27. Jay
JAY
The whole way back to campus Jay had only had one single thought: get me back to Michaela.
She was nervous, unsure, but had figured out after weeks apart that she’d rather face Michaela than be away from her for one more second.
She had come back early, having spent Christmas and New Year’s with her parents, but was returning to spend the rest of break with Michaela, Iris, and Davis.
Stepping into the evening air, she didn’t even take time to appreciate the milder climate of Northern California over the frigidity of Vermont in January.
She hoisted her single duffle and embraced her tunnel vision for the path before her, from the sidewalk, to the front of their building, to their floor, and then thankfully, their suite door.
Jay opened the door hastily and had made it a few steps inside when she finally was in front of Michaela.
She had her twists up in a bun at the top of her head and was wearing a chunky sweater, a pair of sweats, and some fuzzy socks.
The sweater and the socks were new, and Jay wondered if Michaela and Iris had been shopping while she was home.
Jay watched as expressions flicked across Michaela’s face, none fully forming before being replaced by another.
“Hi,” Jay said, and she made sure the plea in her voice was present. She’d get on her knees and make any kind of promise to have Michaela back in her arms again. Even if that meant shutting a part of herself off.
“Hi,” Michaela said back. No one moved for a moment, but Jay took it as a good sign that Michaela had heard the door and came out of their room to meet her.
Jay slowly began to make her way into the suite.
Michaela followed from a distance behind her until they were both in their room, the thick tension between them following them like smoke.
It filled the room, and Jay found herself struggling to breathe.
She set the bag down on her side of the room, next to her bed.
She’d put her mattress back on the frame before break.
She turned to face Michaela, who leaned against her bed on the opposite side of the room, her arms crossed.
“Have a good break so far?” Jay said tentatively, mouth dry.
“Yeah.” Michaela shrugged. And just when Jay thought she was going to leave it at that, she said, “How about you?”
Jay spoke quickly, “Good, good. It was nice to see Mama and Papa.” Michaela’s eyes flicked away from her as she nodded her head and made a small sound in acknowledgement.
There was nothing else for a long beat. Jay thought she was going to burst from all of the things she wanted to tell Michaela.
I missed you. I love you. I want to be with you.
Please say we are okay. I don’t care what I have to give up to be with you. I’ll be whoever you need me to be.
Instead, Michaela said after a small sigh, “That's all? You didn’t see anyone else over break? Reconnect or—figure anything out?”
Understanding what Michaela was getting at felt like a ton of bricks in Jay’s stomach. “No, no, I only saw my parents. I mean, we—I didn’t want to–”
“Didn’t want to what?” Michaela urged, her brown eyes flicking back to Jay’s. Jay could see the uncertainty in them and also the fear. And then Jay knew, the tension all around them was fear. And maybe, she hoped, it was fear about the same thing.
“Mickey, I didn’t see Diana over break, if that’s what you’re asking.” Jay watched as Michaela’s shoulders slightly relaxed.
“You could have, you know, you said you had things to work out and I needed space so–”
“I did,” Jay cut her off. “Maybe I could have seen Diana, but I wasn’t ready to. Not without talking to you first. But I did work some things out, if you are ready to hear them.”
Michaela made a small head gesture as if to say, “go on.” Jay took a deep breath.
“Mickey, I want to be with you, and I love you. No matter how I feel or don’t feel about Diana, I’m not with her right now.
I am here, with you, and that’s where I wanna be.
And look, I can’t say I have everything figured out, but I know I want to be with you, and I know I’ll do anything to make this work,” Jay finished.
To her surprise, Michaela’s shoulders dropped even more, and Jay saw a pained expression fall across her face.
With a sigh, Michaela said, “I hoped you’d come back and say that—that you wanted to be with me, no matter what.
” Jay's stomach knotted because she could hear the “but”. Right on cue, Michaela continued, “But, now that I am hearing them, and you’re here, it makes me, I don’t know, sad. ”
Jay stared back at Michaela for a moment, trying to work out the direction of the conversation. “Sad?” she finally repeated, coming up with nothing.
“Yeah, sad,” Michaela said, finally unfolding her arms and using them to prop herself up while leaning back on her bed. “I don’t know Jay, I am so sorry for making you feel like you did something wrong or that there is anything wrong with you,” Michaela said slowly.
“You didn’t, I mean I did do–”
“No, you didn’t,” Michaela cut her off. “I was too close to it before or caught up in the moment before break. I didn’t know how to talk about it. But over break—well, you know me,” she said, smiling self-consciously. “I did some reading and writing and thinking.”
“Yeah, I grabbed a copy of Other Voices before break. Was afraid to read it, though.”
Michaela smiled at that admission. “Like I said, I have been thinking. You have a queer way of romantic expression. Of course you’d have to be a triple threat.
” Jay was pleased to hear a bit of genuine levity in Michaela’s voice.
“Not only queer in gender and sexual orientation, but how you love. Anyway, I know people who are different or misunderstood, like us, are always made to feel like they have done something wrong or are wrong. I never wanted to be like that. I didn’t mean to be, I am so sorry.
” Michaela sat up a little bit more, and Jay was touched by the emotion in her voice.
“It’s okay, I had the same reaction as you. I still feel like an asshole.”
“You’re not. I asked you, and you were honest with me,” Michaela urged. She sighed. “I reacted that way because it was like all of my insecurities and fears were coming true. I was afraid of losing you, of losing us.”
Jay leaned back a little on her bed, her knees feeling weak with a wave of relief. “I am scared of the same thing, Mickey, so scared you have no idea.” Jay felt her eyes welling. “Mickey, I love you, and I want us to be together—just tell me what I have—”
Michaela had raised her hands in a placating gesture.
“You don’t have to do anything but be you, Jay.
I am tired of all of us fighting and barely surviving to be us, fully us.
I would never ask someone I love to do that.
I can’t say I am fully comfortable or onboard yet,” Michaela clarified, “but if there is anything our relationship has taught me, it is that it's okay to discover things about yourself and experience them with your partner. It feels good to be supported by your partner through the process. I want to do that for you, Jay, like you’ve done for me.”
Jay closed her eyes as the tears fell. She could have never guessed this was how Michaela would react, but then again, she was Michaela, and she was glorious. Gathering herself, she looked up at Michaela. “Really?” Jay said shakily.
“Really. If there is anything I know about us, it is that I love being with you and when I am, I feel like it's us against the world.”
At that, Jay broke, crying and moving toward Michaela, whose longer legs carried her to Jay faster. They embraced, and Jay buried her face in Michaela’s chest. Jay was relieved as she held Micheala to herself: home.
Each day they had been apart, Jay had felt a new sensation blanket her skin. It was an itch, nothing too severe, but a need nothing in her hometown could scratch. Now the sensation was sated. Jay had Michaela in her arms and all felt right.
“I missed you so fucking much, Mickey,” she said into Michaela’s chest, and warmed as Michaela’s arms wrapped around her tighter.
“Same Jay, I missed you so much.” And Jay was glad to hear it. Jay thought they both were putting a lot more than I miss you into their reunion hug, and they stayed like that for what could have been minutes or hours; Jay didn’t care. She thought she could spend eternity in that moment.
But eventually, they did pull apart. As Jay wiped her face, Michaela said, “You have always said all you need is my happiness, and I want yours, too.”
“Thank you, Mickey,” Jay said, wiping her damp hands on her pants and looking up at Michaela. “I felt so crazy.”
“You aren’t crazy. You sound a bit like Bjorn at Thanksgiving, which should have been my first clue that what you were feeling was bigger than lust or residual feelings.”
Jay nodded and asked, “Can I kiss you?”
“Please,” Michaela said in a rush, lowering her head.
Jay cupped her face and brought their lips together, feeling her world complete and her heart mend.
Jay kissed Michaela with intention and fervor, and when Michaela deepened the kiss, Jay realized she needed to be as close to Michaela as possible.
She was suddenly aware that she was still wearing her jacket and travel gear.
She reluctantly pulled away and said, “Let me just shower and get changed. I want to be close to you.” And then, remembering the rest of the world, she asked, “Oh, Iris and Davis–”
“Are out,” Michaela said, a small glint in her eye. “Can I get in the shower with you?”
Jay smiled at the fact that Michaela didn’t want to be separated again, either.
Twenty minutes later, they were in Jay’s bed, lying on their sides facing one another, taking each other in. Jay was in basketball shorts and a tank, and Michaela had redressed in her comfy outfit,exchanging her sweater for her own tank.
“How was home?” Michaela asked, as if they needed to redo their initial conversation. Jay didn’t mind.
“It was good!” Jay said, brightly this time, because it had been, even if it had been a quick trip. “It was nice to spend time with my parents, even if Mama did chastise me for not calling and writing enough.”
Jay watched Michaela smile at that and then felt a small pang of guilt; she knew Michaela’s parents had never done that to her.
“How has it been here with Davis and Iris?” Jay said, wanting to hear about the good memories Michaela had potentially made.
“Such a riot, as you can expect. Not much work for them because of the holiday. Christmas with Ms. Cece and Ms. Edna was amazing. I have a gift for you, from them.”
Jay smiled at the pleasant expression on Michaela’s face.“What did they give you?”
“Outside of another amazing meal, these fuzzy socks and the sweater I had on tonight.”
“I thought that looked new! I thought maybe you and Iris had dragged Davis to the thrift stores.”
“Nope, they were gifts. I felt bad, because all I brought them was a poinsettia plant.”
Jay reached out to grab Michaela’s hand and squeezed. “Ms. Cece said they were her wife’s favorite flower, so I know she really appreciated it.”
Michaela smiled back and shrugged.
A silence settled over them, but this time it wasn’t tense or uncomfortable.
“So,” Michaela said eventually.
“Yeah?” Jay said, though she could feel her mouth grow dry.
“Did you really not see anyone else, other than your folks, for Christmas? I feel bad you didn't even see her sister—Julia, right?”
“I told you I didn’t see Julia, Diana, or anyone else. I was home mostly, and my parents aren’t as busy with the Blake’s this time of year. So I was mostly catching up with them,” Jay said, careful not to reveal the slight annoyance that had crept back into her.
“Still, I am sorry if you didn’t just because of me. Everything I said earlier, I really meant it all, I want you to be your full self with me.”
Jay warmed. While yes, Michaela had been a big part of why she didn’t seek out the Blake sisters, she wanted them to continue moving forward, so she offered some reassurance.
“I haven’t seen my family in months, and Christmas is a big deal for my mother, honestly also my father, so they wouldn’t have been happy either if I had run off to find other company.
Trust me. Besides, like I said, spending time with them was nice. ”
Michaela smiled. “Okay. In the future, let’s always talk about things—but I’m serious.”
Jay smiled. “Even if it makes me a selfish ass–”
“No more, Jay. Polyamory is a real thing. There is nothing wrong with you. Just like there is nothing wrong with whatever is happening with Bjorn, Kevin, and Callie.”
Jay let out a small laugh, because they both had yet to get the full story there. Jay figured they’d be getting it soon enough; Callie loved to share. “You know, the more I read about it and talked to both Iris and Davis about it, the less I was surprised that you’d be polyamorous.”
“What do you mean?” Jay asked.
“I feel like to be polyamorous, your capacity to love has to be big. Sure, it would be amazing to be someone’s one and only love, but when I think about what you and I have, I think it's amazing that you have the ability to feel this times two, instead of one. It must mean you have a really fucking big heart, right? And when I think about it like that, it is no surprise, because you do. You have shown me nothing but love. We are all sharing this well of love that is you, and I can’t help but be grateful I get to drink from it.
” There was another pause before Michaela said, “If I have learned anything since meeting you, it’s that love is essential, no matter what form it takes.
And,” it sounded like Michaela was steeling herself for a moment before she continued, “if you still want to know her, to talk to her, I would be okay if—well, you should reach out.”
Jay felt her eyes burn again and blinked away tears before grabbing Michaela’s hand and bringing it up to her mouth to kiss. “You and me against the world, Mickey. Thank you.”