Chapter 23
Twenty-Three
Ursula
Silas lay unmoving on the floor of my apartment. “Silas?”
Breathing hard, I stared down at him, my emotions a swirling storm inside me.
I didn’t want to feel sorry for him, but I couldn’t bear seeing him like this.
I crouched and ran my hand over his scalp, over his hacked-off hair.
I’d tortured a lot of beings in my life, and all had deserved it.
But this? What the angels had done to him?
What his family had done to him, was hard to stomach.
What the fuck was going on? He did what they wanted, right? Shouldn’t he be in Heaven celebrating? Flying around with his newly returned wings, hand in hand with Rosalind, dreaming about the baby he’d just planted in her womb?
Gently holding his bruised and swollen jaw, I turned his head so he was looking up at me. “Wake the fuck up.” If there was fear in my voice, I refused to acknowledge it. It wasn’t fear, it was anger. I was still angry with him, right?
His eyes slid open, and I was hit by those silver irises. He blinked. “Urs?” he rasped, his voice utterly wrecked.
He reached for me, and I quickly pulled my hand away, like my life depended on it, and as I stared down at him and I felt the ice around my heart begin to slowly melt, I knew it did. I shot to my feet. This changed nothing. He was hurt because he’d fucked up somehow. He’d reaped what he’d sowed.
“You look like shit,” I said.
“F-feel it,” he said and coughed. “You came for me.”
I straightened my spine. “I did, yeah, because I don’t take betrayal lightly.”
“No, that’s not…I didn’t betray you, I…”
I crouched down again, trying and failing to harden my heart. Still, I said the words I needed to, the words that would keep him at arm’s length. “Baby, I brought you here to kill you.”
He didn’t react, just stared up at me, unafraid, maybe even resigned. “You do whatever you have to. If I have to go, I want you to be the one to put me out of my misery. I want to be looking into your beautiful eyes, at that beautiful face, when I take my last breath.”
Oxygen was punched from my lungs, and I grabbed his jaw.
“Even now? Even when you’re moments from death, you choose to fuck with me?
To try and manipulate me? I underestimated how fucked up you really are.
” I leaned closer. “It won’t work, not this time.
I fucking despise you, Silas. I feel nothing,” I lied, fighting down the devastation swamping me.
He lifted a trembling hand. “I love you,” he choked out. “I have loved you for three years—”
“Stop,” I growled out and pulled away again, shooting back to my feet.
“The trial in that dungeon, making you drink the poison, you said I got off lightly. But what you didn’t realize, what you refused to see, was that watching you suffer, being forced to be the one to hurt you, was my trial.
” He shook his head. “My biggest fear wasn’t just losing someone I loved, it was losing you.
It was you, Ursula.” He took a deep, pain-filled breath.
“If killing me is what you need to do, baby, then my life is yours. Take it.”
“You’re trying to get in my head. You’re messing with me to save your own traitorous skin.”
He tried to move and gasped. His eyes rolled back in his head, and he passed out from the pain.
Shoving my fingers in my hair, I paced the room. What the hell was I going to do? I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t kill him, but if I let him leave, if I let him live, he’d know I was as weak and pathetic as he thought I was. I’d fail Lucifer all over again.
A knock at the door had me spinning toward it.
“Urs?” Lucifer called. “Need you to let me in, sweetness.”
Zenon had called him. Fuck. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want Lucifer to see how low I’d sunk, but he’d already know. He probably saw this coming, the fall of his most relentless warrior. I had no choice.
I opened the door, and his gaze slid from me to Silas passed out on the floor.
“Ouch,” he said as he strode over to him.
“I know how that feels. Falling sure as fuck doesn’t tickle.
Poor fucker’s been through it twice. Uriel wasn’t fucking around.
These scars, his hair…yeah, he won’t ever be going back.
” He looked up at me. “Are you going to kill him?”
I crossed my arms. “Yes…maybe.”
He nodded slowly. “Not really fair to kill a male while he’s all fucked up like this, though.”
“I guess,” I said and released a shaky breath.
He turned fully, so he was facing me. “If killing him means that much to you, do it, but don’t do it for my sake.”
“He screwed you over.”
Lucifer looked back down at him. “Did he?”
My gaze sliced down to Silas and back. “You were there, you saw what he did. He surrendered instead of taking out Nathaniel.”
“Have you asked Silas why he did it?”
My head jerked back. “What are you talking about? We know why.”
“Not everything is black and white, Urs, you know this.”
I shifted from foot to foot, looking back down at Silas, then at Lucifer. “And you know the truth?”
“We’re all pieces of some fucked-up puzzle, sweets. Like I told you, it’s your turn to put down the next piece. You need to decide what happens next. What do you want to do, Urs?”
“I have to protect our reputation. I can’t let anyone think I’m…we’re weak. I can’t let this happen, not again...I can’t—”
Lucifer grabbed me and pulled me into his arms, holding me so tight I could barely breathe, and he didn’t let go this time.
“It wasn’t your fault,” he said roughly, harshly.
“It wasn’t your fault back then, and it’s not now.
You are not weak, Urs. You are so incredibly strong, but, sweetness, you don’t have to be strong all the time.
Do you understand me? Showing the pain in your heart does not make you weak.
” He pressed his forehead to my temple. “Nothing you could do could disappoint me. You make me so fucking proud, Urs. Every day you fill me with pride. You and your sisters are everything to me, and if you need to let go of the pain or the fear that you’ve spent your life locking down, you unburden it on me. You give it to me.”
A sob escaped the depths of my soul, a raw, animal sound I didn’t feel coming. “Why?” I gasped out. “Why me? Why did he betray me? Why doesn’t he want me?” I buried my face against Lucifer’s shoulder. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“B-baby,” Silas choked out.
I startled and moaned in humiliation.
“Would you look at me…please?” he rasped.
I lifted my head and swiped my hand across my cheek.
“I told you, hellcat, I fucking love you,” he said.
I reached out like a desperate fool, searching for it, and sucked in a pained breath, because like always I felt nothing.
“Why are you lying about this? What the hell is wrong with you?” I yanked my knife free, and choking on my heartache, flew at him, pressing my blade to his throat.
“You just made it a whole lot easier to kill you.”
“Why do you doubt him?” Lucifer asked calmly.
I spun back to him. “Because I’ve reached inside him and I’ve looked. There’s nothing there.” I pressed my blade deeper.
Invisible hands pulled me away, dragging me to the other side of the room. Lucifer strode forward and crouched beside Silas. I tried to break free, but he continued to use his powers to hold me there.
“Is Uriel acting alone?” he asked Silas.
“I think so. I saw no one but low-level angels while I was held there. No sign of Michael.”
Lucifer nodded. “I suspected as much.” He tilted his head to the side. “I have an offer for you.”
“What is it?” Silas said, struggling to sit up.
“Do you want to stay here?”
Silas’s gaze slid to me. “Yes.”
“What?” I gasped.
“Work for me, help us fight in the war that’s coming, and you’ll have a place here in Hell, but know if you do that, if you agree to stay, you can never return to Heaven.
When Uriel is defeated, and he will be, there will be no returning home.
Michael will never allow you back, he will never return your wings if you choose to stay. ”
Silas’s gaze left Lucifer and returned to me.
“I don’t give a fuck about my wings or Heaven.
I want one thing, and I’ll give it all up, if only she’ll have me.
” His gaze pleaded with me. “I fought for you, Urs, to get back to you. I know I failed you before, but never again. No matter how long it takes, I won’t stop fighting for you. ”
He wasn’t playing fair.
He swallowed thickly. “Urs? Please.”
I shook my head. “What are you doing?” I said to Lucifer, trying to fucking breathe, to rebuild the walls that were tumbling around me. “Why would you do that? Didn’t you hear what I said—”
“Ask him why he surrendered,” Lucifer said.
“You already know?” I rasped.
“I think I do.” Lucifer looked down at Silas again. “It has to do with my grandson, doesn’t it? You did it for Zenon?”
“What are you talking about?” I shook my head. “What does this have to do with Zenon? He did it for his wings, to go back to Heaven.”
“Yes, the tournament was fixed, Urs,” Lucifer said.
“But not because Silas was going to let them win, but because they knew what the final event would be, and that Silas’s hands were tied, that he couldn’t kill Nathaniel or Eloa even if he wanted to.
Silas has diminished powers, but he is the more skilled fighter. That didn’t matter though, did it, Si?”
Silas’s eyes flashed with anger. “I should have seen it coming—”
I shook my head. “I don’t understand any of this.”
“Then let me explain,” Silas pleaded.
I felt as if I was losing my fucking mind. “Fine. Explain.”
Silas leaned heavily against the wall. “Yes, Rosalind came to me with a deal, and I did consider it, but only because I thought I’d lost you forever.
I was never going to go through with it.
I tried to convince myself it was for the best, that I needed to move on, to try to get over you, but I couldn’t…
” His gaze turned stormy. “There is no getting over you, Ursula.”
I curled my fingers into fists as my heart fluttered wildly in my chest.
“And the way the final event played out?” he continued. “The reason I told you I wouldn’t take a life…it has everything to do with Zenon.” He ran a shaky hand over his cropped hair. “The first time I fell…was because I’d made a deal with the fates. Nathaniel found out and told Michael.”
I stilled. “What kind of deal?”
Silas looked up at me again. “Zenon had suffered his entire life, and I’d spent a good portion of mine with my hands fucking tied, unable to help him.
Then Mia came along, and I knew the path to her was the right one for him, but there are no guarantees.
So I made sure Zenon stayed on the right path, that he took the one that led him to his mate. ”
Holy shit. He messed with fate.
I believed him. Oh gods, I believed him, and not just because Lucifer obviously did as well. “What did the fates want in return?”
“To never take an angel’s life. If I did, Zen would lose Mia, and Zeph, he’d lose everything.”
What kind of male would risk his life to mess with the fates for someone else’s happiness? An image of him holding me close during the poison trial, a tear streaking down his face as he forced me to drink flashed through my mind. I started to shake.
Lucifer, still crouching beside Silas, turned back to him. “I will forever be in your debt for what you did for my grandson.”
“I’d do it again,” Silas rasped.
My pulse was racing as Lucifer placed his hand on the side of Silas’s head. “I think it’s time you show her, Si, don’t you?” he said as light glowed from his palm.
Silas jolted, his eyes sliding shut for a moment.
“What did you just do?” I said, fighting to get free, still held by Lucifer’s powers.
“I removed the shield that’s been blocking his emotions.”
I stopped fighting, my heart slamming in my chest. “What?”
“They were always there, Urs. You just couldn’t reach them.
Angels are born with an impenetrable block so others can’t read their emotions, so an angel’s weaknesses can’t be used against them.
It never occurred to me…I didn’t think. If only you’d come to me.
I’m sorry, Urs, I could have saved you from this pain.
” His gaze gentled. “But I’ve fixed it now.
Try again, sweetness. What do you feel now? ”
Lucifer released me as I reached out with my senses and I grabbed for the wall as all the volatile emotions flowing from my angel hit me like waves of heat crashing into me. Did Silas love me? I shook harder. Yeah, but mere love was nothing compared to what I found.
Silas was willing to die for me. Suffer for me.
Break for me. Live the rest of his life in Hell to be with me.
I hadn’t allowed myself to see it. I’d ignored what he’d shown me, over and over again.
He wasn’t the kind of male who got off on hurting people.
I knew that, deep down I knew that about him, but I’d tried to tell myself otherwise, to protect myself.
I ran to him and took his bruised and swollen face in my hands, my gaze searching his. My throat was so tight, I couldn’t fucking speak.
“Do you feel it, baby?” he rasped.
“I feel it.” I pressed my forehead to his. “I’m so sorry I threatened to kill you.”
He chuckled, low and rough. “If I have to go, dying in your arms is the only place I’d want to be.”
“You’re never dying, so you better get used to the idea of living for an eternity with me.” I pressed a gentle kiss to his busted lips.
“Hellcat, you’re stuck with me. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Promise?” I whispered against his lips.
“Promise,” he said back and kissed me.