18 I’ve found happiness, but I can’t stay
18
I’ve found happiness, but I can’t stay
Benjamin
“Are you alright?”
I looked away from my own plate and at my sister. As in recent weeks, she was still pale and thin. Her dark hair was dull, as were her eyes. So different from the girl full of life and dreams I used to know.
But I shouldn’t be complaining. At least she wasn’t in bed. She was trying to eat. She was talking.
“I am, Abby. Are you?”
Abigail nodded almost imperceptibly. “I’ve been thinking about Dad all day.” She stared at the peas in front of her, playing with her fork. “Do you think he died because of guilt?”
I hadn’t expected that question. Two months after my father’s death, I tried not to think about him, to focus on the endless amount of work I had to do. However… Abigail’s hypothesis had already crossed my mind. When Barney wanted to enlist, my father talked to him, tried to talk him out of it, even though he knew it wouldn’t help. Barney was a stubborn man with strong opinions. My father knew that, so he bought his commission and said goodbye to his firstborn.
“Abby, I really think that…”
“I understand that you don’t want to talk about it.” Abigail sighed very slowly and met my gaze. “I understand that it hurts. But… I don’t know, I think talking might do us some good.”
I didn’t know if I agreed. For my part, I just wanted to move on. To try. There was too much weight on my back. I didn’t even see myself as having the right to complain, to feel. What was the point? Barney had died as a hero. My father was gone, leaving me the legacy of his entire life. Leaving Abigail in my care. I couldn’t let them down.
“So speak up, Abby. Say what you want, I’m all ears.”
Abby lifted the corner of her lips, but there was so much sadness in the gesture that I felt my heart break in two.
“I heard the butler say that Mr Spencer was here.” She changed the subject.
Silently, I thanked him.
“Yes, Jack wanted to see how we were doing.”
“He’s your loyal friend, isn’t he?”
I shrugged, but I couldn’t disagree. “I think he’s the only one. Well, I have other close acquaintances, but Jack is the only one I trust.”
And the only one who bothered to ask how I was, even though we weren’t in pleasure dens.
Another nod. “Why don’t you enjoy his company and go out for a while?” Abigail suggested. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you do something other than working since before Dad died.”
She wasn’t wrong. Abigail knew me well; she knew that I liked to enjoy my nights of partying, travelling without a date to come home. However, I couldn’t do that anymore. My life had changed, and I had other priorities now.
“I can’t, Abby.”
“Why not? Just because all this has happened doesn’t mean you have to stop your life, darling.”
Now she was very wrong.
“I don’t have time. There’s a lot of work at the newspaper; the title also demands time, apart from other responsibilities.”
Abigail sighed again. “Like me? I’ve been quite a burden…”
Her words hit me like painful blows. Immediately, I stood up and walked over to her, pulling out the chair next to her and settling down, taking her hand.
“You’re not a burden. You’re my little sister.” I felt my throat catch. “The only family I have.”
Abby blinked back tears, her chin trembling.
“I want to get better, Benjamin. I’ve been sunk in melancholy, but I want to get better.”
“I know you want to, Abby.”
She sniffled. “I just… I didn’t imagine losing them so soon. I miss Dad and Barney immeasurably.”
I knew she did. I missed them too.
“Little one, you don’t have to explain yourself. I understand.”
Her gaze seemed lost. “I want to get better, Benjamin” she repeated. “I want to and… I must apologise to you.”
“Apologise?” I couldn’t understand it. My sister didn’t have a single reason to apologise.
“Yes, I apologise. It’s not fair on you. You’re still here and you’re dealing with the same situation, trying to be strong.”
I nodded, bringing her hand to my lips and kissing the cool skin.
“Yes, I am. I’m not going to let anything fail us, Abby. I will honour their memory; I will protect you. You can trust me.”
Abby brought her hand up to my face and stroked it.
“I hear you talking about honour, Benjamin. Honour and duty. What about your happiness?”
Once again, I didn’t know what to say. “I’m happy to see you well. Don’t worry about me.”
Abby didn’t cry, though. She straightened her posture, took a deep breath, and told me: “Dad wanted us to be happy. The three of us. That’s why he allowed Barney to fight.”
She was right. My father knew each of us well. In his own way, he always wanted us to be happy.
“Grandmother taught me that if you wish for something hard enough,” Abigail continued, “the wish comes true. I wish you happiness, Benjamin. May we both be happy, despite everything.”
I didn’t answer, just nodded.
Of course, I wanted to see Abby happy. Healthy, as well. But she was being a dreamer, perhaps because she had faced so much pain.
I preferred to keep my feet on the ground. Everything had gone so wrong recently, who was to say it wouldn’t get worse? I just wanted to keep going. But I liked the discreet glint I saw in my sister’s eyes. Somehow, her words were a start.
I would let Abby believe whatever she wanted to believe. I’d let her dream. If she wanted to, she could have all the hope in the world. Even though I didn’t have any.
I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, taking a while to remember where I am. The soft, sweet smell of Isabella’s hair brings me back to reality. We’re lying on our sides, her delicate back resting on my chest. I smile slightly, remembering what happened hours before.
I really am a scoundrel, but I don’t regret what we did. It was intense, sweet, hot, all at the same time. I’ve never felt like this, so relaxed and satisfied. Well, at least while I can ignore what’s about to happen.
Slowly, I move away from Bella without waking her. I sit on the bed, resting my feet on the floor, and run a hand through my hair. It’s funny that I dreamt about my sister, the only reason I want to go back to my own time, just when Bella and I gave ourselves to each other.
The only reason. There’s no denying that truth. Not anymore.
Restless, I put on my joggers and walk to the kitchen for a drink of water. Duke notices me and wags his furry tail without getting up from his bed.
“ Sshh , go back to sleep.”
He blinks and closes his eyes when I stroke his ears. Apparently, the dog didn’t take offence at being kicked out of the room earlier. Not that I was worried about it.
I pour myself some water, lean my hip against the sink, and think.
I think about everything at once. Of Isabella, of the night we had tonight. My days here in London, how much they’ve changed me. I think about my parents, my brother. And then I think about Abigail and the intriguing lack of information about her.
I sit down on the sofa and pick up Bella’s computer, opening it in my lap. Duke gets up and walks over to me, jumping up next to me and resting his head on one of my thighs.
“Let’s see if we’re lucky today, Your Grace,” I whisper, typing my sister’s name into Google.
Once again, as in all the previous searches, I find nothing but superficial information about her. Abigail Melissa Waldorf seems to have disappeared from history as if she were someone insignificant.
It kills me inside.
As I am now thoroughly awake, I decide to carry on researching. I decide to take a closer look at what I can find about the Daily . There isn’t an infinite amount of information, but at least I can see that the newspaper has prospered. Jack’s name appears from time to time among the available articles. As far as I can tell, it was Cornell’s case that gave the paper its visibility. He was tried and sentenced to hang for treason and attempted murder. I wonder who he tried to kill after he was found out. There are more stories about denunciations made, some including noble ones. I can’t find, however, the reasons why he went out of business.
Then, I type my own name. Each letter feels like torture; I can’t explain exactly why. It’s strange. I’m here, but I’m checking my past, so many years ago, but for me, it was yesterday. I wonder if the past will change when I return. If, when someone types in my name after 21 December, there will be a date of death or new relevant information.
I run a hand through my hair, putting the computer aside. I’m nervous now, restless. In a few days, I’ll be dead. Not in my reality, but in this one. Just as I am in mine today, but not here. Argh , I get a headache just thinking about it.
“Ben?”
I look up to find Bella in the doorway, her dark, loose hair a mess. So beautiful and perfect. I think she’s the most beautiful woman who has ever crossed my path.
“Did I wake you up?” I ask.
“No, but I turned over and realised you weren’t in bed. I saw the light from the computer out here. Are you alright?”
Always concerned and attentive, my Bella.
“I dreamt about Abigail.”
Bella presses her lips together, still reddened by my kisses. She moves closer and sits down next to me. Duke continues to lie on my lap as if I were the most comfortable pillow in the world.
“Do you want to talk?”
I take her hand and caress the soft palm with my fingers. “I often dream about episodes from the past. First, it was my grandmother, then my father, now Abigail. They all seem to send me a message. It’s very intriguing.”
“What are your memories now?”
“Abigail and I sat at the table after everything had happened. She wanted to heal from her melancholy. I swore to protect her; I swore to be by her side.”
“And what else?”
My gaze and Bella’s meet.
And she wanted me to be happy. I don’t say the words out loud; I just think them. However, looking at Bella, her face crumpled with sleep, feeling the affection in every gesture towards me, I realise that I am happy. Despite everything, inside me, next to her, there is happiness.
It’s an irony without equal. My sister’s wish came true. I’ve found happiness, just as she wanted. But I can’t stay. Because she needs me. Because I swore to protect her.
“I decided to look up Abigail’s name again. I couldn’t find anything, so I searched for the newspaper, and then my own name. It didn’t do me any good.”
“If it’s not doing you any good, don’t you think it’s better to avoid it?”
She’s right, it makes perfect sense, but sometimes the doubts overwhelm me so much that I just can’t help myself.
“You’re right. I’ll calm down; we only have a week.”
Bella doesn’t smile. Only after the words come out do I realise what I’m saying. I stroke her soft cheek, analysing her delicate face.
“I have to go back, Bella,” I whisper. “For Abigail, I have to.”
Bella agrees with a soft nod. “I know you need to.”
“I really hope she’s alright,” I confess. “I hope it’s not too late.”
Bella doesn’t say anything; she just lays her head on my shoulder. I kiss her hair, enjoying the happiness as long as I can, trying to keep every moment of it in my memories.
“I’m going to miss you so much…” she murmurs. “And do you know why?” Bella stands up and looks at me, sighing. “Because I feel like it’s going to work out. That you’ll come back. I feel like it’s going to be OK.”
Will it? On the one hand, yes. If I go back, my sister will be safe. On the other… I’ll be alone again. Without Bella.
I don’t ask permission when I pull her into a kiss. Bella presses her mouth to mine, opens her lips and allows me to explore her, to dominate her. I don’t know how long we stay there, just kissing, feeling each other, calmly.
As we lean away, Duke grumbles in my lap and jumps off the sofa, drawing laughter from both of us.
“Duke, today’s not your day…” Bella jokes and looks at me again. “Do you want to go back to bed? I’m not sleepy anymore.”
I don’t dare refuse. I just take her in my arms, and we go back to the bedroom.