Chapter 38 Aspen
Aspen
I’m in the bathroom stall at work and I’m craving the drug again, now more than ever. The alcohol isn’t enough to numb the pain. I play with the vile in my pocket and think about how this tiny piece of plastic just ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I can’t be like him.
I was going to ask her to be mine; officially, permanently, granted, I don’t have the biggest apartment, but we would make it work. I had too much of a connection with her for it to just all disappear.
Then I cry, real tears, not from withdrawal, not from shame. Just pure, aching grief for the woman who left this morning and didn’t look back.
I deserve it, and she deserves better.
There is no excuse. She knows her worth and she’s not going to waste it on a drug addict. Even though I was quitting, she didn’t know that. I know she doesn’t like her father because of it, so why would she like me?
My forehead is pressed against the stall door when my phone rings in my pocket.
I don’t look at the caller ID, but try to steady my voice before I answer the call.
“Hello?” I say as weak as I feel.
“Hey bud. What’s the matter?” I hear none other than a male voice on the other end of the phone. A voice I haven’t heard from in a while.
“Dad?” I ask confused, my voice growing stronger, edged with annoyance.
“Who else would it be?” Literally anyone. You never call, I think to myself.
“What do you want?” I ask him with a stern voice, no emotion behind it whatsoever.
“Why is it always that I want something?” He asks.
“Because that’s all you ever do,” I say flat.
“Well, I just wanted to check up on my boy, see what’s going on… and maybe ask if you could lend a couple hundred dollars. I’m short up on my rent this month,” he says.
Of course he is. But if I send him money, he still won’t use it for that, he’ll use it to buy more drugs. I’m no idiot.
“So you do want something,” I say.
“Only if you’ll help me,” he says.
I hate that he makes me feel guilty. I know exactly where that money’s going. And still, I want to help. Because I’m stupid. Or because I’m his son. Maybe both. He’s my dad after all, I can’t help that he’s a piece of shit.
I always hope that if I send him money he’ll use it for good, but he never does.
“So what’ll you say? You’ll help me?” He asks.
A pit in my stomach forms. I usually don’t have the money to help him so I’m about to tell him that, until I remember that Genevieve had Raul put the money she made in my account. So I have a little more than usual, but I was planning on using that money to take Genevieve out on a fancy date.
But now Genevieve’s gone.
So I guess I could help out my dad. It’s not like I’m going to be taking Genevieve out or anything, but I feel like an immense idiot for doing so.
I haven’t gotten paid just yet either so he will have to wait until I do get paid.
“When do you need the money?” I ask him.
“Tomorrow,” he says.
Shit. I don’t get paid until Friday, but I do have extra money in my savings for emergencies. I can always give it to him from there and then put the money right back once I get paid.
“Alright, I’ll see what I can do,” I tell him.
“You’re the best Aspen. I knew you wouldn’t let your old man down,” he says, then hangs up the phone.
I remove the phone from my ear and stare at the screen. Of course that’s all he wanted. He didn’t call to ask what I was up to, how my job’s going, nothing.
He never does.
I shouldn’t complain, I expected this.
He’s always disappointing my mom, Everest, and myself.
Thank God my mom left him when she did. Even though she’s chasing men half her age, at least they treat her better than my dad ever did.
She’s getting to go on vacation after vacation with all these milf chasers she finds.
But when she was with my dad, she was in loads and loads of debt, unhappy all the time, and on the verge of becoming an alcoholic.
I’m glad he’s out of her life, but he won’t ever be out of mine. He’s my father, and I will always try to help him in any way I can.
Even if it puts me in debt.
I stare at my phone long after the call ends. He’s not the only one who needs a fix.