Falling Together in '96

Jay’s Journal

JAY’S JOURNAL

Today. It ended up being today. I wanted to wait, I don’t leave for another week or so, but today Diana asked me to wait for her. And it broke my heart to say no.

But there is a wider world out there, and we both need to see it.

I need to see it. I can’t stay with Diana now because I would never know if I am doing it because I am afraid I won’t find another woman like her, one that will accept all of me.

I can’t stay with Diana not knowing if I am doing it because she is comfortable.

I don’t mean because of all the things the Blakes have done for me and my family.

I know that’s always been separate from us.

It’s like, since I have only been in love once, I don’t know what flavor this is.

I think once we see the world and taste other flavors, if we find our way back to each other, then it was meant to be.

I always think back to that time Diana, Julia, and I came across a fallen bird's nest. I wanted to stick around and watch the baby bird hatch because I thought it’d be cool. Diana told me we shouldn’t, because the baby bird would imprint on whoever it saw first and think of them as their mother.

Diana was the first love to find me. And while obviously I don’t see her as my mother, I do see her as a place of safety and comfort.

So kinda the same thing I think. I can’t help but wonder if that’s the part of me that insists on staying with her.

And since Julia is her sister, I am losing my other best friend.

I’m losing the little corner of the world we’ve built for ourselves.

What if I can’t find another one? There is a part of me that says “be thankful and take what you can get.” I know I am different in so many ways, and it will be hard for me to find a place to fit.

But I also can’t help trying. I guess Mama is right that I am stubborn.

Mama is worried as hell about me going all the way to California, especially now with the Julie Williams and Lollie Winans murders.

Even three years later, the Brendan Teena murder has her terrified.

Mama keeps an ear out for those things. She says if we are hearing about white queer people being murdered, there must be tons of people of color being murdered that no one reports.

But I have to believe there is more than just pain waiting for me out in the world.

Otherwise what was the point of my parents risking it all and uprooting themselves to come here?

There’s also hope in California. I mean San Diego’s last Pride alone was huge.

Things are changing, I can feel it, and I just want to go out and see it. Be a part of it.

Selena always knows. Back to listening to “Como La Flor” until my ears bleed…

Signed,

Heartbroken, but not broken, Jay