Chapter 7
Seven
JACKIE
W hen Joe suggested we go for a run sometime, my heart leapt in anticipation, but I didn’t think that he was serious. So when he texted me this morning, I nearly fell out of bed in shock. I texted back a few minutes later, so I didn’t seem too eager. I’m still confused about the feelings that rise up in me when thinking about him. I don’t like him in that way… not anymore. Sure, I used to crush hard on him, but I was just a kid back then. And even though I swore he was ‘the only one for me,’ that was always just a childish crush… right? I was over that silly infatuation long ago. Unquestionably.
Not only does this feel very middle school-ish to me, but I know Joe has always been more like a brother to me anyway. Now that he’s back in town, I’m thrilled. But it’s not because I still have feelings for him… that would be ridiculous. Joe Lawrence was- and always will be- just my ‘big brother’ friend. Well, actually, we need to re-establish that friendship. It’s been awhile, and I’m realizing that neither of us really know each other all that much anymore. So far, I like this Joe that I’ve encountered, but I’m not going to let myself crush on him again. Anyway, he only ever had eyes for Maia. My poor juvenile heartstrings were tugged and twisted and torn too many times to count! Joe was utterly oblivious to all the inner workings of my teenage heart… and thankfully so. I would have simply embarrassed myself if he’d ever found out.
Now, though, we’re both adults, and we’re on equal footing. In fact, we’ve already shared professional trauma as coworkers on a job — and we made a great team. The flurry of butterflies that crept up in my gut were surely just remnants of my old crush on him. Nothing more.
No, I need to get out of my head. I’m so discombobulated, that I have to stop mid-stride and shake off these thoughts. I can’t have things like this in my head while I’m on my way to meet Joe. I need to be clear about why I agreed to go running with him in the first place. I pause again and stop in the middle of the sidewalk. Why exactly am I going to go for a run with Joe?
The main reason I can think of is that he invited me, but obviously that isn’t why I accepted his invitation. I accepted his invitation, because I want to show him that I’m an adult now; that I am someone he can view as an equal, like he always did with Maia. I can feel irritation prickle through me, like a heat rash. I realize this is how I feel whenever I think of Joe and Maia.
Growing up, it was Maia who became friends with Joe first. His grandparents moved in next door to us, and he came to live with them for a while as his parents were getting ready for their big move to Cranberry Creek. Joe’s dad was set to be the new president at the university, and Joe’s grandparents had decided to move with the family as well.
Maia had practically marched over to their house with the intention to interview them. She’s always wanted to be a journalist of some kind. At that point she had decided that she was an investigative journalist, and clearly our new neighbors might be hiding something. That’s when she met Joe. I don’t really remember a time when he wasn’t in our lives. If I think about my childhood hard enough, then I can, but I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted to.
All of us sisters had huge crushes on him when we first met Joe. It seems hilarious now, but back then it felt so real. I secretly thought that I would be the one to marry him. Unfortunately he only ever had eyes for Maia. I had figured all that had changed when he went away and left for all those years, having no contact with us at all. Yet, given how eager he obviously was at the mention of Maia, well… I’m guessing he — and his heart — haven’t forgotten her
The thing that has changed, though, is me. I don’t harbor any more hidden feelings for Joe Lawrence. I’ve had plenty of boyfriends who taught me what love is, and what I want out of a relationship. And true love certainly doesn’t involve a guy who is pining away after my sister.
I shake myself out of my thoughts about Joe and Maia and the past, and I pick up my pace again. I agreed to meet Joe in the park at the center of town. My run will take me right past Violet’s shop. I wish I could find the time for another paint session with her. I can’t remember the last time I felt so free. Painting is the best release of stress I have ever found. I wish I had found this stress reliever sooner.
Violet’s studio isn’t open as I run by. At least this takes the temptation away from me. I keep running. The downtown is pretty quiet at this time of day. I remember that it’s Monday morning, and most of the shops either open later on Mondays or aren’t open at all. I have most Mondays off, too, since I work so many weekends and swing shifts. I won’t be able to maintain this schedule forever, but for now it works. I make decent money, and it isn’t like I have anyone waiting for me at home. So, it’s not an issue.
As soon as I turn onto the path into the park, I see Joe. He’s waiting for me by a bench alongside the path, doing some stretches while he waits. I try not to notice how handsome he looks in the leaf-filtered sunlight glinting through the trees above. It seems ridiculous that I’m still thinking about how good-looking he is and trying to ignore the knots in my stomach, after all these years spent exorcising him from my system.
Joe looks up and spots me coming. I ignore the huge kick of my heart against my ribcage as I raise a hand to wave back. I am acutely aware of how sweaty I already am, and now I wish that I had driven down here instead of running. That would have defeated the purpose of, you know, exercising and whatnot, but at least I wouldn’t be a smelly mess. Argh! Why do I care anyway? There is no one here that I’m hoping to impress.
“Hey, Jack,” Joe says.
I wince at my childhood nickname. Jackie is fine, but Jack? No, thank you. That was once upon a time, but no longer befitting of who I am now. Anyway, Joe and I aren’t on that kind of level of friendship, yet… if we ever will be again. I can’t stand it when someone calls me that, unless they really know me; but I don’t correct Joe. Instead, I smile back a greeting as I swipe sweaty strands of hair out of my face as surreptitiously as possible.
“Where do you want to run?” I ask.
“Out to the lake and back?” Joe suggests.
“Oh, sure,” I say. “That’s only a few miles either way. We’ll be back in plenty of time for me to take Sabina to her appointments today.”
“Do you always take her?” Joe asks as we start to jog together at a leisurely pace. “Or do Gianna and Maia take turns, too?”
I know that it is an innocuous question. I know that he’s asking about both of my other sisters, but I can’t help feeling like he just asked about Gianna so he could bring up Maia. Oh my goodness. I have got to chill out. What is wrong with me? Jumping to conclusions much, Jackie?
“We all take turns,” I say. “But I tend to do the most, because I work at the hospital and all.”
“That makes sense,” he says as we lapse into silence.
Some silences are friendly, like this one, and I can handle them just fine. Some silences, though, are so tense and so loud that I feel the need to babble just to fill in those gaps. Running has helped me calm the constant stream of thoughts in my head to just a steady trickle.
We approach the edge of town before either of us speak again. This time Joe says, “It’s crazy to think of how long I’ve been away from Cranberry Creek. It feel like so much has changed. Maybe it hasn’t, but I just feel kind of out of sync still. Fill me in on what’s been going on around here?”
I glance at him and shrug. “It’s pretty much the same place it’s always been,” I say. “People have just… gotten older.” I look at him to see if he catches my underlying hint.
“I can’t believe how much older all the Moretti girls seem,” he says, in a tone that I can tell is forced casualness. He clearly has more that he wants to say, and I feel the same prickle of irritation that I did earlier.
“That’s what happens, Joe,” I say, barely able to keep the annoyance out of my voice. “Seriously, did you think time stood still while you went out into the world, had all your adventures, and never once bothered to call or text or email?”
“No, of course not,” Joe says. I can tell that he feels hurt, but there’s also something else in his voice. Is that guilt that I hear? “I just meant that I’ve been away for a long time, and it’s been a real shock to my system, realizing how much I missed this place.”
I want to say something snarky about how he was really just missing Maia, but I bite back the words. I’m not normally a mean person, and I don’t know what it is about these interactions I’m having with Joe that bring that part of me out, but I have to make it stop.
The thought I keep coming back to is that I want Joe to see me the way he sees Maia. Not as some kind of romantic partner, I don’t think anyway; but as someone who is grown up, who is capable of so much more than he gives me credit for. How I’m going to show him that is not clear to me at the moment. It certainly won’t be achieved by snapping at him like I’m a tween who didn’t get to pick where we went for dinner. The best way to show him who I am, who I have become in his absence, is to have him get to know me, on my terms.
“Hey,” I say, making sure that my tone is neutral in the very least, but hoping that it sounds casual and cheerful. “Would you want to come paint with me at Violet’s art studio sometime? You remember Violet, don’t you? It’s just this new hobby that I’ve picked up, and it would be a nice way for you to see some of the things that have changed in Cranberry Creek.”
I nearly hold my breath while I wait for his reply. What possessed me to ask him that? My new hobby has been all of one time, and I don’t even know if Violet would be open to having him come along with me. And… do I really want Joe to be a part of this new-founded experience that brings my emotions to the surface? Too late. I already brought it up.
Joe grins and says, “Sure, that sounds like fun. Honestly, it would be a new adventure for me, painting. Maybe you could invite all of your sisters, so we could spend some time together… like old times?”
I force a smile onto my face, as I say, “Perfect. I’ll get it all set up.”