21 If I could
21
If I could
Isabella
I wake up early, before Ben, and run to the supermarket near my house, where there’s one of those kiosks where you can print photos on the spot. I want to surprise him. Benjamin is leaving tomorrow and, although I’m trying hard not to fall apart, I want him to take a souvenir of me with him. Something that, if he suddenly feels like it, he can look at again and again.
We’ve taken a few photos over the last few days, and I’ve picked out my four favourites. The first is the selfie in front of Big Ben. I’ve also selected the selfie with my sister and brother-in-law, a photo of Benjamin with Duke, and one of the three of us.
I scan the QR code and order two copies of each, for myself too. While I’m waiting, a lady approaches me from behind, waiting for me to finish using the machine.
“How beautiful… is that your boyfriend?” she asks, pointing to the picture of me and Benjamin.
I wish…
I think for a moment before answering. “Yes, it is.”
I’ll never see this lady again in my life, so I don’t see a problem with lying. I can’t just say that he’s my lover who will travel back in time tomorrow and disappear from my life forever. I can’t confess to her that he’s the man I love even if it’s impossible for us to end up together if I haven’t even had the courage to tell Benjamin himself. Boyfriend seems like a simpler answer.
“You’re both lovely.”
I smile, although I bleed inside. Yes, you’re right, we match in every way. I very much doubt that there is, or ever will be, anyone more suited to me than Benjamin. If it weren’t for the two hundred years’ difference, everything would be perfect, a fairytale. What a bummer.
The photos are printed, and I take them, saying goodbye to the little lady with a kind smile.
I’m halfway home when I feel my phone vibrate. It’s my mum, video calling.
“Mum?” I answer with concern. “Is everything alright? It’s 5am there.”
“Hello, darling. Oh, yes, it is. Yesterday, I was very tired and slept very early, so I ended up getting up early. I thought you’d be awake.”
Well, if I hadn’t been, she would have woken me up, wouldn’t she?
“And how are things going over there? How’s Zé?” I’m referring to my stepfather.
“All fine, thank God. What about you? What about the new boyfriend?”
I frown. “Boyfriend?”
She makes a condescending expression.
“Laura has already told me that there’s a handsome Englishman in your life.”
I roll my eyes immediately. Laura and her big mouth! “It’s nothing.”
“Of course it is, your sister showed me the photo. The four of you looked beautiful. My darling, isn’t the man handsome? Worthy of that TV series you love.”
She keeps praising Benjamin. Although I agree with all the compliments, if I didn’t know it was early in the morning in Canada, I’d call Laura right now to scold her for not minding her business.
“Mum, Benjamin is a friend,” I say when she stops talking.
“Friends can become lovers.”
“But not us – he’s leaving tomorrow, never to return.”
My mum lets out a resigned sigh. “My God, Isabella, how dramatic you are. Instead of being a writer, you should think about being an actress.”
I have to stop myself from answering. It’s not dramatic to suffer because the great love of your life is leaving.
I change the subject, asking how my grandmother is. My mother starts chattering about the old lady’s doctor’s appointments, her medication, the neighbour’s cat who disappeared for two nights and returned as if nothing had happened. At least I manage to get through the rest of the call without mentioning Benjamin again.
Not that I’ve stopped thinking about him. No, it’s an impossible task. I’ve spent the last few days wanting to cry, to scream, to beg him not to leave me. I really wanted to rip my heart out and throw it in the middle of the Thames to make it easier to deal with. Because I can’t lose myself. I can’t make it difficult for him. Benjamin has suffered enough, and I know that he’s as shaken by his departure as I am. Not to mention that I’m a woman living in 2022. Abigail wasn’t lucky enough to be born at a time when the world is a little fairer. When I stop to think about her helplessness, I get a little ache on the left side of my chest.
I can’t condemn Benjamin for wanting to go back to protect her. In fact, I love him all the more for it.
He has to go. It’s just up to me to accept it and suffer for it; there’s no other way.
I hang up the phone with Mum as soon as I get into the flat. Duke welcomes me with a wagging tail, but I can sense that he’s sad. I believe that animals can sense our emotions, so that must be why. As I don’t see Benjamin around, I go up to the bedroom.
He’s still lying there stretching, looking like he’s just woken up.
“Good morning, Your Grace.”
Duke barks. We both burst out laughing.
“Not you, you little dog.”
Benjamin shakes his head. “Where were you?” he asks me.
“I went for a walk; I’m restless,” I lie. I plan to give him the photos tomorrow. I know myself well and I’m sure I’ll get a bit emotional.
“I could have come along.” Benjamin stretches out his hand, beckoning me. He always wants me around, always touches me with devotion and attention. How can I live without this affection from now on?
“We can go to the park if you like. It’s cloudy, but I’ve looked at the forecast and it’s not going to rain. We could even take Duke.”
Benjamin nods, kissing the back of my hand. “Give me a minute. I’m going to change.”
* * *
Benjamin
“Come on, you lazy little ball.”
I laugh as Isabella comes out of the flat, pulling Duke on a taut lead. My furry friend doesn’t seem excited about the walk in the park.
“Where are we going to go?” I ask, as soon as I lock the door and we start walking.
“A nearby park, it’s my favourite. You can see Greenwich from the other side, and it has some nice benches to sit on.”
Today, 20 December 2022, is my last day with Bella. Tomorrow we’ll catch a 9am train to Bath and I’ll try once again to get back home.
I don’t know what to feel, nor do I want to think about it. I’m holding in and ignoring as many feelings as possible. Perhaps managing my responsibilities and putting my own life to one side was training for what I’m doing now. A mere glimpse of what I would have to face. I thought being a responsible head of household, duke, and guardian were difficult tasks. But nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to the difficulty I’m having in accepting that I have to abandon Isabella.
“What’s going through that brilliant mind?” she asks me as we make our way along the road.
I already know her well. Isabella is trying to be strong, trying to make things easier for me.
“I’m thinking,” I reply. “A lot has happened.”
She nods but doesn’t continue. I’ve always believed that silence, depending on the situation, can be more enlightening than a long speech. That’s what’s happening to us now. There’s nothing to say.
Or there is, but perhaps it hurts too much to do so.
A few minutes later, we arrive at the park. There is grass on the right-hand side, trees with huge trunks and dry branches, and some dried leaves on the ground. On the other side, iron benches are lined up, facing the river.
Bella lets Duke off the lead as soon as we choose one of the benches. Bouncing around, the chubby little creature starts sniffing the frosty grass and chases a squirrel he meets on the way. Bella and I settle down. As usual, there’s a little plaque on the iron backrest.
“Jones Family,” Bella reads aloud. “In this one, they’ve honoured an entire family. I confess I like the plaques for couples better.”
“It’s more romantic. It suits you,” I say, and she nods in agreement.
“You know, I… started writing a story.”
I look at her, surprised. “When?”
“Whenever I’ve been free. I didn’t say anything because it’s no big deal – I only have two chapters, and I haven’t edited or revised them, but I used your idea. About time travelling.”
I smile, taking her hand. I’m happy for her. Writing is important to Isabella. Her beautiful eyes sparkle every time she talks about putting pen to paper.
“Tell me,” I ask.
Bella takes a deep breath, looking excited. “Well, I haven’t decided everything yet. I’ve drawn up skeleton chapters, and I think I’m going to follow a romantic comedy line. I’ve never been much for drama; I prefer lighter, cute stories. But I thought about…” She stops.
“Tell me, Bella.”
Bella sighs. “Well, he’s a hot duke, he arrives in the future, but he has to go back because his sis… cousin depends on him. He meets a girl who has some problem I haven’t decided on yet, and she helps him figure out how to get back. A few steamy scenes in between, maybe something raunchy in the bathtub. There we have our plot.”
Very original, her story.
“I imagine the duke has riding boots,” I tease.
Bella nods. “Of course, they’re essential.”
I laugh. “Basically, you’ll tell our story.”
She lifts her shoulders. “Slightly inspired.”
“And the ending?”
“A happy ending, of course.”
The tone of Isabella’s voice breaks my heart.
“What will happen to them? Will she leave with him, or will he decide to stay?”
Isabella opens her mouth to speak, but we are interrupted by her mobile phone vibrating.
“It’s my father. Can I have a minute?”
“Yes, of course.”
Bella stands up, looking around for Your Grace.
“I’ll check on him,” I say, and she walks away, talking to her father. “Duke! Come here,” I call, turning round a little.
Duke obeys and starts running towards me. I bend down to play with him, stroking his furry ears.
“Your Grace will be missed,” I say to him, as he sticks out his tongue. “Will you miss me, Duke?”
He wags his tail.
“Look after her for me, OK? Make sure my Isabella is happy. Be there when she needs a hug. Can you do that?”
He seems to be smiling now. How silly of me to think that the dog is smiling at me.
But it’s true what I say. I’m going to miss many things about this current London.
The ease of communication, the brownies. The puppy who has been my companion for the last few days, the comfortable jeans. I look at Bella, who is pushing her hair out of her face, trying to keep it out of the wind. Her. The face I’ll never forget. The owner of my heart. The woman I love…
I control myself, once again stifling my feelings. But it’s Isabella, my Bella , who I’ll miss the most.
She switches off her mobile phone and comes back to me, sitting down again. The cool breeze hits us, and I can smell her soft perfume.
“My father is coming to London,” she says.
“Really? When?”
“Christmas. He’ll stay until the 30 th . Can’t spend New Year’s Eve with me, but that’s something.” She smiles. “He says he’s made a list of what we can do and what he wants to see. I’m going to be out on the streets all day.”
“It’s going to be good. I can tell you miss each other.”
She nods. “Do you miss Abigail?”
I nod. “I do. A lot.”
We both face the buildings of the Greenwich neighbourhood on the other side of the Thames. We can’t see everything, as the mist covers the tops of the old towers, like in an impressionist landscape. But it’s a beautiful scene.
Melancholy, but beautiful. Almost a reflection of how we are.
“That day in the bath, when you asked me if I’d live well in your time,” Bella stares at me again, “was that an invitation?”
I keep looking forward. My hands cling tightly to the bench beneath me. “If I say yes, will your answer change?” I finally look at her.
“No, it won’t. There’s too much to consider. I can’t just think about myself.”
Just as I imagined, although I feel like I’ve just been punched in the stomach. “I wanted to… I wanted to ask you, but I thought…”
“That would only make everything more difficult.” She moistens her lips. “I know, I know. I wanted to ask you to stay too.”
The words are direct, harsh, and capable of knocking me over if I were standing up. I rub my eyes, suddenly exhausted.
“Would you live well here?” Isabella asks. “If things were different.”
I confirm without even thinking about it. “If things were different, I have no doubt that I would be immensely happy here. With you.”
Bella takes a deep breath before pulling me to her and kissing me. Her tongue seeks mine, eagerly, and I feel that in this kiss all the unspoken words between us become clear. She doesn’t see herself as having the right to ask me to stay, even though she wants to. I don’t see myself as having the right to ask her to go, even though I want to. However, the answer would be no anyway. Our lives are too opposite to merge. Yes, we collided, but only to split up later.
But even with all the heartbreak that this separation causes me, it was still worth it. Because I got to know her. Because of what she showed me and what she made me feel, I’ll never forget.
“I want to tell you a lot of things, my love,” I say, resting my forehead on hers, “but I’m afraid it will hurt us even more.”
“Don’t say it, then. You don’t have to.”
But I’m not sure I’ll be able to hold on to them until the end because they suffocate me.
A while later, we return home. Isabella takes Duke off his lead, letting him go. She looks at me, coming closer.
“What do we do now?” Bella asks.
I stroke her cheek, my chest already tight with longing. “May I make love to you?”
Her eyes are instantly moved, fixed on mine. When Bella consents, just like the other night, I carry her into the bedroom once more.
One last time.