Chapter 15
MILES
“I think the word you want is demisexual,” Ryder said, both hands wrapped around his coffee. The coffee shop was busy enough before work, people coming in and out, but no one was paying attention to us.
Just as well, because there was no way I could’ve had this conversation if there was a chance of being overheard.
But I’d lost my chance to get an answer out of Booker, and also…
It wasn’t that I was avoiding him.
I was just. Choosing not to intentionally see him, right now.
For reasons.
“Yeah?” I asked. I felt like I ought to be taking notes.
“Well, that’s what my theatre kids tell me,” Ryder said.
“I can introduce you, if you want. They know more about… basically everything than I do,” he added, with real pride in his voice.
“But yeah. There’s a flag and everything.
It’s uh. Part of the asexual spectrum, where the main thing is you don’t exactly experience sexual attraction to people on first impression? You have to know them.”
“That sounds normal to me,” I said, frowning. Wasn’t it?
No, wait. Joel didn’t feel that way. Neither did Evie. Had this been what I’d been missing the whole time? Was it just… a thing that was true for some people? More people than just me?
“Yes,” Ryder said. “Because that’s how you experience the world.”
He had a point. If I’d been colorblind, it would’ve been normal for me not to be able to tell red from green. But that didn’t mean no one could.
“Besides,” Ryder said. “There’s no normal. You know that. There’s just as many ways to be as there are people in the world. Some people who feel that particular way call themselves demisexual. You don’t have to, if you don’t want.”
Did I want?
“Can I think about it?” I asked.
Ryder chuckled. “Obviously. You can change your mind anytime. And personally, I’ll support you,” he said. “Booker would, too.”
Right. Booker.
I swallowed down a too-hot mouthful of coffee to clear the sudden lump from my throat.
Everything had been going so well.
“What if, umm. What if there was someone I knew, who I thought… who I maybe wanted to…”
Ryder raised an eyebrow.
“Someone you liked?”
I nodded helplessly.
“Hey,” Ryder said. “No pressure, but you can tell me. You’ve seen my soul,” he said, tapping the manuscript on the table between us. “We’re best friends, as far as I’m concerned.”
Despite everything, the thought of that made me smile. Two whole friends I’d made by myself. And a few other people who were like, friends-in-law? A kind of package deal.
“What if there was someone I thought maybe I wanted to kiss,” I said. “Or… do other things with? I mean like… like Warren and Ryan do, in your book. The things they think about with each other.”
I tried to pretend to myself that I wasn’t blushing to the roots of my hair as a flash of big, warm, solid body under me came back. A body that smelled like falling leaves and clean soap and a tiny bit of hot chocolate and which had made an incredible movie night pillow.
And which I’d dreamed about last night and now couldn’t face the owner of because I was afraid he’d just know, somehow, and it’d ruin everything between us.
I’d never had this problem before.
Well.
No. That wasn’t entirely the truth. And I’d handled it exactly the same way last time, and I was pretty sure I’d hurt someone I loved over it. I didn’t want to do that again. I needed advice.
And if I needed advice, I was going to have to ask for it.
“Do you mean sex?” Ryder asked, raising an eyebrow. “Because you’re also allowed to want that.”
“I think I mean, umm. Intimacy. That kind of… I’ve had sex and it’s not like them, and I know it’s a romance novel and it’s fantasy but some of it’s real, right? It can feel good to be with another person, can’t it? It’s not supposed to be weird and awkward and kind of gross?”
Ryder sipped his coffee, looking at me like he was weighing his answer carefully.
Another time I might have been insulted, but I could see it for the care it was with him. People had been so kind to me in Otter Bay. Every one of them had taken my feelings into account in every interaction.
I’d only known two other people like that in my whole life. Evie, and Joel.
“Without judging anyone, I do think you’re actually supposed to want to have any sex you’re having,” Ryder said.
I watched his expression change as he figured out that I hadn’t felt that way.
He might’ve pitied me, but that wasn’t it.
What I saw in his face was understanding.
“I mean, it is weird and awkward and kind of gross but at the time you’re supposed to be having too much fun to care. ”
“Before Ward…” He paused, licking his lips.
“Before Ward, I felt like… I don’t feel exactly like you, but sometimes…
often… I just had sex with whoever would have me.
Until I came back here and realized that I’d known my soulmate my entire life, I never really felt good about it.
After, anyway. I was getting off but I was just getting off.
Ward’s different. I mean, I’m kind of a weird case, people definitely have perfectly fulfilling casual sex all the time, I’m just…
not one of them. We’ve got that in common. ”
I nodded, feeling like I got what he was saying.
“He makes you feel safe?” I asked tentatively. That was what I’d taken from the book, which I was beginning to understand was such a thinly veiled retelling of real life that it might as well not have had the veil at all.
“He makes me feel a whole lot of things,” Ryder said, smiling at my shoulder like he was picturing Ward hovering just beyond it. “Safe is definitely one of them. And it’s important. Your someone makes you feel safe?”
“Always,” I said. My someone always made me feel safe. “And umm. Other things, too,” I admitted, ears burning.
Ryder’s smile broadened to a grin. “Well, first of all, I think you should tell them,” he said. “Because anyone in their right mind would jump at the chance.”
Now it was me raising an eyebrow.
“What? You’re cute. And interesting. Smart. Fun to hang out with. Librarians are kind of innately sexy, too.”
My eyebrow crept a little further up, but I took his point. I was aware of the concept of a sexy librarian.
I wasn’t convinced I was one of them, though.
“Doubt me all you want, but half of Otter Bay has a crush on you,” Ryder said. “Partly because you’re new, but mostly because of the whole package. You need to have some self-confidence.”
That made me laugh. “Maybe I should take up amateur theatre,” I joked.
Ryder’s eyes lit up. “You’re kidding, but it could be really good for you. Let me know if you ever wanna tag along with me. I meet up with a group once a week, they’d love you and you could have a lot of fun.”
“I will keep your generous offer in mind,” I said, fully intending never to mention it again if he didn’t. Acting? On stage? In front of all those people?
I was a librarian for a reason.
It was a generous offer, though.
And I wasn’t having vague cuddly dreams about Ryder, so I was capable of having normal feelings about my friends.
“Can I tell you something? Something I’ve never told anyone?”
“Best friends,” Ryder said, beaming at me and spreading his hands in invitation. “Tell me anything.”
“I have this friend. Or… had, maybe, I dunno. Anyway, my sister and my then-fiancée and a bunch of other people were together for New Years and you know how those parties go.”
Ryder grinned knowingly, eyes sparkling. The ones I’d been to probably looked tame in comparison to some of the ones he’d seen.
“And then the thing was… what happened was… none of us were entirely sober,” I said, which was technically true. I’d had maybe two beers over the whole course of the night. I wouldn’t have driven home.
But I’d been a lot more sober than I’d been pretending to myself I had been for the last eight months.
This was harder to explain than I’d thought it would be. Which was probably why I hadn’t talked about it before now.
“I kissed him. My friend,” I blurted out. “My sister’s friend, really, I dunno. Everyone was encouraging me, including Robin—“
“Your fiancée?”
“Yeah,” I said, staring into my coffee. “I kissed my friend, Joel, and it felt so completely different than anything I’d ever experienced before that when Robin left me I was kind of relieved I’d never have to kiss her again because I knew it wasn’t supposed to feel weird every single time.”
“Okay,” Ryder said, as though I hadn’t just confessed my deepest, darkest secret to a man I barely knew.
I trusted him, though. He wouldn’t tell anyone else.
He was my friend.
“Does that… change anything?” I asked.
I felt like I was waiting to be diagnosed with something terminal.
“You might have to consider that you’re not attracted exclusively to women.” Ryder shrugged. “I mean, no one can make you, but I think you owe it to yourself to at least ask the question.”
“You say it like it’s no big deal,” I told my coffee, which wasn’t fair, because it hadn’t said anything at all.
“It’s not,” Ryder said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
“I could absolutely ruin a second friendship,” I said.
“Well, if it’s me you’ve got a crush on, I’m flattered but happily married and I don’t think Ward would be into a threesome,” Ryder said. “But it’s not friendship ruining.”
“I actually think you’re the single most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” I admitted, again to my coffee.
Ryder’s adorable giggle told me that he understood I’d really been talking to him.
“But it’s not you,” I confirmed. He’d known that, obviously.
I was so glad I’d met Ryder and I hoped he’d let me beta-read every single book he ever wrote and maybe I’d figure out something for the theatre group kids that the library could help with.
But it wasn’t him I couldn’t stop thinking about.
“Well, while we’re handing out compliments, you’re painfully pretty and I wish I had your sense of personal style,” Ryder said. “And while I’m handing out advice, you’d be surprised what’s salvageable when you reach out.”