8. “IT ALL KEEPS ADDING UP. I THINK I’M CRACKING UP.” #2
That was the part she dreaded most. If he was mean to her, she could keep a safe emotional distance. It was the thoughtfulness that muddled the waters.
The aspirin and the note were only the beginning. There had been little acts of kindness since, each one making it harder to keep a handle on the meaninglessness of their affair.
The day of his father’s funeral, when she caught him fighting back tears all alone in the crowded room…
It was the first time she didn’t have the heart to pick on him.
On the contrary, she wanted to protect him, take his pain away, and get that sad look off his face.
And he let her, goddamn him, which confused things even more.
“We can’t do this, Soren. One of us will end up hurt.”
“You won’t hurt me.”
She wasn’t worried about him. He was resilient and strong. Lowering her gaze, she said, “It won’t last.”
“Us being nice to each other? No, probably not. We get off on being at each other’s throats too much. But it might be nice to take a break from all the hostility for a change.”
He reached into her lap and pried her hands apart, keeping hold of one under the table so he could rub his thumb along hers.
“Joce, all I’m asking for is a temporary truce. If that feels like too much, we can schedule weekly screaming matches and fight until we fuck.”
She laughed, despite her reluctance. When she didn’t pull her hand away, he gave her another victorious grin.
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t look so cocky. I haven’t agreed to anything yet.”
“Yes, you have. I know that look. It’s the same one you make when you let me in.”
Did he really know her that well? And if he did, did he truly want her or the challenge that came with her?
He saw her as a puzzle, a plot twist in his well-ordered life, a thriller, a side quest. What he didn’t realize was that knowing her more often led to loving her less.
“I won’t change, Soren. With me, you get what you get.”
“After two decades, Joce, I think I have a pretty good idea of who you are.”
Two decades of arguing, pushing each other’s buttons, and irritating the hell out of one another.
“I won’t change.”
“I didn’t ask you to.”
Soren had always liked control. Even as a kid. In group projects, he had to take the lead. In sports, he was always the captain. With her, that sort of unquestioned authority didn’t fly.
His entitlement and the assumption that he was the absolute best choice for every job infuriated her. They both had oversized egos, and when they collided in even the smallest disagreement, the results were atomic.
“Tell me what you’re thinking?” He gave her hand a slight squeeze.
“I’m thinking that I know us too. I know how you get. Take my annoyance out of it. I know how you think, how you work. I know that you like to go at things head-on.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“It’s a destructive thing.”
“Gotta break a few eggs to make a cake.”
“You’ve never baked in your life.”
“Not true.” He smiled. “My mom used to bake with us.”
She’d only met Sable Hawthorne a few times, but she’d never been more than background to Jocelyn. Someone who occasionally showed up at school to chaperone events, and once in a while at Wren’s house.
Sable and Wren’s mother, Haven, had been inseparable best friends, yet they could not have been more different. Wren’s mother was a willowy creature who communed with nature and moved like the wind, natural and in harmony with the seasons and the earth. She’d been a light in every room she entered.
Sable was a darker presence, with her ebony hair, fine clothes, and heavy jewels. The first time Jocelyn saw her, she thought she was a famous celebrity. Unlike Haven, who moved with the natural currents around her, Sable seemed to cut through tides. Crowds parted for her.
And there was a lot of her presence left in Soren.
All of the Hawthorne brothers probably had traits of their mother embedded in their souls. But Soren was the one who carried her commanding presence. People moved out of his way like the Red Sea parted for Moses, giving him an unobstructed path to take whatever he wanted without friction.
Jocelyn was friction.
She questioned and pushed back. Conflict built character. So when he assumed he could take whatever he wanted, she refused him. Some twisted part of her believed everyone needed a little resistance in life. And no one should move with absolute impunity.
Soren’s entitlement could be unbearable at times. He lived a charmed life of privilege, where he seldom heard the word “no”.
As a child, she’d recognized this character flaw before she could name it. It awakened an urge to needle him, and she spent the next twenty years bursting his pampered little bubble whenever she spotted a vulnerability.
She sighed. “We’ve been lucky.”
“What do you mean?”
“For all the fights, we can still tolerate each other. Wren’s having a baby, Soren. She and Greyson, they’re really doing this. I mean, they’re married. That’s not going away.”
“I don’t follow. What’s that got to do with us?”
“Don’t you see? They all stomach our bickering, but there’s a limit. You’re asking for too much. And when it backfires—which it will—where will we be? He’s your brother, and she’s my best friend.”
“Wren’s my best friend, too.”
She gave him a sardonic look as if to say, don’t even. “We live in a small town, Soren. People will take sides when things go south.”
“Who says they have to go south?”
“History. You and I both know how this will end. You need to think about the cost. Do you know how rare it is to stay as tightly woven as the five of us have?”
“I’ve thought about that—”
“Not enough.”
“You’re wrong, Joce. I thought about it plenty. It consumed me after that first time we slept together. I thought we broke something irreparable, and the others would find out and never forgive us. Then it happened again. And again. And eventually, I realized everything was fine.”
“That’s because it was a secret. Do you remember when Greyson threw that big party at your dad’s during his senior year and someone broke that vase in the hall?”
He chuckled. “The Ming dynasty one? Yeah, I remember.”
“Grey flipped out.”
“For no reason. No one ever realized the vase shattered.”
“That’s because we swept the broken pieces into a drawer. We’ve been living in a drawer, Soren. The consequences haven’t even begun to surface.”
He looked off in the distance as if recalling moments from the past. “It was still one of the best parties. I’d do it all over again.”
“You’re missing the point. A priceless vase was destroyed!”
He laughed at her frustration. “For a priceless experience. I’d say that’s worth it.”
“See, this is what I mean. You’re the most bullheaded man I know.”
“And you’re the most prickly woman I know.”
“Damnit, Soren, try to understand what I’m saying.
I won’t change. Every man I’ve dated has tried to convert me into something I’m not.
I like my freedom, and I have no interest in making myself quieter or softer or more refined to complement someone else’s life. I’m single by design, not consequence.”
“Have I asked you to change?”
She gave him a flat stare. “You don’t ask for anything. You command, and you’ve tried to order me around plenty.”
He snickered. “You like being ordered around.”
She smacked his arm. “That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”
“Jocelyn, listen to me. You’re predicting things that haven’t happened yet, and finding me guilty for crimes I’ve yet to commit. I have no intention of changing you. Why would I?”
“Because I don’t fit your life. I don’t perform.”
“Good. There are enough fake women out there.”
“You say that now, but what happens when you have some fancy event to attend, and you need a date who silently holds her designer clutch and poses as arm candy all night, laughing softly at misogynistic jokes that are only funny at the disenfranchised expense of others? I wouldn’t be able to stomach that.
On the contrary, I’d probably end up telling off one of your stuffy colleagues and ruining all possibilities of future business deals. ”
He didn’t deny it, because he knew more than anyone how short her fuse could be.
Even today, when Olivia approached her. She should have just walked away, but she couldn’t. That prissy bitch had shown her claws, and Jocelyn bit back.
Maybe there was something broken inside of her.
Or maybe it came from years of protecting herself when no one else came to save her.
Whatever the cause, to the battlefield of lost boyfriends and her agent’s dismay, she was beyond refinement or PR training.
And Soren Hawthorne’s life took center stage in a very public light.
“Look, I’ve spent years dating women who can hold a smile through the most pretentious affairs.
They play the role perfectly. They know the script, and yes, it makes some situations easier, but it’s all performative, an act they’ve mastered, so when they do compliment me, I have no idea if it’s genuine.
With you, I never know what might come out of your mouth, but I know it’s real and unrehearsed, Joce. ”
She didn’t deny it. She always told it like it was, sugar coating nothing to protect his ego.
“After months of buckling down and dating women who appear perfect on paper, I lost more sleep over the one woman who fits none of my criteria.”
She hated how her heart fluttered at the vision of him losing sleep over her. She’d never even seen his bedroom, but the thought of him sitting up at night, thinking of her under some high-thread-count linen sheets while she slept soundly…it did something to her.
“I think it’s time we stop fighting the inevitable, Joce. Sometimes, it’s not a numbers game, and you have to go with your gut and trust your instincts above all else.”