23. Chloe #3
My conversation with Dane is partly to blame.
Not by what he said but the reminder of my past. Deep down, I know Tyler isn’t like Dane, or like any other guy I’ve hooked up with or dated.
Tyler feels like security. He’s not only here for a good time, he’s here for all the moments.
But I’m scared. What if it all comes crashing down again?
I’ve let myself go for someone before and they’ve taken advantage of me.
I don’t want to believe Tyler will do that, but I can’t help but worry about the what if’s.
What if we try and it doesn’t work out? What does that mean for our friend group?
What does that mean about my living situation?
He’s my landlord, technically, now. It complicates things if we decide to make things more than friends for it to blow up in our faces.
“Ok, this is the second time your face has turned pensive and your eyes have drifted off to the windows. What’s on your mind?” Tyler asks as he prepares two plates of bacon, eggs and sourdough toast.
“It’s nothing.” I say, failing to find a different answer than the truth. So, I chose to not say anything at all.
Tyler comes over to me, reaching one arm to the counter next to me and looks down. His eyebrows scrunch in and his warm, brown eyes scan my face. “I feel like it’s got to be something. You seem like you’re on a dimmer switch.” His eyebrow quirks up.
“A dimmer switch?”
“Yeah, you’re a light, so bright and sunny all the time. I feel like a flower basking in your light when I’m near you. But right now, I don’t know, you seem dimmed. Did someone say something to you at the shelter? Anything happen with the dogs?”
I lean up and kiss his cheek gently. His eyes fall shut but I pull away before doing anything more.
“No, no, nothing happened,” I say in an almost whisper.
“I was just thinking about a painting I want to do. Like I said, I have some sketches, I’m trying to think about how I’ll lay it out.
” I inform him, hoping he’ll take my fib.
He keeps gazing at me for a beat before kissing the top of my head and pushing off the counter and bringing the food plates to the table.
“Let’s look at those sketches then, maybe I can help.”
Luckily the rest of the evening was barren of any other borderline moments.
I collapsed on my bed in the cottage only a few minutes ago, telling Tyler a lame excuse that I need to wake up early tomorrow for an early book release.
I dashed off shortly after dinner with Dandy wrapped in my arms, Scooter trailing us to the cottage porch before a whistle from Tyler had the beagle high tailing it back to the main house.
The whistle nearly had me running back into Tyler’s arms too.
I huff out a breath and run my hands across my face. I need to talk to someone.
After three rings, the call connects to the other line, “I thought we were past late night crisis calls,” Annika says in way of greeting.
“Are you alone?” I plead.
“Hold on.” Annika says and I hear her mumble something, I’m guessing to Reid, then hear hardwood floor creaking. “Okay, what’s up? Do you want me to come over?”
“No, no–I just need to talk.” I exhale. “I think I want to date Tyler.” I say finally.
“And your crisis is?” Annika deadpans.
“This is serious!” I roll on my stomach, army crawling to where Dandy is curled up on a pillow so I can pet her head.
“I never said it wasn’t.” She chuckles. “Did Dane say something to get in your head? God, I hate that guy, I swear I’m going to learn witchcraft just so I can make a voodoo doll of that pathetic twerp and torture him for all the turmoil he’s left in his wake. And then I’m going to get a cauldron–“
“Hey, whoa, reel it in, Hocus Pocus.” I shake my head. “He didn’t say anything but what if the same thing happens with Tyler.”
She releases a deep exhale, “You will survive. Whatever happens, good or bad. You’ll make it out.”
“How are you sure?”
“Because you’re tough as hell. The toughest person I know. And besides, you don’t need to know all the answers right now. I think if what you’re feeling feels natural, then you should go towards it. Stop fighting. You’re just fighting yourself.”
“How did you know when it was time for you to take a chance with Reid?”
“I think I couldn’t tolerate being his friend and seeing him date other women. Have you thought about what it would feel like if Tyler started dating someone else?”
“The thought of that makes me want to cry, throw up and scream, all at the same time.”
“Well, then I think that’s your answer.”
“Thanks, Anni. I should really thank Reid though, he’s made you soft.”
“Please, only slightly.”
I laugh and we chat idly for a few more minutes before hanging up.
I crawl under the covers and let the words sink in.
Not only does the thought of Tyler dating someone else make me ill, but the thought of myself dating anyone else feels wrong on so many levels, even if it scares me to be in a relationship again.
I think it may be worth it to let myself fall in love again, if that person is Tyler.