Chapter 19
Nineteen
JACKIE
I jog away with a smile on my face. He took my name suggestion. My heart is beating faster than I thought even possible. And it’s not because I’m running. I’m struggling to be honest with myself about all of the things that have happened with Joe in the past few weeks, maybe even all the way back to childhood.
When Joe first moved in next door with his grandparents, I was eleven. And I was right on the edge of puberty. Everything about me was awkward. I had braces, a face full of pimples, and greasy hair. I had to be told to shower. Looking back now, I wonder how I ever survived, but I know that I need to give myself some grace, because a lot of eleven-year-olds are exactly the same as I was.
So Joe moved in, and I fell head over heels in puppy love with him. I know that at eleven no one really falls in love, but for me it was the first time I had ever felt anything like that before. I might have noticed other boys before that, but I don’t really remember any crushes before Joe. Everything he did seemed to make my heart beat, like it’s hammering away right now.
That’s the truth, and I’ve never admitted it to anyone before, not even my diary. After a few months, I realized that he was never going to notice me in that way, and I buried the feelings deep down inside of me. I denied them even to myself. It would have been horribly embarrassing for me to have been found out for such a silly little crush.
When it became clear that he had fallen in love with Maia, I resolved to never ever admit to anyone that I ever had any sort of feelings for him. I put it to the back of my mind and assumed it would just take care of itself and dissipate into thin air as I grew up.
Now that he’s come back into my life, though, I have to wonder if maybe I should have dealt with and worked through those feelings. I’ve been acting like a jealous, spurned woman. And the reality is that I only want Joe to be happy, and if that means being with Maia, then I hope that’s what he gets.
I run harder, sprinting down a straightaway on the edge of downtown Cranberry Creek. The exertion feels good, and I like that all I can hear is the pounding of my footsteps in my ears. My breath comes harder, so I’m forced to slow down. I realize that I’m near Violet’s studio. We haven’t had a painting lesson in a while, and I find that I really miss it. I wish that Joe had let me teach him what Violet has taught me.
The Lits are meeting in a little while. If I don’t get home soon, I won’t be able to take a shower before the Book Club meeting. Not that any of my friends would really care. I’ve probably smelled worse around them before; I know that some of them definitely have.
We’ve all been around each other at both our best and worse states. I love this about my friends. We are also comfortable and truly ourselves with one another, and we see each other through better and worse. I think about how blessed we are often. I don’t know how many people have such close, real friendships like The Lits do.
And it’s not just one or two of us in the group that have such genuine friendships; I know we all feel that way as a collective whole group of six. It’s remarkable if you ask me. If anyone else were to ever join Book Club, I can’t really say. It’s hard for me to imagine someone new coming in at this point, with how much our group has gone through and how well we know each other.
But who knows — maybe there’s another Lit somewhere out there! Anyway, I should probably think about the book before I get to Book Club meeting today! Being unprepared for our discussion is more sacrilegious than smelling bad to our devoted group!
Little Women isn’t exactly what I thought it would be. Even though I like the book, I will finally admit that I find some of the parallels with my own life disconcerting. When we had our last Book Club meeting, all my friends said that I reminded them of the youngest March sister, Amy. At first I thought it was because I am the youngest of four sisters myself, but now I wonder if it’s because she marries the man who is in love with her sister. Obviously, I have no plans to marry Joe, but my story kind of follows the storyline of the book. He is in love with my sister.
My phone buzzes, and I pull it out of the pocket in my leggings. “Hey, Violet, what’s up?” I ask, slowing down to a walk so that I can catch my breath.
“We were wondering if you’re still planning to come to Book Club today,” Violet says. I can hear talking in the background, and I recognize some of the voices.
“Of course,” I say. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, everyone else has been here since three-thirty,” Violet says, trailing off.
“Wow, everyone got there early today,” I say. “Don’t let me keep you. I’ll jump in when I get there. Can I ask why everyone got there so early?”
“Early? Jackie, Book Club started at three-thirty today,” Violet says. “We had to change the time, remember?”
“Nope, I forgot that,” I say slowly, drawing out my words as I try to remember this information.
“How soon can you get over here?” Violet asks.
I stop on the corner of the street and make a few mental calculations. If I jog over, I can be at Violet’s house in fifteen minutes. I tell her that, and she says, “We’ll wait until you get here. Hurry, though, or you won’t get any snacks.”
Laughing, I hang up. I can’t believe that I forgot that Book Club started earlier today. We never start at three-thirty. I guess a shower isn’t really a choice that I have today after all. Maybe Violet has something that I can throw on over the top of my sweaty clothes. They’ll all understand, though. Running is one of the things that makes me so happy.
I push myself to run above what I am normally comfortable with. My dad always drilled into us girls that if you aren’t actively trying, you’re already failing. I’m not sure that it totally applies to this situation, but I do think that it motivates me. I make it to Violet’s house faster than I thought possible. By the time I turn into the gated driveway, I’m sweating harder than I think I’ve ever sweated before.
Pressing the buzzer, I say, “It’s Jackie, for Book Club.”
The gate opens. I’m still not sure who operates the gate, but there is never anyone on the other end when I get here. Maybe it’s all automatic, and I don’t actually need to announce myself. I don’t know why I’ve never asked. Seems like such a silly thing, but I truly am curious. I jog up to the house, not caring that I’m profusely dripping sweat everywhere now.
When I get up to the front door, I head straight inside. The air conditioning immediately dries my sweat, making me shiver. Violet comes out of the library where I know the rest of the Lits are waiting for me. I feel a little guilty that I’ve made them wait.
“Are you okay?” Violet asks. “You’re shivering.”
“I’m just cold,” I say.
“Let me get you a hoodie,” Violet says, and she disappears down a hallway to the left. When she reappears, she hands me a towel and an oversized gray hoodie, which I accept gratefully.
“Thanks,” I say, quickly drying myself off before throwing on the hoodie. I feel better already. Now I just need water and snacks. I follow Violet into the library. Ever since Violet married her uber rich husband, Robert, we’ve taken to having our meetings in his private library. I can’t say that it’s an inconvenience.
“Jackie, you’re here!” Kaylee says.
“I forgot what time we were meeting, sorry guys,” I say by way of greeting.
“It’s not a problem,” Marissa says. “It gave us more time to eat these fantastic snacks.”
“I hope you left some for me,” I say, only half-joking.
I sit down and pull a blanket from the back of the sofa to spread across my legs. Even though the hoodie helps, I'm still cold. I can’t help but want to curl up under this blanket. If I had my very own library like this one, I would never want to leave.
“Now that we’re all here, we can get started,” Addie says. She typically leads Book Club discussions, unless someone else volunteers. Most of the time, though, we just let her go for it. She seems to like coming up with discussion points. It’s in her blood. She is a journalist after all. “I think it would be a good place to start going back over each character and their growth and development throughout the book.”
“Let’s start with Jo, then,” Ella says.
“Yes, let’s!” Kaylee agrees. She is usually a perky person, but today her energy seems to be bursting out of her. I make a mental note to ask her what she’s so happy about later. As soon as the thought enters my head, I realize how negative, almost ominous it is. I almost laugh out loud at myself.
“What about Jo exactly should we talk about?” Violet asks. “Like our impressions of her, or her overall growth? Something like that?”
“Let’s talk about her growth,” Addie says. “Let’s talk about all of the characters' growth.”
“Well, I think that Jo becomes more confident in herself as the book goes on,” Marissa says. “She rejects the status quo and really defines what it is she wants in life.”
“And that sets her apart from her sisters,” I say.
“How so?” Addie prompts.
“That’s easy,” I say. “Her sisters all want a typical life. They are going to get married and have families. Jo wants a career. She wants to go out and live life.”
“Just because the others want more traditional lives doesn’t mean they aren’t living life,” Kaylee says. She’s frowning slightly. Her mood is all over the place today.
“No, I didn’t mean it that way,” I say. “But it does set her apart.”
“So, Jo is different from her sisters,” Addie summarizes. “Does that impact their relationship?”
We all lapse into silence as we ponder the question. “Yes, it does,” Marissa says. “But not necessarily in a negative way. Think about it. We all grow and change, and that does have an impact on all the relationships in our lives. That doesn’t mean that the impact has to be perceived in a negative way.”
“That’s true,” I say. “My relationships with my sisters have definitely changed over time, but for the most part, it’s been good.”
“I feel like change in any form is scary,” Ella says. “Most of my life, I’ve been scared of what’s going to come next. I really felt like that was how Jo felt as I was reading.”
“That makes sense,” says Violet. “Whenever you step outside of your comfort zone, it feels scary. I think that’s something that all the sisters feel throughout the book. Especially with their father away fighting in a war, and then their sister dying.”
I almost groan out loud. That’s the one storyline that I didn’t want to discuss today. Beth dying is the single worst thing in the whole book. She’s the sweetest character, who embodies all that is good with the world, and then she’s taken. I think it bothers me so much, because it mirrors my fear of what might happen with Sabina. Her mental health seems to sink further by the day, and yet she continues to fight.
“Loss is scary,” Addie says. “None of us want to deal with that. And yet it is definitely part of our lives.”
We all slip into another contemplative silence. There are few people in my life that I can just be quiet with. My friends are most of those people. Finally, I am the one to break the silence.
“I didn’t expect this book to affect me the way it did,” I say. “Especially the Beth storyline. It’s literally my worst fear with Sabina.”
My friends all turn to me with varying levels of concern and sadness on their faces. “Is it really that bad?” Marissa asks softly.
I nod. “It definitely is. She says that the hospital program is helping, but her friend just committed suicide, and it’s impacted her deeply.”
“I wish there was more that we could do,” Ella says.
“You are all helping with the Tribute,” I say. “That’s huge. The amount of money that it’s going to bring in for the hospital will help immensely. You have no idea how much they will be able to use it.”
Violet reaches across the sofa and squeezes my hand. “It’s the least we can do. We know how important it is to have programs like this in our community.”
“Joe has been a huge help,” I say without thinking. The words just decided to leave my mouth like they were nothing. I can feel myself flush immediately.
I can see the glances that are exchanged, and my face gets hotter. I’m not sure what is going on with me. This plus the other things recently, like thinking about the crush I had on Joe as a little kid, and those few encounters with him that were more than just typical interactions, are throwing me for a loop. Is it possible that I might still have feelings for Joe?
“Is it?” I say out loud. “Is it possible that I have feelings for Joe?”
“Yes!” comes the resounding chorus from my friends.
I stare at them, amazed. “You all knew that I had feelings for Joe, and you didn’t tell me?”
“We thought you just didn’t want to talk about it,” Marissa says.
“Yeah,” Addie agrees. “We know how sensitive these things can be.”
“We’ve all been there,” Kaylee adds. “It feels like no one else could ever understand what you’re going through.”
“But we’re always here for each other,” Ella says. “So we should just share when we get together. It would make everything a lot simpler.”
We all laugh. “I think we need more snacks,” Violet says. “Kaylee, come help me.”
Once they’ve gone off, we lapse into silence again. I’m trying to find the words to explain how I feel about Joe, and how hopeless I feel about the situation at the same time. I mean, he’s practically dating my sister. Is it mean of me to say that I don’t think she deserves him? She’s too self-centered. She wants a man who is going to inflate her ego, not be her equal. In Little Women , Maia would be Jo in the birth order, but they could not be farther from the same kind of person.
“I think I’m in love with Joe,” I say slowly. It sounds strange to say the words out loud, like someone else is saying them. But I also like the way they sound.
“I want to say, duh,” Addie says. “But that feels a little childish. It’s been pretty obvious.”
“How could you tell, though?” I ask. “I’m genuinely curious, because I feel like I just realized it myself. I mean, truth be told, I had a heart-throb crush on him from the moment I met him, back when I was a kid. But…well, I was just a kid! And I never thought he’d ever see me as anything else, especially being further apart in age.”
“How did we know? Well… it’s in the way you’ve always talked about him,” Ella says.
“And the way you describe your fights with him,” Marissa adds.
“It all just tells a complete story,” Addie finishes. “You’ve been wrestling with your feelings for him for a really long time. Now that he’s back, it just kind of seems like you’ve decided to give in to them…right? Or… maybe more like you’ve been trying to avoid and deny how you feel, but you just can’t keep it bottled inside anymore?”
I can’t believe that I didn’t recognize any of this, but now that I’m hearing it, I have to admit that it all makes sense. Even just little things like how excited I was that Joe took my name suggestion for his dog. Gidget is the perfect name for her, though. Anyone could see that.
I’ve been so focused on the fact that he thinks he’s still in love with Maia, that I couldn’t see my own feelings for him. But I’m done with that now. I’m done ignoring how I feel for the sake of other people. I can’t make Joe love me back, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love him.
“Ugh,” I groan, “what am I going to do? He’s completely in love with Maia.”
“Are you sure about that?” Ella asks. “It seems like he might have feelings for you, too.”
I roll my eyes. “They went on a date the other night.”
“So what?” Addie says. “Lots of people go on dates, and it never leads to anything. He’s been working hard with you on the Tribute. No one is forcing him to spend all his time with you.”
“And didn’t you say that he’s going to let you teach him how to paint?” Marissa says.
I bite my lip, trying not to let myself feel too hopeful over any of it. Are my friends right? Is it possible that Joe has been spending time with me because he has feelings for me, too? I’m torn between wanting to give into the hope that their words have inspired in me, and the reality that they are probably wrong.
Even if they are wrong, though, what does it hurt to tell Joe how I feel? My feelings might be crushed if he rejects me, but what if there is the smallest chance that he feels the same way? I have to find out, and I might know just the right time: at the Tribute, tomorrow night.