Chapter 18
THEN: MAGGIE
“So,” Maggie breathed out blissfully.
“So,” Diana said from beside Maggie. Both girls were in their underwear, sweaty and still breathless.
Maggie beamed back at her lover. The day had been something that Maggie had long only imagined: she had spent Thanksgiving, to her mother’s delight, with the Blakes.
And while Diana complained about how dry and callous her parents were, Maggie couldn’t remember a time where she’d actually gotten to celebrate the day, let alone had the spread they’d had.
She also thought it may be the first time she’d ever experienced a meal where everyone sat down at the same time, even if it was clearly begrudgingly on Julia and Diana’s parts.
The Blakes had even let all of the girls have a glass of wine at the table, which, given that they were all now sixteen and over, felt alright.
Maggie agreed that there was something in the leap between fifteen and sixteen, though Julia always had seemed older and wiser beyond her years–-a fact that showed as she had discussed at length the bloody roots of Thanksgiving.
With their minds and bellies full, the girls had spent the rest of the day chatting and joking around. The whole time Diana had held Maggie’s hand and she had felt like she was floating through a dream. Then they’d parted from Julia and spent the last hour making out on and off in Diana’s bed.
“Have you, ever, I mean did you and your ex ever…” Maggie trailed off.
Her body was on fire and she was full of the need to be closer to Diana.
The day had been perfect, like her time with Diana.
She had never thought about sex before beyond how not to get pregnant, mainly because she’d never really thought what sex would be like between two women, nor that she would want to have sex with a woman.
Yes, she was sure she’d actually never even thought or craved sex before Diana, and knew that beyond Diana being beautiful, Maggie wanted specifically her, everywhere.
“Did we have sex?” Diana finished helpfully.
“Yeah,” Maggie said, looking into Diana’s navy eyes.
“Yeah, Jay and I had sex, I mean, I lost my virginity to her,” Diana said slowly, as if making sure her words didn’t detonate the jealousy Maggie knew Diana had noticed she had when it came to Jay.
Maggie wasn’t even sure that it was specifically Jay that she was jealous of, or that someone else had had Diana’s heart and time.
Had had her in a way Maggie hadn’t. Like she’d had more of her somehow.
Like she had a part of Diana she’d never be able to have to herself.
“Want to know something weird?” Maggie said, deciding a change in direction was best before her nerves gave way to the jealous monster that she’d also been surprised lurked inside her.
Seemingly caught off guard, Diana nodded. “I don’t think I have actually ever wanted to have sex before.”
Diana looked away as if in thought, and then Maggie felt her shrug. “I mean not everyone is crazy about sex or thinking about sex all the time. I have a friend who swears she only finds sex interesting when she’s writing her crazy gay ass stories online.”
Maggie took a moment to think about which one of Diana’s friends this could be; she only really saw her hang with Julia and another girl, Janice, from time to time between classes.
Deciding that it didn’t matter, Maggie digested the other portion of that sentence: there were in fact teens out there who were not sex and romance obsessed.
She hadn’t met one, nor did it help that she was around her cheerleaders who were all obsessed with staying linked to a boy.
She had always been the odd single and disinterested one out.
She knew it had only been a matter of time before Em tried to set her up.
Thank goodness it hadn’t transformed into anything further, and both of her friends were so fixated on their own crushes that they stopped asking her about her “follow-up dating plans”.
“Yeah, well, that’s nice to hear. I mean, you’ve had sex, assuming you do like it, that you’re not like your friend, you’re like—Julia maybe?”
At that Diana scoffed and laughed. “Ah no, I am not like Julia, who I think would flirt with a lantern if it looked at her right.” They both laughed.
“No, I am not like Julia in the slightest, she’s a way more sensual person than I, or at least, that’s how she puts it.
She’s very physical. Which to each their own.
I have to really know the person, and like something about them first.”
“And do you like something about me?” Maggie asked sheepishly.
“Isn’t that obvious by everything we’ve been doing so far?
” Diana asked with a grin, and even with her nerves Maggie couldn’t help but grin back.
“Maggie, I like you. I think you are one of the most interesting people I have ever met. You’re never what I expect when you reveal a part of yourself, and once you do, I feel so lucky to know that part of you.
Like I’ve earned something worth keeping. ”
Maggie took a moment to steady her breath.
Her mother’s words came back to her: Men need you beautiful and fuckable, sorry to put it so harshly Margaret, but cheer helps with that, this business about your school newspaper club does neither.
When she had had to choose between cheer and her school’s yearbook and newspaper club, her mother went on and on about what men wanted from her, how to get and keep a man, and here she was with someone telling her she liked her for her truth.
She hadn’t seen much in high school that proved her mother wrong, most certainly not from her dad’s friends, but she’d never assumed her mother had been completely right.
Though in this moment it didn’t matter. Diana was no man.
“Diana, I like you too, so much. And I get that you’re not like Julia, but you still like sex right? I’m just saying I never knew what that was like, I didn’t know—”
“That’s okay, Mags, we don’t have to have—”
“Not until we started,” Maggie cut across Diana’s words but then found she had to search her mind for the right word, because they’d never really talked about what they were doing.
It was as if, to Maggie at least, talking about it would somehow bring it into existence, and if it existed, it could then cease to exist. “Not till we started, this, whatever this is,” she said the last part regretfully, knowing that now they were going to have to address what they were to each other.
There was a quiet moment while Maggie looked away from Diana, and when she looked back she found the other young woman continuing to stare back at her intently.
“What do you want it to be?” Diana said finally, her eyes never wavering.
“I don’t know, I have never really thought about—well I suppose if I were Em or Mary and you were one of the boys they were kissing on a regular basis, and talking about sex with, they’d be together, going steady.
Girlfriend and boyfriend.” Maggie looked away again, her face hot.
She felt foolish, but she’d actually never given any of this thought before.
Not even with Em and Mary constantly talking about relationships and how to find one as soon as possible.
“And is that what you want? You just said you have never really thought about it before, and it sounds like you’ve never been with anyone before.
I don’t want you to think we have to do anything because those—” Diana seemed to have caught herself as her voice became more intense, “just because other people do things a certain way. We don’t have to be like everyone else.
I mean, we already aren’t.” Diana gestured between them.
Maggie frowned and nodded; she supposed they weren’t, considering they were two girls. “So does that make us girlfriend and girlfriend then? Girlfriends.” Maggie had initially been asking for the sake of grammar, the full weight of what she was asking slamming into her a moment later.
“Is that what you want?” Diana asked carefully. “It has to be what you want.”
Maggie gave this some thought because she was still trying to figure out what it all meant.
Shockingly, she thought to herself, the prospect of exploring this new physical attraction with Diana felt exhilarating.
Something she knew belonged only to them.
But the idea of more scared her mainly because it felt daunting.
She didn’t have an example of what it meant really, and Maggie hated being bad at something.
She didn’t think she could stand disappointing Diana, not in the way she knew she already did her mother.
Finally, she gained the bravery she needed to look back into Diana’s patient eyes.
She had no idea what it meant to belong to someone else other than her mother.
But looking at Diana she realized that’s what she wanted, those two things: she wanted to belong to someone other than her mother, but more so, she wanted that person to be Diana.
“Yes,” she breathed, almost a whisper before swallowing thickly and saying, “yes, that’s what I want. I want to be yours.”
Diana looked back at her and then Maggie watched as a bright smile formed on Diana’s handsome face.
“Okay, then, I would love for us to be together too,” Diana said and then leaned forward at the same time Maggie felt herself lean in, their lips meeting for a slow and passionate kiss.
The kind Maggie wished she’d known existed, but then again, before Diana, she wouldn’t have cared if they had.
When they finally pulled apart, it was only their faces by a few inches, their bodies now pressed together in a pile of heat and limbs.
“I want to be yours,” Maggie breathed again.
“Okay you—”
“All of me, I want it all to be yours,” Maggie said again, trying to pack as much meaning into her words as possible.
Diana closed her mouth slowly and Maggie looked back at her while Diana looked over her face, appraising. “Okay, but let’s not just jump right into the deep end.”
Maggie wanted to protest. Why not just jump into the deep end?
Then she could shed the anticipation nerves and focus.
But then Diana began to slide her hand down Maggie’s side, leaving a trail of fire every time her hand touched her skin around her underwear.
Suddenly, Maggie felt like she was wearing too many clothes.
Maggie leaned forward, a move Diana took as wanting to kiss again—which Maggie decided was a happy accident—but what she was really doing was awkwardly folding her arms back and unhooking her bra.
Once she had it unclasped, she rolled on her back and pulled it off, the swell of her breasts welcoming the removal of restriction.
Diana was still on her side, and she looked down at Maggie with a look Maggie couldn’t decipher.
Steeling herself, Maggie maneuvered so that she was able to pull her underwear down to her mid thighs.
As if snapping out of whatever state she had been in, Diana helped her pull down her underwear and pulled them off her ankles.
Kneeling now, Diana looked down as Maggie lay on her back, offering herself to her.
“Say something,” Maggie half begged, half demanded.
“I—Jesus Mags, you’re beautiful,” Diana said, and Maggie could see her swallow.
The idea that she was having an effect on Diana, who always seemed so sure, was exhilarating.
Maggie lifted her knees up next to Diana so her feet were flat on the bed and then let her legs fall apart slightly and watched as Diana’s eyes locked onto her.
She let out a small whimper — a whimper— and then closed her eyes as if in a silent prayer.
“Mags, you’re going to have to help me here, you’re going to have to tell me how far you want to go,” Diana said with her eyes still closed, growing slightly as if she was trying to hold onto her sanity.
“I want you to touch me, Diana, please. I need you, I need to feel you, just you,” Maggie breathed. Her body was on fire, her nerves were going haywire, unable to discern fear or desire or all of the above. She’d never felt this way, as if Diana was the secret key necessary to unlock this for her.
Diana slowly opened her eyes, and Maggie’s breath hitched at the sight of heat in them.
“Okay,” Diana said, her voice low and steady, “okay, but whatever you don’t like you tell me, promise?
” Maggie nodded. “And we have time, there are plenty of things we can do.” Diana moved over Maggie’s body, and settled between her legs; the weight of her pelvis was pressed against Maggie’s and she pleasantly shuddered at the pressure.
“Have you ever touched yourself?” Diana asked quietly, and Maggie opened her eyes to find her hovering just above her face. She could feel the breath of her words over her lips.
Maggie nodded, because she had, but it had been more experimental, and hadn’t really gone anywhere.
Not to mention, the idea of anyone touching her had been somewhat tainted by an incident a few years ago when one of her father’s friends had grabbed her over her jeans.
It had been the first time anyone had ever touched her there and so the idea of that kind of touch was hard for her.
Even when it had been by herself, she had had to work hard to feel safe and fight back the nausea brought on by the feeling of wrongness it brought up.
Still she knew she was in the safety of Diana, full of a thrumming need to feel her, everywhere.
“Did you like it?” Diana asked, and Maggie shook her head that she didn’t, and was starting to feel exposed and wrong, and—“Hey, hey, where did you go? You don’t have to like everything either, okay?
I just want to make sure I know what you like.
What’s ok, ok?” Maggie nodded, steadying her breath and cursing those bastards for almost taking this from her, but no, looking back into Diana’s eyes she reminded herself that she was safe.
“Okay, so maybe we hold off on touch. Would you be okay if I kissed you? Used my mouth on you?” and Maggie felt her shame drained away by exhilaration. She nodded.
She would feel Diana everywhere after all.
Diana gave her one last long look, searching her face for something, and then she mercifully leaned down to kiss her slowly and sweetly.
Maggie reached up and grabbed the back of Diana’s head, opening her mouth and kissing her hungrily.
She was with Diana, and Diana with her, and all that existed in that moment was them.