9. Tyler
NINE
TYLER
NOW
The day after the party and my panic attack, I wake up wanting to shut everyone out.
I haven’t had one in years, so the feeling is foreign and unwelcome.
It reminds me of the worst time in my life, like a hangover and heartbreak balled up into a knot in my stomach.
All I want to do today is cuddle with Scooter on the couch and watch documentaries about national parks.
I’ve replayed the incident more times than I can count.
It’s been years. Why does this still happen to me?
It’s like I’m going about my life and a tidal wave of grief crashes into me.
Once it does, I’m in a state of overwhelmed panic.
I suppose it’s been a while since the grief hit me so hard, and I know it’s from seeing all my parents’ friends that did it to me.
Still, I should be better than this. It also is eating at me that Chloe saw me like that.
I don’t want her to think less of me. The whole event has left me feeling like shit.
Scooter is fast asleep next to me on the couch, but his head jolts up when the sound of tires on gravel comes through the window. Only a handful of people would pay me a surprise visit.
I open the door and realize it’s disappointment I’m feeling in seeing my best friend pull up in his pickup truck. I can’t lie, I was hoping Chloe would have come to check on me or something. Scooter flies through my legs, running toward Reid as he exits the driver’s side.
“Scoot! My man!” Reid says to him, crouching down while Scooter lunges into Reid’s arms. Reid walks up to the front door with a happy puppy in his arms, giving me a head nod.
“Hey, man, what’s up?”
“What do you mean?” I ask a bit too quickly.
Reid arches a brow. “You seemed moody after the party yesterday. I know when you’re going through shit, we’ve been friends for years.” I raise a brow back to him. “And Annika told me that Chloe told her you had a panic attack.”
“Geez, can’t a guy hyperventilate in private anymore?”
Reid leans down to put Scooter on the ground. “All right, bud, sounds like your dad is going through something. Go off and play.” He gives Scooter a pat on the butt, and Scooter heads back inside.
I turn to enter the house too, and Reid follows me. I didn’t think about Chloe telling anyone, and I didn’t tell her not to. It just felt like a personal moment between us. But I’m not mad she told Annika either.
Reid seems to sense my overthinking and firmly touches my shoulder.
“Hey, it’s all right. She just said you were feeling overwhelmed before Anni and I found you guys.
She asked if I could check on you. I put some pieces together.
A party with a bunch of folks in one room who knew your folks.
I can only imagine how hard it is for you. ”
“I’m going through a lot right now.”
Reid heads to the couch and sits down. “All right, one thing at a time. Let’s start with the party. What happened?”
I sit across from him and recount the situation.
I see the town, and everyone asks me about my parents.
Reid is familiar with my past. We became friends shortly after I moved back to town, which helped me find joy in this place again.
Making new friends and showing them where I grew up was a fun experience.
The fact that he didn’t know who my parents were and wouldn’t ask about them made it easier to cope.
“So then, I found Chloe in the library, and she helped me calm down. But I just felt embarrassed by the whole incident. Chloe saw me having a panic attack. And now I don’t know if I scarred her or scared her off.”
“Nah, you didn’t do either. Chloe is a good friend, she won’t be deterred that easily,” Reid says, giving me a knowing smile.
“Why are you smiling like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re hiding something.”
“I’ve been sworn to secrecy,” he says, miming zipping his lips and throwing away the key.
I shake my head. “Remind me to never tell you my secrets.” Reid shrugs, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking around. “Oh, come on, if you’re going to act like this at least give me a hint!”
“Unfortunately for you, I’m more afraid of Anni than of you, so no hints. Besides, we don’t have to tell each other everything. I’m sure you’ve got plenty secrets you don’t tell me!”
Yeah, like how all I think about anymore is one of our best friends.
That I’m scared of letting myself get too close to her in fear of her getting ripped away from me.
Like how the very thought of her catches my breath even when she’s not in the room.
Like how I can’t even tell Reid how lonely I feel at times.
Like I wish I had someone who knew how I felt.
I huff out a breath, “Don’t even get me started.
Hey, uh, I could blow off some steam from…
everything, do you want to go climbing?” I ask Reid, who has joined me at the climbing gym, Auburn Cliffs, a few times and even visited it alone on a few occasions.
He’s belay certified now, which helps when I want to climb ropes.
But today, I want to boulder. I want to feel fearless.
I want to stop thinking about what being around Chloe does to me.
“Let’s go—your car or mine?” He stands up and starts walking toward the front door.
“I’ll drive,” I say. I ensure Scooter has enough water and food before leaving and heading to Auburn Cliffs.
We ride in silence. I know Reid knows something about Chloe that he isn’t telling me.
It was probably something Annika said to him that he couldn’t repeat.
It didn’t used to be like this, but ever since that night when Annika ran off to the beach, something changed in our friend group and not just between Reid and Annika.
I look over at Reid, who is drumming on the passenger door to the song playing and mumbling the words.
I pull up to Auburn Cliffs, and we head inside.
We check in and lock up our street shoes and strap on our climbing shoes.
I slip in my earbuds and play my bouldering playlist at near full blast, helping me zone out the voices echoing in my brain.
I eye the bouldering walls. I’ve climbed them countless times. Some days are easier than others. I feel like today’s climb is going to be rough.
The first time I took Reid climbing, he said, “That looks easy.” Then, after he tried a run, he corrected himself by saying, “You make it look easy.”
Reid has come a long way since then and now has graduated from the beginner yellows to the intermediate green rock paths.
I am taking the light-pink path; it’s not quite the hardest, which is white, but it will still be a challenge for today, and more importantly, it will distract me from my thoughts.
I chalk up my hands, fitting my fingers into the grooves of the rocks and my toes at the start. I put all the force into my fingers to lift my body. I can feel the muscles in my back contracting and releasing as I make my way up the path.
After twenty minutes, I’m out of breath and drenched in sweat, but I can’t stop.
I peel off my shirt, chalk up my hands, and go at the wall again, Ratatat grooving in my ears.
All I can focus on are the grips, the rock, getting to the top, feeling the pain in my fingertips and in my feet.
I get to a bend in the path and find myself floating, only holding on by the tips of my fingers.
I look up to see the next grip. It’s too far.
I approached it from the wrong angle. I go to grab it anyway, but my fingers slip, and for a brief moment, I’m weightless.
Before I land, I turn my body and fall on the mat without injuring myself.
I exhale and close my eyes, feeling blackness creep around my vision.
I breathe deeply, my lungs feeling like sandpaper.
I love climbing; it’s a hyper-focused adrenaline rush, and you don’t want to lose it. You keep chasing it. Then the end is either victory or defeat. But then you go again until you can’t feel the tips of your fingers.
I get up and look around, looking for Reid.
I spot him sitting in the lounge area, sipping a green smoothie and reading on his e-reader.
I walk over and take the chair next to him.
He hands me a shake of the same color. I sip and recognize the minty protein shake from the gym’s smoothie bar.
He pushes a button on the bottom of the e-reader and sits back, looking at me.
He looks like he may have climbed for ten minutes and then given up. Regardless, I’m glad he’s here with me.
“How’d it go?” Reid asks.
“Went great, but I can’t get something out of my head.”
“Does her name start with the letter C?” he asks with raised eyebrows, taking a sip of his smoothie.
I roll my eyes, “You’re the worst secret keeper alive. I need to know I’m not completely out of my mind.”
Reid looks around the gym as if he’s trying to make sure Annika isn’t lurking behind a pillar. “You’re not completely out of your mind. Maybe for other reasons, but not those involving Chloe.”
I exhale. “I don’t know what’s going on, but she’s all I think about these days.”
Reid shakes his head, “Listen, I’ve known Chloe since we were kids, and although I don’t know everything, I know she’s been through hell and back. But it’s not my story to tell. It would be best if you heard from her.”
I nod and consider his words. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own situation, I didn’t even consider Chloe has her own shit she might be going through.
She mentioned on our hike the other day about her parents and I haven’t even bothered to ask how she is doing.
This is exactly why I shouldn’t even think about anything more with her.
I have too much to work through myself before layering in a relationship with someone.
“It’s nothing, really. A crush that’s fleeting, I’m sure. She’s just been a great friend to have lately, that’s it.” I wave him off.
Reid nods, opens his mouth, and then closes it again, shrugging. “Alright, if you say so.” He says taking another sip from his smoothie and I’m grateful he’s choosing not to prod more.
I decide in this moment, to focus on my healing first. It’s seriously a problem if I can’t handle being in a room of people I’ve known my whole life.
I can keep being friends with Chloe but can’t lead her on anymore.
If the big secret Reid has tucked away is that Chloe has feelings for me, I worry I won’t be able to give her my full attention.
And I won’t be able to deny myself from wanting more from her if she were to make a move.
We return to my place, and Reid heads for dinner with Annika.
I walk over to my bookshelf and rearrange it by genre and author.
Just like we did at Reid’s parents’ house.
I don’t have as many books as Reid or Chloe, but enough to fill one wooden bookshelf.
I know there are more books in boxes in my parent’s room but I haven’t worked up the courage to go through those yet.
I snap a picture and send it to Chloe without another thought.
More out of instinct. Regret hits me just then at the conflicting conversation with Reid.
He gave the impression that my crush on Chloe was mutual, but if she’s going through her own emotional recovery, how can I be the man she needs if I’m in shambles myself?
She immediately replies and then sends me a photo of her shelves.
The photo is of three bookshelves that reach her ceiling, filled with books. Another message pops up after.
Chloe
Hey :)
I got some freebies from work today. I found a couple of books I thought you’d like. Two books about national parks and one about some rock climber dude.
Me
What’s his name?
Tommy Caldwell, it’s signed too.
You have a signed Tommy Caldwell autobiography?! How did you get that?
LOL, I don't know, is he a big deal?
Before I started, he was at my work and signed a bunch of books. It was sitting on the staff freebie table.
Yes…please, he’s one of my climbing idols.
You can tell me about him when I drop off the books.
Can’t wait