Chapter 33
JOY
The wine was perfectly chilled, the cheese board artfully arranged, and the gingerbread men were lined up like little edible soldiers waiting to be decorated.
Katrina had gone all out for our girls’ night, transforming her cozy living room into the perfect setting for an evening of gossip and indulgence.
It had been too long since I got to hang out with a girlfriend. I didn’t really have friends in New York. There were a few women I went out to the clubs with, but none that I could put on a pair of sweats and chat with.
It was just another part of life I had been missing out on. When I left Calton Hill, I left so much behind.
“Okay,” she said, settling cross-legged on the floor beside the coffee table laden with our supplies. “I’ve got icing in four colors, enough sprinkles to decorate a parade float, and two bottles of wine that are definitely beckoning to us.”
I laughed, already feeling the warm buzz of relaxation that came with good company and the promise of an evening without responsibilities. “This is exactly what I needed. Between the festival planning and everything else, I feel like I haven’t had a chance to just breathe.”
“Well, tonight we breathe,” Katrina declared, raising her wine glass in a mock toast. “And eat sugar. And talk shit about anybody and everybody.”
“The best kind of girls’ night,” I agreed, clinking my glass against hers.
We dove into the gingerbread decorating. The cookies were going to be for the guys at the firehouse. I piped tiny buttons down the front of my cookie’s vest while Katrina created an elaborate bow tie on hers.
“Remember when we used to do this at your grandmother’s house?” Katrina asked, her tongue poking out slightly as she concentrated on getting the bow tie perfectly symmetrical. “She always let us eat half the decorating supplies before we even started on the cookies.”
“Grandma Murphy believed in the healing properties of sugar,” I said with a smile. “She said a little sweetness could cure most of life’s problems.”
“Smart woman. I still miss her, you know. The whole town does.”
“She would have loved seeing the festival come together.”
“Speaking of which,” Katrina said, reaching for another gingerbread man. “How are you feeling about the festival? Nervous? Excited? Ready to run screaming into the night?”
“All of the above,” I admitted. “But mostly excited. I think it’s going to be something really special.”
I sipped my wine and let the warmth spread through me. She had put on some holiday music. Not the old school Elvis and Bing, but the newer stuff. Kelly Clarkson was singing about being dressed in red or something. I liked it, but I would pick Elvis over Mariah any day of the week.
“So, how did you like living in New York? We didn’t talk much after you left.”
I winced. It wasn’t an accusation, but I heard the hurt undertones.
“It was okay,” I said.
“It must have been quite an adjustment after growing up here.”
I considered the question while adding tiny dots of icing for eyes to my gingerbread man. How did I explain the complexity of my relationship with city life? The way it had both exhilarated and exhausted me in equal measure?
“I liked that there was always so much to do,” I said. “Museums, theaters, restaurants, concerts—you could spend every night for a year experiencing something new and still barely scratch the surface. And that was just in my little corner of the city.”
“And the downsides?” Katrina prompted, clearly hearing the qualification in my voice.
“Everything felt so rushed. So urgent and immediate and demanding of your attention every second.” I set down my decorating bag and reached for my wine glass.
“So many people everywhere, all the time, which was great until you wanted some peace and quiet and alone time. And if you can’t tune out the chaos, it becomes a part of you.
Even going to Central Park you were surrounded by people. There was never any true peace.”
Katrina nodded thoughtfully. “That sounds overwhelming.”
“It could be. I think I spent so much energy just managing the noise and the pace and the constant stimulation that I forgot what it felt like to really relax.” I gestured around her cozy living room, with its soft lighting and comfortable furniture and the complete absence of sirens or traffic or the sound of eight million people going about their lives.
“The peace and warmth and community of Calton Hill… I didn’t know I wanted those things until I was back. ”
“And now?”
“Now I’m wondering how I survived without them for so long.”
Katrina was quiet for a moment, focusing intently on creating what appeared to be a tiny gingerbread mustache. That or a snaggletooth. “Are you going to stay?” she asked without looking up. “Or is this just a temporary break from your real life?”
The question I’d been avoiding, asked by someone who had every right to an honest answer. Katrina was my friend, but she was also Cooper’s sister. I could see the protective concern in her careful tone.
“I don’t know about forever,” I said honestly. “But the mayor did offer me a position with the city—event coordinator for the tourism department. If I get it, I’ll be sticking around for a while at least.”
Katrina’s head snapped up, her eyes bright with interest. “Really? You didn’t mention that before.”
“I wasn’t sure I should get anyone’s hopes up, including my own. I have to get through the Yuletide Festival before any official decisions are made, but so far, so good. Cooper knows about it.”
I felt like I needed to make sure she knew I wasn’t keeping anything from Cooper. It did feel strange, like making it real by saying it out loud.
“That’s fantastic, Joy. Really. The tourism department could use someone with your vision and energy.” Katrina’s smile was genuine, but she had a look on her face like relief mixed with concern.
We returned to our decorating, but I could feel the weight of unasked questions hanging between us. Finally, Katrina set down her icing bag and looked at me directly.
“Joy, I have to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me.”
My stomach tightened. “Okay.”
“Are you going to hurt my brother?”
The question was asked gently, but there was steel underneath the soft tone. This was Katrina the protective twin who’d probably been looking out for Cooper since they were in the womb.
“Not intentionally,” I said. “God, Katrina, I would never intentionally hurt Cooper. I’ve always cared about him.”
“As a brother? As the brother of your friend? Or something more?”
I took a deep breath. “Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe all of the options. I would never intentionally hurt him. I would never hurt anyone, but especially not him.”
“I believe that. But intentions and outcomes don’t always match up, especially when hearts are involved.
” She paused, seeming to choose her words carefully.
“Cooper’s fragile, in ways most people don’t see.
Not like he’s a hot mess and he’s obviously not fragile in the physical sense, but he’s in a rough spot.
He still hasn’t gotten over the jilting. ”
The confirmation of what I’d suspected made my stomach drop. I had seen the shadows in Cooper’s eyes, the careful way he approached emotional intimacy, but hearing it stated so bluntly made it real in a way that was hard to ignore.
“He’s still in love with her?” I asked, my voice smaller than I preferred. I didn’t want to sound weak or needy.
“No, I don’t think it’s love anymore,” Katrina said carefully.
“But the damage she did? That’s still there.
She didn’t just break up with him, Joy. She convinced him that his love was too much, that his caring was suffocating, that everything he thought he knew about being in a relationship was wrong.
She made him question everything about himself.
Somehow, she made him feel damaged. Like he loved her wrong. ”
My chest ached thinking about Cooper’s heartache.
“Wouldn’t he have moved on by now if she didn’t mean anything to him?” I asked, voicing the fear that had been growing in the back of my mind.
“That’s not how trauma works,” Katrina said. “It’s not about still loving the person who hurt you. It’s about learning to trust your own heart again when someone you trusted completely used that trust to tear you apart.”
The explanation made horrible sense. Cooper’s caution I understood. But his surprise when I appreciated his thoughtful gestures had been different. He seemed to expect rejection or criticism.
“I’m already in too deep,” I whispered, the admission escaping before I could stop it.
Katrina’s expression softened. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t know where I’ll end up in life, what job I’ll take, or what city I’ll live in or what my future looks like. But I know I want Cooper at my side through all of it. I want him holding me and supporting me and making me feel complete.”
I just admitted to my maybe-boyfriend’s sister that I was falling in love with him, possibly had already fallen completely.
“Oh, honey,” Katrina said, reaching across the coffee table to squeeze my hand. “You’ve got it bad.”
“I do,” I agreed with a shaky laugh. “I really, really do.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you’re good for him. I think you see the real Cooper, not just the careful persona he shows most people. Just be patient with him, okay? And be honest about what you want. He can’t handle games or uncertainty right now.”
I nodded, understanding the responsibility she was placing on me. Cooper’s heart had been broken badly enough that putting it back together was going to require patience and honesty and probably more courage than either of us possessed.
“I never got a chance to smack Lynn for what she did,” Katrina said suddenly, her voice taking on a darker edge.
“The coward ran off to Salt Lake City or wherever before I could tell her exactly what I thought of her. I’d love to throat punch the bitch.
If I ever see her again, I’m gonna get that ho ho ho. ”
“Ho ho ho?”
“It’s December. I’m keeping my insults seasonally appropriate.” Katrina’s grin was fierce and protective and absolutely believable. “But seriously, she’s lucky she left town before I could get my hands on her.”
“Remind me never to get on your bad side,” I said, still laughing.
“As long as you don’t hurt my brother, we’ll never have a problem.”
The warning was delivered with a smile, but I didn’t doubt that Katrina meant every word. Cooper was lucky to have a sister who loved him that fiercely.
“I won’t hurt him,” I said again, meaning it with everything I had. “I can’t promise that things will work out the way we want them to, but I can promise that I’ll be honest with him about what I’m feeling and what I want.”
“That’s all I can ask for,” Katrina said, apparently satisfied with my response.
“For what it’s worth, you’ll have to get in line,” I said before taking a sip of my wine.
“What?”
“If I ever see Lynn again, I’ll be the one delivering a kick to her shins and then maybe a shove. I’m not sure I know how to throat punch someone, but I imagine in the heat of the moment I’ll figure something out.”
Katrina grinned. “Good.”