Chapter Twenty-Six
Annie
Six months have passed.
Six months since Aston, and I’m completely miserable.
Not even music lifts my spirits anymore. The colors are wrong, dull and lifeless, and the notes don’t float the way they used to. Instead, they fall flat, heavy and hollow, just like me.
Since the tour started, each day has felt worse than the last.
Aston and I don’t talk. We barely even look at each other. Well… I look at him. He just doesn’t seem to notice.
If this is what needed to happen, if us being apart was the right thing, then why does it feel so utterly wrong?
I don’t understand what’s happening to me.
Mum and Dad are worried. They don’t let me out of their sight anymore.
We played our final show of the tour last night in Sydney, then flew straight home at two in the morning. We landed in London mid-afternoon and came straight back here.
I know once the jet lag wears off, Mum’s taking me to see a psychiatrist and I’m not sure how I feel about that, but if there’s even a chance it might help, I’ll take it.
These days, my life is simple.
I get up.
I perform the songs we wrote together.
Then I sleep.
Everything keeps moving around me, but I feel stuck, like my feet are set in concrete, and nothing can shift me from where I am.
Aston tried to talk to me a few times after Belfast, but I avoided him, avoided everything, and he eventually got the message.
Ella tried too, doing her best to make me laugh, but even she’s given up now. She spends most of her time with Amber and the guys.
Watching Aston and Amber together is like nails on a chalkboard. I don’t even know if they’re actually together, but she’s always touching him, always close, and he’s started smiling and laughing again.
I know, because I watch.
Always.
I’ve become that person in the band, the one people whisper about. Only instead of the ‘bad boy,’ I’m the moody, unstable girl.
The papers say Staked would be better without me, that I’m dragging the band down. There’s even been talk of drugs, rumors that Dad’s using again and supplying me.
That one nearly broke him.
He’s tried to shut it down, telling everyone I’m a depressed teenager, but no one’s listening. They’ve already made up their minds about me.
And honestly… I don’t care.
I don’t care about anything right now.
Not even music.
And that was my biggest fear from the start, that whatever was happening with Aston would ruin this for me. Now it feels like that’s exactly what’s happening.
I still perform well.
But offstage? I’m a mess.
If something sets me off, I react before I think, and that’s where the ‘bad girl’ image comes from.
People call me rude.
A bitch.
In interviews, I barely speak… one-word answers, no smiles.
Even fans have turned on me. One group cornered me at a hotel and told me I should quit the band or they’d boycott us.
Dad shut that down fast. Said ‘Four angry girls aren’t starting a revolution.’ Said ‘Fans care about the music more than one band member’s attitude.’
And he was right.
Sales didn’t drop. If anything, they got better.
Rob’s even talking about a headline tour for us next year.
I go along with it.
I go along with everything.
I show up, do what I’m told, and then disappear as quickly as I can.
Mum checks in on me every day, and every day, I tell her I’m fine.
Every day, I lie.
Because the truth is… I’m drowning, and I don’t even know why.
I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to be this person, but I don’t know how to stop it.
Aston is always there—in my thoughts, in everything I do. It’s like my heart is punishing me for walking away.
And seeing him with Amber? It’s doing my fucking head in.
They’re always touching, always close. I’ve never seen them kiss, which is something, at least, but I don’t know what happens when I’m not around. And that thought eats at me.
One night, I tried to make him jealous.
I went up to Nate, Danger’s drummer from Recoil, and started flirting with him right in front of Aston.
It didn’t work.
Amber swooped in almost instantly, wrapping herself around Aston like she owned him.
Oh my God, did that make my chest ache in the most painful of ways.
Instead of making him jealous… it just made me miserable.
I walked away.
I felt his eyes on me as I left, but he didn’t follow.
I didn’t just lose my boyfriend. I lost my best friend, my only real friend.
Now I’m just… there.
The girl no one talks to in case she snaps.
My temper’s worse, and I argue with everyone.
Except when it comes to the band.
Then I say nothing.
I don’t contribute. I don’t care about direction or ideas. I just agree and do what I’m told.
I know it frustrates Dad, but…
What’s the point?
The joy is gone, like everything else. And these last six months have felt like a hell I can’t escape.
Now I’m back in my own bed for the first time in half a year.
It’s comfortable and familiar, but I still can’t sleep. I rarely do anymore. Instead, I lie here and think about Aston.
About us.
About everything we had.
Every single night, the same cycle.
I roll over and check my phone—it’s been so long since I messaged him.
And I miss him.
I miss my best friend.
I miss his smile most of all.
Even though I see it now… it’s not the same.
He seems to be coping so much better than I am.
Which only goes to prove my point. If what he said had been real, if he really loved me, then he’d be a mess too. Right?
Because no one can love me like that.
Not really.
Not when even the people who brought me into this world didn’t want me.
I stare at the ceiling, knowing I’m a complete fuck up.
My door creaks open, and Mum peeks in. “Sorry, did I wake you?”
I shake my head. “No. Come in.”
She steps inside and closes the door behind her. “Did you get any sleep?”
“Not much. Couple of hours, maybe. What time is it?”
“Nearly midday. Everyone’s still asleep. I just wanted to check on you.”
“I’m fine.”
She sits beside me, studying me carefully. “I want to talk to you about something. I know you’re unsure about it, but we’ve booked an appointment with Dr. Ludwick in a couple of days. She’s one of the best, Annie. I really think she can help you.”
“It’s not that you can’t help me,” I say quietly. “You do. You always do. I just… can’t shake this. It’s like it’s stuck inside me.”
“I know that feeling,” she says softly. “I had it when your father and I were apart. It’s awful. And I know I can’t fix it for you, but someone else might be able to help guide you through it.” She hesitates. “Maybe even give you something to help take the edge off.”
I scrunch my face. “Like antidepressants?”
She nods. “I took them for a while. They don’t fix everything, but they help you breathe a little easier.
And right now, I think you need help finding your way back to yourself.
” Her voice softens further. “I just want my bright, happy Annie back.” She smiles.
“It’s not your fault she’s hiding. Your emotions are just… overwhelming you. That’s all.”
I nod slowly. “Okay. I… I don’t want to feel like this anymore, Mum.”
“I know, sweetheart. And we’re going to do everything we can to help you.”
“Thanks, Mum… and I’m sorry. I feel like such a damn mess.”
“You’re not a mess,” she says firmly. “You’ve just lost your way a little. That’s all.” I let out a breath. “I know the jet lag’s awful,” she adds gently. “But try to get some proper rest.”
“I will.”
She smiles softly, then stands and heads for the door. “Get some sleep.”
“Thanks, Mum.”
She leaves, closing the door quietly behind her.
Two days later, Mum took me to see Dr. Ludwick. We talked through everything… my past, Aston, and how I’ve been feeling.
After some assessments, she said I have depression and prescribed medication.
I was hesitant at first, but if it might help, I’m willing to try.
I left feeling a little lighter, like finally saying it all out loud took some of the weight off.
Mum helped when I couldn’t speak, filling in the gaps, especially about how I feel unworthy of love.
Dr. Ludwick said that belief isn’t true, and with time and therapy, she hopes to help me see that.
I’m not sure I believe it.
But I do want to feel better.
Age 19
Another six months pass, and it’s been just over a year since I ended things with Aston.
Since we got back from tour, Mum and I have been going to counseling every week. With a lot of pushing and honesty, I am starting to see things differently. A different way of looking at it, for which I am grateful.
Maybe my birth parents didn’t give me up because I wasn’t worth loving.
Maybe they did it because they did love me.
Maybe they wanted something better for me than what they could give.
Dr. Ludwick says not knowing the reason is what’s been driving all of this, and that I’ve filled in the blanks with the worst possible version of the truth. She’s trying to get me to accept that not knowing might actually be a good thing.
To focus on what I do have.
A family.
A home.
Ella.
A life I never would have had otherwise.
And I am grateful, I really am.
The people around me think I’m doing better.
And I know I am… a little.
The medication helps. The days aren’t as heavy anymore. But what they don’t know is what happens at night.
I sneak out.
I go into town, usually the pub, and the bouncer lets me straight into the VIP section. Not because I’m special, just because they know who I am.
And then I drink.
I dance.
I kiss random guys.
Anything to feel something.
Anything to feel connected, even if it only lasts a few minutes.
Mum thinks the medication is making me tired during the day, she has no idea it’s the hangovers.
Aston and Amber have gotten closer. She’s always around when we perform, which isn’t often anymore, but still enough.
He doesn’t talk to me.
And I don’t talk to him.
But I miss him.
God, I miss him.
Not just as my boyfriend, but as my best friend.
The person I told everything to.
The one I could call for no reason at all.
I’m nineteen now.
And I’ve only ever loved one person.
Aston.
And every night, I try to forget that.