Jake
Ihave to blink several times just to make sure I’m really seeing her and that this isn’t another one of my dreams. She is actually here, standing in front of me.
She’s suddenly back, looking even more beautiful than the last time I saw her.
Her hair is tied up in a bun, but I can tell that it’s longer from the strands that fall so effortlessly around her face.
Even from this distance with me sitting at the back wall, I can still see the hazel of her eyes as they sparkle in the dim light of the locker room.
They’re still the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever looked at.
Her curves are still just as I remember them, making me want to run my hands along her sides and feel her shudder at my touch.
The second she makes eye contact with me and immediately looks away, I’m brought back to reality.
Was she even remotely as miserable as I was?
Did her heart break into a million pieces just like mine?
Did she spend countless nights crying herself to sleep because the anxiety got so bad and she had no one to go to?
Her being here and looking so unbothered by my presence feels like a slap to the face.
It’s been ten years since the last time I saw her in person.
Those first couple years after high school, I was invited back to the Taylors’ house for the holidays, and even though Kailyn and I were on rocky terms after our break-up, I felt like I couldn’t say no to her parents' invitation.
She was dual enrolled in her junior year, and graduated at the same time her brothers and I did.
She ended up getting a full ride scholarship to UCLA and immediately took off that summer, never coming back, even for the holidays.
It’s been ten years since I’ve held her, listened to her angelic voice, seen that spark in her eyes when she talked, and felt peace when she was near me.
I remember everything about her. Every moment we stole, every kiss we shared, and every dream she had. She may not remember me the same, but I never forgot about her—even when I desperately wanted to move on from the heartache of never truly having her.
Those first few years after I left for college were torture without her. I tried to drown out my thoughts of her with other women and booze. I found anyone I could to bury myself in and drank away my feelings until I was just a shell of myself.
But it was never enough to forget.
It wasn’t until Brayden gave me a reality check that I finally snapped out of my slump.
I don’t remember the full details of the night Brayden found me because I was too drunk and out of it to remember my own name, but from what I was told, he found me in bed with a teammate’s girlfriend.
I never wanted to be that guy, the one who slept around and ruined other people’s relationships just because I was having a hard time dealing with the loss of my own.
Brayden took me back to his place that morning and let me sleep it off.
Once I was awake and had some coffee in me, I finally listened to him and got my act together.
It turns out I hadn’t actually slept with her, which was a huge weight off my chest. She had crawled into bed with me to make her boyfriend jealous, which didn’t work out so well for her.
The idea that I could’ve ruined someone else’s life because I refused to deal with my own grief and feelings was the wake-up call I needed.
It was also affecting my game on the ice, and I knew that if I ever wanted to even have a shot at the NHL, I needed to get my shit together.
I started going to therapy. With the encouragement of my friends and support from my dad, I stopped drinking excessively, and put my focus into hockey.
Since then, I haven’t slept with anyone else.
My therapist told me it was okay to move on, but it feels like she took away my ability to give myself to someone else.
I never thought that I would see her again, let alone get to truly find out why she broke my heart and left me to pick up the broken pieces of myself.
That is, until today.
I should be angry at her. I should hate her for breaking up with me and pushing me away with no explanation.
While a small part of me does feel this, I’m mostly feeling a sense of emptiness in my stomach and a hole where my heart should be.
She holds it in her hands, and I don’t know if I want it back.
Despite all of the heartache that transpired, I know that I’ll never regret those moments with her.
Seeing her today, and how beautiful she still is, I know that I couldn’t have forgotten her even if I wanted to. She was always the one that got away.
I’ve heard about her in passing from her brothers, stories of her life over the past ten years, and from my own personal internet stalking of her socials. I’m happy that she’s living her life and accomplishing her dreams like she wanted, because she deserves it for how hard she’s worked.
Connor bumps his knee into mine and whispers softly in my ear. “Hey, are you okay? You kinda turned a little pale there.”
Shaking myself out of my past thoughts, I whisper back to him. “Yeah, I’m good. Finally feeling fatigued from practice. Must be getting old, like someone I know.”
Connor rolls his eyes at me. “Keep it up, and we’ll see who’s really the old man.” We all love to tease him for being the oldest player on the team, and luckily, he plays along with us, never getting offended by our antics.
Coach clears his throat and brings our attention back to him.
“Go ahead and introduce yourself, Kailyn.”
She looks down at the floor, and a blush paints her cheeks. She then looks up and smiles, but it never reaches her eyes. Even though she hasn’t looked my way again, I can still tell there’s no sparkle behind them like I got used to seeing.
“Hi, everyone. My name is Kailyn Taylor. And before you ask, yes, Brandon and Brayden are my brothers, unfortunately.”
Her voice is just as I remember it, that soft honey-like tone to it, but there’s a shyness to her that didn’t used to be there. Somebody would only be able to catch onto it if they truly knew her.
“Like Coach said, I graduated from UCLA with my degree in kinesiology and sports medicine. I’ve worked with a couple youth hockey teams, as well as interned with the L.A. Warriors.”
I knew her career was going well, but I hadn’t realized that she had had so much experience with other teams. I wonder if she's kept track of me as much as I have her.
She had to have known I’d be on this team when she accepted the job right?
“Even with all of that experience, when I got the call from Coach Davenport about the position, I knew I wanted to come home. So I’m very excited to be working with you guys this season and seeing everything that you all accomplish.”
All of my walls go up higher than they’ve ever been.
She’s acting as if being in the same room as me, after everything we shared, isn’t affecting her as much as it’s affecting me.
If she’s going to be here and act like nothing happened, that she didn’t leave me and this ‘home,’ then our relationship didn’t mean as much to her as it did to me.
And part of me hates how much that affects me.
Brayden stands up and goes over to hug her, wrapping his arms tightly around her, lifting her up and spinning her around.
She laughs and then swats at his arm. “Put me down.” There’s no heat behind her words.
He sets her down and smiles brightly at her. Brandon follows behind, giving her a much more normal hug, but with no less love behind it.
“I’m glad to finally have you home, little sis,” Brandon smiles at her. She smiles up at him, adjusting his glasses on his nose and hugging him again.
“I’m really happy to see you both.”
A loud cough comes from the room, and they pull away to turn and see Beckett standing, staring at them with a smirk on his face.
“So not only do we have the coach’s daughter joining the team, but now our new doc is related to our forward and our defenseman? This just keeps getting better and better.”
“Glad to see the immaturity isn’t exclusive to just one team,” she teases, and the guys all hoot and holler as she claps back at Beckett.
“A girl that can sass me back? You must be after my heart.” He places his hand on his forehead like he’s gonna pass out.
“Sorry, pretty boy, you’re not my type.”
I don’t hear what Beckett says back as my ears start to ring again. She walked right in here and started bantering with all of the guys. Meanwhile, I can’t breathe because she’s taking the air from my lungs. I’m drowning with no way out. How can she still ignore me after everything we shared?
“All right, all right. Beckett, if you wanna flirt with anyone, feel free to do so with your left hand. As for the rest of you, you’re free to go.
Remember, you have the weekend off, and the season officially starts Monday.
I know you all are in it to win it this year, so be smart and I’ll see you all here bright and early Monday morning.
" Coach dismisses us as he walks out of the locker room.
“Monday? Our first game isn’t until Wednesday,” Blake, another one of the guys, asks.
“That’s because you all have mandatory physical evaluations with me starting Monday,” Kailyn states to the room.
“You have all been assigned a time slot, and with that, comes some ground rules. Coach Davenport has already given permission that if you miss your time, I’m allowed to bench you until you make it up.
If you lie to me about anything or try to weasel your way out of your physical, you’ll also be benched.
So, buckle up, boys, cause I’m hitting the ground running. ”
The guys all groan as they leave the locker room to head home.
I’m still in my seat, trying to wrap my head around her being here, standing right in front of me. The twins walk over to me as Kailyn approaches Emilia.
I finally get the courage to open my mouth when the twins stride towards me. “How come neither of you told me Kailyn was coming back home?”
“Honestly, it slipped my mind. We weren’t one-hundred percent sure what she would do. I figured I wouldn’t say anything until it was official, and by that time, we were so in the swing of things with preseason, I just forgot. Why?” Brayden asks, a hint of confusion lining his eyes at my question.
It takes everything in me to remain calm on the outside, when anger and hurt twist inside my stomach. “Just curious. I haven’t seen her in a long time, so it was a shock to see her after all these years.”
I can tell Brayden wants to ask more by the furrow in his eyebrows and the way his mouth opens and closes, but at the last second, he changes the subject. “Are you ready for tonight?”
I grumble at him, smacking his arm as we finish collecting our bags and walk out of the room with Brandon and the girls in tow.
Normally, I don’t really go out with the guys, choosing to stay home by myself, but I want this year to be different.
I want to be better not only for the team but for myself as well. For so long, I’ve pushed people away, afraid to make connections and be vulnerable. Not knowing my mom due to her abandoning us when I was younger, and losing my dad really impacted me in more ways than I thought.
In high school, it was so easy to make friends and be myself on account of being part of the hockey team.
People gravitated towards me and I didn’t have to do much work.
As I got older and stepped into the real world, I realized that I kept parts of myself hidden, especially after the shit storm that was the rumor mill of high school.
I learned that sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you do or say, it’s what people believe.
When my dad died, I didn’t want anyone to see me broken or leave when they realized how much of a mess I was.
This year, though, I want that to change.
I can play well on the ice, that’s not a question, but I know that I could be a better teammate and friend.
My goal this year is to find myself again.
The person who Jake Spencer is without being shrouded in his anxiety and worries.
I want my team to get to know the real me, and that starts by opening up and getting to know them as well.