Chapter 18
BOOKER
“Dammit,” I swore under my breath as the sound of shattering glass filled the otherwise empty bar.
Just as well no one was around to see me this morning. Andre had taken an early lunch. Probably because I’d been stomping around like a bear with a bee sting on his ass.
I’d managed not to actually snap at anyone. I could almost forgive myself for feeling like this as long as I didn’t take it out on anyone else.
I went for something to sweep the glass up with, cursing myself for being so ridiculous.
Alex was allowed to get married. He was even allowed to invite me.
Miles was allowed to be busy for one day. He didn’t owe me anything. Besides, if I’d seen him yesterday, I might’ve...
Been short with him, or something, which I didn’t want to do.
I swept up what I could and grabbed a trash bag to drop the bigger pieces into.
The door to the bar creaked open just as I was picking one of them up and I swore under my breath as a sharp edge sliced through my skin.
“Book?” Miles asked from the door.
I’d wanted to see him. I’d wanted to see him so bad it’d been gnawing a hole in my gut.
Now that he was here, I didn’t want him to see me. Not like this.
I fell back onto my ass, hand bleeding sluggishly, and sighed.
“Hey, Miles,” I said, closing my eyes. I couldn’t look at him. No matter what I saw on his face, I wasn’t in a frame of mind to handle it.
“You’re bleeding,” he said. The next thing I knew, he was holding my hand. I hissed as the cut shifted, but it wasn’t enough to scare him off.
“Dropped a glass,” I explained, gesturing at the bag and the remaining shards.
“I can see that,” Miles said. I wasn’t brave enough to open my eyes, but I could feel the way he was looking at me anyway. “Would it be okay if I helped?”
“I don’t want you to cut yourself,” I said. I’d never forgive myself if he got hurt on my account.
“I won’t,” Miles said. “And if I do, we’ll have cool matching cuts.”
That startled a laugh out of me.
“Come on, big guy,” Miles said, putting a hand under my elbow to help me up. “First aid kit?”
“I can take care of myself,” I said automatically.
“I know,” Miles said. “But someone told me once that it’s okay to accept help.”
I should’ve known that’d come back to bite me.
“Sounds like a wise man.”
“He is wise,” Miles agreed, helping me over to the couch he’d fallen asleep on the other night. “And kind. But there's a stubborn streak in there.”
I snorted. “Yeah, well. Comes with the package.”
“First aid kit?” Miles repeated.
“Now who’s stubborn?”
“Stubbornness is a virtue where I come from,” Miles said.
“Portland?”
“First aid kit,” Miles repeated in his best public librarian voice, which was really coming along.
“In the kitchen,” I conceded. “Hanging on the wall. Can’t miss it. Sir,” I added with a grin.
Miles poked his tongue out at me and wove his way behind the bar, disappearing into the kitchen.
Which was about when I remembered what I’d left on the counter, retrieved from the trash behind the bar after Seth had thrown it in there for me.
“Who’s Alex?” he asked as soon as he came back into the room. “Is he going to make you rock climb up to his wedding?”
I swallowed. I could have lied, but I didn’t want to. Not to Miles. He saw me as safe, and I still didn’t want to do anything to compromise that. Lying, if he found out I had later, would make him feel like he couldn’t trust me.
“Alex is my ex.”
Miles’s face fell as he flopped down on the couch next to me, first aid kit in hand. “Oh,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“For asking? Don’t be. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I could’ve been a tiny bit more sensitive.”
“How could you possibly have known?” I asked as Miles unpacked the kit, selecting an alcohol wipe from the assortment of things in there. It probably needed a restock.
“Have you had a tetanus shot recently?” he asked, ripping it open and taking my hand gently but firmly.
“I thought you were a librarian, not a—”
I paused to hiss as Miles cleaned out the cut with the wipe. It wasn't really that deep, just in an awkward spot, across the thick part of my palm where my thumb joined it.
“I took a first aid course to avoid a professional development session on organizational systems for children’s literature,” he said. “Which I’d regretted when I came here. Until now.”
“You’re full of surprises,” I said.
“Are you full of tetanus inoculation? Because I was led to believe you don’t want to develop it.”
“Sliced my other hand open with a saw blade helping Iggy build his cabin,” I said, showing him the scar on the other hand.
“Seth took me for a shot then and made fun of me for being a baby about it. That was only a couple of years ago, so I should be good. And my glasses and floors are clean, by the way.”
“I’m not sure they’re bet-your-life clean, but you’re right, no shot for you today,” Miles agreed, mopping up blood calmly with the corner of the wipe. “So Alex is like, a capital-E Ex, huh?”
“Do we have to talk about this?” I asked.
“No,” Miles said. “But you seem upset and you always listen to me when I’m upset. Thought I’d return the favor. And distract you while I bandage this,” he added, tearing open a package of sterile bandaging.
“I’m not...”
I stopped. No lying to Miles. I’d promised.
“Alex was my first real long-term relationship. Only, also. We’d been together a few years, and I was burned out with law and honestly on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I took some personal time, which he warned me would kill my career.
Anyway, then I stumbled across the listing for this place,” I explained, gesturing at the bar.
“We both came down and looked around and I knew instantly this was what I wanted, what I needed. So I asked him if he’d marry me, and we could buy the bar together and make a life here.
But, uh. Despite the fact we’d been together…
God, ten years by then, he, umm. He said this place—this town, this bar, and me, I guess—wasn’t enough for him. ”
“His mistake,” Miles said, with the conviction of someone saying the sun rises in the east.
I laughed despite myself. I was never sure it was. The longer I’d had to think about it, the more I thought he wasn’t right for me. Everything he’d said...
“He was right,” I said. “I mean, he said we clearly wanted different things, that was how he put it, and he was completely right about that. I was done with my career. He was already married to his. Guess he’s getting married to someone else now.”
“What kind of law did you do?” Miles asked, wrapping the bandage around my hand with surprising skill and care. “You never said.”
“Advocacy,” I said. “Family law, immigration, even personal injury stuff, which by the way is almost always justified and never pays out like it should. Just... helping average people navigate the kind of stuff that’s small to lawyers but huge to them.”
“I’d trust you with my legal problems. I bet you saved a lot of people a lot of heartache.”
“Maybe.” I shrugged as Miles tied and tucked the ends of the bandage. “You’re good at this.”
“Haven’t lost a patient yet,” he said. “You’re the first who’s ever been a living human, but...”
“Still a good track record,” I insisted. “Anyway, I quit my job and bought this place by myself. Couldn’t afford it, but… well, it’s called Faith for a reason. Worked out in the end.”
Miles looked at me wide-eyed. “You’re...”
“Insane,” I finished for him. “You’re not the first to say so.”
“I was going to say the bravest man I know, but I guess there’s a thin line.” A wry smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he glanced at me sideways from under his lashes.
“No braver than you.” I nudged him as he packed up the first aid kit. “You moved out here without knowing anything about the place.”
“I didn’t have a choice.” Miles shrugged. “Librarian positions don’t grow on trees.”
“I didn’t feel like I did, either. Otter Bay called to me. I think it kind of does, with lost souls.”
“Is that really why this place is called Faith?” Miles asked. “Because this was, like, a leap of faith?”
I laughed. “Maybe subconsciously. Consciously, it was because... this is a long story, but Mom always said she knew I was gay because every time Faith, the song, came on the radio, I got up and danced.”
“But you would’ve been...”
“I was three when she first noticed,” I filled in for him.
“So you’ve known you were gay since you were three?” Miles asked.
I laughed again at the look on his face.
“No, no way. I didn’t even have a word for it until I was in college and I met other people who were like me.
And I was one of the lucky ones, who did get to meet people who were like me.
I love that it’s easier now but I think people forget how quickly things changed.
When you and me were growing up, things were different. ”
“They were still playing George Michael on the non-oldies stations when you were growing up,” Miles said, grinning at me. “You don’t seem old enough for that to be true, y’know?”
He took my bandaged hand again and held it in his lap. I didn’t know if he knew, consciously, that he was doing it, but I didn’t want it to stop.
“You flattering me for a reason, or?”
Miles made a noise that was half disgust, half laughter, and then all in one movement curled up beside me on the couch, resting his head on my shoulder.
He was still hanging onto my hand.
“I’m not flattering you,” he said. “I came to show you the flyers for your craft circle.”
“Oh, we’re calling it a craft circle, now?” I teased.
“Kids in the library,” Miles said. “My personal opinion is that there’s no such thing as a bad word and there’s nothing to be gained from teaching a kid that certain words are a kind of forbidden fruit, but they’re not my kids and I also don’t like it when people complain.”
“Fair,” I said. “Your job is hard enough.”
Miles made a grunt of agreement. I couldn’t see him, but I knew from the way his body relaxed that he’d closed his eyes.
I felt like the luckiest man in the world right now. Like a tired hummingbird had just passed out in my hands because for whatever reason, it felt safe with me.
Damn.
I really was falling for him.
I knew, because I also knew I’d sit here for as long as he wanted to rest and let him, no matter what else happened.
I didn’t want anything other than to be a place where he found rest.
“I won’t tell anyone if you go nap upstairs,” I offered.
“Comfy here,” Miles murmured. “But I can get up if you’re not.”
“No,” I said, leaning back so he’d be even more comfortable. “No, I’m happy here.”
“Hey, Book?” Miles murmured, more than halfway to napping already. Running the library by himself was hard on him. I was amazed at how well he was doing. There wasn’t even anything in his hair today, as far as I could tell.
“Mm?” I asked, shifting at the same time he did, suddenly confronted with those pretty blue eyes.
“I really like you,” he said.
Obviously, he didn’t mean it like it sounded. Like he liked me like I liked him, like I was falling in love with him so fast it was scaring me half to death but the last thing I wanted was to hit the brakes because I hadn’t been so excited about being alive for so long.
That didn’t stop my pulse pounding in my ears or my heart swelling with hope. Even hope I knew was ridiculous.
“I really like you,” Miles repeated, which I could barely hear over the rush of blood in my ears. “And I was wondering if—”
The door to the bar creaked open.
Seth poked his head inside.
If it’d been anyone but my own brother-in-law, I might’ve killed them. Or at least barked that the bar was closed.
Miles wanted something from me, and I wanted to give it to him. Whatever it was.
“Thought you’d be in here,” Seth said, looking the two of us over with the hint of a smirk playing around his lips. “Sorry to break up the cuddle party, but I have to borrow Miles,” he went on. “The town council want to tour the library.”