9. Chapter Nine ~ Brayden
Chapter Nine ~ Brayden
I remember the night of the accident like it was yesterday. I was nagging at Trent for dragging me out of the house again when all I wanted to do was spend time with Mia. She was so annoyed that we were hanging out every night and she threatened to leave me. She and I fought hard that entire week and I told Trent that I'd do one last night out with him and then I was done. I was ready to settle down.
“Mia’s got you pussy whipped.” He laughed as I sped onto the busy streets of the city. “I thought you were my best friend, not hers.”
“You sound like a hater,” I joked. “You’re my best friend, Mia’s my girlfriend. There's a difference.”
Trent knew how much I loved Mia. He even encouraged me to get my shit together so that she and I could start to really expand our love. He was also a bad influence though. I was so used to hanging out with Trent that I jumped whenever he called, even if I didn’t want to.
“You plan on getting married?” he asked. “Mia’s your girl and everything, but she’s still my little sister.”
The M word got me so flustered my foot hit the gas and the car jolted toward the intersection ahead of us. I didn’t have time to get my foot on the brake well before my beer spilled onto my lap, causing me to swerve and slide all over the road. Trent laughed and howled like a hyena, like the car spiraling out of control was some kind of fantasy of his. Before I knew it, we were sliding into oncoming traffic and then collided head-on with a stopped car.
I never told Mia I was the one driving the car that night. Trent forbade me to tell her because he told the cops he was the one driving. He'd already had two priors and since he was the one who dragged me out of the house, I went along with his story. If Mia knew I was the driver that night, her raft for me would have been never-ending. Trent knew it, I knew it, hell, even Uncle Joe knew it.
After the blow up over brunch, I wheeled myself onto the trail for some fresh air. I needed to clear my head of it all. I hated feeling like everything was my fault; like I was the one to blame. Mia did an awesome job at making me feel terrible. She'd make me feel even more terrible if she knew the whole story.
I thought about telling her; spilling the entire truth to her so we could either move forward or call it quits for good. I hated being in limbo, not knowing what to say around her, or how to act. Keeping my secret to myself made it even harder to be around her. I felt guilty every time we locked eyes.
When I got back from the trail, Mia was waiting on the porch for me to return. Uncle Joe had already gone and left me alone to hear Mia out. I wasn't afraid of facing my demons, but her raft was one thing I didn’t stand a chance against.
“We need to talk,” she said. “I’m staying here until I figure out where Trent is and how I can help him. So, until then, you and I need to have a heart to heart, hash everything out, and I have questions about that night. Uncle Joe gave me a look earlier that makes me wonder if there’s something I'm not aware of.”
A nervous lump grew in my throat. I had thoughts of coming clean to her while I was on the trail, but I wasn’t quite ready to speak it the minute I got back. Not while Mia was in a clear fit of rage on the verge of boiling over.
“If all you’re going to do is yell and point fingers, then I don't want to talk,” I said. “I’ve got enough going on in my own life to keep reliving the same night for the rest of it.”
She snapped her neck back like she was surprised by my straightforwardness, but she didn’t contest. It was the first time she’d actually held her tongue when it was obvious that she had something to say.
“Alright, fine,” she said. “I can promise to keep my cool as long as you promise to be honest with me. About everything. Don't hold anything back from me, Brayden. Ever since the night this happened, I've felt so empty and dark inside. I was never this kind of girl. I was always the life of the party, smiling, dancing. Now? My life is a mess behind closed doors.”
I lowered my head in shame because I felt like I ruined her life. For the longest time I held my head high and stood firm about that night being an accident. So much so, I lost sight of all the events that led up to it.
“I’ll tell you what happened,” I said. “I don’t want this conversation to turn into a fight. That's not what I'm here for, Mia. I never wanted to fight with you. I never wanted us to end up the way we are now. We were like family before this, just as Uncle Joe said. I hate that such a tragic accident took us off course, in everything.”
She knew what I meant when I said everything. Not only did our family environment get ruined after that night, but our love life too. Mia and I were perfect for each other. We lifted each other up in the areas that we lacked. We helped each other. We loved each other so much that none of the things we’d gone through in life mattered. I was angry that I didn’t have that anymore and didn’t know where to begin to get it back.
“Trent was fighting with his girlfriend the night of the accident.” I said. “It was why he wanted to go out so bad. She was going to be at some bar with her friends, that’s what she said, and he wanted to go to make sure she didn’t talk to any other guys.”
My heart pounded in my chest as I retraced the steps of the worst night of my life.
“I told him to take some time off with her, cool down, and talk to her another time, but he was adamant. He even had a ring for her. I found it in the car when I went back to look at it one day. He knew I was angry about being out so late, so he kept trying to make me laugh and drink to lighten up. We started talking about our relationship. I told him that night would be the last night I took a ride with him for a while because I had plans of getting my shit together for my own relationship. When he started talking about marriage, something happened. It was like the air got so tense we both zoned out and the car started to spin out of control.”
I paused my story to give her a chance to digest it all. I thought she’d settle for it; let me end things there, but the look on her face told me she wasn’t satisfied.
“You see, that’s what I don’t understand,” she said. “What made the car spin out of control? There was no rain that night, no snow, nothing. Did someone jump out in front of the car?”
“You know how Trent likes to goof off,” I said nervously. “He jerked the wheel going for another beer and the next thing I know, we hit someone.”
My story wasn’t necessarily a lie, but there were some missing truths. I was the one driving. I was the one who spilled the beer and jerked the wheel and lost control of the car.
“I don’t know, Brayden,” she sighed. “I’ve thought about how this could have happened a million times and nothing makes sense to me. At this point, I'm over it. I'm done reliving this nightmare. I appreciate you for telling me your side of things but I still don’t believe that’s it. I mean, I don’t know, maybe it isn’t meant for me to understand. It isn’t like there’s anything I can do about it anyway, right? My brother's gone. I can’t help but to feel as if he had one more chance left in him, so excuse me if it’s so hard for me to believe what you’re saying, but I can’t. Not right now.”
I kept quiet as she walked away. She was flustered and confused. My pain and guilt had started to set in, and I was in no way prepared for a fight with her. So, I wheeled myself to my room and got ready to call it a night.
Before dragging myself to bed, I pulled out an old letter from Trent. I took it everywhere with me. It was the first letter I got from him after his sentencing. He seemed to be doing okay at the beginning of the letter, but by the end it was clear he was in shambles.
Trent reflected on his life over the years, telling me how empty he felt inside until we became best friends. He said I was like the brother he never had, because Nick was more like a son to him. He also said he didn’t blame me for where he was.
I blamed myself for Trent being in prison. Had I paid better attention to the road or listened to Mia; if I would have stood firm with him and told him no, he wouldn't have ended up in prison. There were so many different avenues I could have taken that night. None of which I did and for that, I was forced to slow down and get a grip on reality.
My reality was hell after Trent was gone. I couldn’t imagine how bad Mia felt. I knew she hurt every day, but I didn’t know how much. If I did know, I would have told her the truth about that night years ago.
I figured over the summer I would do my best to make it up to her. Nothing I said or did could have brought Trent home, but I at least wanted to smooth things over with her before she left. Mia was a best friend to me as well, once upon a time. She was more than that. She was the woman I fell in love with; someone I thought I would never live a day without.
Rereading Trent’s letter made me realize how much she meant to me. It made me realize that I had to stop running away from my problems and masking them with anger. After a certain point, I was no longer a victim. I was a man who had to stand up and go after what he wanted. Not just in my career, but in my love life too.
Brayden,
First things first, I'll start out by saying none of this is your fault. I know you’re going to blame yourself for this and I'm here to let you know, don’t. I made a stupid decision and unfortunately, my clock ran out. It was a wake up call or life’s way of telling me to slow down. Don't make the same mistakes I made in my life. Do better than me. And take care of Mia. She's going to need all the love and support she can get, and you know she loves you the most.
I read that part of Trent’s letter over and over and over again, until my head hurt, and I could no longer keep my eyes open. It was a wake up call. A reminder to slow down and be thankful for the life I had in front of me. Before it was too late.