Kailyn
This isn’t the first time that I'm in a room with Jake again after coming back, but this time feels different.
I feel more exposed, like he can see right through me without any barriers in place.
I thought I was scared of how he would react on Friday, but this is even scarier.
I have no place to hide and no one to run to when my nerves are about to get the best of me.
He’s shirtless, sitting on the exam table.
And I have to sit here and act like a professional.
I need to get through this exam without making a fool of myself or saying something that might cause an argument between us.
I need to do my job, so I don’t lose it.
But I also know that things will stay this way until we talk, and I need some answers.
I walk over to the desk, examining his chart as I gather myself. I know what needs to happen, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still holding a bit of anger at him for how things went down Friday night.
I peek over my shoulder and see him looking at me. Just like Friday night, I can’t read his expression. It makes my stomach bottom out. I’ve never not been able to read him until now. I can't tell what he’s thinking or feeling, and I don’t know which scenario is worse.
Squaring my shoulders and taking a deep breath, I turn back to him, unsure of what’s about to happen.
“Go ahead and lift your arm. I’m going to take your blood pressure and heart rate. Then, we’ll go from there.” My voice sounds foreign to my ears. It’s almost as if I’m under water and no one can hear me.
I walk over to the exam table, not making eye contact as I place the blood pressure cuff on his bicep and pull my stethoscope from around my neck, gently placing it on his wrist as I take his readings.
There’s an uncomfortable silence between us, one that I’ve never experienced in his presence before. It feels tinged with anger and resentment from both ends, and that makes it ten times worse.
Once I have his readings, I place the equipment to the side, before writing everything down.
“Okay, now I’m going to listen to your breathing.
I just need you to take some deep breaths while I move around.
” I place the bell of the stethoscope on his chest, listening as he breaths in and out.
All the while, I don’t make eye contact with him, wanting to get through this before I say the wrong thing.
He reaches forward and grabs my hand, causing me to stop my movements and look directly into his eyes.
They’re the same deep brown eyes I remember getting lost in countless times when we were together.
He’s gained more muscle over the years. His face has more stubble on it, but I can tell it was recently shaved.
His presence is more domineering, and it makes me want to sink to my knees as he tells me exactly what to do for him.
I search his face for any signs of what’s about to happen and come up blank once again.
“So, this is what it takes for you to finally look at me?”
“Jake,” I whisper back, afraid if I try to speak any louder I’ll lose my voice.
“I guess that’s all you know how to say to me?” Bits of anger and pain flash over his features before he blinks and they’re gone. I hate that he feels like he has to shield himself from me.
“I guess I’m trying to make sure I say the right thing, because I’m still angry at you,” I bite back.
“You’re not the only one that’s holding onto their anger, Kailyn."
He studies my expression for a moment, giving nothing else away in his. “Why do you get to be angry when you're the one that left, anyway?”
My breath catches, and I take a step back, but he swings his legs out to pull me in closer to him, so that I’m trapped right against his chest. I close my eyes as I involuntarily inhale his scent and my mind starts to race.
He always smelled like cedarwood and apple, two scents that never smelled the same after I left.
“I left because you hurt me first.”
Confusion takes over his expression, and I have to fight back a scoff at his reaction.
“What are you talking about? I never hurt you, Kailyn."
His denial of everything makes me even more angry. I heard him with my own ears, so the fact that he’s lying to me grates on my every raw nerve. I try to wretch myself from his hold but he pulls me in tighter, his hands grabbing onto my wrists to hold me in place.
“Stop fucking running, and start talking to me, because we’re obviously on two different pages here.”
“I could say the same thing to you. You’re really going to sit here and act like you didn’t fucking destroy my heart after what you said?
” Anger coats my voice, but I’m trying my hardest to remain as calm and level headed as I can.
We won’t get anywhere if this turns into a screaming match between us.
“Tell me what I said, then.” His voice booms in the otherwise empty silence, making me flinch slightly. “Because clearly, you know something that I don’t.”
“Of course you don’t remember. I wasn’t supposed to hear you talking about me behind my back to your hockey buddies. It’s easy for you to deny everything, isn’t it?”
His hands tighten on my wrists even further as he closes his eyes, slowly breathing in and out. How can he not remember what he said?
“Tell. Me. What. I. Said." He bites out every word.
Frustration takes over as I push on his chest, forcing him to let me go. I bolt across the room, facing the wall behind me as tears start to prickle behind my eyes. My breaths start to come out shaky, my chest rising and falling in an unsteady rhythm as I work to control my emotions.
“Oh, why would I wanna date her? She’s nothing special compared to others anyway.”
I turn back around to face him, waiting for his reaction. His face is still contorted in confusion, as I watch him tilt his head to the side, deep in thought.
After a few moments, I watch his eyes grow in size, his mouth hanging ajar and horror crossing his features at the realization of what my words signify.
And there it is.
The moment he finally understands everything.
We sit in silence for what feels like hours but is only a few moments. I really hope that he has a good explanation or something he can say that proves there was more to what he said that day, because if there isn’t, I’m not sure what to do next.
“Kailyn, I…” His mouth closes, as he shakes his head, looking down at his clenched fists. “It’s not what you think.”
“Then, tell me what to think, Jake! Because from where I’m sitting, I poured my heart out to you, told you every fear and insecurity of mine, only for you to turn around and hurt me like everyone else ever has.”
“Because you wanted to keep us a secret!” He shouts, his voice echoing off the walls.
“You were the one that didn’t want people to know about us.
I would’ve been ecstatic to tell everyone how I had the best girl in school, how much I loved her, but instead, I was forced to keep us a secret, because what, you didn’t trust me? ”
“You were the only person I ever trusted.”
“Well, it sure didn’t feel like it. You chose to hide us from the world, because you didn’t trust me enough.” He stands from the table, hands running through his hair in a way that shows how frustrated he’s becoming.
“Don’t change the subject here, Jake. Tell me the truth about why you said that about me.”
“I already told you why,” he reiterates, like the answer is obvious.
“No, all you said was that I wanted to keep us a secret. What does that have to do with you saying I wasn’t anything special?”
“It has everything to do with it! Kailyn, you told me not to tell anyone about us. So when people asked questions, I had to lie to keep our secret intact. All of that,” He waves his hands, gesturing around us, “was a cover to protect our secret.”
“What…” I’m at a loss for words, hoping I’m not hearing him right.
“That day, John and his buddies were talking all kinds of shit, as per usual. I was fine with it, until the topic of dating came up. They were ribbing me about the playboy rumors, because they believed what was being said. I brushed it off, but when they kept pushing me about your crush on me, I made that comment, in order to protect our relationship and to get him off my back.”
My ears feel like they’re ringing, my heart sinking to the bottom of my stomach.
I jumped to conclusions and hurt the one person who meant the most to me.
Hearing him confirm my suspicions about my rush to break up with him should make me feel better, but it only makes me want to curl up in a ball and scream at myself for everything I put us through.
I don’t realize that he’s approached me until he’s standing right in front of me. His hands reach up to cup my cheeks, wiping away the tears that have started spilling from my eyes.
“I need to know where your heads at, Kailyn,” he says softly.
“You only said that because I forced you back into a corner.”
“I never would’ve said anything like that about you.” His thumbs continue to rub soothing circles along my eyes. My tears continue to fall faster, hating how much I messed things up between us.
I know it’s been years, but looking into his eyes, I can see he’s telling the truth.
Normally when he lies, his eyes start to squint just slightly and he bites his top lip, but he’s either gotten better at lying, or he’s standing right in front of me, telling me the truth.
I’m more inclined to go with the latter.
He really only said those things because I forced him into a situation where he had to lie about us to protect me. Jake was the only person to ever hold my trust in that way, and when he needed me to trust him the most, to fight for us, I let my insecurities win only to protect myself.
“I’m so sorry, Jake.” I sob, burying my face into his chest.
He stands over me, holding me in his arms as my body shudders with the force of my sobs. It’s because of me that everything happened the way it did.
His anger from the night we broke up makes so much more sense now. Why he felt hurt that I was ending things abruptly and running away without an explanation, ripping his heart out in the process.
“Why didn’t you come talk to me?” He whispers into my hair.
“I was so hurt by your words, that I let my insecurities drown out my logic. It didn’t even register that I should until I was already gone.” My voice sounds shaky even to my own ears.
“I hate that you didn’t have enough trust in me, because I thought what we had meant more than you running away.”
I pull back slightly, seeing the tears shining in his brown eyes, knowing that I’m the reason for his hurt. “I did trust you.”
“But not enough to stay and talk things out, because if you did, we’d be in a very different place right now.”
His words hit me right in the gut, because he’s right.
Instead of talking to him, I ran and let myself believe that I was protecting myself, when all I was doing was hurting both of us in the long run.
Knowing the full truth of his words settles something inside of me, but not fully. I know there’s so much trust to rebuild between us and prove that this time I’m here to stay and fight. I just hope that he gives me the chance to, because I’ll follow his lead on this one
We sit in silence for a few moments, soaking in everything that’s transpired over the past half an hour.
After a few calming breaths, I ask the one question that could change the course of our future. “Where do we go from here?”
I slowly pull away from him, but his hands find mine, holding me close to him for a brief moment.
“I’m still angry about how things went down.
” He pauses, taking in a few deep breaths.
“It’s going to take a lot of work on both sides to rebuild any sort of trust or relationship because there’s so much history between us.
I’m also not blameless in this. Honestly, I’m not sure what the next move is. ”
“So, we take things slow and one step at a time. You’re right.
There’s a lot of history between us, and I feel like there’s so much more to be said.
Despite what you think, I haven’t gone a single day without thinking about you for ten years.
I hate the part I played in all of this, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. ”
He nods at me, a small smile crossing his lips that tells me we’re on the same page for the first time in years.
I made a huge mistake when I left. I know that my actions put us here, but I’m not going to let them dictate my life any longer.
It’s time to fight for what I want, and that starts now.
I’ve landed a great job with so many opportunities ahead.
I’m home and close to my family, who I missed more than anything.
And I’ve already made a new friend. I thought there was no hope, and after Friday, I was sure there wasn’t any.
But after today, I have to believe the universe has intervened for a reason, and we were always meant to reconnect in this way.
Hope may only be a four letter word, but it’s the best damn thing I’ve had in a long time, and I’m not giving it up for anything.