15. Chapter 15
Chapter 15
Dawson
Being an adult isn’t easy. Being a parent is downright exhausting in all the ways: mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m in quicksand, trying to get myself to safety, but every responsibility in my life pushes more and more sand around me, forcing me to stay put. I’m about to get buried completely.
What Chloe said about doing an activity to distract Finn resonated with me.
Sure, it would be easy to dump Finn on a relative, giving me an entire day to myself. As much as I’d like to do that, there’s a little voice screaming at me, telling me Finn needs me now more than ever.
As stressed as I am, it doesn’t matter. Finn comes first.
“Ready to head home? I have a severe itch for some Mario Kart.” Playing an easy game that keeps Finn and me entertained is exactly the distraction we need.
“Can I be Yoshi?”
“You can be whoever you want. ”
Throwing my chair into the passenger seat, I settle into the driver’s side and start the car. Glancing at Finn in the rearview mirror, I ask, “You know I love you, right, Finn?”
He buckles his seatbelt. “Yeah. Why?”
“Just making sure.” I can’t make up for Willow, but I can ensure that Finn never doubts my love and devotion to him.
My eyelids are like concrete blocks. No matter how many times I try to keep them open, they’re too heavy. If I rest them for a second, Finn won’t be able to tell.
The controller in my hand vibrates, startling me awake. My heart pounds against my ribs. Rubbing my itchy eyes, I say, “What hap—?”
Finn, slouching on the couch like the cushions have absorbed his body, says, “You’re not playing very well today.”
Settling my gaze on the television, sure enough, my character is ramming its kart into the brick wall. I’m in last place, and I haven’t even completed the first lap. Finn’s halfway through his third. So much for spending quality time doing something Finn loves. “Sorry, bud. I must be more tired than I realized.”
“Can I keep playing while you take a nap?”
I don’t like Finn playing electronics for more than an hour each day, but today is his lucky day. “Yeah.” Ruffling his hair, I set the controller on the coffee table then stand. “Think about what you want for dinner while I’m sleeping. But it can’t be pizza. I’ve had too much of that this week. ”
“’Kay.”
My bed is calling my name. Crossing the family room to the hallway leading to my bedroom, I say, “Remember, don’t answer the door while I’m asleep and stay inside the house. We can go to the park or something after dinner and throw a football around.”
“Can we invite Jackson?” Finn’s gaze doesn’t stray once to my face. His attention is on winning the Toad Harbor race.
His question reminds me that I texted my sisters, Emma and Lucy, about letting us hang out with them tonight. Pulling my cell out of my pocket, I check for an update. Two text notifications show up.
Lucy: Bummer [sad face emoji] We can’t tonight. We’re going to Alpine to pick peaches and apples with Dave’s family. But we’d love to have you guys over tomorrow for dinner and cobbler. Come at 5?
Emma: We’re going swimming at the rec center again. [swimming emoji] Can we take Finn with us? [praying hands emoji] Jackson always has more fun with Finn. We can feed him dinner before we go as well.
I type out a response to Lucy.
Me: Dinner sounds great. What can I bring?
“Finn?”
His gaze barely flickers to me. “Jackson wants you to go swimming with him and Aunt Emma and Uncle Steve tonight. Do you want to go? ”
I want him to say yes. But after I get a nap, I’m sure I’ll be ready for the park and dinner. But does Finn want to hang out with his dad? Shouldn’t I be letting him hang out with his cousins when he asks? That’s the reason we moved here.
But I still feel like I should be the one who spends the most time with Finn. Ugh. Why is parenting so hard? Why can’t there be a manual with explicit instructions on what to do in every scenario so I don’t mess up my kid for life?
“Yeah, I’ll go swimming.”
“I’ll let Aunt Emma know.” I hope I’m doing the right thing.
And now I have an entire evening to myself. I don’t recall the last time I had one of those. What should I do? Go to the gym? Work? Nap?
I need to order the earbuds before I forget. I don’t want to let Chloe down.