Chapter 9
Nine
Hannah
My mind races as I step into my room.
Married.
He was married to Allison. And my friend Savannah thought she’d be the one screwed over by that bitch, but nope it was me. I’ve been the one to pay for Allie’s indiscretions.
A part of me, the irrational and insecure part rearing its ugly head, is jealous.
Jealous that I couldn’t hold his interest the first time we met, but she could. Jealous that I wasn’t good enough, but she was. Jealous that he fell in love with her when she was so completely un-fucking-deserving of it, and all I got was his body.
There are vast differences between Allie and me.
She’s stunning, where I’m plain. She’s outgoing.
I’m an introvert. She’s charming where I’m .
. . hell, I don’t even know what I am . .
. but I do know I’m definitely not charming.
Hell, I couldn’t even form a coherent sentence the night we met.
My tongue practically twisted into a knot, and I couldn’t force a word out of my mouth to save my life.
Closing my eyes, I imagine her saying something witty in his ear that causes him to tilt his head back and bark out a loud, hearty laugh from deep within his chest before his twinkling brown eyes settle back on her.
I wish I didn’t know what she looked like, or how she was, because maybe then I wouldn’t be standing here in my room playing the comparison game. How could I not? He gave her pieces of himself that he’ll never give to me. I’ll always think of myself as the second choice, even if that’s irrational.
Why did I give that nod? He said he wanted a lot of kids, and I can’t give that to him.
He didn’t say he wanted kids with you though; he wanted kids with her.
My cheeks fill with air, and I slowly blow out an exhale.
This is not productive. I’m sounding like a whiny ass “pick me,” and that’s not who I am.
Pulling my phone out of my backpack, I power it on so I can FaceTime Aiden. If anyone can pull me out of this funky mood, it’s him. He’s always tangled up in some kind of crazy debauchery that makes me laugh.
The little, white Apple logo lights up my phone as it powers back on, and I gather my stuff so I can jump in the shower before heading off to Arches National Park for the night to stargaze.
My phone chimes as notifications pop up on my screen, and my attention snags on one in particular. What’s this?
Life360:
Life360 sends help to anyone in your circle.
I click the notification which takes me to an app I know I didn’t download onto my phone.
I’m directed to the message center portion of the app, where I click on a couple different icons until I’m brought to the main screen with two little circles—one a picture of me, the other a picture of Sean.
I swipe up on the tab at the bottom of the screen and the circle with Sean’s greyed-out picture shows him near his home address since the night he picked me up from Elixir.
The snake.
Furious, I storm back to the kitchen, finding the asshole right where I left him.
“What. The. Fuck.” I hold my phone up so he can see the screen. “You know, if you’re going to download a tracking app onto somebody’s phone, you should probably turn off push notifications. This is fucking psychotic.”
“You call it psychotic, but I have better terms for it.”
Rolling my eyes, I fold my arms against my chest. “I’d love nothing more than to hear how you spin this.”
A smirk slowly lifts the edge of his mouth as he prowls toward me. “Let’s start with devoted. Determined. Hell, invested works too.”
Each word brings him closer until we’re close enough that our lips are almost touching. His nose grazes up and down the side of mine, and his breath dusts across my lips as he speaks low. “Relentless. Driven. Addicted. Obsessed . . . want me to keep going?”
“This is insane,” I whisper back, my heart launching into a full-blown sprint. Trembles rack my body, and a desperate longing to reach out and pull him closer, even though we’re a hairsbreadth apart, nearly suffocates me. Instead, I hold myself back.
“You’re a fucking bastard.”
“I’m your fucking bastard, and you love me like this.”
This is the Sean I fell so hard for. The one who claims me.
Possesses me. Dominates me. The one with red flags flying all over the damn place.
And the sick part of it is . . . I love the way it feels when he does stuff like this.
I crave it. For some messed up reason, any kind of attention he shows me—good or toxic as hell—ignites the dopamine within my system, tricking me into feeling loved and wanted by him.
Drawing back, he looks into my eyes. “You fucking haunt me. You’re everywhere.
In every corner of my mind, stitched into memories I can’t stop replaying.
Memories that won’t let me breathe, some that I wish I could forget, and those I never want to let go of.
I’m falling apart over you, Rebel. I wasn’t tracking you; I was chasing you, and I’m going to keep chasing you. ”
I’m on the verge of cracking; torn between saying “screw it” and closing the distance between our lips and storming away.
His phone begins to ring, but the shrill tone doesn’t cause him to break eye contact with me, making me feel as if I’m more important to him than whoever’s on the other end of the call.
“I’m deleting the app,” I say, taking a step back.
“No, you’re not,” he argues, silencing the call and pulling up the app on his phone.
“And not because I’m telling you not to, but because you don’t really want to.
You won’t admit it, but I know eventually your curious mind will begin to wonder where I’m at, who I’m with, what I’m doing.
So, here you go . . . full transparency. ”
He holds his phone up where I can see the screen and clicks the button to turn on his location. “I wasn’t lying when I said I haven’t been with anyone else since you. How could I be when the only woman I want is you? This is me, earning your trust.”
“That’s not the kind of trust you need to build with me, Sean. When we were together, or whatever you want to call it, we agreed to be exclusive as long as we were having sex with each other, and I never once doubted you. What you did when we were apart is none of my business.”
“Yet you keep making it your mission to remind me of the person I was before you when that’s not who I am anymore.”
Leaning against the counter, I hang my head in shame.
Out of anger, I’ve accused him of a lot of things.
I’ve made assumptions based on his previous actions before me without just cause.
Now that I think of it, I haven’t seen anything in the media lately, not that I’ve gone looking.
I’ve been sparing myself from further heartbreak because the sight of him with another woman would kill me.
Raising my chin, I look him in the eyes. “That was unfair of me, and I’m sorry.”
“I’ve put all my cards out on the table. What do you need me to—”
“You broke my fucking heart! I loved you, Sean, deeply, with my entire soul, but you led me on, then pulled the rug right out from underneath my feet. Over and over, you did that to me. How do I know with one-hundred percent certainty that you won’t hurt me again?”
Embarrassed by my vulnerable outburst, I turn my head and spot the ointment. Before he can respond, I swipe the tube off the counter and head toward my room to take a shower, but his voice stops me before I reach the hallway.
“I lied. When I said I didn’t love you, Hannah, I fucking lied. I did love you. Fuck, I still do.”
All the blood running through my veins shoots straight to my head, causing little tingles to spread throughout my body.
Everything goes dark for a second before tears begin to burn my eyes.
I try to will myself to move, and walk toward the bedroom, but I’m stuck in place, as if my legs are weighed down by a thousand pounds of concrete.
Collecting my bearings, I turn around, eyes locking with his. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“You don’t need to say anything.”
He takes the few short strides that place him right in front of me, and as he reaches up, thumbing away my tears, my phone rings.
“Please don’t answer that,” he whispers, pressing his brow to mine.
My phone stops ringing and begins ringing again. We both look down at Aiden’s name scrolling across the screen. The ringing stops and starts again; this time it’s a FaceTime call.
“Something could be wrong,” I say.
Sliding my thumb across the screen, I answer the call, staying where I’m at so Sean can hear the conversation. I don’t know why. Maybe subconsciously I want him to know there’s nothing going on between Aiden and me.
“Hey, Aiden.”
“Thank God you picked up. Fucking finally! Listen, I’m in a bad way, and I need your help,” he rushes out, panicked and running his fingers through his hair.
Expressions mirroring, Sean and I look at each other with our brows drawn together.
“What’s up?” I ask, glancing back at my phone.
“So, uh . . . um,” he stalls.
“Oh, God. What happened now?”
If I know anything about Aiden, it’s that he has himself wrapped up in some sort of disaster.
“Right . . . um . . . fuck.”
“Spit it out, Aiden.”
He stops pacing back and forth, throws his head back, and pinches the bridge of his nose. When his chin drops back down and eyes connect with mine, he cringes. “I lost a butt plug—”
“What do you mean you lost a butt plug? Like, you put it in the wrong drawer?”
He shakes his head.
Eyes widening, I ask, “Did you lose it in your ass?!”
“No, Han! I didn’t lose it in my ass! Jesus!
” Aiden practically yells, while Sean and I side eye each other.
“One second it was right where it was supposed to be, and the next it was gone! Her ass, schluuupe, sucked it up like a fucking hoover! I don’t know what the hell to do!
” he exclaims, waving his hand around animatedly.
“Take her to the hospital.”
“I can’t do that!”
“If it’s not coming out, you don’t have another choice.”