13. Jay
JAY
“Please pass up your assignments from over the weekend,” the TA drawled from the front of the classroom the following Tuesday.
Jay mindlessly handed in the assignment she had worked on all day yesterday, having spent another weekend fooling around with the Collective folks.
So far, living with Davis and Iris had been a blast. While during the weekdays they were busy with various classes and assignments, they still made it to dinner every night, and sometimes Callie and Kevin had even come over after dinner to shoot the shit.
Having two additional people in the suite was also great, because Michaela had gotten a job—well two jobs, with Kevin’s connection for the library and one of the on-campus papers.
This was a win-win for both of them, but especially Michaela, who had told Jay that she had discovered through writing in her journal, that she had really liked it.
Jay was happy for her, but it also meant that Michaela was busier and home less during the day.
Ever the extrovert, Jay liked having either Davis or Iris or both at home during those moments.
Still, Jay also thought about getting a job.
Everything was paid for for her, and she had her summer job money from working on the Blake’s orchard, but she thought it might help her get to know more people.
“Alright, I mentioned at the beginning of classes that there would be a large number of group projects. Given the number of students here, I will have to put together one group of three, unless someone wants to do the work of two flying solo.” The TA laughed at the mere suggestion.
“I just wanted to give you a heads up that next class you will have your assignments. See you then.”
Jay could feel the blush starting to spread across her face.
She was nervous, but she had made up her mind and stood to make her way down to the TA.
As she walked her mind resurfaced what she’d been hearing from other students, hateful and hurtful things.
Sexist, racist, and a bunch of other isms. She shook her head, not even wanting to give the actual words space in her mind.
They’d hurt too much the first time; even if she knew there was hate out there, it didn’t make it easy to stomach.
What she thought would be worse, though, was if those words had been said to someone other than her.
She didn’t think she could stand hearing them said about Iris or Michaela.
Moving through the last remaining flood of students, she knew she stood out for a number of reasons.
She was a Brown queer woman in a sea of very white men.
But computers had always interested her.
It was like watching the creation and implementation of a whole language, orderly and yet creative.
She didn’t have a computer at home, but when she had started playing around on the one on the Blake’s orchard, she was hooked.
The concept of input and output, of getting out exactly what you put in, was an equal exchange she had rarely experienced in life.
Not till falling in love with Diana, at least.
“Oh, I’m almost done here,” the TA said, turning to her and then back to his pile of papers on top of the table that sat in front of the lecture hall. Jay was momentarily confused, until she realized he thought she was on the staff. Which was strange considering it was the middle of the afternoon.
“Uh, no, I wanted to talk to you about the group assignments.” Now it was the TA’s turn to look confused until Jay saw the moment realization struck him. His cheeks went slightly pink.
“Uh, sorry about that, yes, the assignment, what can I do for you?”
“I want to do it alone.”
“Pardon?” He stopped throwing papers into his bag and stood up fully, and turned to look at her.
“I want to ‘fly solo’ or whatever, I want to work on this project alone. Maybe all my projects when possible.”
The TA was silent. Then he pushed his glasses further up onto his nose and frowned. “I said that as a joke, it will be a lot of —”
“Please.” Jay hadn’t meant to plead. “Please? I know I can do it. I won’t ask for extra time, or extra anything, but I would rather work alone.”
The TA stopped and studied her, his brown eyes assessing behind his glasses, taking her fully in. “Is there a reason you can’t work with anyone?”
“I would really like this challenge to push myself and decide if this is a field that is suitable for me,” Jay said almost mechanically, having practiced the words the night before.
She had learned from Diana, that sometimes to get what you want, you have to make it seem like you’re the one sacrificing, even if what you want outweighs your offer.
“I am trying to see if this is suitable for a girl like me,” she made sure to use the word girl and not woman, “and I don’t want to drag down anyone else while I figure this all out. ”
The TA continued to stare, nodding slightly, as if Jay had helped fill in the blanks of what he’d been trying to understand. After all, she was probably one of the few, if not the only woman of color or queer woman of color he’d come across so far.
“Is there any other reason? Because you know, we are excited to have all students pursue—”
“There is no other reason,” Jay said hastily, putting as much meaning into her look as she could.
The TA nodded. “Okay, fine, you can be the solo flyer, but like you said, you won’t be given extra time or any other leniency.”
“I understand,” Jay said quickly, maintaining her eye contact so he understood that she did.
“Okay. What is your name?”
“I go by Juanita Flores, or Jay, if that’s easier,” Jay said, knowing he would find neither first name on his list. But, she guessed she may be one of the few “Flores” present in this specific class.
He wrote it down, nodding.
“Okay Jay, I’ll see you next class.”
Jay smiled at the use of her name, her nickname. Maybe he used it because he found it easier than Juanita, or maybe not. Either way, small victories.
“So what, you’re just going to do it all alone?
” Iris said indignantly. The class had been the last of the day for Jay, and so she’d walked back to the suite, where she figured Iris and Davis would finally be awake.
Neither had been home when Jay had decided to go to sleep, and Michaela had gone to bed about an hour earlier.
“It’ll be more work but I can do it, pretty sure.
I had time to look over the project specs, the syllabus, and everything,” Jay said, shrugging as she adjusted her weight, sitting back on her wrists.
She was on the shag, which she had begun to kinda love, across from where Iris was perched on the couch.
“Still Jay, that feels—”
“It’s okay. Look, I'd rather do it myself than get into a group that ostracizes me in any way, or subjects me to things I don’t need to hear,” Jay said, cutting Iris off.
She wasn’t that interested in defending her decision.
She’d already made peace with it before she’d gone up and made her request to the TA.
“Things we all don’t need to hear,” Iris said quietly. “Which is why you should talk to the TA. It's not right, you know, you—”
“And then what? The hearts of those people will suddenly change?” Jay countered.
“No but they should be held accountable! Things are changing Jay, on campus I mean. Ms. Cece has made a real effort to work with the staff and—”
“Look, I know, okay? But I need to do this my way. Best case scenario, those students are disciplined. But they are just the ones who I overheard. Maybe the only ones who said it out loud. What about the ones who kept quiet but agree? And what if those students are, what? Kicked out of class, out of school? They’ll just go be hateful somewhere else, Iris,” Jay said sorrowfully.
She was optimistic by nature, but she wasn’t deaf or blind.
She went to a high school in New England, for crying out loud.
There were so many different things about her, each one ammunition for people to project their fears and ignorance onto her in the form of harsh words and stares.
It’s the reason her parents were afraid of her speaking her own language for crying out loud; they didn’t want it to be one more thing people could hold against her.
Iris let out a breath that let Jay know she didn’t disagree with her, but hated it all the same. “And what is your way? Failing the class?”
“Who’s failing a class?” They both looked up to see Davis, freshly showered, hair still damp and face dewy. He held his shower kit in one arm and stood in a plain white t-shirt and basketball shorts.
“Jay is going to be doing a group project by herself because people are assholes,” Iris said, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Wait what? What class?” Jay explained that it was one of her intro computer science courses, and suddenly remembered that Davis was also a computer science major.
“I had to take that same class last year.”
“Yeah, well–”
“I can help you,” Davis said.
The thought had not crossed her mind.
“I don’t know,” Jay began, “isn’t that cheating?”
“Maybe, but what is your other choice? Work yourself to death while everyone else gets to share the work load? I bet you didn’t ask for any deadline extensions or anything, did you?
” Davis cocked a blonde brow, and Jay smiled sheepishly.
“I fucking knew it,” Davis said, shaking his head while Iris let out a scoff.
“Look, I appreciate the help, but I don’t want to cheat, I got here on my own merit and—”
“Blah, blah, blah,” Davis said, and Jay closed her mouth, taken back by this side of Davis.
She hadn’t seen the ferocity she currently saw in his eyes.
Not even when he was trying to convince Iris to move in with her and Michaela.
Now, his baby blues were ablaze. “I’m sick of this shit,” he said, looking over to Iris, who nodded at him as if to say I tried telling her.
“Look, you don’t feel safe in your own class, you don’t feel like you are safe working in a group, so now, to feel safe, you’ve decided to work alone. How is that fair?”
“I mean it’s not fair, but I am not doing it because it’s fair—” Jay began.
“Exactly, so you know it’s not fair. If you were me, and you could hide, or present a certain way, you’d be in a group like I was last year. No questions or problems.”
“But I’m not like you,” Jay said.
“Exactly. So why should you bear the burden of other people’s fears and insecurities?”
“I mean Davis, that’s how it works—”
“Yes and no,” Davis spat out. His face was now flushed, and she wondered if this was the same fierceness he defended Iris with.
Jay couldn’t help but warm at the thought.
“Yes, I’m aware of reality, and because of that I am offering you my help.
You are taking my help. I am going to give you an advantage that you otherwise don’t have, because the world can be shit, and so we do what we gotta do for each other.
That’s the point of us, of our community, of our Collective. ”
For once, Jay didn’t cringe at the group name. For once, it made her genuinely smile.