Chapter 6
THE SHOWER WAS RUNNING too hot, and Kyara couldn’t bring herself to turn the knob down.
She just stood there, with her forehead pressed against the cool tile, and the water beating against her shoulders, and her hands not really doing anything because soap and shampoo seemed to require a kind of decision-making that she wasn’t capable of right now.
Don’t think about it.
Don’t think about it.
Don’t.
But of course, the moment she told herself not to think about it, the only thing she could think about was it, and it wasn’t even Cyrus.
It was her boss’s face.
The way Mr. Havington had looked at her in the elevator after she said it.
After she lied. After she opened her mouth and the worst lie she had ever told in her entire life just came tumbling out, all because she couldn’t bear admitting that her relationship with Cyrus was, in fact, exactly as boring as her boss had said it was.
We don’t have a boring relationship at all because we kiss all the time.
Kyara made a small sound against the tile, and the sound was somewhere between a whimper and a laugh, and she didn’t know which was worse.
Because the worst part wasn’t even the lie.
The worst part was that her chest had been hurting since last night, and the hurt had nothing to do with Cyrus and everything to do with the look on her boss’s face in the second before he turned away from her and told Elbert to drive her home.
It was a look she had never seen on Mr. Havington before, not in three years, not in thirty-seven months, not ever, and her brain had been replaying it on a loop ever since.
Please drive Ms. Dunn home, Elbert. That will be all.
She had been Ms. Dunn again. Not Kyara. Not kyria.
And her heart hurt so, so bad every time she remembered it.
Just stop it, Kyara! Just stop.
She turned the knob down with shaking fingers and reached for the shampoo, because if she didn’t start moving, she was going to be late for work, and if she was late for work, she would have to face her boss with red eyes on top of everything else, and that—
No, oh no, no.
She wasn’t going to think about that either.
She was going to take a shower, and she was going to put on her clothes, and she was going to take the train two stations out, and she was going to walk into the diner she had been walking into every weekday morning for three years, and she was going to do what she should have done a long, long time ago.
That was the plan.
That had to be the plan, because if it wasn’t the plan, then she had no idea what she was going to do with the way her body kept aching whenever she pictured the look on her boss’s face going cold and far away because of her.
How strange.
The thought drifted up from somewhere underneath the water as she rinsed shampoo out of her hair.
I’m about to meet Cyrus for the first time since learning he’s been cheating on me for the past two months, and all I can think about is my boss.
It’s crazy.
And confusing.
And terrifying.
But at the same time...
That was also how she knew.
This had to happen.
The diner door stuck the way it always did, and Kyara had to push it twice with her shoulder before the bell over her head gave its familiar tired jingle.
It was the same as it always was. The working-class crowd too busy with their own mornings to notice her.
The smell of bacon grease and burnt coffee.
The booth in the back where Cyrus always sat, because it had the best view of the door, which was also one of those things she had never really thought about until just now, and now that she was thinking about it she couldn’t un-think it, because of course Cyrus would want to see who was coming in before they saw him, of course he would.
Don’t.
Don’t start now.
Just walk.
So she walked, with her bag clutched too tight against her side and her coat sleeve catching against the tacky edge of every booth she passed, and she didn’t even register that her hands were shaking until she was already standing in front of him.
“Good morning.”
Cyrus looked up from his phone.
“Baby—what the hell happened to you?”
Cyrus couldn’t help wincing at how awful Kyara looked today. Sure, she was always dressed like a prude, but she had at least been a presentable prude, but this...
What was up with her red-rimmed eyes? Didn’t she realize she looked like a zombie right now?
And her clothes? She had buttoned her cardigan wrong, for one thing, and her hair was scraped back into something that wasn’t really a bun and wasn’t really a ponytail and was definitely not the kind of thing his girlfriend should be showing up in.
Cyrus glanced around the diner to make sure no one was watching, and was relieved when Kyara chose to sit across from him instead of next to him. No way did he want anyone thinking she was his girlfriend, not with her looking like that.
She slid into the opposite booth, and the vinyl made the same sticky sound it always made under her thighs, and Kyara found that comforting somehow, the sameness of it, even though nothing else was the same.
“I’m sorry—”
“You should be.” Cyrus set his coffee mug down with a small thunk of disapproval. “You’re being very selfish. What if we’re seen by someone we know?”
Kyara opened her mouth, then closed it.
Cyrus took her silence as the invitation it absolutely wasn’t, and leaned back against the booth with the air of a man preparing to deliver a much-needed lecture for her own good.
“I mean, I’m not trying to be harsh, babycakes, but you have to take more pride in yourself.
Have you even brushed your hair? And I’ve been telling you for months, real makeup, not that drugstore stuff.
And honestly—” his eyes flicked over her with the same flicker he gave his coffee when the waitress brought it lukewarm “—maybe it’s also time to start thinking about losing a bit of weight.
Just a little. For you, I mean. For your confidence. ”
Kyara could only stare.
How could she be so blind?
And...and stupid?
How could she have been with this man for three years and not realize he was the selfish one between them?
She had spent three years chanting loyal to Cyrus, loyal to Cyrus like a shield, and the entire time, the thing she was being loyal to was a man who was looking at her right now like she was an embarrassment.
Her hands tightened around the strap of her bag in her lap.
“I hope you don’t do this again, Kyara. I’m afraid the only way you can make up—”
“I can’t,” Kyara blurted out.
Cyrus stopped mid-sentence, and his eyebrows pulled together in a frown that she had spent three years interpreting as concern and that she was suddenly seeing for what it was, which was inconvenience.
“Can’t what?”
“I realized I can’t ever make it up to you—”
Oh no, I’m lying again.
“—and that’s what I came here to tell you.”
Is he on to me? Please oh please let him not be on to me.
She took a breath that didn’t really fill her lungs, and gripped her bag strap harder, and made herself look at him.
“I’m sorry, Cyrus, but I can’t be with you anymore.”
Cyrus stared at her in shock.
For one second, his face didn’t do anything at all, and Kyara could see underneath the smile-mask for the first time in three years—a flat, cold flicker that wasn’t gentle at all and wasn’t even surprised, just annoyed—
And then...his face slowly softened. Almost like he had remembered to put it back on. “Babycakes.”
Kyara couldn’t believe it.
Her every word was a big fat lie, but he had actually fallen for it...because of his ego?
Easy, Cyrus thought, and his shoulders settled back against the booth as the small flare of panic he wasn’t going to acknowledge having had drained away.
Of course. Of course she was just upset.
She had embarrassed herself by showing up looking like she did, and now she was spiraling, the way girls like her always spiraled, and it was up to him to graciously walk her back from the edge.
He reached across the table and patted her hand for the benefit of anyone who might be watching.
“It’s okay. We can still make it work. You just need to change your diet and sign up for a gym—”
Kyara covered her face with both hands and slowly shook her head.
It was the only thing she could do...before she ended up laughing hysterically.
Like seriously.
How could she be so, so blind?
Cyrus mistook the shake of her head for trembling, and the silence behind her hands for tears, and couldn’t help feeling touched at Kyara’s understandable pain.
She had embarrassed him by showing up looking like she did, but.
..he could forgive her for it. He wasn’t evil like the others.
He was good-looking and good, and that was why he would forgive her this once, but he would also make sure to warn her not to do it again.
He was, in fact, feeling rather magnanimous about the whole thing.
Kyara only lowered her hands when she was sure she had properly composed herself, even though composed was generous, because her chest was still shaking with what she was pretty sure was laughter trying not to be laughter, and her eyes were a little wet, but those...those weren’t for him.
Cyrus was smiling as Kyara lifted her gaze to his. He smoothed his tie and gave her his most reasonable smile, the one he used on his father’s secretaries.
“You know what, babycakes?” He was feeling rather magnanimous. “I think it’s okay—”
“I’m sorry, Cyrus.” Kyara spoke in a rush, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible. “I’m never going to change my mind about this. Goodbye.”
She was on her feet and reaching for her bag before he had even fully processed the word goodbye.
Cyrus’s jaw actually dropped.
What the hell?
He was just about to tell her that she could sit next to him again, but...
Did he just get dumped?