Chapter 36
THEN: DIANA
“God, Diana, fuck, right there, don’t stop.
” Maggie’s breath tickled Diana’s ear as she fucked her in the back seat of Maggie’s new car.
Well, new for Maggie, since she hadn’t had one the whole time they were in high school.
She stifled the absurd urge to laugh, she couldn’t stop if she wanted to. Couldn’t, hadn’t stopped any of this.
Two years. She hadn’t seen Maggie McDonald in two years.
But she had heard from her. Diana had been pleasantly shocked to find that she had a reply to an email Maggie seemingly had chosen at random, given it hadn’t been the most recent.
She even had a giddy moment of wondering if that meant Maggie had gone through and purposely picked the one she replied to, instead of just choosing one at random.
Something happened. I almost died tonight I think. I am fine now. But I would have had one regret: I am sorry. I still love you too. Might always. I miss you.
—M.
Diana had stared momentarily at her computer screen while sitting in the main campus library.
And that had been it. They had spent their junior year emailing once a week.
About anything and everything except them.
Maggie had never told her what prompted the reply, and Diana had been too afraid of losing this delicate thread they’d reestablished between them to ask.
So once-a-week emails about everything other than what it all meant was what Diana had been willing to take.
Until, she’d come home for spring break at the insistence of her mother who was elated that Gavin had gone from mere party guest to a guy who Diana was dating.
Diana merely saw Gavin as an interesting distraction; she wasn’t exactly sure why, but there was an air about him that seemed to encourage her to throw caution to the wind and just go with things.
They had been all above the waist and respectful, but it was clear Gavin was trying to lock her down.
She supposed she hung out with him at first because she had nothing and no one else.
There also hadn’t been a reason not to give the man a chance.
Especially since, as fucked up as Diana thought it was, her mother was way more agreeable over any additional funds or help in supporting Jay and Michaela’s causes, though she supposed her mother just thought she was out buying designer clothing to make Gavin happy.
Other than Gavin, she had no other prospects really.
She and Jay remained close but respected Michaela’s boundaries, and while Diana was surrounded by plenty of beautiful people of all walks of life, she knew that at the end of the day, AOL’s declaration of You’ve Got Mail was going to elicit a yearning inside her for Maggie that she’d never have for anyone else.
So, to avoid another night of yearning she’d gotten Julia to agree to go out and the two of them had been leaving Clyde’s, a small bar that was one of the few businesses their parents didn’t have a stake in, to find Maggie McDonald sitting on the hood of Julia’s car.
Julia had squealed and given Maggie a huge hug, but when the cloud of all the things Diana and Maggie didn’t say to each other seemed to thicken in the air, Julia excused herself and drove off home.
Diana and Maggie had maybe said three words before Maggie was on her, pulling her the three spaces over to where she’d been parked.
Maggie didn’t hesitate in going down on Diana, sucking and licking her like she’d been just as desperate these last couple of years. Diana liked to believe she had been.
“Fuck, I missed this, missed you, Dee, please, fuck I am going to come, Jesus, oh fuck—” Maggie said as Diana hooked two fingers inside of her while not letting up on the friction her thumb was creating against her clit. “Oh fuck yeah.”
“You going to come for me Mags? You going to give me what’s mine?”
“Yes, for you, all for you,” Maggie whimpered as she came.
Diana felt Maggie tighten around her fingers, warm and wet, and cursed under her breath at how much she’d missed being a part of the woman beneath her.
And then cursed again at the prickling of tears that threatened to make themselves known. Fuck she had missed this woman.
After one last kiss, Diana had pulled back from Maggie and let the other woman pull down the skirt she was wearing.
Diana took a moment to steady her breath and then slid on her shorts.
When they were dressed, and their breathing had steadied, the cloud of all the unsaid things seemed to swirl around them again, prickling at Diana’s skin.
“Fuck, that was, God I don’t know how long it’s been,” Maggie finally said, resting her head back. Diana turned to face her.
“You mean like, you don’t know how long it's been or you’re not sure how long it's been since we—” Diana’s voice faltered as her confidence did.
Now that the question was out, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer.
Not because she cared if Maggie slept with other people.
Not in principle anyway. She did care because she knew Maggie wasn’t like her, she couldn’t sleep with someone unless she had a connection with them.
And while Diana didn’t mind her connecting with another, she did mind it if Diana didn’t have claim to her heart as well.
Maggie was quiet during Diana’s internal musings until she said, “Since we last, I haven’t with anyone.”
Diana took that in. It had been over two years. While Diana silently did this light mental math, Maggie turned to her, and when she met Maggie’s eyes again, Maggie scoffed and said, “But of course, you have options. You’ve always had options.”
“Maggie, you didn’t speak to me for over a year, don’t give me that shit.”
“Oh so you’re not sleeping with Jay?”
“I am not, Jay has a girlfriend, remember?”
“Whatever, who knows what you two are into,” Maggie muttered, and the words stung.
“You know what, Mags? Fuck you, I haven’t had anything more than an email from you, you show up here, throw me in your car, fuck me, and then what, try to make me feel bad for figuring out how to move on when you left me?”
There was a cold silence, as if ripping those words from the figurative cloud that followed them had left a space in its absence.
“I deserve that, I’m sorry.” Maggie said quietly.
Her admission, for whatever reason, pissed Diana off more.
She flung her door open and exited the car, slamming the door behind her.
She heard Maggie’s side of the car open and close, and then Maggie rounded the car and leaned against it.
The lot was fairly empty. The last business open was the bar, and Clyde’s would be closing in a little over thirty minutes.
“Dee, I’m sorry I—”
“Don’t, please don’t Mags. Just let me fucking have this.
Please.” Diana pleaded as she stood in the empty space next to Maggie’s car.
Which she took time to really take in. She knew Maggie was working at school, but also knew she was sending money to her mother after her father’s disability ran out.
“When did you get a car?” Diana asked, desperate to talk about anything else.
She didn’t feel like crying tonight, not when she didn’t know for how much longer she had Maggie here, with her, in the flesh.
“I uh, well, Damien helped me get it,” Maggie said sheepishly, and maybe, even a little evasively.
“Damien, your boyfriend? Is it that serious, considering you still probably smell like me right now.”
Maggie gave her an exasperated look, her cold blue eyes catching the moonlight. “Dee, you already know what that’s about.”
And Diana did. Maggie wanted to feel safe, financially secure, and Damien needed his inheritance.
Damien had tried to tell his family he was gay, and it hadn't gone well. Well, his parents hadn’t loved it, but they hadn’t threatened to cut him off financially.
No, that had been his grandfather and patriarch of the family, who still held the purse strings, apparently.
Damien stood to lose a lot if he didn’t marry a woman.
Maggie had explained everything to Diana, but after the treatment she’d gotten in the back of Damien’s car, the car she’d just fucked his girlfriend in, the one he got to be with even if it was all for show, she felt her anger and resentment reclaim her.
“Damn, a whole car and apparently you’re not even putting out for it.”
“Fuck you, he’s gay, I’m—” She stopped and looked around before dropping her voice, “I’m gay.”
“Sounds great, you two have so much in common.”
“Oh shut up, you already—you know, whatever. Fuck you, okay? This is all I get, and you know, Dee, how I feel.” Diana did know, because it was exactly how she felt.And right now, she wanted to scream.
She didn’t want to, but in that moment she also hated Damien for having everything she didn’t and not even wanting it himself. Neither him nor Maggie did.
“Look, tonight was fun, and I get it, okay? I hate it, but I guess I get it. You have to do what you have to do and—” Diana was cut off by headlights turning into the parking lot. Familiar headlights. Julia’s headlights.
Slowing down as she approached them, Diana let out an audible groan as she saw why Julia had returned and who was in her passenger seat. Gavin, who was also home for spring break and had made that point very clear so far through all the surprise visits and phone calls.
Julia parked next to the empty space behind where Diana stood across from Maggie, who was still leaning against her car, her arms wrapped around her.
Maggie pleaded with her eyes as Diana heard the car doors open behind her. She’d told Maggie about Gavin, but knew Maggie would have no idea who he was, so quickly Diana turned and said, “Gavin, hey! What are you doing here?”
“Hey beautiful,” he said smoothly, coming to stand next to Diana. His 6’2 frame towered over hers. “I swung by yours and found Julia here who said she was just on her way to pick you up from hanging with a friend, thought I’d come along.” He bent and gave her a quick kiss on her cheek.
Diana’s eyes cut to her sister’s who gave her a meaningful and apologetic look. Diana couldn’t decipher it, but whatever had happened, she knew Julia had her reasons and best interests at heart. Diana guessed it had something to do with their mother.
Smiling back at Gavin she said, “Oh, makes sense, uh,” she turned, gesturing towards Maggie, “this is Maggie McDonald, a friend from high school.”
Gavin stepped forward to shake her hand. Maggie took it, weakly smiling. “Nice to meet you,” she said.
“Sorry to crash you two catching up, I just haven’t seen this one that much since we’ve been home,” Gavin said brightly, and Maggie nodded along. Diana’s eyes cut to her sister’s and Julia gave the slightest shrug.
“Not a big deal, we were just saying goodbye anyway,” Maggie said, and Diana thought her voice came out coolly. “Hey, Dee, nice to see you, I’ll write you later, kay?”
Diana felt relief wash over her at the warmth Maggie injected into that last bit.
But it was quickly replaced when she considered that perhaps that’s all they would have.
Perhaps the last time she had Maggie McDonald where she wanted her was right here, in a somewhat empty parking lot behind a bar. The thought made Diana’s stomach turn.
“Hey Mags, can I get a ride?” Julia said, as Maggie began to circle her car. Maggie stopped and then studied Julia for a beat.
“Of course, yeah, makes sense,” she said, getting into the driver’s side.
Julia turned and threw her keys to Diana. “Sorry, just really tired, and well, love you sis, see you at home,” Julia said, getting into the passenger side. Diana bet the car still smelled like sex.
“So shall I ride with you home?” Gavin said, sidling up next to Diana.
She looked down at the keys in her hands, and then again at the space in the parking lot where Maggie’s car had just been.
There was nothing there but cold, dark pavement.
No sign that two women had just been reunited and made love for the first time in years.
It had all been swallowed up by the darkness.
The realization opened a chasm in Diana. One she couldn’t bear not to have filled immediately.
She handed Gavin the keys. “No, first, we are going to do last call in Clyde’s, I need a few shots. And then, you’re going to take me back to yours and fuck me.”