Chapter 38 Not This Time
NOT THIS TIME
“How are you feeling, Dad?” Nora asked the next morning as she stepped into his hospital room.
“Better.” He glanced up from the tray table. “I see you don’t have your guard dog with you.”
“Don’t start,” she said, keeping her voice even. “I don’t want to get worked up, and you don’t need to either.”
His vitals on the monitor were steady, his heart rate and blood pressure both nearly normal. Physically, he was improving.
Emotionally? She wasn’t so sure because she could never get a read on him.
Last night, she’d spent hours talking to her mother. Then more hours researching.
Atrial fibrillation. Prostate cancer.
Everything her father had said lined up, but it didn’t sit right.
He was still hiding something. She could feel it...like a shadow behind every clipped word and tight smile he’d given her her whole life.
She wasn’t here to play nurse or daughter-of-the-year anymore. She wanted the truth.
Why he’d reached out after all these years.
Whether it was guilt or just mortality whispering in his ear reminding him time was running out.
Because if that was the only reason he wanted her back in his life, she wasn’t sure she could forgive that.
Forgive the fact that he dismissed her so much in her life and the one time she thought he was there for her, it might have been more his own personal reasons.
“You’ve got something on your mind. Why don’t you speak it?”
“I don’t want to fight. Don’t think that. But I was up all night. Eight months ago you asked me to move here. I thought it was because you cared for me. That you were worried about me being alone. That it was the trigger for you to have us try.”
“It was,” her father said.
“Really? Make me believe it. Because you’re telling me you knew about your Afib a year ago and then the cancer right around the time you called me. It makes me think you’re trying to absolve your guilt over your treatment of me. That this was more about you than me.”
Her father held her stare. He’d always been good at pinning her in place with that unblinking, quiet authority until she broke first.
Until she dropped her gaze, mumbled something to smooth it over, and let him win.
Not this time.
She met his eyes, steady and unflinching, letting the silence stretch.
Letting him feel what it was like to be the one under pressure for once.
Because she wasn’t that timid girl anymore. She was stronger than she’d ever been. And she was done backing down.
“You’re not the girl I remember,” he said after several moments of waiting for her to blink, to look away, to cave like she’d done before, allowing him to maintain the power.
“No, I’m not. Not in a lot of ways. Looks, personality, even getting walked all over.
But some of those things have been there and you never saw them.
I don’t know if you even allowed yourself to because what you knew or thought you knew of me wasn’t correct.
I wasn’t good enough in your eyes, so not enough for you to try for more. ”
“You’re right,” her father said.
She shook her head over his admittance. No way he just said that. Not this fast. “What?”
“I said you’re right. The problems I had with your mother, I took them out on you. You were too much like her in ways that I didn’t like. I couldn’t see beyond it. And when she left and took you, I just assumed it was for the best.”
“She didn’t take me,” she argued. “But you didn’t want me. We barely spoke or saw each other, and when we did, it wasn’t pleasant. Not for either of us. You gave me hard love and maybe that works for some, but it didn’t for me. It harmed more than strengthened me.”
“Your mother used to say that too. That she and you weren’t my employees.”
“That’s right. We aren’t. Dad, I came here wanting to start over. I wanted us to get closer for a lot of reasons.”
“What reasons are those?” he asked. He was still watching her carefully as if he were the one afraid of the answers. She wasn’t sure she’d ever seen him afraid of anything.
“Selfishly I wanted to prove to you I’d changed.
That I could be those things you wanted me to be but I did it on my own.
Not because you wanted me to do it. But because it was time for me to take a stand in my life.
To take control of my health, mentally and physically.
To do things for me. To make me happy and not anyone else. ”
“I’m glad you did. For you, not me.”
She wanted to believe him so desperately. “I’m glad too. And I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I really do. But what you said yesterday to me was a whole new level of low. It was beyond hurtful. It’s going to take time for me to get past it.”
“I know. I can say I’m sorry, that I overreacted because I did. I was coming down to see you and say that I’d heard rumors about someone seeing you two out together after hours. I wanted you to deny it and you were in his arms and I reacted.”
“Dad, people have been mumbling about that for months and you never said it before. If anyone had come to me, I would have addressed it.”
“I didn’t know if you would or not. And maybe I worried it was true.”
“And how it’d look. I know. That’s what worked you up more than listening. You’re still worried about it.”
“Not as much as I was. Not since I’ve seen how Ethan and you are together.”
That was something at least.
“Can you please be honest with me? Why did you ask me to come here? If it hurts, then it does, but honesty is better than continuing to be lied to.”
“The truth is, when I was told I had cancer, I saw all the mistakes I had made in my life. Most of them had to do with you. Then your mother was moving and I knew you were alone. I thought it was my chance to get some time with you away from her. That the two of us could see where it went.”
So, it was his cancer that caused him to reach out.
She could be angry. She could be upset. She could be hurt.
Or she could say that he was a big enough person to acknowledge his mistakes and take that step.
She was choosing for the last.
“And when I got here, I noticed you were trying some. Not wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but there were moments where you were softer. More caring even.” He’d chase it with criticism, but her father would never change completely.
“I was trying. We never talked much in the past. I’m not the type of person to have us see each other often even with you close by. I saw you in the office.”
“Rarely,” she argued. “Because you feared people finding out about our relationship. About me being an embarrassment to you. You know, causing a circus show. That hurt. All of it. That you think it about me, let alone voiced it.”
“I’m sorry. It was wrong. I saw you hugging Ethan and I thought, son of a bitch, is that why he’s talking so highly of her and how great of a job she’s doing? That those whispered words I told you about were true. And maybe I worried they’d come back to reflect on me.”
If he hadn’t added that part she’d think he was blowing smoke up her butt. But he had said exactly what she believed.
It came back to him, but he was acknowledging it had something to do with her also.
She snorted. “Maybe it was, but I am doing a good job. I love working there. I love working for Ethan even when he frustrates me, but it’s not any more than any other boss I’ve had in my life and he’s a lot nicer than you are to your staff.”
“I’m not there to be friends with employees,” her father argued.
She didn’t want to go down this road again. “Dad. What you said about me was disappointing and extremely hurtful. Not just to me but to Ethan. You cheapened what we’ve got. It’s not cheap. Not one bit of it.”
The hours she spent researching everything about her father’s illnesses were followed by reflections on her relationship with Ethan.
Was she mad that he’d tried to puff his chest and show his male dominance? Yeah. No doubt there.
But he was trying to protect her.
He loved her, she knew. He was doing what his gut reaction told him to do.
Not the best direction to take, but in thinking about it, no man had ever defended her before.
Had stood up for her.
Had even supported her.
Ethan was everything she wanted in a man and she had to tell herself it wasn’t right for her to be upset over that.
“I see that.”
“I’m asking you to treat me like your daughter.
A full-grown adult who might have made some mistakes in her life.
Some bad choices or ones you don’t agree with, but learned from them.
Someone who has found love and is not backing down because you might not approve of him, because I know damn well if he wasn’t my boss, you’d be fine with it. Right?”
His father sighed. “Yes.”
“Give me some credit. Ethan and I talked about this before. If things don’t work out with us for any reason, I’ll move to another position.
But I don’t see that happening. At least not now.
And if it does in the future, then I’ll deal with it.
I know I can. I’m dealing with you. Maybe I’ve got my stubborn strength from you. Did you ever think of it that way?”
Her father cracked the barest of grins. “No.”
“Then do that. I’m sorry if you don’t approve of my relationship, but I’m not stopping it. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you the same, it just means it’s one more thing we don’t agree about. Nothing new there, right?”
“Correct.” Her father took a deep breath. “It’s going to take me some time. As long as he doesn’t fire me.”
“He’s not going to fire you. He’s not happy with the way you talked to me. No more than I am. It might go a long way if you apologize, but only if you mean it. Don’t do it because of the power he has over you.”
“I’ll apologize to him just like I am to you.
I’m sorry for so many things. I’m not saying it because I’m lying in a hospital bed.
I’m saying it because you just told me how you feel.
You’ve explained what I’ve done to you and you’ve thrived despite it, maybe even because of it. I was wrong. I’ll admit it.”