Chapter Thirty-One #2
“I love you, Indi. And I’m going to keep calling. I’ll give you the space you need. I won’t try to find out where you’re staying, and I won’t come to your workplace because I don’t want to embarrass you there. But I’ll keep calling. Even if I leave five voicemails a day.”
A bitter laugh escapes me.
“Even if you never listen to any of them, at least you’ll know I’m still trying.
Because I believe in us. I believe we can get through this if you’d just let me explain everything properly.
Sasha is fucking crazy, and this is exactly what she wanted.
So by shutting me out completely, you’re letting her win. ”
Emotion tightens my throat.
“I just need you to know how much I love you. With everything in me, Indi, I love you.”
The line goes silent after I hang up.
Raking my hand through my hair, I wander into my bedroom and collapse onto the mattress, staring blankly at the ceiling. Even though it’s only the middle of the afternoon, all I want to do is stay here and wallow for the rest of the day. Surely I’m allowed to do that, right?
My phone suddenly beeps beside me, and I snatch it up instantly, hoping it’s Indi.
It’s not.
A message from Aston lights up the screen instead.
Aston: Hey dude. Saw all the stuff on the news. R u ok? Need someone 2 talk 2? Can come up there if u need me 2 or u can come here. Just know I’m here 4 u, bro. Whatever u need.
I exhale slowly while reading it.
Guess everyone knows now.
And honestly? That fucking sucks.
More than anything, I hate knowing Indi’s going to be dealing with this scrutiny from everyone around her. Her work colleagues, neighbors, friends, and random fucking strangers online. I’ve dragged her into this mess, and it kills me knowing she’s probably suffering because of me right now.
I just hope no one’s making things too hard for her.
Quickly typing out a reply, I try sounding far more stable than I actually feel.
Me: Thanks, mate, but honestly, I think I just need some sleep and time to figure out how the hell to fix this.
Appreciate you checking in, though. And I know Annie probably made you message me, so tell her I’m okay and I’ll still be right for the band.
Rehearsals are tomorrow, and I’ll be there early.
Don’t stress about me. Just need to clear my head, and I’ll be fine. Promise.
The lie tastes bitter the second I hit send.
It’s good knowing they care. Really good.
But their sympathy somehow makes everything feel worse because deep down, I know this is all my fault.
I lost Indi because of my stupidity. And somehow, even though technically I didn’t cheat on her, it still feels like I did.
I betrayed her trust. There’s no getting around that.
Sleeping with Sasha was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done, even if I was drunk and didn’t realize it was happening.
The old version of me crawled back out that night.
The bitter version.
The angry version who spent years feeling rejected and fucked over by Indi. The version of me that treats women like they’re disposable because somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that if I hurt them first, they couldn’t hurt me back.
I literally hate that guy.
And the worst part? Indi only pushed me away all those years ago because she thought I’d slept with Maddie.
This whole situation is so unbelievably fucked.
I’m fucked up.
Indi’s fucked up.
Together, we somehow become even more fucked up.
Maybe she really is better off without me?
Maybe she’d be happier without constantly worrying I’m going to look at another woman or screw someone else the second things get difficult between us?
I know I wouldn’t.
Not if we were truly together.
Not if she trusted me enough to stay.
But I hate knowing she’s always anxious about it. That isn’t healthy for either of us. So maybe this is the right thing. The thought barely forms before I scoff at myself.
Who am I kidding?
I already survived years without Indi, and it nearly destroyed me. I don’t want another six minutes without her, let alone six years… or forever.
Dragging my forearm across my eyes, I exhale heavily while trying to relax the tension locked into every muscle in my body. It doesn’t work. Nothing fucking works.
I need to burn this energy off somehow. Normally, this would be the point where I’d call one of the Sultry Seven for a distraction, but I’ve definitely learned my lesson there.
If I want Indi back, abstinence is the only option.
Suddenly pushing off the bed, I stalk toward my wardrobe and yank out my workout gear.
Time to punish myself another way.
The Next Day
The drive to Oxfordshire feels ten times longer than it normally does, mostly because I’m so exhausted I’m struggling to focus on the bloody road.
Something is seriously wrong with me.
If this is what being lovesick feels like, then honestly, it can fuck right off.
Dinner last night never happened, and breakfast this morning wasn’t even an option.
My stomach’s been in knots ever since I threw up after my workout because I overdid it.
Every muscle in my body aches, and instead of burning off some of this tension, the exercise somehow made everything worse.
I feel like I’m physically falling apart.
And to top it all off, we’ve got a show tonight.
I need to pull myself together.
Need to find that edge again—that fire.
I’m the lead singer—the frontman.
I can’t spend the whole day skulking around in sunglasses, barely talking because I don’t have the energy to fake being okay.
Although for the first half of the morning, that’s exactly what’s happening.
Pulling up outside the manor, I hit the remote clipped to my visor and wait while the gates slowly swing open.
Driving through feels strangely comforting.
This place has always felt safe to me, even when everything else in my life has gone to shit.
Parking beside Chad’s car, I climb out and immediately pull my jacket tighter around myself.
The chill in the air cuts right through me, making me shiver.
I don’t bother locking the car before heading for the front door.
A few moments after ringing the bell, the door swings open, and Dee appears looking way too cheerful for this time of morning. “Morning, sweetheart,” she chirps brightly.
The forced smile I give her feels painful.
Stepping up to walk inside, I barely make it through the doorway before she frowns and places a hand flat against my chest, stopping me.
“Caleb.” Her voice softens instantly. “I saw what happened. You’re obviously not okay.”
Before I can protest, she reaches up and slides my sunglasses off my face, resting them on top of my head.
The brightness hits me hard, making me squint.
Dee winces the second she sees my eyes properly. “Oh, Caleb… have you been drinking?”