Chapter 22
The jumble of emotions I felt as I got out of Jameson’s car last night was not how I had hoped the date would end.
Part of me was still riding the high of how it felt to be touched by him. Another part of me was worried about Jess, though I knew deep down that she was in good hands and was fine. And another part of me felt guilty.
Guilty for being out when she needed me, and guilty for being so distracted all week that I somehow didn’t realize she was low on pumps.
I’m on the phone with Layla, who messaged me first thing this morning to ask about how the date went. I wish I could say.
Did I scare him off? Did I scare myself off? I let myself drown in guilt and worry after I got home late last night, convincing myself that I shouldn’t be dating at all. That I needed to focus on being a mom. I just finished telling Layla a summary of all those thoughts.
“Oh, no. Please don’t do that to yourself.
Look, I obviously don’t know what it’s like to have walked in your shoes and sacrificed the things you have for your kid since you were practically a kid yourself, but you don’t need to punish yourself.
It was one slip-up, and as you said, she’s fine.
Who knows if having a guy on your mind was even what caused you to forget?
You just had a busy week. You take care of your daughter by yourself, you work lunch almost every weekday, you’re taking classes, and you’re doing real estate on top of it all. Anyone would have some slip-ups.”
I sigh. “I know you’re right. I just…”
“You’re scared that it went so well and now you’re being a chicken and using this as a cop-out?
“No…?” I say very slowly, practically singing the end of the word.
“Fine then. Jameson must be a terrible date, terrible kisser, smells terrible, and you hate Scottish accents.”
“Irish,” I correct her.
“Yeah. Irish.”
I sigh again, fiddling with one of the fake orange leaves on my dining table centerpiece.
“None of those things are even remotely close to true. On the contrary, he might be too good to be true. I don’t even know what he’s doing with me.”
“Don’t you dare go there. He’s a grown man, he knows what he wants, he went after what he wants, and guess what? That something is you. Accept it, baby.”
I laugh into the phone. “This is the best pep talk I’ve ever received. Thank you, Layla. Where have you been all my life?”
She sighs wistfully. “Liam still asks me the same thing every day.”
Before we hang up, we make loose plans for another brunch soon, and she fills me in on how they’re doing. Nothing really new or exciting, but blissfully happy, of course.
I tilt my head back and take a few deep breaths after I say goodbye. Visions from last night play through my head so vividly I can almost feel his firm hands gripping me from behind, pulling me closer. I can see his blue eyes staring into my soul.
I whip my head forward and run my hands down the sides of my face, pulling at my cheeks and releasing a groan. I probably look like a crazy person, but I’m trying to shake the thoughts of him away.
He texted me last night, about an hour after I got out of his car.
He wanted to make sure I was okay. I responded, told him everything was fine, and then said goodnight.
Even after that, I’m still afraid I scared him off.
My life isn’t the messiest in the world, but it's not wrapped up in a pretty, clean package either.