Chapter Eleven
Caleb
After spending way too long standing under the shower, letting the hot water pound against my skin, I think about the monster living inside me. The version of myself I hate, but the version that still exists, whether I like it or not.
I detest the way I treated Angel.
But what I detest even more is finally seeing Indi again, only for nothing to come from it.
Now I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling while sleep refuses to come anywhere near me. Rolling onto my side, I grab my cell and swipe the screen, then open my photographs. I scroll until I find the last picture I have of Indi.
She’s eighteen in it.
Young, happy, and smiling so brightly it still melts me, even now.
Pain spears me as I stare at her face.
I need to talk to her.
I can’t let this go again.
Not now that I know where she is.
Before I can stop myself, I pull up her contact and hit call.
The phone rings softly against my ear while anxiety slowly crawls through my body. With every unanswered ring, my heart beats harder and faster, until it’s practically pounding against my ribs. But just like every other time I’ve called her over the last six years… she doesn’t answer.
I exhale heavily and end the call before tossing the cell onto the mattress beside me.
The emptiness settles in.
I know she said she doesn’t want to see me again, but I don’t know if I’m capable of staying away from her. Dragging both hands over my face, I try to relieve some of the tension building inside me, when my phone vibrates beside me, and my head snaps toward it instantly.
I grab the cell so quickly I nearly drop it, desperately hoping it’s Indi finally calling me back.
Instead, Annie’s name flashes across the screen.
I close my eyes briefly, trying not to throw my cell across the room in frustration and disappointment, before forcing myself to read the message.
Annie: Hey Caleb, I just wanna thank u 4 being there 4 me, like always. I really appreciate u looking out 4 me and taking care of me. I’m sorry I got u into trouble with Dad, but I know he really appreciates u looking after me 2. So thank u cuz, I luv u xo
A smile tugs at my mouth despite myself as I type back.
Me: That’s okay Annie. It’s my job to look after you. Are you okay?
I hit send and wait.
Annie: Not really but I’ll be fine, just got the mother of all hangovers. I’m never drinking again! Just wish I knew why Aston did that, it’s going 2 make things weird…
I shake my head and exhale slowly, really hoping this doesn’t end up screwing the band over before we’ve even gotten started.
Me: Well cuz, I think you need to talk to him.
Get everything out in the open and just be honest. The band is important Annie, and if you two can’t get along, it could ruin things for all of us.
So suck it up and be the brave girl I know you are.
You’ll get through this, but you need to be smart like I told you.
Don’t make any rash or stupid decisions, and we should all be fine. Talk to me anytime you need to, okay?
I send the message and wait again.
Annie: I know, thanks for being there 4 me. I can always count on u. Ur the best cousin ever!
A laugh escapes me, and I shake my head.
Me: Does your teacher Susan actually teach you how to type in English? What’s with all this u and ur shit?
I send it, already knowing it’ll annoy her.
Annie: Shut up fuck wit! It’s not an assignment, so I can write however I want 2. So suck that bitch! lol
I laugh again, and for the first time since leaving the hospital, a genuine smile hits my face. This light-hearted bullshit is exactly what I needed.
Me: Okay, I need sleep, and I’m sure you do too. Look after yourself, and if you need me, call. Okay?
I send the message and roll onto my side, trying to get comfortable.
Annie: Ok thanks again. I don’t know what I would’ve done without u. I luv u Caleb. Sleep well xxxx
My chest tightens unexpectedly as I smile down at the screen.
Me: Love you too. Now go to sleep! xo
I hit send and place the cell beside my pillow before dragging the blankets up to my chin, preparing myself for another night of either restless sleep… or none at all.
***
Somehow, I manage to get a couple of hours of sleep, but it’s restless and full of dreams. Or maybe memories is the better word for it.
Nothing dramatic. Just flashes of my childhood with Indi.
Her laughing while we sat on the roof outside my bedroom window.
Her curled against me, watching shitty horror movies.
Her smiling at me like I was the center of her entire world.
It should’ve felt comforting, but waking up afterward only leaves this hollow ache in my chest that I can’t seem to shake.
So I do the exact thing I probably shouldn’t do.
I decide I need to see her again.
This feels like a fucking addiction. Six years without Indi, and one single glimpse of her has sent me spiraling straight off the wagon. I need to be near her. The intensity of it scares me because Indi has always had the power to destroy me if she wanted to completely.
And the worst part?
I’ll still risk it.
If there’s even the slightest chance we could somehow find our way back to each other, I would risk every damn piece of myself for her. Hell, at this point, I’d even settle for friendship if it meant having her in my life again.
I just need something.
Which is exactly why I’m now driving toward the hospital, hoping like hell she’s working tonight. She was on a night shift the last time I saw her, so I waited until after ten before coming here. Maybe she’ll be on again.
I pull into a parking bay and head inside the emergency room. The place is chaos tonight. Nurses rushing around, phones ringing nonstop, patients filling nearly every chair in the waiting room. If Indi’s here, I probably won’t get long with her.
Hopefully long enough to convince her to meet me somewhere.
I walk over to the triage desk, where the woman working is busy on the phone. She gives me a polite smile and nods to let me know she’s seen me, so I turn away slightly while she finishes the call—no point standing there looking like some creepy stalker listening in on private conversations.
My eyes scan the area, desperately looking for blonde hair or blue eyes.
Nothing.
My heart pounds harder the longer I look.
I just want to see her.
“Can I help you?” the receptionist asks once she hangs up.
I turn back toward her. “Yeah, hi. I was wondering if Indica Malone is working tonight?”
“No, she has the night off. Is there an emergency?”
“No,” I answer quickly. “Not a medical one, anyway. Could you tell me where she lives?”
The woman stands straighter and glances toward the nearby security guard. My muscles tense instantly.
“No,” she says firmly. “I’m sorry, but we do not give out personal information.”
I rub the back of my neck awkwardly. “Right. Okay. Can you at least tell me when she will be working next? I really need to see her.”
“Again, sir, I can’t give out any information regarding staff members. If you need to see her, I suggest you contact her privately. This is a hospital, not a social club.”
“Okay, fair enough,” I say with a forced smile. “Maybe just tell me what suburb she lives in then? Help a guy out?”
She waves the security guard over immediately.
Fuck.
“No, sir, I will not ‘help you out.’ I can pass along a message that you came looking for her, but that’s all I’m willing to do.”
Panic spikes through me instantly. “No, please don’t tell her I came here. It’ll just piss her off even more.”
The woman gives me a flat look. “Well, if she doesn’t want to see you, perhaps you should leave her alone. Now if you’ll excuse me, we have actual emergencies to deal with.”
The security guard steps up beside me. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” He reaches toward my arm, but I jerk away before he can touch me.
“That’s not necessary,” I snap, backing up. “I’m leaving. Just… please don’t tell her I came here.”
The guard follows me toward the doors anyway.
“I’m going,” I mutter irritably. “You don’t need to escort me out.”
“Just leave quietly, sir.”
I roll my eyes and head out of the emergency room feeling like a complete fucking idiot.
Jesus Christ. I have probably just made things ten times worse. And knowing my luck, that receptionist will absolutely tell Indi I came looking for her.
Fucking perfect.
By the time I reach my car, my pulse is pounding violently, and a headache is throbbing behind my eyes. I rub my temples while frustration and anger crash through me so hard my entire body overheats. My muscles lock tight and sweat prickles across my forehead.
I need some kind of release before I completely lose my shit.
Without thinking, I lash out and kick the tire of my car as hard as I can.
“Ow… fuck!”
I start hopping around, clutching my foot while pain shoots through my toes.
“For fuck’s sake,” I groan bitterly.
Still limping, I make my way to the driver’s side and collapse into the seat before leaning forward and resting my forehead against the steering wheel. I just embarrassed myself, got kicked out of the hospital, and injured my foot all in one night.
I’m such a fucking dickhead.
Leaning back into the seat, I force a deep breath into my lungs while trying to calm my racing heart. “Get a grip, Caleb,” I mutter to myself, closing my eyes briefly.
After another long exhale, I finally start the car, reverse out of the parking space, and drive home knowing I seriously need to sort my shit out before I completely spiral.
When I get home, I make a conscious effort to keep myself busy. Sitting around thinking about Indi is clearly dangerous for my mental state, so I stay planted in the living room with my guitar for most of the day, singing through Staked songs and losing myself in the music.
It helps.
Not completely, but enough that the ache in my chest dulls a little.
Two days pass after seeing Indi again before my cell suddenly rings. I glance at the screen and see Dad’s name flashing across it, so I swipe to answer.
“Hey Dad, what’s up?”