14. Emma
Emma
Penny looks both ways before racing across the road and meeting her dad at the edge of my property. Her blonde hair trails behind her, and she has a decided hop in her step. The girl is practically roller skating on cloud nine.
“Look, Dad!” She holds up a pink iPhone that’s nicer than the one I’ve owned for three years, grinning widely. “Mom sent me a phone!”
Carson’s smile is stiff. “That must have been really exciting, Pen.”
She looks right at me. “Can I have your phone number, Emma? I can text now!”
I look at her dad for guidance.
He puts an arm around her, squeezing. “Okay, we’ll talk about this later, Nickel. You have to agree to some rules before that thing is officially yours.”
Her eyes round, chin nodding fervently. “I will. I’ll follow every rule.”
“We’ll talk about it at home.”
“Are we still going to the pumpkin patch? Emma!” She faces me right as my phone buzzes against my leg, stuffed in the thin pocket of my leggings. “Do you want to come with us? We’re picking out our pumpkins. It’s October now.”
“It is,” I say, unable to dampen my grin against her enthusiasm. “That’ll be really fun for you.”
“Can you come?”
“Oh, I better—”
“You’re done with the chairs, aren’t you?” Carson says.
My eyes cut to him. Does the man want me there? He’s being too friendly and it’s going to start confusing the heck out of me. “Yeah, they’re finished.”
“No pressure,” he says, “but you’re welcome to join us. I’ve heard the mini donuts are unreal.”
“Says the dentist?”
“We’ll have a communal tooth brushing party after.”
“I’ll bring the floss.”
“That’s weird,” Penny says. “I just want a pumpkin and donuts.”
“You will brush tonight, though,” he says.
“Duh.”
He squeezes her around the shoulders. “We’ll probably head out soon if you want to join us, Emma, but no pressure.”
“Please come!” Penny says, negating his words entirely.
“I’m kind of a mess right now.”
“You might want a warmer coat.” Carson looks me up and down in a way that makes me squirm. “But you look great.”
“Now I know you’re full of it. Sure, I’ll come.” Because I’m a sucker for punishment, Carson, and maple mini donuts, of course.
Carson heads across the road, holding Penny’s hand. “Meet you out here in twenty?”
“Okay.” I gather my tools to put away in the detached garage, then carry the can of stain to the shed. My phone vibrates a handful more times, so I pull it out when I head inside to dress warmer. There are a few messages from Seth.
Seth
Dinner tomorrow night?
I was thinking the Maple Bar and Grill.
The wedding was a lot of fun, and I want to see you again.
I can’t help myself. I type out a response.
Emma
I’ll see you tomorrow at work, won’t I?
Seth
Ha. Ha. Ha. I mean, I’d like to SEE you again. Friday???
I stare at my phone, unsure of what this means.
He wants to date me, that’s no secret. I’d figured after our first time together at the wedding, he’d get his fill and stop feeling the need to chase me.
That’s what happened last time, and I’m prepared for history to repeat itself.
I’m not going to sit around and wait for him once he’s already moved on.
Unless he really has changed.
Emma
Okay
Seth
Really? Dinner with me tomorrow night?
Emma
Sure.
Seth
Then we can make a detour to the ridge…
Emma
We’re not sixteen, so that might be weird.
What I don’t say is that we don’t have to park our car somewhere to make out anymore. But I don’t want him getting any funny ideas about the library’s processing room.
Seth
It’s a date.
Why does my stomach drop when I read that?
This is what I wanted. I’m enjoying my time with Carson too much because his face is the thing that pops into my head when I read those words.
I really like him…a lot. He’s funny and smart and kind and makes me feel attractive.
I can’t remember the last time—or any time, really—that one man incited all those feelings in me.
But he’s off-limits. He’s been so clear about that. I’m only hurting myself by feeling these things.
I close the door and head upstairs to find a pair of jeans and thick coat so I don’t freeze tonight, telling myself I’m making the right choice with Seth. Eventually, I’ll stop thinking about Carson.
I have no other choice.
Bugelbach’s Pumpkin Farm has a plethora of round orange pumpkins ripe for the picking, yet Penny still takes a good half-hour to make her decision. I don’t blame her. A decent carving pumpkin is important. You only get one each year. This is a big thing for nine-year-olds.
It’s a big thing for anyone who cares about carving.
“We need more,” Penny says, patting the top of her pumpkin where it sits in the wagon between mine and Carson’s. “Nana needs one, and we need to pick some out for Aunt Maven and her friend.”
Friend? I mouth to Carson.
He leans over. “Ben Walker.”
“Got it.” I crouch to turn over an orange pumpkin that’s a little tall. “This one looks pretty good.”
Penny crouches next to me. “My Nana would like it.”
“Perfect.”
“What about this one for Maven?” Carson asks, toeing the nearest pumpkin with his shoe.
Penny doesn’t approve of it, so she goes on a hunt for another couple of pumpkins that suit her tastes, while Carson and I hang back and follow her around the patch.
“Maven’s here?” I ask.
“Yeah, a quick visit to take care of a few things. She probably won’t have time to carve this thing, but Penny won’t accept that answer.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Maybe we could sneak it in this weekend.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t tell me you’re too busy to carve pumpkins with us, Emma. My little girl will be disappointed.”
“I’m sure having her aunt there will eclipse my lack of presence.” I shoot him a look. “Anyway, I’m not sure. I have a date Friday, and Sunday is kind of set aside for my family. We have a thing, and I’ll be cooking for it all morning.”
When I look over, Carson isn’t standing next to me anymore. He hangs back, his forehead creasing. “A date?”
“Yeah.” I nod, resting a hand on my hip. “With a real human man, even.”
He rolls his eyes, pulling the wagon to catch up to me. “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.”
“It’s new. And old, too, I guess. We’re trying it out again. Apparently, he’s more invested this time.”
“That doesn’t sound like it’s littered with red flags at all.”
I shove his arm playfully. “I’m being careful.”
“I can be an emergency backup,” he offers.
My feet nearly trip over a pumpkin stem. What does that even mean? If it’s not going well with Seth, he steps in and finishes the date? I can already sense how terrible and dangerous an idea that is.
Carson explains. “You know, like I’d call you halfway through and tell you to get home right away because your kitchen is flooding.”
“What if I’m having a good time?”
“You’ll tell me to clean up the water, I guess. Who is the guy, anyway? Someone I know?”
“You vetting my boyfriends now?”
“Boyfriend?” His eyebrows shoot up. “This escalated quickly. I didn’t think you’d move so fast.”
If that’s a joke about the night we met, I’m going to ignore it. “As my friend, the most say you have in it is nothing.”
“Rude.” He grins. “So, who’s the guy?”
“Someone I work with.”
Carson grabs my hand, pulling me to stop. “Hold on, you don’t mean that guy from the bar?”
“There were two guys with us that night.”
“Gray hair?”
“Dale? No. He’s happily married.” And forty-five, but I don’t add that part. “His name is Seth. He was there that night.”
“I remember. He slid onto your bench as soon as I left it.”
It’s my turn to stop walking. My feet are rooted like these pumpkin plants. Carson watched me? He noticed Seth hitting on me? He was interested enough for that?
The reminder of the night we shared in the bar sends a wave of heat through me, which results in a chill. It’s still autumn in Vermont, after all. I cross my arms over my chest. “It’s just dinner,” I finally say.
“I really can call if you need me to.”
“That’s okay.”
“Suit yourself.” He stops the wagon behind Penny where she’s kneeling on the dirt, comparing two pumpkins. “What’s going on Sunday? Big family party?”
My heart beats clear through my body, pulsing in my ears. “It’s the anniversary of the day my mom died.”
Carson’s face whips toward mine.
“We’re going to visit her grave, then have dinner together. I’m making her favorite things.”
“Emma.” His voice is dripping with compassion, that one word driving through my body like a hot knife in butter.
“It’s not always a hard day, you know? Depends on the year.
But the twins—my siblings—just turned twenty-nine, so it feels momentous, I guess, not to have her around for the last year in their twenties.
And my dad is dating this woman who likes to marry men and then leave them, so it’s kind of a weird year. ”
“Dad!” Penny jumps up. “I want these two. Can we get them together?”
“Sure thing, Nickel.” Carson looks at me for a beat, his eyebrows pulled together, concern in his green eyes. Penny’s bouncing on her toes, though, so he attends to her, retrieving the pumpkins she chose for Maven and Ben.
“Can we get apple cider now?” Penny asks. “I want to go on the slide too. Will you slide with me?”
“Sure. Slide first, cider after.” Carson pulls the wagon over the uneven ground while Penny runs on ahead. She reaches a pyramid of hay bales first and begins to climb it. “I’m sorry, Emma. I didn’t know about your mom. What was she like?”
“Wonderful. Bubbly. Totally full of energy. I think my sister is a lot more like her than I am, but I look kind of like her. She was just…amazing. She was incredible at baking. I’m going to try to recreate her chicken pot pie and double chocolate chunk cookies, but they won’t compare.”
“If they’re as good as your sourdough, you’ll be fine.”
“You tried my bread?”
“I ate most of the loaf. You can steal flour anytime you want if that’s the result.”
I can’t help beaming at this. “I’ll make you a jalapeno cheddar sourdough next.”
He grabs my arm. “Don’t say it unless you mean it.”
Bumping his shoulder, I can’t help but smile. “It’ll be my next loaf, just for you.”
“Emma! Let’s slide!” Penny crawls down from the pyramid, heading toward me.
“Okay!” I pull my arm from Carson’s grip and catch up with Penny. She leads me to the slide, two large black accordion tubes side by side coming down from a wooden structure. I climb to the top with her and we get in our tubes at the same time. “Race you to the bottom,” I say.
Penny’s green eyes shine. “Go!”
She definitely had a head start, and she won.
“Again!”
“Only if your dad joins us.”
“Fine,” Carson says, leaving his wagon behind.
“Race you to the top.” He darts around me, and we scramble for the stairs in the midst of Penny’s delighted giggling.
He makes it to the top of the slide and lifts Penny as she catches up, flipping her upside down before setting her on her feet again.
She’s laughing hard, clinging to her dad while she regains her bearing.
When she looks up at him, admiration pours from her expression, reaching up and touching him.
He leans down and kisses the top of her head in the most attractive show of fatherly adoration I’ve ever seen.
Okay, not the most—the only attractive one? I’ve never watched a dad with his child and felt drawn to him as a result, but this is melting things inside me that will never regain their shape.
Carson and I sit at the top of the slides and Penny looks between us. “I want to be on Emma’s team.”
“I see how it is,” Carson says, reaching to tickle her side.
“Dad!” She squeals, jumping out of reach.
“Come on, girly.” I scoot back to make room. “We ladies have to stick together.”
Penny beams, climbing in front of me to sit on my lap.
“Who’s counting?” Carson asks.
“Me!” Penny counts us down and we take off down the slightly bumpy slide.
We tumble out in a jumble of limbs and giggles, rolling onto the soft mat.
Carson is up and at our side instantly, helping Penny to her feet.
He offers his hand and I take it, letting him pull me up until I land too close to his side.
His green eyes lock on mine, sending a thump through my ribs.
Carson clears his throat, leaning back to smile at his daughter. “Donut time?”
“Can I get my own?”
“No, let’s share.” Carson takes her hand, and she takes mine, so we walk toward the corn dog stand together in a line, the wagon of pumpkins trailing behind Carson.
“Emma?” Penny asks.
“What’s up?”
“Would you rather wear a pumpkin head for the rest of the week or have to speak into a corn like a microphone?”
“Do I have to shout into the corn cob?”
“Yes. It’s a microphone.”
“But the pumpkin might start to smell.”
Penny’s grin widens. She loves the tricky questions.
“The corn would make my job tricky. We’re supposed to be quiet and respect readers in the library. I think I’ll go for the pumpkin head.”
Penny looks at her dad. “You?”
“Pumpkin head.”
“We can all be pumpkin heads together!” Penny looks at the wagon. “Can we—”
“Nope,” Carson says. “I’ve got grand plans for mine, and it doesn’t include wearing it on my head. Now let’s get some donuts.”
While we wait for our order—he was a sucker and got two boats of mini donuts—we hold warm cider cups in our hands and Penny runs off to climb the haystack tower again.
Carson sips his drink. “Thanks for being so good with Penny.”
“She’s darling. You’re doing a great job with her.”
He shrugs. “She’s a good kid.”
“Besides, it’s easy to adore a child who adores you,” I say. “Must be my mad prowess with braids.”
“That was a good start for sure.” Carson smiles at me over the rim of his cup while he takes another drink. “You’ve had a good time?”
“It’s been great. After inhaling all those fumes today, I needed some fresh air.”
He lifts his cup for a cheers, and I tap my takeout cider against it. “What I’m hearing is that this totally beats dinner with Library Man.”
“Since that’s a date and this is friends hanging out, I don’t think they need to be compared.”
“Everything’s a competition, Emma.”
I laugh, glad our order of donuts is called so Carson has an excuse to walk away. But while I eat donuts for dinner and play a game of hide and seek with Penny, my mind keeps circling back to how Carson was thinking about my date with Seth. How he was comparing Seth to himself.
I’m buzzing for the rest of the night.