Chapter 18 #2
Judd, George, and I finish recording the three songs.
They have to get the tracks mixed and mastered before they can go anywhere else.
I start thinking about who will hear the songs.
Judd wants to get them on the radio and he knows some DJs.
He knows some executives. I don’t know what Pete would think if he heard me on the radio, or found out Judd and George helped me.
I really don’t think he’d care at all. The only thing he cares about gets injected into his veins.
And Austin? He’ll know immediately who that first song is about. It’s the only way I can talk to him. Over the airwaves, in prose. He might not care, either. If he didn’t really hate me before, he does now. He has every right to. That’s what happens, I suppose, when you’re the Bad Angel.
One night, after putting Sunny to bed, I get some cigarettes and go out by the pool.
It hasn’t been swum in yet, because I need to clean some leaves out of it.
It shouldn’t be too hard, but I’ve never cleaned a pool before either.
I might need to find myself a pool boy. With my luck, though, the pool boy would know who I am.
He’d come onto me, and I’d have to tell him that I’m forever in love and forever loyal to someone I can’t ever have.
I will be celibate for the rest of my life.
I meant it when I told him that there was no one else but him. Nobody will ever compare.
“What are you doing out here?”
I startle and turn around. “Jesus, Sunny. You’re supposed to be in bed.” I put the cigarette out in the ashtray beside me.
“So are you,” she says, stepping out onto the pool deck.
“That’s fair,” I mutter, watching my legs dangling in the water. It’s lit up inside making the water a blue-green. I hadn’t really been looking for that feature, but it’s nice. Austin has the same kind of pool. I’m never going to be able to stop thinking about him, am I?
Sunny comes over to me and sits next to me, putting her legs in the water.
“You’re gonna get your nightgown wet, Sunny Side Up. And you’ll just have to change.”
“You’re getting your pants wet.” She points. “What’s the difference?”
“The difference is you’re a little girl that should be in bed because you’ve got school tomorrow.”
“I can’t sleep. And smoking’s bad for you.”
“You’re telling me.”
“What’s the matter?”
I glance at her, looking up at me questioningly. And that’s the question. That’s the one. I have a million answers. I guess it’s about time I told her the truth.
“I’m sad because the person I wrote that song for… we’re not together anymore.”
“Oh. Why not?”
“I know you don’t like this answer, but it’s complicated.”
Sunny gives that some thought for a moment. “Was she pretty?”
I sigh. “She… was a he.”
“What do you mean?”
I look at her. “I mean I wrote that song about another boy. Not a girl.”
She blinks at me, staring for a few seconds. “Really? Did you kiss him?”
“Yes.”
“Ew! Why would you kiss a boy? Boys are gross!”
I scoff at her. “Hey, I’m a boy.”
“No, you’re not! You’re my brother!”
I chuckle at her strange logic. “Okay, well, this boy wasn’t gross.”
She kicks her legs under the water. “Did he like you a lot?”
“Yeah.” I reach for the pack of cigarettes, and Sunny smacks my hand, so I put them down. “We both liked each other a lot.”
“So was he your boyfriend then?”
“You could say that, yeah.” I clear my throat. “See, boys can have boyfriends and girls can have girlfriends. It’s how things are sometimes. Some boys would rather be with another boy. And some girls would rather be with another girl. And it’s okay. They’re happy.”
She glances at me. “Were you?”
“Happy? Yeah.”
“But you’re not now.”
“I’m happy about some things. And some things I’m not. He’s one of the things I’m unhappy about.”
“What was his name?”
“Austin.”
Her brows pinch together. “He called for you one time. And I think another time too. I think it was his voice.”
“Yeah.”
She looks down at her toes wigging in the water. “I guess if he’s not gross then it’s okay you kissed him. I’m never going to kiss a boy, though. They’re all dumb.”
“As much as it pains me to say this, you’ll probably change your mind one day.” I pull my legs from the water and get up. I hold out my hand to her, helping her up. “Let’s get some sleep, okay?”
She looks up at me. “I don’t want you to be sad.” She puts her arms around me in a hug. A hug from Sunny is a rarity, and a hug from anyone is a need I didn’t know I had, so I enjoy the moment before I take her back inside and put her to bed.
I steal Lois a few days a week from Pete and Tamar. Not like they’re going to notice, and she always minds her business. Even though she knows what they’re doing in their bedroom all day.
But Sunny knows her, and she can do the grocery shopping.
I don’t have much to do when Sunny is in school, and I don’t want to be idle.
If I’m still, I’m thinking, and these days I’m only thinking about one person.
And when I think about him, I can’t help the ache I feel inside me.
Every day, I want to drive to Studio City and see if I might be able to bribe my way onto the lot.
Maybe I can catch a glimpse of him. But I don’t want to get murdered, and a part of me is afraid to see that he’s gotten completely over me.
He might even be doing Chad Dick in his dressing room.
The thought makes me ill, but why wouldn’t he?
He hated me for years. He’s probably figured out by now that this is better for him.
He’s figured out that these angels had different wings.
One day, while going through the boxes in my bedroom, I find the little velvet bag with the stones Timber gave me. I take each of them out, turning them over in my hand.
They help you find your way back, if you ever get lost.
The idea comes to me so quickly that I think it was probably there all along.
I go outside to that stretch of yard and walk heel to toe in a rectangle, trying to figure out if the space is as big as the garden at the retreat.
I find it’s plenty big. I could fit a large garden there.
Even a few small ones. But I’m not exactly sure how to go about it.
I have to make a couple of long-distance calls before I get a phone number for Timber.
He’s not home when I call the first time, but I leave my name and number with a woman I’m assuming is his wife or girlfriend.
He calls me back that evening after I’ve made Sunny some supper and helped her with her homework.
I have a million questions. He patiently listens and answers them. But then he interrupts me.
“I was just going to tell you that it’s a good thing you caught me. We usually ride out that way after we’ve closed the retreat for the season. Spend some time in San Francisco.”
“Who’s we?”
“Me, Canyon, and my life partner Daisy.”
“Life partner? So, she’s your wife?”
“We don’t believe in monogamy. Anyway, I’ll talk to Canyon first, but maybe we can take a detour.”
“Really? You’d do that?”
“Sure. It’d be great to catch up.”
“Wow, I’d really appreciate that. Can I send you some gas money?”
“Don’t worry about it. We’re leaving tomorrow. I’ll call you when we get into California.”
I never thought I’d see either of those guys again, and I get excited.
There’s a small guest house by the pool that looks big enough for three people to crash.
I tell Sunny about our visitors, and she helps me clean it out and arrange it, insisting that she put her little daisy blanket on the bed because there’s a girl named Daisy.
I get a little anxious because I’ve never had company before.
I’ve never had someone come visit me that was my company and not a bunch of junkies getting loaded in the basement.
I sit at the table with Sunny so we can come up with a list of things to get while they’re here.
I also write down some gardening stuff I should probably get before they arrive too.
They roll up on a Thursday morning in a VW bus while Sunny is in school.
I greet Canyon and Timber, who look exactly the same.
And Daisy… is definitely Daisy. She’s got them woven in her hair, printed on her top, and emblazoned on a necklace.
I show them the area in the yard and the tools I bought, hoping they’re the right ones, and they are.
“Yeah,” Canyon says, hands on his hips, surveying the spot. “You could plant all kinds of things here. Plenty of sunlight.”
Timber kneels and scoops up some dirt. “Clay soil. Tends to compact. Your best bet is some raised beds.”
“What are those?” I ask.
“You could put some flowers over here,” Daisy says, drawing a square with her fingers over the area. “Be the perfect spot.”
“Tomatoes would be good over there.” Canyon points to a spot. “Some squash right here.”
“I’m thinking,” Timber says, “three or four beds to start with.”
“I don’t know…” I say, and they turn to look at me. “That just sounds like a lot. I thought it would just be digging up the dirt and putting seeds in it.”
Canyon pats my shoulder. “Come on. Saw a place that sells lumber when we were driving up.”
“Lumber?”
We leave and come back with wooden planks, chicken wire, and bags and bags of soil.
They all seem to know exactly what to do, and they happily get to work.
I really didn’t think it was going to be this involved.
I just thought Timber and Canyon were going to give me some pointers and help me pick out a few things.
But they’re here, building me a garden. I hadn’t expected that at all.
I help where I can. Measuring and sawing.
Piling brush. Unrolling chicken wire. Time flies, and I’m almost late picking Sunny up from school.
I introduce her, and she smiles brightly at Daisy.
“I really like your name,” Sunny says.
“I really like your name too,” Daisy says.