19. Chloe
NINETEEN
CHLOE
THEN
I’ve never experienced love like this before—the all-consuming whirlwind of passion.
Everything I see reminds me of Dane. I wake up to “good morning” texts and get “good night” ones before I fall asleep.
I receive daily messages telling me how lovely and perfect I am.
I go to sleep reading silly, sloppy haikus.
He writes about how much he loves me. He loves me.
He told me so four months into dating, and we’ve been saying it to each other every day since.
I love him so deeply that I couldn’t breathe if he weren’t in my life.
I can tell Annika thinks it’s all too much.
She won’t admit it to me, but I know she wants me to slow down and take it easy.
But I can’t stop. I knew I wanted to be with him since I locked eyes with him at the coffee shop.
I even hold back from telling Annika any details so she doesn’t worry too much about me. About how obsessed I am with him.
But she is distracted now with Reid. I desperately want her to make it work with him so we can go on double dates.
They work out great from where I’m standing, but Anni is holding back.
I don’t know why. But even so, she should feel free to date anyone.
She can’t be so serious about everything.
We’re in college; this is the place to try new things.
When we first got here, I’d wear different styles of outfits each week to see if I wanted to reinvent myself.
During the week I borrowed some of Annika’s black clothes and tried my “alt girl” look, I knew it wasn’t for me, so I threw on the nearest floral dress.
That’s pretty much been my style ever since.
Every day for the past month, Dane has been waiting for me outside of my first class to walk me to the next.
Usually, I’d meet up with Annika and we’d walk together, but Dane insists on walking with me because there are days when he works all day and can’t see me.
We’ve seen each other every day for months now.
I’ve lost count, but I don’t want it to end.
I burst out of the doors from my class and see that ice-blond hair and warm, tanned skin waiting for me.
He’s pinching a little flower between his fingers, spinning it around.
I skip to him and swing my arms around his neck.
He wraps his arms around my waist, turns me around, and then locks his mouth onto mine.
His mouth aggressively roams mine, as if he’s claiming me.
He pulls away, and my lips are tingly. He tucks the flower behind my ear. “Ready, babe?”
“Mm-hmm,” I say, nodding and interlocking my fingers with his.
We walk side by side, swinging arms. Many of our walks are quiet and peaceful.
Occasionally, we stop to kiss each other, but we don’t talk much.
Sometimes, I have a million thoughts running through my head, but I don’t want to say anything to make Dane stop giving me attention. I worry I might scare him off.
I remember that Annika wants me to go shopping with her this weekend, and I was going to ask Dane if he was okay with that.
He usually wants to hang out with me on weekends, but this would be the first weekend in a string of weekends we won’t be together all day.
I go to open my mouth, but bite my lip as we approach the building for my next class.
“See ya later, Chloe,” he says, giving me another kiss and swatting my butt before walking off.
“Hey, wait!” I call after him. He spins around to give me that great, big smile. “You are coming to my art show later, right?” I ask, feeling butterflies swirl around my belly.
“I wouldn’t miss it,” he says and turns back around. He’s already missed one, but I try to push the nagging feeling down.
Making my way across the quad, I head into my marketing lab in the east building.
The lab classes are smaller so the professors can assist students one-on-one.
Typically, everyone is just trying to catch up on the rest of their work.
Annika is already inside, sitting at the desk in the back corner of the room.
I slide into the seat next to her and smile at her. She has a distressed look on her face.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her.
“It’s Reid,” she says, her eyes red-rimmed from crying. “I just ran into him. I told him I couldn’t see him anymore.”
My mouth falls open. “What! Why did you do that?”
“It’s too much pressure, Chloe! I’m so stressed out with college. No one tells you how hard it is.”
I sit back and reflect briefly. I suppose I haven’t put that same pressure on myself. Sure, I haven’t been getting the best grades so far, but I’ve been loving these new experiences and getting to do things I love, like painting and meeting new people.
“How did Reid take it?”
“Terribly. I feel like shit.”
“Poor Reid,” I say, and she gives me a leveled look. “Poor you, too, but I feel bad for him, too. He was my friend too. And now I can never see him again,” I say, and Annika starts laughing.
“I guess you could still say hi to him if you saw him.”
“Nope, he’s cut out. That’s the girl code.”
“I think you just make up these girl codes.”
“So, what if I do? I’m a girl, aren’t I?” I say, flipping a blonde curl over my shoulder.
Annika sits back in her chair, relaxing a bit.
I’m delighted in myself that I could help her relax a bit.
“So, how’s it going with Dane? It seems like you two are getting serious,” she asks, and I bite my tongue, knowing I’ve withheld so much when it comes to Dane.
I haven’t told her that we love each other.
I haven’t told her that we had sex on the floor of our dorm room last week.
I haven’t told her that he’s all I think about.
I’m worried she will say I’m moving too fast. She could barely handle going on two dates with Reid. She wouldn’t understand.
“It’s going great! He is so sweet to me, Anni. I’ve never been so lucky to have a guy like him,” I tell her genuinely.
“I’m really happy you are really happy, Chloe. You deserve so much. I hope he knows that.” Her words hit a spot in my gut. I can feel my eyes going glassy, but I blink it away and smile at her.
“He does. He treats me well,” I tell her, but it sounds like a lie.
The lab is lively today. So many students are chatting about projects and generally yapping.
The professor is bouncing between tables, answering questions.
Annika has her headphones in and is furiously typing on her laptop.
I am drawing doodles in the margins of notes I took in my last class.
I have an exam next week and should be studying, but of course, my mind wanders to Dane. What is he doing right now?
I look over at Annika, and she looks at me out of the corner of her eye and removes an earbud. “What’s up?” she asks and looks down at my notes. “I don’t know why we have to take a history class. I know it’s general ed, but it is so boring,” she adds.
“I wish I could go to college without taking classes or doing any work” I say. “Just hang out with my besties all day.”
“You hang out with your boyfriend more nowadays,” Annika quickly points out, but then presses her lips together as if she didn’t mean to say her thought out loud.
“We hang out all the time. We live together,” I retort.
“I know, but never mind, it’s okay. You’re right. We see each other all the time,” Annika says and goes to put her earbuds back in.
“Let’s hang out tonight.”
“It’s a Wednesday.”
“So! Neither of us has class tomorrow.”
“What should we do? We don’t have fake IDs, so it’s not like we can go to any bars.”
“That reminds me, Isaac knows a guy whose girlfriend got fake IDs from this chick at USC. He said he could give us her number.”
“That sentence makes me anxious,” Annika says, and I laugh.
“I’ll take care of it.” I wave her off. “Let’s wander Gaslamp, just like we did when we first started here. We would walk around drinking iced tea and browsing random stores. I miss those days.”
“I miss those days, too. I miss hanging out with you. I know you are wrapped up with Dane, but I do miss our girl days.”
The mention of Dane’s name reminds me that he likes it when I hang out at his coffee shop on Wednesday evenings. He works but still likes to see me, so I usually sit at a table drawing or studying. I’m sure he will understand me skipping out on one Wednesday.
“I miss our girl days, too. Let’s do it,” I say, pulling out my phone to quickly text Dane about the change of plans.
Me
I’m going to hang out with Anni tonight.
Dane
But I’m working tonight
I know, but Anni misses me.
I miss you.
I see you every day.
She lives with you. You see her more than me.
I hate it when you put her ahead of me.
I stare at my phone, feeling sick to my stomach.
Dane is constantly jealous of my friendship with Anni.
He says she is rude to him whenever she comes into the coffee shop and that she’s trying to separate us.
I can’t imagine that is true. Annika can be a bit sharp, but she’s never intentionally mean unless someone is mean to her.
It’s one day. I’ll see you all day tomorrow. My art show is on Friday.
What art show?
I told you about it today after you dropped me off.
Hm. I think I’m busy.
You said you wouldn’t miss it.
Can we not text about this? I don’t want to fight over text.
Are we fighting?
When can I see you next?
I don’t know, why don’t you ask Annika when you can see me?
Don’t be like this.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
Love you.
Looking at my last message leaves a greasy feeling in my gut. I am gripping my phone at my desk, wanting to flee. I want to disappear. I put my notebook in my bag to leave the room.
“Where are you going? We still have about ten minutes of lab left,” Annika whispers, removing her earbuds and closing her laptop.
“I need to get out of here. I don’t feel well.”