5. Tyler #2
I’m strolling the walkway to Sean and Pam’s new Auburn Hills home the following weekend.
It’s a two-story Craftsman with hunter-green wood shingles and walnut beams. A lawn flag reads, “Welcome Home,” with an illustration of two gnomes holding hands.
I hear the conversations before climbing the porch steps to the front door.
I already emailed my gift to Sean and Pam: a gift card to a hardware store.
It’s boring, but they will be grateful for it when something gets busted.
These old Craftsman style homes were built in the 1930s, so there’s always a loose knob or squeaky floorboard to address.
I open the door and see what appears to be the entire town in their living room.
I immediately recognize nearly everyone here.
Most are people my parent’s age—or what would’ve been their age.
Some of my neighbors from up in the hills and even a few clients are here.
Martin must have spread the news around town about his brother moving here.
I doubt Sean and Pam know all these folks already.
“The Parkers are taking over the town!” I hear someone shout from the corner of the room, followed by a roar of laughter.
I go through the crowd and see Martin and Sean, arm in arm, chatting with a group of people.
They look like they could be twins, with the same broad build and wide smile.
Though Sean is a bit more tanned than his brother.
I scan the room for my friends. I usually can spot Chloe anywhere due to her curly hair, but she’s nowhere to be seen.
I find Reid and Annika huddled together, sharing an armchair.
They are whispering things to one another.
Reid looks at her as if she’s the only person in the room.
I’m about to crash their love party when a firm grasp lands on my shoulder.
I whip around to see my dad’s former coworker, Fred, from when he worked part-time at the feed and seed shop. Fred has a kind face and sunspots from working outside daily. His nose scrunches when he sees me, and a familiar dread washes over me. I can sense what he’s about to say.
“Tyler, my boy. Oh, I’ve been thinking about you.” He pulls me into a deep hug, squeezing me. I can’t breathe. “I was just thinking about the days your dad and I would be hauling bags of seeds in trucks. We all started cracking up the day he showed up with the llama.”
I try to force a laugh and back away, but three other people join in.
I know them all well enough, and they all know my parents.
They all grew up together, and my loss is just as much as theirs.
But the difference is that they still have each other.
They still have their family. I don’t. I don’t get to see my parents grow old.
I don’t get to see my dad bake my wedding cake like he promised.
I don’t get to see my mom teach my future children how to garden.
They don’t get to see me get married. My dad and I never were able to go to Yellowstone together like we had planned.
They never will meet my new friends. They will never meet Chloe.
The people here say they feel for me, but they don’t know how I’m feeling.
The room is closing in on me. My breathing feels heavy yet sharp.
I hear myself say, “Excuse me … restroom.” I point in a random direction and push back through the crowd, making my way to the stairs.
I haul myself up to the second floor, find the nearest door, open it, and fling myself inside.
The quiet air hits me like a truck. I still can’t control my breathing, but at least the spinning stops.
I look up and see I’m in a room lined with bookshelves.
Books are scattered across the floor, and on the other side, I see Chloe with a stack of them in her arms.
She turns slightly and sees me. “Oh hey Ty, you escaping the party too? Yeah, it’s a madhouse down there. It’s worse than the college parties Anni and I have been to! Except I don’t know anyone down there besides Reid and Anni, and they pretzeled themselves on the couch.”
I back against the door, trying to hold on to something, barely registering her words.
Her back is still turned to me, and she hasn’t noticed my distress yet.
I try calming myself down but keep hearing echoes in my head: “They are missed.” “Such a shame.” “Gone too young.” “Miss them deeply.” “It’s just him at the ranch. ” “Poor kid.”
Chloe shuffles around the books on the shelf and continues, “Anni and I got brunch with Pam yesterday. We went to that new place at the end of Main Street, Herb take a deep breath with me.” I feel her breathe in, and I try to match it, exhaling with her simultaneously.
“Tell me three things you hear right now.”
I close my eyes and focus on what I hear, trying to drown out my racing heart. “People talking downstairs.”
“Good, two more,” she says as she keeps gently rubbing my shoulders.
I concentrate. “Birds outside chirping,” I say before pausing again. “The sound of you breathing.”
Chloe moves her fingers gently through my hair. “Good. Now three things you smell.”
I take another deep breath. “Old books. Walnut wood.” Another breath. “Vanilla.”
“Mm, Sean had these shelves custom built for Pam.”
“What’s the vanilla? It’s sweet but not like cookies.”
“Maybe it’s my perfume.” I lean back my head a bit and take another breath, my eyes still closed.
“You smell good.”
I can feel Chloe’s smile against my back. “Three things you feel.”
“Overwhelmed, maybe a little sad…” I say hesitantly.
“No, physically feel.” Her fingers return to my scalp.
“Oh. Um, your fingers in my hair.” Chloe then rakes her hands down my neck. “Now on my neck.” Then she trails them down my arms, wrapping her my hands around mine. “I feel you.”
“I feel you, too. Open your eyes—what do you see?”
I slowly crack open my eyelids, and the view of the room comes into focus. “I see a floral armchair. I see about a million books.” I look down at my legs. Chloe has her legs bracketed around mine. “I see your Birkenstocks.”
“Good boy. How are you feeling now?”
“A little more relaxed. Still a little sad.”
“It’s okay. Do you get panic attacks often?” Chloe asks bluntly, but doesn’t make a move to leave. We stay in this position where she’s cradling my back, idly running circles on my hand with her thumb.
“Not in a while. I got them often after my parents’ accident when I first moved back here.
Seeing their old friends downstairs brought up some feelings I tried to bury deep inside.
I think as time goes on, I assume I’ve healed from it all, but then something reminds me of them and I crash down again.
Or maybe I haven’t healed at all. Maybe I just get used to the pain.
” I inhale and exhale deeply. “I miss them so much, Chloe.” The confession pours out of me.
Why is it so easy to talk about them with her? Like talking to Chloe about them brings lightness, rather than darkness. She’s the sunshine I desperately needed. It’s a good thing she can’t see my face. I’m starting to spiral for something else entirely.
Chloe wraps her arms around my front, and I clasp my hands over hers. “I know, it’s okay to miss them, and it’s okay to still hurt. No matter how long it’s been. I’m here for you, Tyler, always.” She leans her head on my back, and we stay here for a while. Not talking, just being here together.
“Where did you learn that countdown?”
Chloe rests her head on my back, sighing, “It’s not easy to talk about, but my last breakup, was…really tough. Before we moved here, I saw a therapist who helped me. She taught me the grounding technique.”
I squeeze her hand, “Thank you, Chlo. I’m happy you found me.”
“I’m happy we found each other.” She says still bear hugging me from behind. I’m glad she can’t see my face. I have a flood of emotions running through me.
I’m restraining myself from finding the jerk who ever hurt her so much that she needed therapy to recover. Chloe deserves the world, and I want to give it to her. I take another deep breath.
I lied to Reid earlier. This isn’t just a crush, and that’s what worries me. I already have so few people in my life I care about, and I don’t want to set myself up to lose her, too.