Kailyn
Throwing up is one of the worst feelings ever.
Groaning at the headache that’s pounding inside of my head, I flush the toilet and reach for the water bottle next to me, taking a sip to wash out my mouth.
After the third time of getting out of my bed to puke, I decided to just set up camp on the floor, thus a pillow and comforter ended up on the floor with me.
I’ve lived with PMOS my entire life, and I’ve worked with my OBGYN to help manage my symptoms, but it’s still a struggle most days to live a normal life.
When I do get my period, I have cramps for days that are sometimes so debilitating that I can’t even get out of bed.
It’s a struggle to function properly, walking or moving even the slightest hurts sometimes.
The way it’s played into my body insecurities hasn’t helped either.
I constantly feel bloated, like I can’t control my weight.
I’ve spent a lot of long nights crying my eyes out while I stared in the mirror, which I realize isn’t the healthiest thing to do.
But when you’re already at such a low point, why not keep going until you hit rock bottom.
People, mainly men, always told me that I was being dramatic and that I should get over it.
That I needed to suck it up and deal with the pain.
They judged me and made me feel like my pain and my experience weren’t real.
They never understood what it was like to feel this way, and I never had the energy to explain it to them when I knew they would just dismiss me.
I remember one night, during my first year of med school, we were interning with the football team at a game, and I was in so much pain I ended up passing out on the sidelines.
When I came to, the ambulance had been called but I knew there wasn’t anything they could do for me, and they sent me home after I told them what was happening.
When the weekend was over and I went to class on Monday, one of the boys in my class told me that I was just faking it, that I was trying to get attention any way I could and that I was being a whiny bitch.
Needless to say, I walked away and spent the rest of the day with my head down until I got home and cried myself to sleep, wishing with everything I had that I could call Jake and hear his voice tell me I wasn’t being dramatic or that I wasn’t too much.
So I learned to hide behind a mask, to suffer with the pain and push through it.
To never let anyone see me at my weakest again.
I suffered in silence, alone at night with no one there to support me.
Sure, I had my family and Bellamy, but they were thousands of miles away. There was nothing they could do for me.
Tonight was the first time in a long time that someone actually took me seriously and fought for me.
I know I could’ve spoken up myself, that I should’ve, but when you’ve conditioned yourself to stay silent and not be too much, it’s hard to break that habit.
To trust people around you to listen and who want to genuinely help.
I’ve just settled back into my makeshift bed when I hear a soft knock on the door. Groaning, another wave of pain hits me and I curl in on myself, choosing to just yell instead.
“You can come in, Em. I’m not getting up.” There’s silence on the other end of the door that has me thinking maybe it’s not Emilia. She has a key, so she would’ve just used it, right?
Settling back in I finally start to feel relaxed when my phone goes off. Sighing, I think of ignoring it when a second text appears. I grab it and pull up my messages.
Jake
Hey baby girl, it’s me outside your door.
I have Em’s key, but I wanna make sure you’re okay before I just come in.
Jake’s here?
Knowing that he’s outside my room has my emotions that have been all over the place building up and my chest tightening. I can’t help the tears that start to fall down my face at the idea that he’s so close.
You can always come in
The soft click of the lock sounds and then the door opens.
Jake walks through, a duffle slung over his shoulder and some plastic bags in his hands.
His forehead and hair are damp from what looks like sweat, and he’s wearing his black Blaze hoodie and some sweats.
The sight of his soft smile fills my heart with so much love, and I can’t help but bury my face into the pillow and silently let my tears fall even faster.
He must see my shoulders shaking, because there’s some rustling before his body settles on the floor next to me and engulfs me in his arms. I snuggle into his chest and let out a choked sob, letting him hold me close to him.
We lay together as my sobs wrack my chest, and Jake rubs soothing circles on my back not saying a word. After a few minutes that feel like much longer, my sobs die down and it becomes easier to breathe. Slowly, I pull away from him just a little, so I can look at his face.
“You’re here.” My voice is soft and breathy as I continue to process that he’s here with me.
“You needed me, and I wasn't going to let you deal with this alone.” He leans in and places a lingering kiss on my forehead, and I can’t help the way my heart melts at how sweet and wonderful this man truly is.
There’s no other words spoken between us for the moment, just his presence and his calm heartbeat under my ear is exactly what I needed.
We lay there for who knows how long before another cramp hits me, and the feeling of bile rises up my throat again.
I try to hold it in the best I can, but when I feel it hit my chest a second time, there’s no stopping the inevitable.
He must sense I need to move, because he helps sit me up, and I face the toilet seconds before another round of bile comes from me.
One of his hands settles on my back, the other on my neck as he gathers my hair and holds it away from my face.
He gently sits me up after I’m done and leans me back into his chest as he collects all of the loose strands of hair on my face and ties my hair back into a messy bun.
I settle back into his chest as he wraps his arms around my front and settles them on my stomach, softly running his hands up and down to help soothe the pain.
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess right now.”
Leaning down, he places another kiss on my temple before he rests his head on top of mine.
“Don’t apologize for being in pain and having to deal with this.
I hate that you felt like you had to hide this, but I promise you’re not alone anymore.
I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. Let me take care of you.
” The sincerity in his voice brings tears back to my eyes, and I sink further into him.
“Okay.”
“Here, sit up for me for a moment.”
He sits me up and then stands up, turning on the tub and plugging the drain, then walking around me towards the counter where he placed the bags he came in with.
He opens the bag and pulls out a small purple bottle and then a set of fake candles. With a wink, he turns them on and then walks over to pour the bottle into the running water. The smell of lavender and vanilla hits my nose right away, causing me to smile that he remembers my favorite smells.
“I got lucky. The shop downstairs had a lavender scented soap. I know it’s your favorite.”
This man truly has my entire heart.
Once the water's done, he turns it off and then makes his way over to me, helping me stand. While holding me, he reaches over and turns off the light, the glow from the fake candles illuminating the room in a much softer glow, and the light from the hall giving us enough to still see everything.
He helps me over to the sink where I brush my teeth, washing out the taste of my bile from just a moment ago. Once I’m done, he gently grabs my hips and brings me back toward the tub.
“I’m gonna help you undress baby girl, and then we’ll get in the tub and relax.”
With another kiss to my forehead, he reaches for the hem of my shirt but I stop him. I’m only in an oversized shirt and some boyshorts, so there’s nothing to hide.
We are dating again, but right now with my hormones all over the place and my body feeling like shit, my insecurities at an all time high.
This man has already seen me naked so many times, but he hasn’t seen me in so long.
My body has changed, I’m not the same as I was in high school.
What if he sees the stretch marks on my hips and stomach and doesn’t like them?
Or the way that my stomach is shaped now?
What if he sees me and realizes that I’m not beautiful anymore?
I worked so hard to love myself, to love who I see in the mirror every day, and I got to a point where I’m not plagued by all of those nasty thoughts and insecurities everyday, but sometimes, especially during my period when my hormones take over, those thoughts slip in and I have to fight so hard to get past them.
With all of the Eric shit and him bringing up my weight, it’s brought up a lot of feelings and insecurities.
It was easier to let his crude comments go, but the thought of Jake ever saying anything like that, of agreeing with him, that I could never get over.
Even though I know he never would, my mind is a mess, playing tricks on me and bringing my biggest fears to light.
“Baby, look at me.” I shake my head, afraid of seeing disgust or disappointment in his eyes. His hand comes up to my chin and slowly lifts it until we’re making eye contact, and all I can see is sincerity and what I hope is love shining through his deep brown eyes.