Chapter 22 #2
‘Of course, I did,’ I laughed. ‘I might be open to listening with equanimity to you offering me advice about where I’m getting things wrong in my life, but I could easily fall out with you over the biggest, crispiest chip in The Dragon.’
‘Fair enough,’ he laughed and pinched one from my bowl anyway. ‘But from what I can see, you haven’t got anything else wrong, have you?’
I put a protective arm around my bowl and ate a couple of the cooler chips from the top before answering.
‘Well,’ I said, having reflected, ‘I’m loving the hours I’m putting in at the Grow-Well and as a volunteer at Cavell Care.’
‘And you’re enjoying living with Rafe?’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘though I did get one thing wrong where he was concerned. I had this amazing out of the blue job offer which I soon decided I didn’t want.’
‘Why not?’ Erik asked while fanning his mouth because the chips were still hot and his hunger had made him greedy.
‘Because it was almost identical to what I was doing before,’ I explained, ‘and, as much as I loved my years at Highfell, I’ve decided I don’t want to live where I work again. It’s too intense.’
And since then, I’d also decided that I might not want to work alone either, but that wasn’t relevant to what had happened with Rafe, so I didn’t include it.
‘I think it’s every bit as valuable to know what you don’t want in life as well as what you do,’ Erik said wisely. ‘But where does your father come in?’
‘I’d printed the job details off and he found them,’ Erik winced. ‘I’d put them in the recycling bin, but it blew over and Rafe retrieved the sheet and read it.’
‘And jumped to the wrong conclusion.’
‘Yes,’ I sighed. ‘If I’d told him about the job and that I’d turned it down, he wouldn’t have been upset about me moving to Devon when I wasn’t even considering it. I should have talked to him.’
‘Or shredded the paper,’ Erik suggested sardonically.
‘Or that,’ I nodded. ‘But on reflection, I think talking to him would have been better and that’s what I’m resolved to do going forward.’
‘Well, for what it’s worth,’ Erik said, ‘given that you’ve only very recently moved in together and had to completely recali-brate your relationship as a result, I think you’re both doing brilliantly. That job situation is hardly a hiccup at all.’
Having thanked Erik for that, I fell to wondering whether in the spirit of talking openly and being transparent, I should come clean about the true impact the doorstep kiss had had on me, but I decided not to for two reasons.
Firstly, my head was muttering something about sleeping dogs and secondly, Erik then started talking about his own dad.
He hadn’t said much about him before, but from the little I’d gleaned, I’d guessed enough to assume that there was a complicated father–son relationship, so sat back and gave him my full attention.
‘If I had to live with my dad again there’d be endless hiccups,’ he said. ‘And I don’t think we’d overcome any of them.’
‘I’m sorry to hear you say that.’
‘We never used to be at loggerheads,’ he sighed. ‘Not when I was much younger.’
‘So, what changed?’
He took a moment to marshal his thoughts.
‘It’s a long story.’
‘Well, I’m not going anywhere.’
‘It goes right back to my childhood,’ he began.
‘With Dad’s encouragement, I’d already shown an aptitude for rugby before Mum died.
And when we lost her, we threw ourselves completely into it.
It gave us something to focus on other than the nightmare we were going through.
The two of us were on the same page back then. ’
‘That makes sense.’
‘Looking back,’ he continued, ‘I’m not sure it was helpful because the training schedule we devised ensured we both had something to constantly keep busy with. We didn’t allow ourselves to grieve because we never stopped long enough to let it happen.’
‘I can appreciate the appeal of wanting to block it all out though.’
‘Dad has always been my biggest cheerleader,’ Erik carried on. ‘Whatever else was going on, he was always on the touchline or in the gym with me. He’d had quite a successful career in the sport himself, so took on the role of being my coach in the early years. He worked both of us relentlessly.’
It sounded to me as though Erik’s father was the total opposite of my mother.
His dad had been hands-on and ambitious whereas my mum had shown no interest in my aspirations and left me entirely to my own devices.
Thinking about it, I wondered if a happy parenting medium would have been more beneficial to both Erik and me.
Interested and encouraging rather than completely dispassionate or totally smothering.
‘He must have been so proud to see you reach the top of your game.’
‘He was,’ Erik confirmed.
‘And as devastated as you were when you had to retire.’
‘He was,’ Erik said again. ‘But whereas I’ve accepted that it’s over and am coming to terms with it, he still can’t let it go.
Here’s me, enjoying doing something completely different while I discover who I am, for the first time in my life, without the game shaping my every second, and he’s still stubbornly clinging on to it. ’
‘You mean, he thinks you can play again?’
‘Not play,’ he said, ‘but have some sort of connection to the sport.’
‘Have you talked to him about it?’ Erik gave me a look. ‘Sorry.’
‘I’ve talked to him until I’m blue in the face,’ he said, sounding frustrated. ‘But he reckons I’m giving up too easily. That there’s more I could do.’
‘And perhaps there would be,’ I said, ‘if you wanted more, but you don’t, do you?’
‘No,’ he said, ‘I don’t want any part of it. Like you, Skylar, I know what I don’t want now and I’m taking my time to work out what I do.’
‘We really do have a lot in common, don’t we?’ I smiled.
‘We’ve certainly arrived here with similar challenges,’ he agreed. ‘And I know I can talk to the others about it, but it’s a comfort talking to someone who’s still floundering, too.’
‘Oh, thanks,’ I laughed and gave him a shove but of course, being so solid, he didn’t move an inch. ‘So, what is it that your dad’s suggesting you could do?’
‘I’m waiting to find out the current idea. I had a phone call with my agent earlier and he said Dad’s gone quiet which isn’t a good sign. If he’s quiet, he’s brewing something. Some crazy scheme that he’ll be furious with me for not wanting to go along with.’
That explained the downturn in Erik’s mood on the walk to the pub.
‘What you need is a shock tactic,’ I proposed. ‘Something to help him see the situation from your point of view. It might cause some damage in the short term but then go on to save your relationship in the long run.’
Erik took a moment to mull the idea over.
‘You might be right,’ he said. ‘I’ve probably spent far too long trying to factor in his feelings and letting him interfere. A bomb going off might be the only way to get through to him now. What do you suggest?’
We didn’t have time to cook anything up because Freya, Finn, Mark and Neil arrived then and I felt relieved that I hadn’t broached the subject of mine and Erik’s kiss.
Spending the rest of the evening with our friends and acting as each other’s PPO again put us right back where we needed to be and I felt happy about that.