1. Michaela #2
Even now Michaela had trouble working through all of that.
What she did know was that it made her consider all the times she’d envisioned herself being pursued and wooed by her lover.
Her focus had solely been on the woman in question.
Michaela was attracted to women in theory, but there had always been something holding her back from them, a weird ugly feeling that had only grown as she had.
It made her want to repel girls and women while still being fascinated by them.
Still, when she watched swooning women get their Prince Charming, she was interested in both the gesture and the woman, an idea that had taken a long time to compute.
She had never known a woman to act like a prince.
Perhaps more illuminating was the realization that not only did she find herself attracted to every romantic heroine, she envisioned herself as them as well.
I was technically born as a boy.
Michaela had ventured back to the library, a place that had always provided her with what home could not, and after trying to figure out what she was looking for, had come across Judith Butler, who happened to be a professor at Berkeley.
Her works were further confusing and informative, and she knew she wanted to explore them more once she got to school.
The day Jay had said those words was the day she had decided to refer to herself as Michaela, and she had told Jay so over email. She also said she wanted to learn more about Jay, hoped they could be roommates, and that she thought she’d been technically born a boy too.
Getting off the bus and walking the few blocks she had to get to Brian’s, Michaela took a deep breath.
All she had managed to do was reflect, but she still had no words for Brian.
She just knew she wanted to go to school; she wanted to learn more, discover more.
She would tell Brian she was going to school, tomorrow.
That decided, she unhooked the small metal gate and moved through the chain-link fence up the stoop, slipped in her key, and opened Brian’s door.
Michaela startled when she made it to Brian’s room to find him there.
Tupac Shakur’s voice thrummed through the space on top of a low bass, and Brian sat on the double bed they shared.
His head was in his hands. He looked up at her when she walked in, his dark eyes furious.
This was not the mood she wanted to catch him in.
Looking around the small room that only held a desk, chair, dresser, and door to a small closet, she saw that he’d pulled out her bags.
“What the fuck is this?”
Michaela swallowed thickly. It was now or never. “My stuff, I am moving out. Tonight.” Michaela tried to keep her voice strong and resolute.
“The fuck you are, where are you going to go? Where do you even have to go?”
“I got into college, and I am going to go.”
“Not this shit again.” Brian shook his head. “What are you going to do at college? Don’t you get that no one will be able to deal with you the way I can? All your antics, dressing up and using makeup, your fake ass voice and shit. What do you think college is going to do with that?”
“My voice isn’t fake, this is how I talk,” Michaela said evenly, steeling herself and fortifying her spirit with the new words she had learned.
“You know that is not how you talk, that your gay ass thinks you’re a girl or some shit.”
“I am,” Michaela said quietly.
“What?” Brian said incredulously, standing up and walking towards her.
“I am a woman, Brian, and you’re gay, so this can’t work.” It was a risk. They never said Brian was gay out loud.
“What the fuck did you just say?” Brian’s voice was low and dangerous, and Michaela wondered if she’d make it out without a strike. He didn’t always hit her, but it happened, especially whenever they danced around the topic of homosexuality.
“I said, I am a woman and this can’t work. I am going to college, Brian.” His breath picked up and she knew he was trying not to hit her. Michaela didn’t break eye contact. She knew it was important not to back down.
His hands were likely fists. Taking a steadying breath, he said, “Fine. Get the fuck out. If that’s what you need to do to realize I am the best you’re ever going to have. You’ll be back.”
Michaela could feel hot tears in her eyes. His words sliced into her, exposing her fear that they might be true. “I leave tonight.”
“You leave right now.” Michaela had known that was coming. Fine. She could take an earlier bus and wait it out with her stuff. It’s not like she hadn’t been in that position when Brian had found her. She could absolutely do it again if it meant she was getting out of this place.
“Fine,” Michaela said, gathering her things.
Brian said nothing, he still stood in the same spot, but Michaela could feel his eyes on her.
It was possible he was bluffing. That was fine, because she wasn’t.
She knew she needed to do this, for herself, if she ever wanted the chance at more.
Still, a part of her, a part she hated, begged her not to go. To stay with Brian, to stay safe.
As if reading her thoughts, as she gathered her duffle and backpack and hoisted them over her shoulders, he said, “Yeah, go on and get the fuck out. All that’s waiting for you is sickness out there. Don’t you dare come back sick and dying because I’ll only tell you ‘I told you so.’”