Jay’s Journal
JAY’S JOURNAL
I am having the best sex of my life, even if it's not like, sex sex.
And honestly? I am okay with that. I know I told Mickey that I would be okay if we never did more than kiss, and I meant it, I really did, but now that I’ve been to second base with Mickey?
God, her body is so incredible. She’s incredible, and I find myself wanting to explore every part, because so far when I do, my mind is blown.
Cue “Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind.”
Ever since we got to second base, it’s all Michaela and I seem to be able to do in our alone time together.
We have been discovering other things too, as we continue to talk through things.
She loves her hair pulled. She likes it better when I am in control most of the time.
And she loves kissing. Whatever that woman wants, I will give her.
The more we do it, the more I see her build on the bravery she showed on that first night.
I have been realizing that Michaela may be shy, but she isn’t prudish.
She goes for what she wants with me now, and it is so sexy.
The way she takes off her bra and lies down under me, baring herself to me?
I know it still takes courage and determination.
But it isn’t determination to please me.
She looks me in the eye. It's like, a determination to allow me to give her what she craves.
What she knows is already hers. I get hot just thinking about it.
Then there is just her body. Her dark skin, so soft and warm, her strong shoulders and arms. Her perky chest that, even though she is flat-chested, like me, somehow gives the illusion of cleavage. Like she would KILL a V-neck, and I hope she gets some the next time we go shopping.
Cooling it with the sex talk or this entry will have to turn into something else…
I am loving my time with Michaela, and I still find myself wanting to tell Diana and Julia about it. Julia as a friend and Diana as—what? Like I want to share it with her so she knows me still. These new parts of me that belong to someone new.
It’s strange, I keep thinking that the more I fall in love with Michaela, the less in love with Diana I will be.
But that’s not what has happened at all?
It feels like my love for Michaela is nestled right next to the love I have for Diana.
Like my heart is just containing both instead of letting one go, and I don’t know what to do about that.
I don’t know how to talk to Michaela about it either.
Things are so new with us and I do not want to rock the boat.
I don’t want her to think that I am comparing the two or that she somehow is less than.
Because that’s not the way I feel at all, I know that for sure.
What I don’t know for sure is what all of this means.
Diana and I have only been broken up for like, three months. So maybe I’m rushing. Maybe with more time my feelings will fade, but even just writing that hurts, like I don’t want them to.
Is it so bad to hold on to these two loves? They are so different, and yet I love them the same. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me not good enough for Michaela? I don’t think I am holding anything back from her, she has my heart. Is it so bad that she shares it?
Maybe more love to give,
Jay