Chapter 23
UConn pulls it off with a field goal in overtime.
It makes me happy, not only because they won but because that’ll only make the rest of our visit better. Nicky will be in
a great mood.
Both Mara and Luke are tipsy from the tequila lemonades and want to listen to music at full blast on the drive back to campus.
Mara is in the front seat and therefore has DJ duties, and she decides on some vintage Britney Spears.
“It’s Britney, bitch,” Luke says at the exact time that Britney Spears says it in the song, and both Mara and I die laughing.
Mara directs us to a visitors’ lot. I wonder where Luke and I are going to sleep—I assume Nicky will have a blow-up mattress
or a futon and the three of us will crash in his dorm room together, but I don’t know. Or maybe I’ll stay with Mara and Luke
will stay with Nicky.
“I have a single, so we can hang out in my room while we wait for Nick,” Mara says. “But bring your stuff. We both live in
Towers, so it’s only an elevator ride to his room from mine.”
“A single? I thought Nicky said Towers was all doubles and triples. How’d you get so lucky?”
“Transphobia,” Mara replies lightly. “Once my sweet, innocent baby of a roommate knew I was trans, she requested a transfer. Her loss, my gain. Wait until you see how much space I have.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, right as Luke says, “People suck.”
Mara shrugs. “It is what it is.”
Mara was right: her room is great.
She’s rearranged the layout and pushed both twin beds together so now she has a king-sized bed, and a sitting area on the
other side of the room. She has lots of red tapestries on the walls, some funky lamps, a stack of records, and a guitar propped
up in the corner. Two other people are there. The room is hazy and smells skunky.
“Hello,” Mara calls out. She coughs dramatically as she steps inside. “Open the window at least, you heathens. You’re both
lucky my RA is a pothead.”
The two people—who Mara points out as River and Leon—are extremely stoned and seem uncertain of their grasp on reality when
Luke ducks into the room after us. After Mara introduces them, adding that River’s pronouns are they/them, I tell them I’m
Claire, Nick’s sister. Luke says, “Nice to meet you. I’m Luke.”
“Holy shit,” Leon says. He’s leaning back on the futon, his eyes at half-mast. “You’re Lucas Cordova. Riv, that’s Lucas Cordova.”
River squints their eyes at him. “Nah, it’s not. No way.”
“It is,” Luke confirms.
Leon stares. “Hey, man. Don’t take this the wrong way, but . . . are you . . . are you real?”
Luke pretends to have a huge realization. He pats himself up and down, like he’s looking for his wallet or phone. “Shit. I
don’t think so, no.”
River widens their eyes and Leon says, “Yoooooo.”
Mara laughs. “You’re blowing their minds. Speaking of.” She turns to River and Leon. “Both of you. Out. Go have a snack and
come back when you can string a full sentence together.”
Sheepishly, River and Leon say their goodbyes and shuffle out.
They’re both alternative and stylish in the same way that Mara is. It’s funny, because this was not Nicky’s crowd at all in
high school. He sat at the table with the athletes and the Chelsea Adlers of the world. But when I see one of Nicky’s hoodies
draped over the back of Mara’s chair, it gives me a rush of happiness. For him. For me. For everyone. To know something bad
doesn’t have to happen for us to change. That we don’t always have to live in the boxes other people put us in, or the boxes
we put ourselves in. We can all change and grow and become new.
Nicky meets us in Mara’s room an hour later, hair still wet from the shower.
I can tell he’s in a great mood by the way he comes in, bouncing on the heels of his feet.
He shouts, “Gus is here!” and hugs me first, then gives a hearty “Good to see you, dude, I’m so glad you came” and big back-slapping hug to Luke, then lifts Mara and kisses her, spinning her around.
It’s cute, obviously, but also, like, gross, Nicky, stop. I’m standing right here.
Mara and I spend twenty minutes getting ready while Luke and Nicky catch up and move our bags over to Nicky’s room. Mara does
my hair: she gives me two braids on either side of my face and then loops them so they twist around the base of a ponytail.
It’s a much more professional updo than I could ever give myself. When we’re almost done getting ready, I catch Luke’s eyes
lingering on me in the mirror.
Or maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t there, same as I used to. Whatever the case, my heart surges and I look away.
We get dinner at a local restaurant and bar, in a back booth with Luke’s back to the restaurant, so we have some real privacy.
Even though all of us are underage, Nicky orders a pitcher of beer, and the waitress brings it to the table without checking
our IDs.
Mara and Luke are sitting opposite me and Nicky. Nicky pours three beers, knowing I won’t be having one.
When we’re waiting for our food to arrive, I get a text from Evie.
EVIE:
Miss u
ME:
Miss u! What are lily and Dylan up to
EVIE:
I’m at Lily’s house lol. She says hi. And that I’m codependent on u. How’s college??
ME:
Great
At dinner with nicky’s new gf. She’s amazing, will tell u more later
I didn’t tell Evie that Luke was coming with me this weekend. The whole thing felt . . . I don’t know. Like Luke coming with
me was more about our personal history, and if I told Evie he came, she would ask a million questions about it. If the situation
were flipped, I would, too. This goes way beyond the whole “we used to know each other adjacently, and now he’s shadowing
me for a role” line.
Nicky shakes his finger at me. “You know better than to text at the dinner table, Gus.”
I put my phone away. “Sorry, Mom.”
“So. Tonight,” Luke says, leaning forward over the table. “What’s our plan?”
“Bunch of Halloween parties, probably,” Mara says. “I have a dress-up box we can pilfer from before we go out for real, if you want to get in the spirit.”
“But it’s not even Halloween weekend,” I say.
Mara shrugs. “Welcome to college.”
“What are your teammates doing?” I ask Nicky.
Nicky glances at Mara. It’s only for a split second, but I notice it. “Probably getting drunk at SAE. We don’t have to fuck
with that.”
“We can,” Mara says. “I don’t mind going. In fact, I think it would be fun.” She looks at Luke. “Unless you don’t want to
be so out and about.”
“Let’s go,” he says. “What costumes do you have? Any masks?”
“No,” Mara says. “But I think I have just the thing.”
“I don’t know,” Nicky says. I glance over at him, and there it is: his jaw is clenched. The same look he got when Todd was
talking about how kid me was probably an off-the-rails ex–child star at the dinner table the other week.
“What?” I ask. “What is it?”
“Some of the guys on my team are huge assholes,” Nicky says.
“One guy,” Mara corrects him. “One guy on your team is a huge asshole. Most of them are great. Which is honestly an impressive ratio for a frat house full of
drunk football players.”
“You sure you want to go?” Nicky asks.
“Yes.” Mara is clear and firm. Nicky and Mara are so absorbed in each other that Luke and I may as well not even be here. We catch each other’s eyes for a second before we both busy ourselves with the food that just arrived.
It’s a cold but beautiful night, so people are spilling out of the fraternity onto the sidewalk and the street around it.
Luke and I are following Nicky and Mara, who are holding hands. It’s dark out, which makes Luke’s features look less identifiable,
especially with his hat on, and the thick-rimmed sunglasses with the nose attached that Mara gave him from her costume collection.
The package literally said they’re “disguise glasses,” which made all of us laugh. She gave me a pair of white fairy wings,
covered in glitter.
“What up, man?” Nicky says, dapping the guy who’s standing out front like he’s the bouncer. He’s got a white sheet wrapped
around him, ostensibly as a toga. Then Nicky nods at me and Luke. “Those two are with me.” The guy barely glances at Luke
and me before waving the four of us inside.
The party is packed. It’s difficult to make our way through the front room without getting separated. The light is low in here, too, so if I lost
sight of anyone, I wouldn’t be able to find them again all that easily. Luke’s in front of me, so I grab on to his coat. He
must have felt the tug, because he glances over his shoulder.
“Just me!” I yell. “I don’t want to lose you!”
“Here,” he says back. He holds out his hand, and I take it.
His fingers are a little cold from being outside. As he pulls me through the throng of drunk college students, he looks over his shoulder at me with a smile and gives my hand a quick squeeze. I’m surprised at how easy and natural it feels to hold hands with him like this. How good.
Luke, Mara, and Nicky all get beers from the keg in the sticky-floored kitchen. Nicky sees a few football players who must
be his friends, because he throws his arm around Mara’s shoulders and they go to say hello.
Luke and I are jammed against the cabinets. One or two people have glanced over at Luke, uncertain, but between his hat and
glasses and the low light in the house, he could be anyone. I wonder if that’s anxiety-inducing for him. If he feels like
he always has to be the best, most perfect version of himself whenever he’s out in public.
I wish I had a drink of my own, not because I want to drink but just to have something to hold in my hands. It’s too loud
for me and Luke to talk to each other. I don’t even like high school parties, which are much calmer and smaller than this.
I know this probably won’t be the kind of thing I do at whatever college I go to. But if I don’t go, will that make me feel
lonely?
Will there be other people who feel the same way? The same sense of crushing anxiety to be in a crowd this big, being pushed
and pulled every which way, unable to even hear yourself think?
Luke’s bopping around, sipping his beer and looking at the crowd. Or at least I think he is, I can’t tell through his black
shades. I go on my tiptoes and shout, “Can you even see anything?”
“What?” he shouts back.
“Can you even see anything?” I shout again, louder, tapping my eyes.
“Oh. No! Nothing at all!”
I laugh.
Luke bends and says into my ear, “Want to get some fresh air?”
I can feel his breath on my skin. I nod.
The two of us go back outside and sit on the curb. It’s so cold that the chill of the pavement cuts through my pants, right
to my skin. Luke takes off his disguise glasses and slips them into his pocket. Now he’s looking at me in that way again.
The way he’s looked at me once or twice, while we’ve been sitting in his car and talking. Maybe he’s drunk; I don’t know.
But my heart is beating fast.
“Hey, Cee?” he asks.
“Yeah?”
I can tell he’s about to say something different from normal conversation. I barely let myself breathe while I wait to hear
what it is. But then suddenly a pair of hands are on Luke’s shoulders. Nicky’s.
Nicky and Mara must have followed us out.
“That party sucked,” Mara says. “Mea culpa.”
“Want to see what your friends are doing?” Nicky asks her.
Why did they have to come out right at this moment? From the way Luke pops up and agrees, I know the moment is lost, and whatever
he was going to say to me is, too.