Chapter 69
SIXTY-NINE
SUTTON
- Present Day -
“ T hat’s where I was, when – when Jonah and I met for the first time. It was after. . . well, after the party that night, when you came to get me. I kinda hit a breaking point, literally.”
My mind flashes back to another hospital room, not unlike the one I was just discharged from.
“I don’t – I don’t really remember everything.
My therapists said it’s not uncommon to block out memories that are rooted in trauma, but I guess Mom found me unconscious on my bathroom floor.
. . and when I woke up in the hospital, they said it was bad.
See, for all of my issues, I guess I never really thought I had a problem.
Even after everything, I still wasn’t skinny . ”
I wasn’t like her.
“But then, if nothing else was gained from everything I went through, I guess I found that that isn’t uncommon.
You can still have disordered eating and not be stick thin.
And there’re lots of different types of eating disorders out there.
More so than I realized at the time, anyway.
You see, I didn’t – I was sure I was fine, that I didn’t have a problem, I had it under control but I guess whatever I was doing to myself really messed things up internally.
My electrolytes were all fucked up, and it messed with my heart and some of my other organs.
That’s why Mom found me the way she did. ”
Mom .
The thought is a painful one. Mom and Dad were so hurt by everything that happened, I could see it on their faces even though they tried to hide it from me.
They thought it was their fault. That they did something wrong.
But they never stopped loving me through it all, even at my worst, they still supported me every step of the way through my hospitalization and treatment.
Even when I fought them on it. And after, when I begged them not to say anything, begged them to keep it just between us.
I knew they didn’t understand, they thought I should have a bigger support system.
They didn’t truly understand why I wouldn’t want to tell Lena – or Cal – when they were the two closest friends I’d ever had.
But my parents kept true to their word, once they had spoken with my doctors and made sure they weren’t going to hurt me more by doing so, anyway.
God, I miss them so damn much it hurts. I wish they were here now. I wish I could talk to them about everything that’s happened, try to work out whatever this is. Mom would know what to do, she always gave the best advice.
“Anyway, I was sent to an in-patient treatment facility out of state, where I spent the rest of senior year and most of the summer after graduation.”
My mind flashes back to the ranch, quite literally a picturesque countryside inpatient facility with mountains framing the backdrop, and therapy animals. . . the whole nine yards.
“I managed to get my shit together enough to stay on track and start my fall semester on time. The facility coordinated with U of M to work out all the details so that I could retain my scholarships by starting with online classes. But Jonah -” I hesitate.
It’s one thing to open up about my issues.
It’s another thing entirely to open up about his complex family dynamic.
“Well, he was there visiting someone, and he happened to run into me. Not sure why, but he took an interest, pitied me maybe, and insisted that we become friends.”
“Jonah made my time there bearable. He gave me a reason to keep pushing forward on the hard days when I didn’t see the point in even trying.
And then, when I finally made it to college in the fall, he was there too.
Jonah’s been my biggest support, my cheerleader, every step of the way.
So really, it’s not – it’s got nothing to do with Jonah in the sense that there is something wrong between us or anything.
It’s just – Jonah and I? Well, I guess you could say we trauma-bonded, or whatever – our relationship started as the product of our circumstances, but over time it really developed into something so much more than that.
He met me when I was at my literal worst and to be completely honest, his life was pretty hellish too.
And after everything, after I lost you – or I guess, after I pushed you away?
Well, he became one of my closest friends. ”
I think of Lena, the pain it caused once she finally found out the truth after I had kept it a secret for so long.
But she didn’t need to carry my burden like that, and I couldn’t put that secret on her shoulders to carry alongside me.
Not if it meant asking her to keep that secret from her brother.
Especially not after I saw how difficult it was to put that burden of responsibility on my own parents.
“And then after my parents died – Jonah? Well, Jonah’s my person.”
I literally don’t know how else to say it.
He just is .
Sure, there’s always been that underlying attraction between us, but I’ve never wanted to risk losing him over something like that, and Jonah being the incredible man that he is – he’s accepted me where I am in the moment, wherever that may be at the time.
His friendship means everything to me, and yes, we’ve had our moments where we’ve both given in to this.
. . mutual attraction, but we always circle back to the fact that if something catastrophic happened, neither one of us was willing to risk losing one another over something as simple as physical attraction.
So he’s had his hookups over the years, the men and women who satisfy whatever need he occasionally has, and he’s held my hand through the stupidest decision I’ve made since high school, and then helped me move past it – no questions or strings attached - before we circled back to baseline with our friendship.
I stop, my words trailing off. I don’t know what else to say, without getting into the nitty-gritty of it all. Honestly, I don’t think I could talk through that hurt right now even if I wanted to.
“ God – Sutton .”
Blinking, I shift my focus back to the present, my gaze fixed on Cal - only to see his eyes swimming with tears; confusion, and hurt, and something else I can’t quite place written all over his face.
“ Why didn’t you tell me ?”