Jay’s Journal
JAY’S JOURNAL
I’m happy to be back home with Papa and Mama, I’ve missed them so much and it feels good to be home. I can’t wait to help Mama make pierna navidena y tamales. I can’t wait for Papa and I to sneak a little more rum in her ponche navideno.
But I am devastated about how I left things with Mickey.
She still wasn’t even talking to me before I left, and I didn’t push because she asked for space.
I have no fucking idea where we stand. I don’t know if I am losing her or if I’ve already lost her.
Isn’t that what “space” always turns into?
A breakup? Maybe I am just the only one who doesn’t understand that they were dumped.
I hope not. Before I left, Davis said, “give it time.” Well we have no choice but to give it time with us on opposite sides of the country. It's agonizing.
I am thankful, though, to be with Mama. Nothing gets past that woman, but it wouldn’t take a detective to realize I am miserable.
Earlier today she painted my nails while I told her about Michaela and everything that happened.
It didn’t help that Mama painted my toes red, a color that now will always remind me of Mickey.
When she finished she gave me one of those pitying smiles and said, “I am happy that my girl has found love. I was afraid something awful had happened to you at school, you know I worry.” And while there have been bleak moments, like a whole class of people not willing to work with me, none of that feels as awful as my situation with Michaela.
She said, “This is why we came here, this is what I wanted for you. This is normal, my love. I know it hurts, I know it does, but this is the type of hurt that’s normal, so yes, I am relieved.” And then she gave me one of her hugs that always puts me at ease.
What is it about Mom hugs that feel so good? I needed it. Even if she had to tell me the truth and not all the things I wanted to hear, her hug made her words easier: “What’s meant to be will be, but you have to try.”
FUCK. It’s all I want to scream every second of every day.
I miss Mickey so fucking much.
I wanna know how she’s doing. I want her to lay her head on my stomach and tell me about her day. I wish I could hold her close, and let her know that she can spend future holidays with her new family. I wonder if she will go to Ms. Cece’s.
I know the Alliance members who stay over break go there, and I know there is a Brandon Teena vigil, held in honor of him and everyone else our community has lost. I wish I could hold Mickey through it and let her know I plan on always doing my best to protect her.
I am a fucking mess and I can’t stand it. I broke Mickey’s heart and I didn’t mean to! She doesn’t know how much I love her and that’s on me.
FUCK.
I miss her so much that I am reading Gilda Stories. It’s one of her favorite books, something she talks about all the time. Anything to feel closer to her right now.
Diana may be around this break, probably with Julia, doing whatever the hell rich people do over the holidays.
Before everything with Mickey, I thought it would be nice to see them.
But now, there is no way I am going to see Diana.
Something about it would feel wrong when my relationship with Mickey is so fraught, especially since we didn’t get a chance to talk about it before we left.
Plus it wouldn’t be a good idea while my emotions are all over the place. I may still love Diana, but I also love Michaela, who I am actually in a relationship with now. God I hope I haven’t lost it.
I may feel like an ass, but I have always believed you can’t help who you are. But maybe I can? If it means I get to keep being with Mickey, I think I can do anything. Maybe I should talk more to Bjorn or Kevin when I get back to school. Ask them about the polyamorous stuff.
I miss Mickey so fucking much.
I don’t know what’s going to happen when we are back, but I don’t wanna lose what I have with Mickey. I am hers and I need her to be mine.
I wanna keep waking up with her in the mornings.
I wanna keep stumbling in on her dancing in our room.
I want to hold her hand and never let go.
I want so many things with her. She makes me feel steady and light.
Grounded. The things that could shake me up at school don’t, because I get to crawl into bed with her and breathe her in. I don’t know how to let that go.
Jay