Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
OLIVIA
Olivia’s hands shook from the adrenaline as she and Henri made it into the wings.
She exhaled a long breath. They’d landed every lift, every turn. It had been nearly flawless.
She’d heard Pop in the audience, which meant her mom was there. She had a sneaky feeling that maybe a couple of other people were there, specifically a man with a little girl who wouldn’t let two senior citizens drive two hours back home at night on the highway.
She swallowed the emotion, trying not to cry. She still had the last dance, where the entire company was on stage.
She looked up to find Henri and congratulate him, thank him for this amazing opportunity, and saw he was already across the wing, hugging Marie, his usual Sugar Plum Fairy. She was in street clothes and had been watching from the wings. She waved at Olivia with a smile.
Olivia waved sadly back, realizing her time as the Fairy would end tonight.
That went so well. She’d never danced better professionally.
She was going to talk to the director.
If there was any time to see if they had an open spot for her someday, this was it.
She found the director on the computer in his office. She knocked on the door.
“Yes?” he said quickly.
“The pas de deux went well,” she said. “Thank you for your help.”
“I saw. The lift—good.” He shrugged. “The back leg needed to raise.”
“Oh.” Not what I wanted to talk about.
“Marie is here, I heard. So nothing more needed for you. You’ll be paid in two to three weeks.” He turned back to his computer.
“I’m not sure if you know, but I’m looking for a new role.”
“Henri mentioned,” the director said, taking his glasses off again. “You can put this on your resume.”
She nodded, thrown off by his comment. Of course I would put it on my resume. What the hell? “I was curious if you had any open corps roles?”
“We’ll have one in January. Not posted yet.”
“Well, I would love to apply.”
“Hmm,” he said, looking her up and down. “Maybe… too old? But you can try.” He shrugged and went back to his work, dismissing her.
Right, she remembered. That was how this game was played.
You were a favorite until you weren’t.
They cared about you until they didn’t.
She went to reapply her makeup for the final waltz number.
A clawing ache she’d remembered for so many years was back with a vengeance. It was want. Wanting to be part of something, wanting to be included, feeling like she’d made it, like she wasn’t teetering on the edge at all times.
The best performance of her life, and it still hadn’t been good enough to make all those feelings go away.
The final waltz went off without a hitch. She’d always liked this part. It was joyful with the entire company on stage dancing together.
She basked in the glow of the company bows, trying to savor the feeling of being special, stave off any emotion, and just smile brighter.
Given The Nutcracker was a children’s ballet, the cast members were encouraged to go out into the lobby to meet and greet families. She had many pictures taken at the photo station, and eventually, one of the other dancers subbed in for her as she saw her tall brother over the top of the crowd.
She met her family in an alcove away from the rest of the crowd. Wells gathered her up, swinging her around, squeezing the life out of her. “I’m so proud of you, Freckles,” he said with a big kiss on her cheek.
“Oh,” was all her mother could get out as she started crying—what looked like—again. “We’re just so proud of you,” her mom whispered as she gathered her in a hug, and then Pop squeezed the life out of her as well.
Although Olivia savored the moment of hugging the two best people on this Earth, her eyes were drawn to the bouncing six-year-old and the quiet man holding a huge bouquet of flowers behind them.
Her eyes locked with Luca’s, and he gathered her up, crushing her to him. “You were stunning.”
A small sob escaped her in the comfort and safety of that hug.
“?Livia, ?Livia!” Annabelle said, bouncing up and down. “That was so cool! I saw you.”
“Yeah?” Olivia said, wiping her eyes carefully. “Did you have fun watching it?”
Annabelle nodded her head up and down so hard it might have almost fallen off. She could see AB was overwhelmed.
“Yeah, I had fun too.” Olivia’s lip wobbled at that last part.
“Let’s take pictures,” Wells said.
Olivia shuttered her emotion behind a stage smile. As she was flanked by her brother and parents on either side, the smile turned genuine.
The crowd had thinned out as they all stood and talked about her performance. Before long, Wells left to start the long drive back to Philly.
Luca leaned down to her mother. “Hey, Martha and Pop, could you take Annabelle to meet the characters?”
“Ooh, let’s look at the merch too,” Martha said, holding Annabelle’s hand. “I think you’re a size fabulous, same as me.” She winked at Annabelle. Annabelle giggled as Pop grabbed her other hand and they walked to the other side of the lobby.
“Hey,” Luca said, now that it was just the two of them. The look of concern in his eyes had only gotten more intense the longer he’d looked at her. He pulled her farther around the corner, away from other people. “Talk to me.”
She smiled and blinked, overwhelmed. Couldn’t process it.
“I’m good. I’m just… It felt so good,” she said, breathless, remembering the rush of the feeling onstage.
“But?” he said, a questioning look in his eyes.
A tear plopped onto her cheek as her lip twisted down.
“But it wasn’t enough,” she said, her voice catching.
“It’ll never be enough. I loved finally showing what I’ve been preparing for, you know?
Just dance and show the joy that I’ve always had in performing this amazing choreography, but…
it didn’t solve all my problems,” she said with a laugh, wiping her eyes.
“Which is a ridiculous thing to think anyway.”
He handed her his hanky, and it only made her want to cry more. He enveloped her in a hug, and she finally let herself sob.
There was a low from it not feeling like she’d always imagined.
Not feeling like she belonged and not being enough.
It’s an endless pit. It’ll never be full. The job can’t love you back.
“I’ve given so much of my life,” she said, pacing now.
“Given my time, sweat, tears, social life, joints, relationships, time with my family. Given so much that there’s…
there’s this emptiness now. All I have to show for it is an empty airplane hangar where my life should be.
I thought this would be the thing that fixed it, you know? ” she said. “Even if I keep trying…”
“It might still feel this way,” he said, understanding.
She nodded, biting her lip.
“Wherever you go…” he said.
“There I am,” she sighed, “in toe shoes. I don’t know what I was expecting—a red carpet to join a company or what? But they didn’t seem interested.”
He wrapped her in a hug again, and she finally relaxed. “Thank you for coming,” she said. It meant so much that he’d come at the last minute. “It means everything, actually.”
“Olivia, you were breathtaking. I don’t even feel fancy enough to talk to you right now.”
A smile grew on her face as she took in his dark sweater layered over a charcoal button-up, dress slacks, and dress shoes. Tattoos peeked out above the neckline and onto his hands, which somehow turned the hot outfit into scorching.
“I like your outfit,” she said, looking him up and down as they held hands. An understatement.
“You mean my fancy-meal clothes?” His eyes danced but stared at her ruby-red lips. “I like yours. I have fond memories of this tutu. But this time, I can ask: will I mess up your makeup if I kiss you?”
“Definitely,” she laughed, her heart fluttering. “But more importantly, I will leave bright red lipstick all over your face. Annabelle might be six, but she is not a dummy.”
“Hmm,” he said with a warm smile, nodding in agreement. He hugged her hard and kissed her temple.
“I can’t wait to be home with you,” she said. He squeezed harder in response.
“Look what we got!”
They turned around to see Annabelle, Pop, and her mother all in matching bright red sweatshirts, carrying bags of merch.
“Martha,” Luca said, “you didn’t need to—”
“Oh, nonsense. I have no grandbabies to spoil, so you just let me.” Annabelle had a commemorative sweatshirt, a book, a doll, and her own sparkling pink tutu.
Her mother looked genuinely thrilled to have spoiled Annabelle. And to her credit, Annabelle looked like she really loved to be spoiled. Martha, Pop, and Annabelle chattered with each other.
Oh, god. A realization hit Olivia. What are Luca and I doing?
Their families were becoming entangled with each other. They’d completely lost control of the situation.
She looked up at Luca as he seemed to realize the same thing.
Uh oh.
“Do you want us to wait for you?” her mom asked. “You can follow us home.”
“No, it’s going to take me a minute to get everything. And to de-”—she gestured at her face and her hair—“-sparkle.”
Annabelle giggled. “I’ll take your sparkles.”
“I will save some for you,” she said, booping Annabelle’s nose. “Thank you for coming to see me.”
“I’m going to be a ballerina like you.”
Well, there’s the road to heartbreak, kid. She mentally started saving for Annabelle’s therapy someday.
No, she would drive back alone because she had many hours of thinking to do.
* * *
At 1:00 AM that night, Olivia quietly snuck up the stairs of Luca’s house. She just needed to feel him. The empty darkness of her own house next to his felt chilling in comparison.
She gently closed Luca’s bedroom door and locked it. They’d just get up early together, she decided. She tugged off her yoga pants and sweatshirt. He roused as she climbed into bed.
“Good,” he said, holding up the cover so she could climb in. “I was worried about you,” he mumbled sleepily into his pillow.