Chapter 2
The alarm clock went off at six thirty, but Jenna was already awake. She’d been awake most of the night, despite her best efforts to sleep, her ears straining for the sound of a car pulling up, of the key in the front door.
If Joel had returned during the snatched moments of sleep, he hadn’t come up to bed. The pillow beside her was unflattened, the sheet cold.
Fighting nausea and exhaustion, she forced herself to get out of bed and start the day. She didn’t have the luxury of hanging around. She had work, and the girls had school. She needed a shower to wake herself up properly, but first a quick glance at the phone.
There was nothing. No apology. No explanation.
Jenna hurled the phone onto the bed and hurried to the bathroom.
At seven o’clock, dressed and made up, she trudged downstairs and made herself a quick cup of instant coffee. She didn’t bother with her usual toast and marmalade. Her stomach was a knot of anxiety, and she felt as if she’d throw up if she even attempted to eat.
After drinking the coffee, while standing by the living room window staring out into the street, her ears alert for any sound of an approaching car, Jenna gave up and shouted upstairs to the twins, before making their breakfast.
They happily tucked into boiled eggs and toasted soldiers, followed by a bowl of Weetabix each.
They were always ‘starving’ and Jenna liked to send them off to school with full tummies.
As a teacher, she’d seen too many children arrive for their lessons hungry and tired, and it broke her heart.
She always donated to the food bank and bought a couple of extra items for the collection box at the supermarket, but it never felt like enough.
‘Has Daddy already gone to work?’ Ada asked, her grey eyes wide with surprise. ‘We haven’t even seen him.’
‘What’s new?’ Hallie said, tutting. She gave an unconcerned shrug and spooned the last of the Weetabix into her mouth.
‘He had an early start,’ Jenna said, hating herself for lying to them but desperate to protect them. She didn’t want them to go to school worrying about their father’s whereabouts. ‘He said goodbye, though, and that he loves you very much.’
The twins exchanged glances but said nothing.
Jenna sat down at the table and gave them a warm smile. ‘So, are you excited? Last week of term. Just think, five more days and we’ll all be free!’
That did the trick. Joel was completely forgotten as the girls burst forth with ideas for what they planned to do during the holidays.
Or rather, what they hoped she would do during the holidays.
They wanted her to take them swimming, they wanted her to make picnics, they wanted her to take them to the seaside…
‘Yes, well, let’s see what happens, shall we?
’ she suggested, trying to sound excited, too, so as not to put a dampener on their enthusiasm.
A nagging sense of doom tugged at her, and she couldn’t help feeling that the summer holidays would turn out to be far less pleasant than her daughters were hoping.
She glanced at the clock and gave a yelp. ‘Right, you two! Teeth cleaned please, then we need to go. I’ve got your packed lunches ready in your schoolbags. We’ve got five minutes, so jump to it.’
Jenna sacrificed her mid-morning coffee in the staffroom to find a spot in an empty classroom so she could ring Joel.
All morning she’d struggled to focus on her work, and she knew she couldn’t last all day without at least trying to find out what the hell her husband thought he was playing at.
She’d called him on the way to work, even though she’d sworn she wouldn’t.
Having dropped the twins at primary school, she’d pulled over at the first convenient place and connected the call, but the phone just continued ringing until the voicemail message began.
He wasn’t going to pick up so she didn’t leave a message.
Now, with her stomach spinning like a waltzer, she tried again. The same constant ringing. The voicemail message, formal and professional.
‘Hi, this is Joel Trent. Sorry I can’t take your call at the moment but if you leave your name and number, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.’
She opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out.
Frustrated, she ended the call, then wrapped her arms around her waist for comfort as she stared out of the classroom window.
Outside, the children were enjoying their break.
Not that some of them seemed like children any more.
Many of them were teenagers. Some of them were taller than she was.
A few of the boys had already started shaving.
She watched them with a wistful realisation that she hadn’t been much older than they were when she’d met Joel.
He’d been her first boyfriend. They’d been fifteen years old and met at a local youth club.
It had been love at first sight for her, and she’d thought he felt the same until she discovered he was actually going out with a girl in his class.
By that time, he’d been secretly dating Jenna for three months.
She should have known then what lay ahead of her, but she’d been besotted, and when his girlfriend found out about her and there’d been a mighty row, Jenna’s only thought was relief and excitement that he’d dumped the girl and chosen her.
Even when she went to university, she and Joel had called each other every day and spent all the holidays together.
She’d heard whispers about him whenever she’d come home but chose to ignore them.
Her so-called friends were just jealous.
That’s what she’d told herself. Well, it was what Joel had told her, and she’d so wanted to believe him.
He was her first and only lover. She didn’t know how to exist without him.
Maybe, she thought now, this was her punishment.
After all, she’d been ‘the other woman’ when she’d met Joel.
All right, she’d only been fifteen. And of course she hadn’t known about the other girl.
Even so, she hadn’t felt bad when Joel had chosen her over her rival when the truth had come out.
She’d been elated. He’d made her feel special.
Looking back, she realised the other girl must have been really hurt.
Perhaps Jenna deserved to be punished for it.
Well, she’d certainly been punished, all right.
Joel had first cheated on her just before they got married.
She’d been devastated. Sick to her stomach.
Heartbroken. Joel had sworn it was just pre-wedding nerves that had made him go off the rails, and he’d never do it again. She’d wanted so badly to believe him…
But then, when she was expecting the twins, it had happened again.
And this time it wasn’t just an affair. Joel had actually packed his bags and left.
She’d almost broken down completely. Sometimes, when she remembered those dark days, she wondered what would have happened if she hadn’t been pregnant, with two other lives to think about.
She’d barely been able to put one foot in front of the other the whole time he was away.
The affair hadn’t lasted long. Within eight weeks, the other woman had thrown him out and Joel was back on the doorstep, suitcase in hand and a sheepish expression on his face.
‘It was panic. We’d never even talked about having kids, had we? And then when we found out it was twins, I just got scared. It didn’t mean anything, babe. I love you.’
No apology, though. But Jenna, overwhelmed with relief that she wasn’t going to have to deliver two babies and bring them up alone, welcomed him home just the same.
She never told her mum. Somehow, she’d kept it together, desperate to keep the truth about her relationship from her.
Her dad, she knew, had never liked Joel and she didn’t want her mum to think that he’d been right after all.
But it was hard. She was still grieving for her dad and reeling from an unexpected pregnancy and the shock of two babies on the way, rather than one.
To this day, Jenna wasn’t sure how she’d got through it all.
It was no wonder she’d succumbed to postnatal depression.
Her mum had been brilliant and had stepped in to help her out with the twins as much as she could.
Jenna supposed that was when the pattern had been set.
She’d needed her mum to take the babies because Jenna’s own mind was a maelstrom of terrifying thoughts – heartbreak, confusion, suspicion and self-loathing.
She’d never trusted Joel after that, no matter how hard she tried to. To be fair, his behaviour hadn’t helped. She suspected – though she had no proof – that he’d been unfaithful multiple times since then. But he’d never left her again. Unless that’s what he’d done now.
She turned away from the window and stared at her phone.
He wouldn’t. He couldn’t have, could he?
Surely there’d have been an explanation.
A goodbye, at the very least. What about the girls?
Would he really do that to them? One thing to walk out on their mum when she was pregnant, but now the twins were here, part of his life. He couldn’t leave them. Could he?
Swallowing hard, she rang Joel’s direct work number.
He worked for a large IT company and was doing well there.
He had his own office, a company car, a dental plan and private health insurance.
He was very proud of how far he’d got in life without the help of a degree.
He didn’t think much to the fact that she’d got a first at university.
He always said a degree was just a piece of paper.
It was hard work that counted and he’d earned his position – the implication being that she hadn’t.
The secretary’s voice was as professional and cool as expected, though perhaps younger and more northern than Jenna had noticed last time. Jenna closed her eyes as the woman said, ‘Good morning. Mr Trent’s office. How can I help?’