41. Be That Person
BE THAT PERSON
T he doorbell went off, but Emma ignored it. It was probably just a delivery of something and they were letting her know they were dropping it off.
Her fingers kept pounding on her keyboard.
Over the past week, she was doing everything she could to not think about the fact she was missing Warren and maybe it was best they had this distance because if it hurt this much, how much more would it be if he moved even further away?
She reached for her coffee cup and took a sip, then spit it out.
It was ice cold.
She looked at the clock on the top of her computer and saw it was nine in the morning.
Shit, she hadn’t gone to bed yet. How had that happened?
The doorbell went off again.
What the hell? It was almost too early for a delivery.
If she knew where her phone was, she could look to see who was at the door, but that was a lost cause and she wasn’t going to bother.
She stood up and her legs almost buckled under her.
Good lord, she’d been sitting here since she peed about six hours ago. That was when she got the cup of coffee.
When the doorbell went off again, she half marched, half limped to the door. “I’m coming,” she shouted.
She whipped it open and there was Warren on her doorstep looking fierce enough to tackle her to the floor. Maybe she wanted that. It’d been weeks since they’d had sex.
She’d been afraid to ask for it and he wasn’t asking her, so maybe he wasn’t up to it.
She’d read that maybe guys could have sexual problems after a head injury.
That wasn’t a conversation she wanted to bring up.
“You look like hell,” he said.
“And you look cold,” she said. “I didn’t know it was going to snow today.”
There was a dusting on the ground and a few flakes on his jacket from his walk from his SUV to her porch.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
She walked back, her bare feet cold on the floor. She’d been under a blanket in the living room. “What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk,” he said.
“Okay,” she said. “Why are you mad at me?”
“Why didn’t you tell me my father called you?”
Her jaw dropped. “Who told you that?”
“He did,” he said. “Weeks ago.”
“And you’re just telling me now,” she said, crossing her arms. “Maybe I want to know why you didn’t tell me why he was reaching out to you. I thought maybe he was lying, but it doesn’t sound like it.”
“He was reaching out for the same reason he’s always done it,” he said. “He wanted something from me. This time he wanted to appeal to my compassion to go into rehab.”
“And he wanted you to pay for it?” she asked.
“I’m sure. I have no idea. He blew it by saying something stupid about how hard it was to have me be his son and him to work a union job when I’m who I am and have all this money.”
“What a dick,” she said.
“I told him never to reach out again. I’ve said it before, but this time I blocked his number. I want to know why you said nothing to me.”
“I need some coffee,” she said. “I haven’t been to bed yet. Can you give me a minute? I have to gather my thoughts and bring them back to this world.”
“Fine,” he said, following her to the kitchen. “You haven’t slept at all?”
“I got up at four yesterday morning and then fell asleep in the afternoon. I went to take a nap, and it was about six hours later. So I got up around seven last night maybe, I don’t know. I wasn’t tired and got to work. I lost track of time.”
“I don’t know how you can live like that,” he said.
“It’s how I do,” she said. “I can’t change for you. I already felt like shit that you just sat around while I worked.”
“So that is why you told me not to come back here?” he asked. “Because you felt bad even though I told you I didn’t have a problem with it. Or do you have an issue with it?”
“Are we going to fight?” she asked, turning with the brewed coffee in her hand. “Because I’m not up to capacity to match you by the looks of it.”
“I want to know why you never told me my father reached out. I thought we told each other things,” he said.
“Really?” she asked, throwing her hand in the air. Not the one holding the coffee because that would have made a mess, but it was enough to spill some on the counter. “You didn’t tell me he was reaching out to you!”
“Because I wasn’t responding. I don’t want him tainting my life anymore.”
“He can’t do that if you don’t allow it, Warren.”
“It’s not as easy as you think to just say the words or write them down and then they magically happen or disappear.”
Her lips twisted. “I don’t need you jumping on that bandwagon with everyone else.”
“It’s the truth,” he said. “Whether or not you want to hear it.”
“I don’t want to hear it,” she said. “Because you know what?” She put her coffee down and marched up to him. “I’m in the same realm as you and it hurts. You know what hurts? That you’re not honest with me.”
“Because I didn’t tell you that someone from my past reached out to me that I haven’t talked to for years and don’t care to? Do you know how many people text me that I don’t reply to?”
“No,” she said, shoving him but he didn’t budge. She’d never lost her cool that much. “Because you’re thinking of playing longer than the end of your contract. I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can watch you get hurt like that again.”
She started to cry. She never cried.
She went to hit his chest, knowing that it wouldn’t make a difference. He wouldn’t feel it.
He grabbed her hands. “Lies,” he said. “If you’d been honest with me and said Mike called you too, I would have told you that wasn’t the truth. He called you around Thanksgiving, didn’t he? That’s when you changed. I know it.”
“He told me that you were distracted. I know how you feel about those things. I saw it in the game you got hurt. You weren’t on that day. Something was off. I noticed. Don’t lie to me. It was me and my family and everything going on. And I’m betting it was your father added to it.”
“It was only my father,” he said “Not you or your family. I promise you that.”
“You should have talked to me about it,” she said.
“There was nothing to be said or done,” he said. “I was dealing with it.”
“Not well,” she said.
“And by the looks of you, you’re not dealing well with things either but rather than talking to me, you pushed me away. Why?”
“How do you know Mike called me?”
“Because things weren’t adding up,” he said. “I asked him and he hedged enough for me to put it together. Emma, I’ve never lied to you. I’m done at the end of next year. Shit, I might be done now.”
“What?” she asked, looking up. He had tears in his eyes too. “What is wrong? What are you telling me? Are you more injured than we know?”
“No,” he said. “I don’t know. I’m not released yet and I went to see my own specialist. It’s not that I don’t trust the team doctors.”
“But you don’t,” she said. “Or you wouldn’t have done that. No one knows, do they?”
“No,” he said. “I know how it works. The team doctors are going to give me the risks and leave the decision to me.”
“What decision?” she asked.
“To go back on the field. I can take more precautions, more padding. But is it worth it? My father tried to blame his father for the shitty person he turned out to be. That he promised himself he wouldn’t be that way and he was. I made the same promise to myself.”
“You’ll never be that person, Warren,” she said.
“No. Not in terms of being a drunk. But I’ve already had three head injuries. I don’t know what kind of damage that could have caused already or in the future. Is it worth it? I want to be there for a wife and kids someday. My father was selfish. When that hit me, I realized I was being too.”
Her jaw opened and then closed again. “I didn’t think about it that way.”
“But you feel the same way,” he said. “Because you’re not arguing. Your reaction just gave me another reason I think I have to be done. I didn’t know you felt this way.”
“Do you think I’d tell you?” she said. “That’s being selfish. My feelings about your career are my problem, not yours. I’ve been selfish a lot in my life too and I’m not going to be this time.”
“No,” he said. “They are both of our problems. People in love talk about those things. They don’t let it build until they fight.”
“Well, I wish someone had told me that,” she said. “I’ve never been in love before. Nor have I fought with anyone in a relationship.”
“Never?” he asked.
“I don’t know that I’ve ever cared enough,” she said.
He pulled her closer to him. “What about shoving someone?”
She snorted and then wiped her arm under her nose. She was pretty sure she shot snot out. “Never. You didn’t even budge.”
“I’m not budging from your life either, Emma. Unless you want me to leave. If you tell me right now that you don’t want me here, I’m going to argue with you that you’re lying.”
She laughed. “I thought you were going to say that you’d leave.”
“No,” he said. “I’m not leaving. I need you.
I’ve never told that to another person. But I’m telling you now.
I need your support and your help. I don’t know if I’m going to play again.
I’m not sure I want to. Every time I get on the field I shake now.
Do you know how hard it is for me to not let people see that? ”
“Why do you have to hide it?” she asked.
“Take a page from my mother’s book. She had a lot of people who supported her for what she did and why, but just as many said she could have been a huge role model for many women years ago.
Be that person, Warren. The one that says he’s afraid and that he is going to put himself first. If that is what you want.
If it’s not and it’s a passing thing, then I’ll support that. ”
“And just hit me every time I leave for a game or come home?” he asked, laughing.
“I’m sorry. Now I feel bad I said that. I’m going to feel as if you’re deciding because of me. The public is going to feel that way too.”
“Weren’t you the one that said fuck them all?” he asked.
She smirked. “Yes.”
“That’s my answer. I only care about you and my family. My mother and sister will be thrilled to hear that I’m finished.”
“Can you just walk away?” she asked.
“I’ll deal with those things,” he said. “That is what lawyers are for, but the truth is, I’m not cleared yet and it might not happen for a few more weeks. By then, if we miss the playoffs, I think they will opt to not play me to not risk injury for next year.”
She smiled. “You put a lot of thought into this, didn’t you?”
“Possibilities,” he said. “You’ve opened my eyes to them and a world I didn’t know existed.”
“No shit,” she said. “You made me realize I could be just as happy in this world as I can in the worlds I create in my head.”
He leaned down to kiss her. “God, I’ve missed you. I don’t mean your presence, just you. Our talks, our video dates, even our texts.”
“They are all over the place,” she said, laughing.
“And unpredictable like you, but it’s what I love about you the most. What you’ll do next keeps me on my toes. I don’t ever want to lose that feeling.”
“Then I’m the woman for the job!”