Falling From Grace

Chapter 14

14

I don’t know how long I sat there on the floor, watching the red stain everything in its path. Though Uncle Wayne’s fingers twitched randomly, every other part of his body remained still. Just like I was for years. Just like my mama.

I couldn’t feel my body, but I knew my legs and arms were still there. Wayne was never an uncle to me. He was just a man. Now he was some man who had attacked me and was now lying on my kitchen floor. I looked at my round belly and then stared at the spattered dots of blood across my dress and arms.

A gentle knock at the door and Peter’s voice calling my name was all it took for me to break down crying again. I heard the door open and shut, and my eyes closed tighter. The silence terrorized me until I felt a pair of sweaty hands touch my face. He pulled my hands away from my ears, and the more he pulled them away, the more I shook my head and sobbed, resisting. My chest began to heave, struggling to breathe.

“ Grace.”

“I had to do it. He was gonna ... he was gonna hurt her. I couldn’t let him hurt her. I couldn’t let him hurt me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” My eyes drifted toward the dead body.

“Don’t. Just look at me. I need you to look at me, Grace. Only me, okay?” He cupped my face. His hands were steady, telling me he was as calm as he could be. No trace of fear or doubt was present in him as he held my face with such care, as if I was a baby, allowing me to cry it out. I could see the wheels turning in his mind. His eyes were serious but gentle as he inspected my face.

“ Grace.”

“I’m so sorry,” I cried. “Please don’t go. Don’t—?”

“Grace, I’m not gonna go anywhere,” he said without any hesitation in his voice. “Can you stand up?”

I nodded and started to push myself up. Peter stood and grabbed each of my hands to lift me up to my feet. He brought me into his strong arms, and I buried my face in his chest, sobbing in relief that I was in his arms. Uncle Wayne’s hand was near my foot, as if he was still reaching out to grab me. I slid my foot away.

“Okay, come over here.”

He carefully inched back, avoiding the blood. I stepped over Uncle Wayne’s arm, and Peter led me to the kitchen table. He grabbed one of the chairs and scooted it back.

“Okay. Sit down.”

I sat down, and Peter kneeled, taking my hands in his.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“Grace, don’t be sorry. I’m gonna take care of everything. You just need to stay here. That’s all you need to do.”

“What are you—?”

“I’m not gonna tell you what I’m gonna do. All anyone needs to know is that he left here. That’s it. Okay?”

I nodded.

“I just need you to trust me.”

I nodded. “Mm-hmm.”

“Now, I’m going to turn you around, and you need to promise me that you won’t look.”

“Okay.” My voice cracked, and I shut my eyes. The feet of the chair scraped against the floor as Peter turned me around. “T-there’s a large plastic tarp in the back of the trailer that my pa used for his truck during rainstorms.”

Though he didn’t acknowledge he heard me, the slider door opened and snapped shut. For a fleeting moment there was a silence until I heard a rustle , like the crunching of plastic. A rush of hot air swept inside as the door opened and shut again. Peter’s heavy footsteps returned. I heard the tarp billow on the floor, and the corner touched the side of my ankle. Sliding my foot away, I listened to Peter grunting, and I knew he was pushing Uncle Wayne onto the tarp. My toes curled at the sudden spew of water from the kitchen faucet falling into what sounded like a container. My eyes remained shut until the air was no longer laced with blood and the squelching sounds of water stopped. All that lingered was bleach and soap. I opened my eyes but kept them focused on my feet. I allowed myself to look out the window. It was twilight. And never had I been so grateful that in a couple of hours, it would be dark. My hands and my feet never moved. I never looked until Peter finally said my name.

“ Grace.”

I opened my eyes, feeling his arm brush against mine. “Yeah?” I asked, taking a much-needed breath.

“I’ll be back soon. Okay?”

I nodded.

The sound of something heavy being dragged caused me to peek, and I saw the back of Peter in Uncle Wayne’s baseball cap and flannel. He pulled the tarp out the trailer and shut the front door. Shortly after, I heard Uncle Wayne’s truck revving to life. I quickly stood and pulled the curtain, watching Peter climb inside and drive off down the road. Turning away, I finally allowed myself to look at the floor. The freshly cleaned floor. Even the cast iron skillet was scrubbed and cleaned to perfection, sitting in the drain board. No one would ever guess something bad had just happened.

Death was always tragic.

But I was relieved. Relieved to feel my baby girl in my belly. I’d never been a vengeful person nor truly hated anyone. Yet deep down, I’d always prayed for one thing since I was a little girl and shamed myself for ever wanting it. I prayed for the monsters to go away. I never wanted a Prince Charming. All I wanted was someone strong and scary enough to keep all the bad things at bay, yet gentle to those they loved. But the realization that I had become that person for me and my daughter brought a peace to my soul that I never expected. I was that someone—strong and scary enough to take away the monsters.

For the first time, the invisible hands weighing on my shoulders finally disappeared. Nothing and no one was keeping me here anymore. Desperate to feel clean, I made my way down the hall and into the shower. Watching the last remains of the pink water spill into the drain, I dried off and pulled on my pajamas. I walked into the kitchen and stopped again to stare at the floor. Though it was clean, I knew I’d always remember the way Uncle Wayne’s arms and legs splayed out on the floor. A knock at the door caused me to jump.

“Sweetie?” Arlene called out. “ You up?”

I let out a deep breath before opening the door. “ Hey, Arlene.”

“I saw that your Uncle Wayne left a while ago. I would’ve come over sooner, but Ray and I were eating dinner. Everything okay?”

“Yeah. We just had a small fight, that’s all. He was mad that I didn’t tell him about Pa.”

“He didn’t know?”

“ No.”

“You think your Uncle Wayne will let you stay here?”

“I don’t have a job. All I have is what’s left in the Pampers box.”

“That money you have is only gonna get you so far, Grace. Especially before that baby pops out.”

“ Arlene.”

“Alright, alright. Well, you still want some s’mores? Ray’s cookin’ them up now. You and Peter can come on over.”

“I’m tired. But thank you.”

“Okay, well, have a goodnight.” Arlene stepped down from the porch and looked at me one last time.

“ You, too.”

Throughout the night, I tossed and turned, worrying about Peter and where he might be. What was he doing? I felt guilty for bringing him into this. He wanted peace, and I’d given him no such thing. When the first light of day arrived, I did what I always did. I went outside and sat in my chair to watch the desert come alive. A chorus of howls erupted, and I closed my eyes to bask in the sound. Another howl broke, but it didn’t sound far away. It sounded closer. I opened my eyes and saw a coyote in the middle of the road, stretching its neck to the sky. A feeling of wonder expanded within my chest, greater than all the times I’d ever opened a gift. Its pointy snout turned toward me and it canted its neck, staring at me with those big, golden brown eyes. Its gray and auburn fur was speckled with a layer of dirt.

The longer we stared at each other, the more I felt a sense of certainty and peace. That by some universal force, everything was going to work out in some strange way. Another set of howls broke free, and the coyote howled in response to its pack before running away. When I looked at the empty stretch of road this time, it didn’t seem so empty. In fact, I saw limitless opportunities.

As the sky lightened, I saw Peter walking up the road, making way to his trailer. He wore a freshly cleaned white T-shirt and jeans. All I wanted to do was run to him, but something inside me wanted to stay put. He glanced over at me, and what I didn’t know then was that that would be the last time we’d share a look for the next several days. My only glimpses of him would be from afar as I walked home from Sam’s. Day by day, he tackled some new project on his uncle’s trailer. The siding was stripped and replaced with new vinyl planks. A new gutter was installed. Even the wood porch was restored to its former glory. And when I did see him, I resisted the need to tell him I was leaving soon. That I’d be okay. That I’d be happy. I didn’t want to say goodbye just yet.

Not to him.

Though some part of me always believed we were only meant to know each other for a brief time, it didn’t make it any less difficult to say it. But what I would never forget was how all at once, he’d become just as important as Arlene and Ray, if not more. And I now wondered how I had ever lived without him. That’s what frightened me the most. Cause I knew he was the exception.

On my way back from Sam’s, I saw the rear end of a squad car parked by Arlene and Ray’s. A panic consumed me, and I stopped. Looking across the road, I saw Peter grabbing one of the many broken-down moving boxes from his truck. He turned his head, and just as quick as it was for him to look at me, he walked away. Though I knew he would leave soon, too, there was nothing that I could do to stop this sickly feeling in my stomach. One of the officers caught sight of me. He took his arm off the hood of the squad car and stood upright, giving me a once-over. His gut was about the same size as Ray’s, telling me that he had somebody at home cooking for him.

“Oh, Grace!” Arlene rushed to my side. “Have you heard from your Uncle Wayne at all? It seems he’s been missing for a week now.”

“Really?” I asked.

The first officer walked over, shutting his notepad and taking off his hat to fan himself. “It’s been a while, Grace. Don’t know if you remember me. But I saw you quite a few times when you were just a youngin’. Your dad and your Uncle Wayne were always getting into some sort of trouble.”

“I remember you. Liam, right?”

He smiled. “Yeah. How old are you now?”

“ Nineteen.”

“Time really flies, doesn’t it? And here I thought I wouldn’t ever need to come back down here. Thought your dad and your Uncle Wayne had straightened themselves out by now. But here I am. I’ll try to keep this short ’cause it’s gettin hotter than hell out here. Tina said he was comin’ down to check on you.”

“Yeah, he did. He only stayed a while. We had a fight. He’d been drinking. And then he passed out for a bit before leavin’. And that was the last I’ve seen of him,” I said, catching Liam’s partner’s suspecting gaze.

“You the only one who saw him leave?” his partner asked.

“How many times you gotta ask that? My wife and I saw his big, loud truck leave. Mr. Taylor saw it leave. Even Mr. Emerson. You don’t even need to see it to know it left. It’s a sound you never forget, let me tell ya.” Ray interrupted, standing by Arlene’s side with arms crossed.

“Ray, he’s just doin’ his job,” Liam said. “You all know more than anyone that Bill and Wayne have a habit of pissing off people wherever they go.”

“You think someone hurt him?” Arlene asked.

“We’re not rulin’ it out. We know that Bill was seen at a hospital a few weeks back. All beat up. Haven’t seen him like that in a long time. But now he’s missin’, too. It’s why your Uncle Wayne came down here, Grace. You think you know where your dad might’ve run off to?” Liam asked.

“No,” I answered truthfully. “I know him and Uncle Wayne sometimes take off for a while.”

“And he left you here alone?” the second officer asked in disbelief. “Like that?” he gestured to my belly.

Liam looked at his partner, saying, as he gestured to us three, “Arlene and Ray here take care of her. They always have.”

Arlene wrapped her arm around me and straightened her neck. “You bet we do. She’s like a daughter to us.”

“Well, if your dad or Uncle Wayne turn up here again, let us know,” Liam said, handing me his card. “Joe, let’s go. It was nice seein’ you again, Grace. You, too, Arlene and Ray. Have a nice day.”

Joe gave me one last look before turning away. “And thanks again for answering our questions, Mr. Lawson,” he called out to Peter who was about to walk inside with another box and gave them a brief wave. “And thank you for your service.” Liam and his partner tipped their hats and climbed into the squad car.

Arlene, Ray, and I watched them take off down the road.

“I swear I hate cops, Ray,” Arlene said, shaking her head. “Didn’t you see how Joe was lookin’ at her? I git it that they need to think of every possible scenario. But a pregnant girl? Jesus Christ.” She shook her head again and fastened her robe, walking back to their trailer. “And I ain’t even had my cup of coffee yet!” she exclaimed as the door shut behind her. Ray exhaled and looked toward me.

There was something there. A knowing. An inkling of a knowing. Not big but big enough for him to be suspicious. Just as he was with Uncle Wayne.

“You worried, Grace?”

“No. Are you, Ray?”

“No. I never liked him anyway.”

“Why have you never liked him? The times Uncle Wayne talked to you, you were nice to him.”

“I didn’t like how he looked at ya. That’s why. I know I never say it much, but you’re like the daughter I never had, Grace. And that means you’re family. And families protect each other.” Ray pulled me into his side, kissing the top of my head. “Now, walk over to that man and tell him you’re leaving here. Cause quite frankly, I think it would make him feel better. I think it’s putting him out of whack how you two haven’t been talking. I can see it on his face that he wants to.”

“How do you know that?”

“Cause I’m a man, Grace. That’s how.” Ray turned away, heading back inside the trailer.

I looked across the road. At first I hesitated, but knowing I’d regret it if I didn’t go, I walked over. Just as I came to the porch the door opened, and Peter came out. He lifted his head and stopped, his cheeks turning red.

“I know you’re busy, but I’d really like to talk. If that’s okay with you.”

He stepped off the porch. “Sure. How’ve you, uh, been?” he asked, sticking his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“Fine. I’m actually leavin’ this weekend. That’s what I wanted to come over and tell you.”

He nodded and looked at his feet. “Oh, good ... that’s good,” he said and raised his head.

“The trailer looks really good.”

He turned back and regarded me. “Yeah, almost finished. Just another few days, and I’ll be off, too.”

To hear it with my own ears and see how serious he was gripped me with despair. My heart was suddenly heavy. Was this what Pa felt like when he saw Mama leave? Conflicted but utterly heartbroken? From the day my mama left, I had promised myself to never love again. To never trust again. And that was something not even the most hopeless of hearts could keep. To stop falling in love with people like Ray and Arlene. And like Peter.

I stood there, letting it all soak in.

Letting the loneliness nestle its way back into my chest. And it was just as suffocating as I remembered. For so long I had kept myself from loving for this very reason. Everyone I love had left at some point. First Mama. Then Pa.

And now Peter.

“You heading back to Montana?”

“No. I don’t know where I’m headed. I just know it can’t be anywhere near here. You know where you’re goin’?”

“No, not yet . . . Well, I’ll let you get back to packin’ up. If I don’t see you before you leave, say bye to Harley for me. Okay? I’ll miss him.” I turned away but not without passing him a small smile.

“ Grace.”

My feet stopped and I looked at him. “What?”

I’d never seen him look so vulnerable. His eyes were soft but pained. Like he was about to say something important. A confession. And if he didn’t, he’d break. And I knew with all my heart what he was about to say.

“No. Don’t you dare say what I think you’re gonna say,” I pleaded. When he took those last few steps between us with such haste, I pointed at him and said, inching back, “No. No. Don’t you say it, Peter. Don’t—?”

“Why? Why can’t I say it? Why can’t I say that I want you to come with me? Why can’t I say that?”

“You said so yourself. You have a plan. I have a plan. That’s why,” I said, and in spite of my best efforts, my voice shook.

“You’re the one who told me that you can’t plan life. You think I expected any of this? You were never part of my plan, Grace. That’s why I’m asking you this. Something I never thought I’d ever be asking a woman again. But here I am, Grace. Doing it again. I know what I’m asking for may be unfair, and I could say something arrogant like I’ll make you happy. I know you don’t need me to be happy. But I want you. I want you to come with me. And you can leave anytime you want. I won’t keep you from experiencing the world,” he said as he let out a shaky breath. “I’m just . . . I’m just scared of not ever seeing you again,” he declared with such love and tenderness that all I wanted to do was cry.

“Why are you doing this now? Why are you making it so hard for me?” My voice cracked.

“Why am I doing this?” His hands held my shoulders, keeping me firmly planted in front of him. “Look at how you’ve made me, Grace. Look at me. You made me want to take that chance again. I know you still do, because you’re probably the one person in the world who won’t ever give up on love. And I want it again. With you. I don’t want it to be just Harley and me anymore. I want to see you every day. I want to be there when you hold your baby for the first time. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you everything’s going to be okay. That’s all I want. Cause if I don’t get to hold you again, Grace, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I really don’t know what I’m gonna do, and that scares me.” His voice broke. “I don’t want to leave here without you.”

“You told me a person can’t make you happy.”

“I know, I was—?”

“I’m no good for you. I mean, Jesus, Peter ... look at what you did for me! Who does all this for someone out of the goodness of their heart? No one does. You told me a person needs to be—?”

“I know what I said.”

“Then who’s to say you won’t leave me if I go with you? What if I’m not the woman you think I am? I’m not even a—?”

“Who’s to say you won’t leave me, Grace? I know that some day, if you change your mind, you’ll leave. So what are you so afraid of? I’m finally telling you what you want to hear.”

“You! I’m afraid of you!”

“Why? Cause I make you happy? You scare me, too, Grace. But the moment I sat at that diner with you, I knew I was in it with you. I knew it when you gave me a choice. I always had a choice.” Peter took a deep breath, now holding my face in his hands. My lower lip quivered, my eyes continuing to water. “You ... you and that baby have meant more to me than any person I’ve ever known. I’m falling for you, and I can’t stop it. No matter how hard I try. I can’t. And I see it in your eyes when you look at me. We haven’t had any time. I want more time with you and that baby, Grace.”

I knew he wanted me to say those words. I wanted to. Every fiber of my being wanted to. His eyes were soft and focused, as if he was memorizing the placement of the beauty marks on my face. A thick swallow passed through his throat and he leaned further in, pressing his lips against my forehead—a kiss that held such tenderness that my eyes squeezed shut. I was afraid that when I opened them, this would all be too real. That this wasn’t a dream, and it would break me into a thousand pieces.

As if sensing my fear, his hands came up to cradle my face, and he allowed his kiss to linger a little longer, pleading again in a whisper, “Please.” The pain swelled behind my eyes and in my throat, making it unbearable to breathe. Tears spilled over my cheeks. His thumbs swiped my tears away as I cried.

“I can’t. I can’t.”

He didn’t move at first. He just stood there for a moment and finally said, “Okay,” and pulled back.

Peter walked away, his head down. I couldn’t even feel my legs as I watched him return to his trailer. The sharp dig of my fingernails cutting into my palms didn’t lessen the pain inside me. That light in my chest started to fade, and I felt that dark cloud moving out of the shadows of my mind once again. I never thought I’d feel fear like this again. To lose somebody I love. I stifled a cry and covered my mouth about to run back inside. I then saw Arlene standing outside. The look in her eyes told me that she knew that I’d regret this one day. Forcing my feet to move, I retreated to the trailer, finally allowing the sobs to break free. I felt heavy again, and I slid down. A part of me felt relieved to be inside, allowing myself to live in the darkness a bit longer. Yet there was this new part of me, aching to go back outside and to leave with him. The moment he asked me to come with him, I wanted to say yes. I wanted to cry. Wanted to scream.

But mostly, I just wanted him to hold me.

Every bone in my body yearned to run free with him and to never look back. Every minute we had spent together was engraved in my memory. From the very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably his.

By nightfall, I was sitting outside, staring at the blanket of stars, hoping for one of them to point me in the right direction. To where I needed to go. I’d miss the smell of Arlene’s scrambled eggs. I’d miss Ray’s laugh. I’d miss Sam. I’d miss Peter. These were the moments in my life I wished I was in a book, and that I was just a girl heading towards a happy ending. It would be easier. But then it wouldn’t be real. The swell of tears rose again, and I looked down in my lap. The sound of footsteps made my heart leap in hopes that he would be there. I looked over and saw Arlene in her pink robe and rollers, holding a card. Her eyes were tender, and she didn’t say a word as she sat beside me.

“What are you doin’ up? It’s almost midnight.”

“And what are you doin’? You’ve been out here for almost an hour.”

“I’m just thinkin’.”

“ About?”

I stared at the sky, saying, “A lotta things. Usually I’d get an answer by now, but I haven’t,” and looked at her. “What do you have in your hand there? It’s not another birthday card, right?”

“No. But it’s for you.”

“ Arlene.”

“Don’t Arlene me. Just take it,” she insisted and handed me the card. “But before you go on and open it, I wanna tell you somethin’ real important. Cause when I saw that look on your face earlier today, I knew you needed to hear it. I told you that one day some man is gonna fall in love with you, and you will fall in love with him so much that it astounds you. And it will scare the ever lovin’ shit outta ya. Cause you will experience so many things at once. And I think you’re experiencing all those things right now, and it’s scaring you. That’s why you’re sitting out here. And I bet it’s scarin’ him, too. Love scares everyone.”

“Even you and Ray?”

“What? You think Ray and I were always perfect? Who is, for cryin’ out loud? I know I’m not. Even Ray. But I believe there are very few times in life, if someone’s lucky, that they might meet someone who’s exactly right for them. Not because that person is perfect. But because their flaws and yours are shaped in a way that fit together. And as the imperfect people we are, we seek out the imperfect in others to fulfill our own imperfections. Do I believe Ray and I were meant to be together? Heavens, no. It’s a choice we make every day, and we work hard at it. All relationships do.”

“Don’t you love Ray?”

“Of course, I do. You know what you told me one time? That you’d want a man like Ray. A good and loyal man to love you and your child. You didn’t want a wedding. You just wanted the life that came with it. Do you know how crazy it was to hear that from an eleven-year-old?” She laughed and shook her head, exhaling. “You have so much love in you, Grace. I always hoped that you’d find a man who’d give you the same. Cause when someone loves you, the way they talk to you is different. You feel safe. You can be you. That’s the best kind of love. It’s the one that awakens something inside you and makes you feel free. And I see the way Peter looks at you, sweetie. I haven’t seen that look on a man since Ray. I also see how you look at him. He makes you happy, and you make him happy. Now, don’t get me started on the age thing, but let me tell you, it’s hard to find someone who understands you. I mean really gets you and not just says it, Grace.”

“I told him that I was gonna leave and ... he asked me to leave with him. I didn’t think I’d want to say yes, but I found myself wanting to. I still want to, Arlene. But I’ve never been on my own before.”

“And let me guess, you still said no. So are you sittin’ out here because you’re happy with your decision, or is it ’cause you wished you had said something else? Cause this is not how a happy person would be sitting.”

“What does it say to him if I do? I don’t need no man. All I need is me and my baby. I don’t need him to be happy.”

“That you love yourself.”

I looked at her, surprised.

“Ray knows I choose to be with him every day. I can go on my own anytime I damn well please. He won’t hold me back, but I’m happy. There’s nothing wrong or weak in letting yourself be loved, sweetie. In fact, letting yourself be loved is a form of self love in itself. This decision you’re making, this decision to leave, you’re doing that because you want better for yourself and your baby.”

“I don’t wanna leave you, though,” I said, my voice breaking. “You’ve been there for me since I was little.”

“Grace, I want you to live your life. I want you to get outta here. Whether it’s with Peter or not, I want you out. But you better call me every week. I wanna see that little girl grow up. You can come back for the holidays. Ray and I can even come up to wherever you decide to go and live.”

“I still don’t know what to do.”

“ You will.”

“ Arlene.”

“ Yeah, sweetie?”

“Will you and Ray take me to the bus station this weekend?”

“Of course. But you’re gonna need to bring what’s in that card with you,” she gestured.

I sat upright and opened the card. A check was safely nestled in the middle. “Arlene, I told—?”

“Nothin’ wrong with having something to start with. You never know. Ever since your mama left you, Ray and I have been putting aside a little something whenever we could. It’s not much. But it should be enough,” she said and peeked at the check, then at my stunned face when I saw the three zeros. “Well, a bit more than enough.”

“ Arlene.”

“You’re takin’ the money. You need it more than Ray and me. So suck it up.”

I rested my head on her shoulder, looking at my round belly, knowing at least one thing for certain. Something I’d known for a long time since I was a child.

“Can I tell you something?”

“ Sure.”

“Thank you for being my mama.”