23. Chapter 23
Chapter 23
Chloe
Finn’s head is tilted back against the seat. His jaw is as wide as a cavern opening. A soft gurgle-like snore lets loose every few seconds. I’d say he had fun tonight despite the slight meltdown over the root beer. Pretty sure he’s addicted to the stuff.
After we ate, we went through the smaller corn maze, went down the giant slide, shot paintball guns, went on the ropes course, and listened to a pumpkin princess read a story.
There were plenty of activities we didn’t get a chance to explore, but I feel solid in our plan for the festival. I’m considering adding a book nook for the kids. They can each choose a book to take home, and whatever is left, Carter can donate to a teacher or the shelter downtown.
I’d love to do a maze, but I’m not sure of the logistics without a corn field or hundreds of hay bales being used. We don’t have money for extra straw.
“What do you think?” Dawson asks .
“I’m glad we came. I think my original stations will work beautifully. I’ll text you with what I need you to do.”
“Sounds good. And thanks for your help with Finn tonight. He gets fixated on getting what he wants and I can’t seem to talk him out of it. You’re patient and kind to him. I appreciate it.”
My heart swells from his compliment. “He’s a good kid. I have fun when I’m around him.” I kept my distance from Finn at first as a protection, but Finn’s too sweet and fun not to love.
“Even when he acts like a stubborn mule?”
I laugh. “Yes, even then.”
His fingers tighten around the steering wheel. “Are you okay?”
I eye Dawson. What is he talking about? “Uhh…yes?”
He chuckles. “Sorry. My mind is jumping around. You freaked out on the ride. We got busy and haven’t really spoken about it since. I want to make sure you’re doing all right.”
I shrug. “I’m fine.” Mainly because we didn’t talk about it. “Thank you for not making it a big deal or forcing me to do something else I’d also hate in retaliation.” Like Dawson said I would have. Because he’s right. I totally would.
“I was worried about you more than wanting revenge.”
And that right there is why Dawson is as amazing as he is.
Maybe because it’s dark or because I’ve been around Dawson enough, it’s easier to spill my fears, but I find myself admitting, “The reason I always want to compete with other people is to prove I’m a winner. Winners don’t get abandoned. ”
I look out the window, the lights on the side of the freeway flashing by every few seconds.
If I had won more often, or been a perfect daughter, Mom wouldn’t have chosen drugs and men over Carter and me. If we’d behaved all the time, if I got better grades, if I was the best at jump rope and eating my vegetables, what reason would Mom have for leaving?
None.
Dawson glances at me quickly, a deep V forming between his brows. “Wait. After this festival is over, are you afraid I’m going to leave our friendship? I’m not your mom. I knew my marriage was over three years ago. I stayed, trying to make it work with Willow. I’m not a quitter, Chloe.”
I fiddle with my watch band. “Before meeting Kate, I didn’t have a lot of close friends. Part of that is because Carter and I were teased so much about being raised by our grandparents, but I also made a lot of mistakes. I’m not perfect and once people figured it out, they were gone. Take all my past relationships for example. A few months into dating, men would realize I pushed us as a couple to be like other people I saw online because that’s what I thought a relationship for someone my age was supposed to be like. I’d force us to go out often and document how firm our commitment to each other was by constantly taking photos of us kissing, hugging, or cuddling. I was also so worried about them leaving me that I went too hard too fast. And now, to keep myself and others around me safe, I just haven’t dated at all for two years.”
But I want this friendship with Dawson and Finn to work. Opening up to Dawson is easier than in any other relationship I’ve had (besides with Kate, who didn’t let me brush her off). I’m not entirely sure if it’s because of how well Dawson listens, or because I trust him, or if I’m worried about screwing up because of Finn that I’m putting myself out there more, but I’m willing to show a part of myself to Dawson I usually don’t with anyone else.
“It takes a lot to scare me off,” Dawson reiterates.
His words are like an IV filling my veins with surety. Dawson is loyal and strong enough to handle my insecurities.
Dawson reaches over the middle console, his hand finding mine. Our fingers intertwine. This simple touch spreads warmth from my palm to my heart. There’s comfort, truth, reassurance, and a promise he’ll be there for me in the gesture. Weird how I can feel it all through a handhold, but I do.
“There’s something about you, Dawson Reed, that makes me believe you.”
“It’s my muscles, isn’t it? I caught you staring at them the first time we met.”
I smack the back of his hand. “You’re conceited.”
He flashes me a smile that melts me from the inside out. “I prefer to call it confidence.”
Whatever the word, I’m attracted to it. Let’s be real. There’s quite a lot I’m attracted to when it comes to the man sitting in the seat next to me. The way he carries himself and is sure of who he is, how he cares for other people, these are only tiny slices of the many reasons why I like him.
“Dawson?”
“Yes, Chloe? ”
My pulse pounds in my ears. I can’t believe I’m about to do this. There’s a million and one risks, a bajillion reasons why I shouldn’t. Why keeping Dawson as a friend is better than nothing, but I ignore everything in favor of the one possible positive outcome. Because I can and will be different for Dawson and Finn. I won’t push us to do silly photo shoots, or focus on every imperfection I have, or fret over why Dawson might break up with me. We all deserve this chance to be happy. “Will you go out with me?”
“Like on a date?”
“You brought up your muscles, and I realized I can’t deny myself any longer.”
“What you’re saying is you want me for my body?”
Why yes, yes I do. And a lot more than that, too. “Is there any other reason a girl would ask a guy out?”
He chuckles. “You are ridiculous. But yes, I’ll go out with you on one condition.”
A pit forms in my stomach. A condition? “That I cook you dinner once a week?” I joke, but it lands flat.
“Ha. No, but that’s not a bad idea.”
My skin itches the longer he waits to tell me. “Lay it on me.”
His hand twists around the steering wheel. “With Finn, I need to be more careful.”
Agreed. “Makes sense. But I still haven’t heard the condition…”
“I can’t go out often or casually date like I did before becoming a dad. Whoever I bring into my life will need to be seen by Finn as my friend only until we determine we’ll work out. Then he can know we’re dating seriously. ”
“Uhhh.” I rub the hand not being held by Dawson down my thigh. “Is it weird we’re talking so openly about this? I’ve never been in a relationship where we discussed our intentions before we actually went out.”
“I need you to know where I’m at. I also like how open and honest we are with each other. It speaks of a mature relationship between adults who understand there’s more at play than just having a good time.”
“I appreciate you being upfront with me. If we’re laying our cards on the table, you need to know I’ve never allowed myself to dream of marriage and children. Because of what my mom did to Carter and me, I assumed I’d become like her. I haven’t been willing to risk hurting a spouse or child, so I’ve stayed away. But tonight, seeing all those families, being there with you and Finn, it felt…right. Like you two are who I’ve been waiting for all this time. You are who I’m meant to take this leap of faith with.”
Dawson pulls his hand out of mine, running it through his hair. I miss the contact, but I get it. This is a difficult conversation and what little space we can get while riding in the car is probably for the best as we talk this through.
“I have a son, Chloe. To me dating now means I’m considering the long-term goal with any woman I go out with. If marriage isn’t something you truly think you can do someday, I have to say no to going out.”
My lungs struggle to work properly. My breaths come out short and choppy. I like Dawson more than I’ve liked any man before. And while this discussion is freaking me out, I get why Dawson is bringing this up. But he needs to see when I said I want to take this leap of faith with him, I’m dedicated to both him and Finn.
I denied myself the option of a husband for so long. Opening myself up to the possibility is exhilarating and frightening. You’re not Mom. You can do this. I’ll need patience—a lot of it as I work to overcome my doubts.
I pick at the seam of my jeans. “I’m not asking for anything casual, but I would like us to go slow. This is new for me, and different for you because of Finn.”
“I know, and we will.”
As frightened as I am about not being perfect and screwing things up, I’m also ecstatic about chasing after my dream. To let myself go all in, particularly with Dawson.
“Good.” I bob my head once. “Because I really like you and can’t imagine you being with someone else. It makes me stabby.”
“Stabby?” He quickly glances at me, his brows pulling together.
“Yeah, like I want to stab any other woman you’d be with.” With a triton like mermaids have.
He laughs, reaches over, and grabs my hand again. “I like knowing you’re the jealous type.” He brings our joined hands up to his mouth, placing a kiss on the back of my hand.
Butterflies go wild in my stomach. It’s such a simple gesture. One I adore and want more of. “So we’re dating? You don’t even want to see how the first date goes before deciding you want me?”
“I’ve known since I met you there was something special about you. ”
I trace my fingertip over his knuckles. “Do I tell Kate we’re together, or is that too much too soon?” Either option is okay with me. My mind is reeling from everything we’ve discussed and gone through tonight, but this feels good. Like my dream is an ember, and it got the oxygen it needed to start a bonfire.
“For Finn’s sake, do you mind if we tell everyone we’re just friends? At least for a little while?”
“Kate will guess. She can read me like no else can. But I can swear her to secrecy. And I don’t want Carter to know yet either. He’s protective of me and as your boss it might be weird. I promise Finn won’t find out about us until we’re ready for everyone to know.”
“Thank you. I just don’t want to get his hopes up, you know?”
I’m trying not to get my own hopes up. I will do my best to not repeat Mom’s mistakes and try my hardest to make us work. But I’m not sure if I’ll ever root out the stubborn weed obnoxiously waiting for me to fail. “He’s been through a lot. I get it, Bear. You don’t have to worry.”
Dawson purposely coughs. “Did you just call me Bear ?”
“I did. And I won’t take it back.”
“Bear has nothing to do with me…”
“It has everything to do with you.”
“Yeah…you’re going to have to explain it to me.”
This time, I bring his hand up to my mouth and place a tender kiss there. His skin is warm and soft on my lips. “You, mister, are just like a teddy bear. Sweet, caring, comforting, protective, thoughtful, and good at hugging. I’m afraid your nickname is now Bear. Get used to it. ”
Dawson shifts in his seat. “You get an awesome name like 007 and I’m stuck with Bear ?” He says Bear like it’s the most childish word in the history of language. “There’s no other option? Danger? Genius? Sexy?”
He is all those other words and many more, but they don’t convey how I feel about him. Being around Dawson is like every comfort in life: a warm, cozy blanket, fuzzy socks, lit candles, a glowing fire, hot soup with fresh-out-of-the-oven bread, all while snuggling in his arms with a sense of peace and safety encompassing me. “Resign yourself to it, B. It’s happening.”
“Things will never be boring with you. Will they?”
I smirk. “Nope.”