37. Grace
Grace
“I still don’t understand why you lied about sleeping with that asshole.”
I rolled my eyes. “We’ve been through this, Lucy. You didn’t see how he looked at me,” I argued, taping up one of the cardboard boxes in front of me.
“Okay, he made a mistake,” Lucy reasoned. “You and I both know what that’s like.” She gave me a pointed look before sorting through more of my shoes.
It had been two weeks since Caleb and I broke up. Since I lied about having sex with Grant. I hated myself for what I’d done. But whenever I felt like I made a mistake, I closed my eyes and saw the disgusted, disbelieving look on Caleb’s face.
Lucy and I had gotten closer despite me not returning to Grand Haven or the shelter. I missed him. So fucking much. I missed Noelle and the friends I’d made in the town. I missed everything.
Lucy was still living at the shelter. But if everything went well with the meeting I set up for her, her entire life could change.
After hearing Lucy sing at the talent show, I knew I wanted to help her get a leg up in the industry.
I had been so distracted by the holidays and then my relationship drama that I nearly forgot I reached out to one of the agents I knew.
I might have pretended to be my mother. Whatever it took to get Lucy a meeting.
My name wouldn’t go far, but my mother’s on the other hand … plus, she owed me.
“It’s for the best,” I resigned, shaking my head, folding another blouse.
“He’s miserable, you know,” Lucy continued, not letting me get away without hearing her side.
I had to say I was so proud of Lucy and her growth. Since getting her job, she’d come out of her shell and bloomed with confidence. She knew her opinion was welcome, and I was happy to see her true self coming out, even though I didn’t like what she was talking about.
“I’m sure he’s not,” I rebutted. “He has Noelle. The Caleb I know isn’t going to mope around his kid.”
“Ow,” I hissed, rubbing my knee. Lucy had thrown a shoe at me.
We were going through my clothes in my brownstone, seeing what was casual enough to donate to one of the women’s shelters here in Manhattan.
Fiona had my stuff delivered back to me with a card that expressed her hurt and disapproval for my leaving.
The other couture pieces that I wasn’t keeping, I was going to sell and use the profits to donate more and find other ways to become active in the community.
Really active, not just cutting a check.
I was also making Lucy keep a few things that I saw her drooling over.
“You’re so keeping those heels,” I pointed out. “Luckily, we are the same size.”
“Yeah, lucky for me.” Lucy snorted. “Stop trying to change the subject.”
I shrugged my shoulders and went back to sorting my winter sweaters. I had no desire to keep many of my old clothes. They were reminders of the person I used to be.
I didn’t need them to prove anything. Sure, I’d keep a few things that had happy memories tied to them, but otherwise, I needed to start fresh and rebuild my life, in all areas.
“Have you talked to your mom?” Lucy broached, trying on another pair of my heels. I stifled a laugh, enjoying seeing her fawn over shoes and clothes. Like an average girl. She was dealt a bad hand, but things were turning around for her, and I couldn’t be happier.
“No, I have not called the wicked witch back, thank you very much.” I bit my lip. “There’s nothing more to say. She tried to convince my boyfriend to break up with me. Whatever she said planted enough doubt.”
Cordelia reached out once, wanting to gloat about her and Grant. She fucked my years-long fuckbuddy and lied by omission. What was there to gloat about? She was obsessed with an asshole. Been there, done that.
“You know Noelle’s show is tonight, right?” Lucy asked, as if I could forget something so important.
I nodded once and looked at my friend, frowning. “I can’t go.” I wrung my hands. “I’m not welcome.”
“You’re not the tough person I thought you were.” Getting to know Lucy these past few weeks, I’d learned she was candid and blunt.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Why’s that?” I humored her.
“Because you’re not fighting for your relationship, which was a good one.
Take it from somebody who knows bad relationships.
You guys aren’t bad. You have the sparkle.
The twinkle that you see in the movies. And you’re throwing it away.
You broke his heart, and for what?” She shook her head and stood up from the floor, brushing off her knees. “You’re acting foolish if you ask me.”
“He broke up with me, Lucy,” I reasoned, rising off the floor and going to tape the boxes she’d packed up for me.
“Potayto, potahto.” She rolled her eyes, peeling another piece of tape to close the cardboard box filled with designer shoes. “And he only ended it after you let him believe you slept with that sleazeball. What’s his name again?”
“Grant. Grant Abernathy.”
“Sounds like an asshole.”
I nodded. “Give Noelle a hug for me?” I asked weakly.
Lucy smiled and squeezed my arm. “It will all work out.”
Lucy had gone to the gallery for Noelle’s art exhibit just moments ago. Where I should be. Where I wanted to be.
Instead, I was being a loser. A stalker of sorts. I decided to take a peek from across the street. Knowing about Noelle’s show, I couldn’t stay away. But I would stay out of sight.
I dressed in black leggings and a black sweater with a black trench coat over it. I figured it would help me blend into the night. The only pop of color I had was my tan, fur-lined boots. The stupid things crunched on the snow coating the ground, making me not very inconspicuous.
The train ride was quiet. I had gotten used to my life being filled with loud. Laughter in the bar, rowdy people talking affectionately, and Noelle just being a kid.
To say I missed it was an understatement.
Anne’s art gallery was surrounded with large crowds. Each side of the gallery had a restaurant attached so the foot traffic was busy from the dinner rush. I stood across the street and watched my pseudo-family.
The clear windows of the gallery were in full view.
Grand Haven was relatively busy in the winter months.
Filled with people needing an escape post-holidays with family.
Getaways were more common, I’d learned from Fiona.
I saw a glimpse of Anne, carrying what looked like a canvas, but she soon moved out of view.
I waited a few minutes and then the door opened, and Max exited the building, talking on the phone.
“Oh, baby,” he barked so loud to whoever was on the other end of the phone, I could hear him across the street as I ducked behind a street pole. I rolled my eyes, still annoyed with him for invading my privacy.
I shivered against the bite in the January air, ignoring the passersby, who thankfully didn’t recognize me. Sure, I probably looked ridiculous, crouching behind a streetlight, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
Once Max moved away from the building, I got a clear view into the windows. Caleb was leaning against a wall of art. He was dressed in a suit and his usually natural hair was gelled back. He looked sexy as all hell even with the sneakers he wore.
I smiled softly to myself and used my opera binoculars to get a better view.
Noelle was pointing at one of her paintings. I couldn’t see her face since her back was to me. I remembered her telling me it was her favorite because it reminded her of her family.
My heart tugged. A family I longed to be a part of. I shook my head. This is for the best .
I was no good for them. All I would bring was chaos to their calm, safe haven. I needed to go back to what I knew. But if that were true, why did this hurt so much?
Speaking of hurt, Caleb was approached by a young brunette. She was dressed in a pencil skirt and low-cut top. My hands tightened on the binoculars as I saw her eye him up and down.
Caleb laughed at whatever the woman said, and she grazed his arm, continuing to flirt with him. My breathing became ragged. I couldn’t watch anymore.
I lowered the binoculars and held back tears.
Noelle’s head spun as if she felt my gaze. Her mouth gaped open and she pointed in my direction. I hid once more, not ready to face them. It was childish and cowardly, but I should give them what they needed. A clean break.
I knew it was time to go. To let them go.
“I think that’s everything,” I said, clapping my hands together. This was a long time coming, but I was proud of my progress in moving forward with things in my life.
“This is wonderful, Grace.” Remi smiled and proceeded to thank me.
She was the Midtown women’s shelter coordinator. I dropped off about twenty boxes of clothes, shoes, and purses. While I hired a moving truck to help me deliver the boxes, I was still going to help in any way I could, so I volunteered earlier to serve food for the first shift.
Caleb showed me how fulfilling helping people could be. Just because we weren’t together didn’t mean I was going to revert to the ways of my past.
I’d learned a lot from Caleb. I learned that giving back did as much for me as it did for the people I was helping. Maybe even more. Connecting with people who were going through a tough time and being able to make them feel human made my heart soar.
“I’ll be back next week,” I called out, holding the door open for a woman carrying a small child strapped to her chest.
I drove the rental car slowly and steadily.
Even though I passed my driving test, I still wasn’t ready to commit to a car now that I was back in the city. First off, city driving scared me shitless, and second, you didn’t really need a car in the city.
I decided to drive today because I felt it would be full circle for my healing.
One year ago today was the day my life changed forever. I never thought I’d make it out of the hole I fell in. But I fought to find a way. A way to forgive myself. A way to show Julia how I was finally living again.
Making the decision to visit Julia’s grave for the first time was a tough one.
Something I’d put off, pushed away. I didn’t want any of it to be real.
I wanted to believe it was a bad dream. Julia was always off doing God knows what with God knows whom.
I found it easier to live in the delusion that one day she would pop in again.
But it wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t moving forward; Caleb was right about that.
I had to start living, even if it was just me again.
I was not a monster. I was a person who made mistakes. A person who struggled with forgiving myself and nobody aided in the process, only further validating my monster status.
The wrought iron gates were opened. They looked rusty and old. I got chills down my spine but continued to drive the car, almost like it was second nature. Like I did this all the time.
I don’t even remember parking the car, let alone getting out of it, but somehow, I ended up in front of my sister’s grave.
It was well-maintained with fresh flowers with a ribbon that said “daughter” on top, sitting on the soil. This surprised me. I didn’t think anybody visited her, let alone my mother. Who knew if she just hired somebody to maintain it, but something told me this was done by her.
Pushing my mother out of my head, I kneeled on the grassy dirt, taking a deep breath.
I said things in my mind first, pretending she could hear me.
Maybe she could. Then I got the courage to say out loud, “I’m sorry, you know.
” Tears ran down my face, and I didn’t even brush them away, knowing it was futile.
“It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I hate what happened to you.
I play that night over and over in my mind, and I run through all the what-ifs.
But it’s not going to change anything, right, Jules?
The way you looked at me … God, that look haunts me.
I love you, Julia, and I know you didn’t want me to be like Mom.
But I also couldn’t be like you.” I smiled a little.
“No, you were one of a kind. But I think I’m becoming me.
At least the first version of me that I like.
I think you would like me too. I hope you’re proud of me. ”
I took a deep breath and rose to touch the porcelain tombstone with my fingertips.
“I love you. But that doesn’t mean I have to stop living because you’re not here.
No—” I shook my head. “If anything, I need to live for both of us. For so long my life wasn’t mine.
And before you get on me or haunt me or some shit, I’ll never forget you.
I just need to think of you a little less and me a little more.
” I paused and thought about what I selfishly wanted.
“One more thing, if you’re really listening, please help me fix things with Caleb and Noelle.
I love them and I want to believe you sent me to Grand Haven, to them.
I love you always, Julia. Forgive me. I forgive you. ”
There was nothing more to say. I had a life to live.