Chapter 20
Fallon
The chill morning air sent icy fingers tapping down my back.
I trembled and the mattress creaked as Declan adjusted, pulling the blankets tighter around himself.
The literal cold shoulder shouldn’t have hurt this much.
Rationally, I knew Declan was mad. The entirety of the Harrowlands probably knew he was mad.
I hadn't told him about my illness and he had better things to do than nurse me when the Followers of Virtue were still at large.
Surely, I was supposed to have some type of response to his mate declaration, but I shivered deep in my soul, burrowing into the bed instead.
I wanted that too much for it to be real.
Even thinking about it might make it disappear, just like every other relationship.
It was so much easier to focus on the Fever.
Even if it was the very thing that stole my hope.
Lenora warned me about Hollow Fever’s progression but nothing in stage one had prepared me for weeks of constant agony where I barely drew breath to argue with Declan. He was clearly scared. I was scared.
Scared because today, I finally seemed half normal again and I refused to credit Noreen’s new potions, or the rest Declan made me take.
That would mean I had been doing it all wrong.
But most of all, scared because the wall building up between us wrecked me when this was definitely supposed to be a fake relationship.
How was it a sham when he witnessed my secret in all its messy glory?
When he had cut himself on the worst of what my illness had to offer?
When he made me come for real-real for the first time ever?
Because as soon as the pain died down enough for me to think straight, I was hungry for him.
If his care in the bath made me hot, the weeks he spent badgering me, fighting me in that sweet way he had, turned me volcanic.
With a ferocity I didn’t know I possessed, I wanted that man to do whatever the hell he thought of until my brain spilled out of my ears.
The unspoken question of whether Declan could handle the worst of me had found its answer.
I wanted to act out every single one of those bookmarks, no matter where they took us, just to feel alive.
Our friendship had died a glorious death and I was uncertain of what would fill the void left by our banged up trust.
I sighed, slipping from the bed to get ready.
The only cure I knew for emotional discomfort was work.
Chopping, kneading and flame were my stress relief.
When I stepped into the kitchen, everyone felt the same.
Anise’s pack sat around the kitchen table, unusually subdued.
Ned came to lean against my legs, licking my hand.
This wouldn’t do. They had come to be my family and I would contribute however I could.
Declan had briefly described the failed attempt to get the Followers to reveal themselves and it sounded like the pack was doing everything in their power. As the days wore on, so did the grief. I knew it well. When you were continually stuck in uncertainty, it was a special kind of hells.
I pulled Anise aside into the pantry.
“Thank you for all the lessons. Really,” I said.
She smiled at me in that motherly way I would never get used to. Like I mattered. “Anything for my son’s mate.”
A twang of guilt resounded. As I slipped so easily into Declan’s family, how did I forget that I wasn’t really supposed to be here?
The memory of the day I walked into my Aunt’s house suddenly overwhelmed me.
The lemon polish she used to clean the floor.
A child’s emotions welling up. The grief was only compounded by the feeling of being an interloper.
Here it was yet again. A family that wouldn’t want me if they knew the truth.
My next words grew out of a new urgency.
“Let me return your hospitality. I want to cook for everyone but I need to try this on my own. I need to make a full meal with my magic and see if it will listen.”
“My fear for you only grows, Fallon,” she said.
My back straightened. I was expecting an ‘I’ll be here for you’ or a ‘you can do it’.
“I’m… okay?”
She shook her head. “You understood how to work your magic when you arrived. I just gave you some more information. Let you see possibilities. But none of it matters if you keep up this pace.”
What? Not this again. “I take care of myself.”
“If I had abused a cast-iron skillet the way I’ve watched you abuse your body, would you let me cook with it anymore?”
That was just silly. I wasn’t a skillet, or a horse, or a reason for pity. I put my hands on my hips, as if that would end this conversation.
“My son needs you even if he’s hurt right now. Or maybe especially because he’s hurt.”
I would make it up to all of them. So, I hadn’t been a very productive fake member of the family and this was my chance to rectify that. “I’ll do my best for everyone. You’ve taught me so much control. I’m better. You all helped with your patience and kindness.”
Anise bowed her head, folding her hands in front of her, but she nodded. “Then I will be your sous chef. Put me to work.”
Now that was what I wanted to hear. I grabbed a wheel of hard cheese and left the pantry.
Time to use her lessons. Concentrating on the rennet, on the nuts and grasses the Bakh Bull had eaten to make this, I called them out, my magic easy for the first time in forever.
The cheese dragon had taught me the process of cheese, but I never quite connected it fully to my power.
Anise had shown me how it might move through the food in my hand, like my magic cooked, shaped, used time and my will to make it something else.
My mind felt so clear and my nerves sizzled. The second stage of Hollow Fever had brought life into sharp relief. My greatest fear had occurred and I was still standing. Without that fear taking up half of my attention, I grasped my power like a tool, pushing it further than ever before.
I plunked the cheese wheel onto the work-table and cut a slice.
“Briggs,” I said and tossed it to the wolf.
Ned jumped like a pike in a lake, snapping the cheese out of the air, which burst the gaggle of siblings into shouts and laughter.
Briggs shifted and lined up toe to toe with Ned.
A sharp nod said she was ready and I tossed the next sliver as high as I could.
Even though the wolf was easily three times his size, Ned had no fear and snatched it just before it hit Briggs’ razor-sharp teeth.
I back-handed Briggs some cheese while fending off Ned with the other hand so she got a bite.
Her immediate shift should have spooked me.
“This is so amazing. I’ve never eaten anything like this. If a steak was cheese, this would be it.”
I stared at her happily munching away and took in all of her, from her bare feet to her grinning face. Something loosened inside me. If she wasn’t embarrassed, why was I? It’s not like her body was shameful. Just like mine isn’t.
“Why is everyone yelling?” Declan mussed his hair into a tangle as he scratched his head.
“Fallon’s handing out magic cheese.”
Declan’s eyes grew large and he shifted in a blink. Then it was Briggs, Declan and Ned all snapping cheese out of the air until Eilie pushed in and Cosomo tried to pile on top. Anise had to whistle to stop a wolf fight and made them all take turns until even their wolfish appetites stood sated.
Cheese put everyone in a better mood and when Anise finally got her bite, she looked me straight in the eye and said, “Excellent.”
A rush of warmth surrounded my heart. That she had been so hard on me only made my bite of cheese all the more toothsome.
Already, the mood lifted in the kitchen. I set to work in the hopes of making a feast I would be proud of. We would cram as many pack members into the dining room as possible. Hells. Eating on the floor was always an option with this crew.
Anise gave me permission to take or make anything the pack had in their stores and her cluttered kitchen offered a trove of valuable items I never would have noticed. Everything from exotic spices to orc-made knives forced me to see her space in a new way.
I slaughtered a few brace of chickens, without the biting.
A pig went next. The pack gossip spread faster than my requests and suddenly I realized there was no not inviting everyone.
So a dozen pigs packed into the hearths of each house.
I sensed the threads of them with my magic and cooked them off in moments.
Everyone’s kitchen became my kitchen as I coordinated bread, mead, and cheeses, to come to their full potential.
Anise took desserts after chopping a horde of turnips with one stroke.
She roasted them with a look of concentration that tingled under my skin.
Declan came to kiss me on the cheek. “This is exactly what they needed. Can I have some bread?”
He took it to our room and I heard him murmuring prayers.
The entire pack moved into the town square.
Snow swept clean from the flagstones. Chairs cluttered in alleys until tables hit the cobbles.
The cold was manageable as people gathered braziers alongside the long table they covered with their home tablecloths.
Children crisscrossed strings of pine boughs, red berries, and white poinsettia from awning to awning.
Ned galloped around to bark and encourage everyone.
By the time the sun cast a fiery glow at the edge of the horizon and candelabras graced the tables for the feast, Anise and I had a mountain of food ready. “Effortless” wasn’t a word I usually applied to my magic but even though I sagged with fatigue, that fit.
My food pulsed in readiness to bring comfort and joy. The sparkle returning to every wolf said they were ready for their souls to be nourished. The heavy air held the potential for snow, but Old Magic kept it at bay.
I turned to Anise. “Together?” I asked.
She nodded and took my hand.
We didn’t need words to join our magic together.
I was aware enough to revel in the fact that this was probably the only time in my life I would ever get to work with another feastweaver.
We blanketed everything we prepared with one last burst of power to make it the perfect temperature and texture and, of course, to infuse it with love.
Then the pack sat down to eat and, after I changed into something not covered in soup, I dropped into a chair beside Declan.
Satisfaction accompanied a wave of dizziness.
I had never used so much magic at once but it was worth it.
Flickering firelight lit the smiles on everyone’s faces.
Each one said I had done it. The moans of ecstasy up and down the table were so different from the last state dinner I had botched, it was hard not to compare.
The wolves tucked in without grace, but with infinite pleasure.
My heart swelled with pride. Things would get back to normal now. I had proved I was in control and no one needed to know what other magic I was capable of working. Declan and I would return to Evie’s and everything would be fine.
Declan fed me a slice of pork but I didn’t really taste it. I wasn’t sure if it was the buzz of magic still under my skin, or the deeper ache starting in my bones. I checked my wrists. No crust. No shards. But my lower back and my feet throbbed.
Noreen raised a glass in toast to me and I barely made out the words.
I shook my head, trying to get rid of the muffled sensation.
Everyone clapped and I smiled, passing the trifle, but the satisfaction of the pack digging into dessert was tinged with sadness. Was this exhaustion really necessary?
It was a full and satisfying day at work, I reminded myself with an internal grimace.
I glanced around the table, at the remains of dinner.
Did I need to bake those extra loaves of bread?
I leaned back, hands behind my neck, all but supporting the weight of my head.
For the first time ever, I felt like I had let myself down when I had a gorgeous meal in front of me.
Yes, Declan's hand on my thigh helped. Yes, he shared my pain, despite my protests, but in my eagerness to prove myself I chose to push to where I might jeopardize everything.
I always blamed the Fever, but never admitted I wasn't helping the situation.
I might be a mess tomorrow without having stretched myself but I only made it more likely.
Still, I had done it. No one was a bowl of soup. I hadn't accidentally slaughtered a wolf shifter instead of a pig. Everyone’s house sat intact in the evening breeze. Happiness made me giddy and I lost my head for a second and climbed into Declan’s lap.
“You should be very proud of this. I can’t remember when the pack ate so well.” Anise’s obvious pleasure as she ate was like a balm on my soul.
My excitement spilled over. “I can’t wait to see what I can cook up back in Harrowood.”
Our table dropped into silence like a hanged man. Every pair of eyes rested on me, and then Declan. Everyone looked at Anise next.
“Would Declan go with you?” she asked calmly.
I answered confidently. “If he wanted to. I know he has to help find the missing wolves. He can catch up when he’s done.”
The entire table tensed. I clutched Declan’s neck. It was the wrong thing to say. Disapproval filled the air. He didn’t panic, though.
I loosened my arms around, trying to read his expression. “You would come with me now, if not for that, right?”
Declan wouldn’t meet my eye and, for once, his mouth remained closed.
My brain immediately jumped to the unsaid words.
I wasn’t the kind of girl you left everything behind for.
Too difficult to manage, too stubborn and focused.
Now, maybe too powerful. Who wanted to plan their days and weeks around a random invalid?
He smoothed a thumb over my furrowed brow like a balm. His next words scattered all my thoughts on the subject, because if we hadn’t been pretending, if we were legitimate mates, they would have been the perfect ending to this night.
“I’m taking my mate to bed.”