Chapter 18
The Quiet Between Calls
Autumn
Now, I got up in the morning sun. I hadn’t set my alarm in a few weeks. I was staying committed to reading my Bible in the early hours. I spent my time between checking in with the dispatch, and between watching for smoke and signs of fire, reading the Word. Visiting with God. Seeking Him. Praying.
Another thing I was exploring was the idea of heights.
The stairs had scared me silly every time I’d used them.
But once I was inside, or at the bottom, I felt good.
Safe to explore. So, I’d also been trying a bit of hiking around on the ground.
Picking up pretty rocks that sparkled in the sun.
Mostly, just waltzing around the ground of my tower, always staying within a few dozen yards of it.
Inside, my hobbies had evolved as well. I liked to open the windows and listen to bird songs, while looking up the names, when I caught a glimpse of them, in a bird identifying book that someone had left on the shelf. Learning how to be content with just myself, and God.
The impact it had on my life couldn’t be summarized easily, but the biggest hurdle I’d overcome was letting go of those past hurts.
Jesus had traded my pain for peace. Being up here in the peace, the quiet, the solitude—I was overlooking His creation, without the noise of anything else around me getting in the way.
Day in, day out, I’d only conversed with Stephanie.
Up until Don drove me to the grocery store, I'd only chatted with other women, and that was nice while I was still in my deep river of hurt. Now that I was afloat again, swimming on my own, I supposed I wouldn’t mind speaking to a guy again.
But then again, up here, it was unlikely to happen.
I actually laughed at the idea of how I would converse with a man.
Besides, I was relying on God to write the next chapter of my love life, if there was one to begin with.
Only He knew that. But thank the Lord, today, on the day I was to wed Ray, I felt over it.
Past the hurt. Forgiving of the pain. There were many reasons why Ray and I were not a good match, and I didn’t want to dwell on those reasons, but something else, too.
My parents. They were so enthusiastic about him, that I thought I felt more interested in him than I really was.
Ray was not a saint. But I wanted to believe he was the perfect man, and most importantly, the perfect man for me, because it was a lot more fun that way.
Everyone around me acted like I was getting the best outcome possible but looking back, they didn’t know what I wanted.
They didn’t know what he wanted. Ray was handsome in his own way, very book smart but had no sense of my feelings.
No emotional intelligence for those around him.
His social cues were lacking. He had manners all day long, but I had long felt the red flags for what life with him would be like.
If it was anything like our engagement and wedding planning, I was in for a lonely existence.
It couldn’t have been later than six in the morning when I was making my batch of coffee.
I bought a nice, hearty dark roast that I found at SuperCub foods when Don took me a few days ago.
The kind where you grind them right there in the aisle, and they go into the brown bag.
Aromas filling up the aisles for days. I was already hooked; it was the best coffee I’d ever had, and when I left here again, I planned on stocking up.
My thoughts returned to my brief outing to SuperCub foods. I’d been so preoccupied with getting my supplies and my run-in with my cousin Becky that I’d not even remembered to check my phone for messages. But let’s be honest; If anyone had wanted to get a hold of me, they could have, right?
Surely, my parents could call the Maple Haven Fire District and through a series of questions and answers, they could be transferred to dispatch.
They could be placed on hold while Stephanie verified this was someone she should definitely alert me about.
She would. at the very least, pass on a message.
But suddenly, the thoughts of not checking my phone for even the slightest message started to give me anxiety.
What if I hadn’t heard from them because there was that big of an emergency?
Maybe they had still put on one of the pre-wedding events without me there so they could group together and commiserate how they were all missing out on having a doctor in the family when suddenly, one of those giant sinkholes opened up in the ground and swallowed their entire house with everyone I’d ever met inside.
I started to wonder about the likelihood of something like that happening—the sinkhole, not the party—because let’s face it: they would do that.
Lord, forgive me for even imagining that.
Forgive me for the faintest desire of something like that happening so I wouldn’t ever have to face them again.
After struggling with feelings that I didn’t enjoy, I realized I was ready to forgive my parents, too.
It wasn’t just Ray who had hurt me. My parents and I had never had the greatest relationship, despite my wanting that.
They just weren’t the kinds of parents you could get close to.
I decided to use my satellite phone, the one I assumed was for emergencies only, and make a quick call.
Since it was still early, I knew they’d still be home, not out mourning my wedding day at the site.
I stepped out on the deck, feeling the cool air run through my hair. I wondered if they would remember that today was the day of my bridal shower as I dialed the numbers. I wondered if they had reached out to me.
“Hello?” My dad’s voice made my heart jump. It wasn’t as clear of a connection as I’d wished the satellite phone would give, but I kept the heavy antenna pointed upward and hoped for the best.
“Hi, Dad. It’s Autumn,” I said, emotions coming up my throat for no reason. He paused, like the connection was delayed. It very well could have been for all I knew. This was my first ever call on a satellite phone.
“Autumn!” His voice was full of wonder and joy. “Well, how are you? How is it? Are you enjoying your new job?”
“Yes, Dad. I really am. I love it up here. I’m calling you from the satellite phone, so write down this number if you need to reach me, as I don’t check my cell phone anymore.” A decision I didn’t know I had made until just now, but it was a very freeing choice at that.
“Will do. Say, your mother wants to say hi. Here she is.” There was a little chatter in the background, but with the noise of the satellite phone, I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
“I hear you saw Becky.” My mom came on the line, dropping that anvil and killing my spirit immediately.
“Sure did,” I said, hoping that would suffice. It didn’t.
“She’s getting married to an EMT. Looks like we will have a doctor in the family after all.” I almost laughed out loud.
“You know that EMTs are not doctors, right?” Here we go, Lord.
Please keep my mouth shut if there's a chance I’m going to disrespect these people, even though…
I struggled with my own desires in prayer as just a few seconds of talking with my mother made me want to chuck the phone right over the railing.
“Close enough.” Her words were defiant and at this point, I realized I had to walk away.
Conversing with her was just pulling me into sin.
It was pulling me into a cycle of hateful thoughts, hateful words…
She was never going to be the person I wanted her to be.
My dad was a little softer, and I could still have a relationship with him to some degree.
But unless my mother’s personality did a 360 degree turn, I couldn’t see how this was conducive.
“Well, I’ll let you go celebrate your future nephew-in-law. I better get back to work. Have a great day!” And with that, I ended the call. It wasn’t my best work, but it wasn’t my worst, either.
It took two to tango, and I’d had some blowout fights with my parents over the years where I’d said some terrible things in response to the terrible things they’d said to me. I didn’t want to stoop to that level ever again.
As I leaned on the railing, I did consider chucking the phone right off of it.
I even pulled my arm back as far as it would go and did a few test throws to imagine how far it would go.
But then, I remembered this phone wasn’t mine.
I could throw mine off the side. I should have thrown mine out, really.
This phone, however, probably was very expensive and was outside of my right to use for personal matters and dispose of, so I carefully walked it back inside and set it on its charger, repositioning the antenna so it pointed to the skylight above it.
Even inside, it connected and had service, which was reassuring.
It was almost time for my morning check-in, but I needed a few minutes to myself before I could get my mind back in work mode. Before I could clear the slate of the conversation I’d just had.
After truly giving everything surrounding the relationship with my parents to God, I went down to my sun shower and bathed, feeling the rising sun on my face.
There was a heat in the air already, and the water was as warm as it had been the whole time I’d been here.
I felt refreshed. I felt at peace with the situation.
Back in the lookout, I had one more thing I wanted to do.
In my luggage, I pulled out the ring from my zippered compartment.
The ring that Ray gave me, that for some reason, I wanted to have up here with me.
I examined it again, as if seeing it for the first time.
It was a very plain solitaire ring with a not-so brilliant diamond inside.
A humble ring, which I had no qualms with whatsoever, as I never was huge into diamonds.
I always pictured getting a gemstone ring, actually.
Ring in hand, I went out to the porch of the lookout.
Gulping in the fresh air, I let the last of my tears wring out from my eyes over this broken promise.
I thanked God for letting me see who Ray was before anything further happened.
Before we married. And with that, I flung the ring out into the wilderness, as far as I could throw it.
*****
It was time for my morning check-in. But when I called in, a guy answered. I was so surprised to hear a masculine voice on the other end of the radio that I felt my cheeks redden. There was something about his voice that sounded... younger. Cute? My intrigue spiked immediately.
We didn’t say much of anything, and it was all professional as I gave my mandatory report.
But I held onto the radio for longer than I should have, half expecting him to come back on the line and ask me something else.
If there really was nothing on the horizon.
If the skies were blue. If the storms were at bay.
A few hours later, just as I was about to make a small lunch consisting of crackers and canned goods, my radio made a clicking noise.
As if someone was trying to call me. I hadn’t heard that before, so I figured it was best to do a radio check.
The male voice on the other line again caught me off guard, considering I’d only been speaking to women.
Just the other day, I joked with the Lord how I was ready to speak to another guy in a non-romantic way, and now, I had my chance.
And, this time, he seemed a little more relaxed and able to talk.
Quickly, I found myself caught up in a short conversation about Stephanie as I daydreamed about her life surrounded by horses of all kinds and ages.
I had told the man on the other end of the line how much I enjoyed colts and fillies, because there was nothing cuter than a baby horse, when Kerry abruptly came on the line.
I felt like I’d just gotten into trouble at school.
Like maybe tying up the line wasn’t as welcome now that I’d been here for more than a few weeks.
Maybe when Kerry, the boss, was around, I shouldn’t be going on and on about idle things.
We quickly ended the call, but not before she asked if Blaze had gotten me sorted.
What sort of name was Blaze? Was that a nickname, I wondered? It sure suited the job, however. Fire dispatch with a name like that? I found myself feeling a little intrigued, before also giving it to God.
*****
As the evening rolled in, there was no sign of fire or smoke in any of my surrounding views.
The skies were clear, with little chance of lightning storms, it seemed as well.
For all intents and purposes, it was time to call into dispatch for my regular check-in.
My hand hovered on the button, wanting to keep things professional, as I never knew who was listening in. I wanted to keep this job, after all.
“Tower Three to Dispatch,” I said, calmly, but with a noticeable shrill to my voice. The smooth masculine tones came back a few seconds later.
“Dispatch to Tower Three, go ahead.”
“Evening report—no visible signs of smoke or fire anywhere, copy.”
“Thanks, Autumn.” My heart stood still when this guy—Blaze—said my name.
I liked the sound of it coming out of his mouth.
This was crazy! Lord, please keep my mind in check.
I literally know nothing about this guy, and it’s pretty apparent that I’m majorly on the rebound!
I set the radio back on its hook and paced around for a few minutes, feeling rattled.