Chapter Twenty-Two
I knew she was awake, but I wasn’t ready for her to roll away—wasn’t ready to lose her to any regret she may have.
That would kill my soul.
It had been a long time since I’d woken up in bed next to a woman. So long, it felt like another life—and not a good one worth remembering. And I’d certainly never curled around a woman with the sole purpose of holding her close, not wanting to let go.
“What are you thinking about?” Calli asked softly.
Of course, my smart girl knew I was awake too.
“How much I like lying here with you.”
Calli shifted her ass deeper into my crotch but abruptly stopped when her bare ass met my hard-on.
“Ignore it.”
“It’s kinda hard to ignore.”
I didn’t want to be that asshole who couldn’t control his base urges. I’d done what I could so she wouldn’t feel what her warm, soft body was doing to mine. Now she knew and, like me, she’d have to ignore it for now.
“What about you?” I asked. “What are you thinking about?”
“That I wished we weren’t ignoring your penis.”
Penis.
Christ, she was cute.
“Just to say, Calli, boys have penises. Men have cocks. Dick is also acceptable. Never peen, penis, or willy.”
“Is that in the Man Rulebook?”
“Yep. Page one, paragraph two, right under the one that explains how to be a gentleman.”
“Did you read paragraph one or skip straight to two?”
“I skimmed it.”
Her hand resting on my forearm started skimming. “I don’t believe that. I think you read every word.”
I was far from gentlemanly, though for her, to her, I always would be. If gentlemanly included introducing a plethora of new-to-her things I could do to her body that would culminate in her having more orgasms.
“Love you think that, baby, but stop being a smart-ass and tell me what you were lying there thinking about before my cock took your attention.”
I felt her body start to shake before I heard it. My mind rewound and I tried to remember if I’d ever heard her laugh. I couldn’t remember a single moment since I’d met her back in Mexico where she laughed. I lay statue still and took in the sound.
“Before your cock caught my attention, I was wishing I could stay here all day and not have the world intrude. That for the first time maybe in my whole life, I feel . . .”
I gave her a moment to finish her thought. When it was clear she wouldn’t, I prompted, “You feel what, Calli?”
It took a couple more seconds before she answered, “I feel like the world doesn’t suck. That maybe, I don’t know . . . I could be happy, be normal, be safe.”
“You can be all those things. But normal, that shit is overrated,” I teased, and kissed the top of her head.
Her hair was still damp from last night’s bath.
A first for me. The thought of crawling into a tub and washing a woman’s hair had never occurred to me.
The comparison wasn’t close, but I liked that after Calli gave me what she gave me, I could give her something clean and untainted. That was hers and hers alone.
“I’ve made my decision,” she announced. “After I get Tom what he needs, I have one more thing to do, then I’m out. I don’t know what I’ll do. I have money. I can take my time, find a place, figure out what I’m going to do . . . but whatever it is, it won’t be this.”
I didn’t have a good feeling about this. Mostly because I didn’t want to think about what happened next. That invite could come in anytime, then she’d be gone.
My gut cramped at the thought. I didn’t want her to leave me. I didn’t want her to find a place that would take her far away.
“Will Tom let you go?”
Not that it mattered. If he had a problem with it, Shep and our team would help her get out from under him.
“I don’t officially work for the CIA.”
“Officially?”
“I don’t know where he gets his budget. But I’m not the only one who works for him. Atlanta used to do what I do, but she had enough and moved to admin. She’s a brilliant hacker, she takes care of travel and gets me things I need wherever I am. Tom’s also got three other shooters I know of.”
Fuck.
“He ever ask you to take out someone who wanted to walk away?”
She snuggled back deeper into my chest and pulled my arms around her tighter.
“No. But Atlanta told me she stopped doing fieldwork because Tom asked her to take someone out who went against her moral code. But I don’t think it was someone who worked for him.
It sounded more like Tom wanted a pawn removed from the board.
Atlanta had no problem putting a bad guy in her crosshairs, but she’d never take someone out unless it was righteous. But, I’ll figure it out.”
I wanted to tell her we’d figure it out.
“Can we talk about last night?”
I rolled closer, pinning her back to my chest. “We can talk about anything as long as you don’t use the words mistake, shouldn’t’ve, or regret.”
“Do you regret it?”
“Fuck no, and if you have to ask that, then you weren’t listening last night when I told you I’d never forget the gift you gave me.”
“Okay.”
I gave her a squeeze, and asked, “Is that what you wanted to talk about?”
“I was worried you’d wake up this morning and be mad at me. I took something you weren’t offering, and in doing so, made you break a promise to yourself that was obviously important to you because you kept it for ten years.”
I didn’t fuck empty pussy.
Calista was so far from empty, she was in a different universe.
“You didn’t take anything, I gave it.” I used her words from last night. “The promise I made to myself wasn’t about sex, it was about meaningless orgasms. And there was nothing meaningless about the ones I’ve given you, or mine.”
“I just . . . Okay.”
“You just what?”
“I couldn’t bear it if what we did meant nothing to you. Even if all it meant was two friends sharing a really good time that both will look back on and smile.”
I rolled away, pulling Calista with me so she was on her back, then rolled again, coming up on top of her.
Immediately, her legs opened to make room for me.
I took the invitation and settled in. Our new position was dangerous.
All she had on was her robe. No panties.
Nothing stopping my bare cock from tunneling back into his new home.
As if on cue, the fucker twitched.
“Fuck, you’re gorgeous.”
I hadn’t meant to tell her that. I had something important I needed her to understand.
But her beauty hit me straight in the chest. Her sexy man-eater getup to go out to dinner was hot.
But fresh faced, sweaty from working out, hair wet from a bath, lounging on our balcony, lying under me, that Calli stole my breath.
Even pissed and angry Calista did it for me.
“You’re pretty handsome yourself, hotshot.”
Fuck, yeah, she totally did it for me.
Time to get back on track.
“We’re friends?”
Her head pressed back on the pillow, putting another inch between us. “We’re not?”
“This doesn’t feel like friends,” I told her.
“Um. What does it feel like?”
“Like you’re mine.”
Her lips parted, her eyes went soft, and her features gentled.
Her phone rang from somewhere across the room.
Fuck.
“Shit.”
She couldn’t ignore it. It could be Amir’s secretary.
I rolled off. She scrambled off the bed with a muttered “Sorry.” Giving me a great view of her perfect ass. My cock gave an appreciative jerk.
The world had intruded.
“Hi, I’m Calista.” Calli introduced herself as soon as we hit the kitchen.
I stood back and watched my team greet her.
With an appreciative eye sweep, Gavin offered his hand. “Gavin.”
“Nice to meet you.”
As soon as Calli released Gavin’s hand, Aiden stepped up with a crooked smile I knew got him laid, and regularly. “Good to meet you, Calista. I’m Aiden.”
“Aiden,” she returned with a smile.
Pete was sitting at the table, staring at me with concern.
Fallon’s gaze was ping-ponging between me and Calista.
Both men were trying to puzzle out what was happening, while Aiden and Gavin just looked confused at the tension.
“Where’s Jack?” I asked.
“He went upstairs to wake up Kitty,” Fallon told me.
“One of these days Jack’s gonna kick your ass if you don’t stop calling his woman Kitty,” Gavin noted.
“He can’t be mad. I gave her that nickname before she was his woman,” Fallon shot back, like that was a rule carved in stone.
Pete hadn’t stopped studying me, using his superior reasoning to suss out what was going on between me and Calli. He knew me best, and if he watched me close enough, I’d give something away.
Fallon’s approach would be different. He’d work hard to annoy me in hopes I’d get irritated and break. Normally his tactic worked, but not with this. What had happened, or what was going to happen with me and Calli, was no one’s business. Unless she made it theirs.
“Sheesh, Fallon, you’re going to give yourself a seizure if you don’t stop with the eye thing,” Calli complained.
“You look different,” he taunted.
I sighed.
Calli smiled. “Sweet of you to notice.”
Fallon looked confused. “Notice what?”
“How refreshed I look after a bath and a good night’s sleep.”
The saccharine smile she flashed at Fallon was what did it for me. I couldn’t stop my laugh. Through it, Calli’s smile changed from phony to knowing—a secret smile just for me.
“That’s a euphemism for something, right?”
“Give it up, Fallon.” Pete entered the conversation.
Fallon winked at Calli and went back to eating his sandwich. “There’s more crab salad in the fridge.”
“Did you make it?” I asked.
“Yep.”
“Hard pass.”
Calli looked at me in question.
“Trust me, baby. It’s swimming in mayo.”
Pete’s eyes immediately narrowed, as did Aiden’s.
There it was. I gave it away and Pete picked it up, and Aiden didn’t miss the endearment either. Gavin coughed into a closed fist, likely to hide his smile.
“I need to call Tom,” Calli declared, completely oblivious to my team watching us.
Dread hit my chest. For reasons I didn’t understand, it felt like I was on the verge of disappointment. One wrong move would change the course of my life. I’d learned to ruthlessly control every aspect of my life. Withhold my trust. Never allow vulnerabilities.
Emotion was the great disruptor.
Yet for the last few days, I’d been playing fast and loose with every set-in-stone rule I had. The consequence of that was this—emotional turmoil.
“When did Amir’s secretary say the party was?” Pete inquired.
“Friday.”
Today was Wednesday.
Two days.
Or would she leave today since she had the address?
Panic flared and stole my breath.
“Tight timeline. Is it even possible for Tom to have a team on standby?” Aiden asked.
“I would assume the team is close, but unless I’m directly involved, he doesn’t share his plans with me.”
No, he just used her, and in the between times or when it suits him, he lets her ass swing out there. I hated that fucker.
She was staring at her phone like she was stalling.
“Calli,” I called, and her eyes came to me. Her gaze was full of trepidation. “What’s wrong?”
“The world feels—” She stopped when she remembered we had company. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just procrastinating because every time I talk to Tom, one way or another, he pisses me off. I’m in a good mood. I don’t feel like getting into an argument with him.”
“Almost done,” I reminded her.
“Right.” She picked up her phone. “Almost done.”
Almost fucking done.
Then what?
The phantom ache in my heart intensified.
I was short on time, without a plan. I didn’t have a move ready.
No movement meant Calli walked out of my life.
Asking her to come back to California with me was risky, maybe too risky.
What if she said yes, then in a few months the lies started, tiny mistruths, secrets—deception came in many forms.
What if she didn’t want to come home with me? I didn’t know if I could absorb that blow. She wanted out to find her peace, find normal. My life was anything but.
Maybe when she got to where she was going, I could visit her. Visiting someone wasn’t committing. It wasn’t sharing a life. It wasn’t expectation and betrayal. We could share a few days here and there, then go our separate ways. No harm, no foul.
Jesus, did someone turn on the heater?
I couldn’t take my eyes off Calista. But worse, I couldn’t get the band of fear around my chest to loosen.
I didn’t know this woman. I didn’t trust her. But for some godforsaken reason, my heart thought otherwise.
But the heart lied.
I had to let her walk away.
I wouldn’t survive a betrayal from Calli.