33. Want Your Opinion
WANT YOUR OPINION
“You want to adopt Taylor’s baby?” Gabriela asked the next day at Luca’s house.
She wasn’t sure her jaw could drop any further to the ground when Luca hit her with that information.
At least he waited until they were done working out at the gym before he sprung it on her.
“I saw her yesterday. She doesn’t want the baby. She doesn’t even want to be pregnant.”
She cringed. “That’s not good, but a normal reaction from a teen.”
“It is and I told her that. She’s very emotional. Extremely immature on top of it. Her major concerns are getting fat and kids talking about her.”
“Again, normal reaction from a sixteen-year-old.”
“They haven’t contacted an agency yet. I thought maybe I could do it privately myself with an attorney, but after my research found it still has to go through an agency for all the home studies.”
“I don’t know much about it,” she said. “If that is what you found, I’m positive it’s true. An attorney would know more.”
“I don’t have one yet. I’m running this through my head first. Listing pros and cons, of which there are plenty. There is no reason to do it if she won’t pick me. And I’m single, so it’s highly unlikely she will.”
“Luca,” she said, running her hand on his arm. She was still trying to process this, but wouldn’t discourage him either. “She’s a young, scared girl who doesn’t look like she’s had much of a family life.”
“No. She hasn’t seen her father in years. Her mother doesn’t want any part of this. Her aunt is barely holding on. The boyfriend left.”
“And she’s having a boy. Maybe she’ll feel it’s a good thing that her child has a man in the house.”
“But what about a mother?” he asked. “She might want that too.”
“You don’t know any of those things. Are you sure about this? It’s a lot in a new place. Your job.”
He let out a breath. His eyes held hers. “I know it’s a lot. Then there is us and you might not want this either. I thought of all of that.”
“Stop right there,” she said, shaking her head. “Don’t you dare put me in the equation when it comes to this. I know how much you want a child. I get it. I love kids. I mean come on, how can a pediatrician not love kids?”
He laughed. “I know, but it’s not the same.”
“Luca. If you want to do this, I’m not talking you out of it. But I also don’t want to encourage it and have it not be what you really want, as opposed to something that happened in your past. I just don’t know, so I guess I’m riding the border of Switzerland here.”
Part of her wanted to get excited for him.
Crazy, but not really.
They really had no clue if Taylor would be interested, so no reason to get their hopes up.
And there she was, thinking of it as ‘them’. Which told her right away how far she’d come with Luca.
“I want your opinion. It’s fine if I don’t agree with it. Maybe I need someone to talk sense into me.”
She nudged him with her arm, then threw her legs over his lap on the couch to get closer. “I’m the last person who might talk sense into anyone. Don’t you know that?”
She laid her head against his chest, her finger moving around his stomach.
It was snowing out, the fireplace was lit and she had plans of staying in all day while the storm passed over.
It’d be a perfect day to snuggle together and just be about them.
Not that she’d thought they would be talking about this.
“I’m not sure if you’re joking because you don’t want to talk about this and if that is the case, just tell me. I’ll understand.”
“I’m joking because it’s in my nature.” She was going to have to be honest. Serious. But still cautious. “On one hand, I’m kind of excited about it, but know it’s a long shot. I don’t want to get excited or project that onto you knowing those factors.”
He blew out a breath. “Okay. That helps some. I’m feeling the same way. I’ve got a tiny glimmer of hope but not much more because I know it’s a long shot like you said. On so many levels. Even trying to make it work.”
“First off, if it comes to that… If it works out, we’ll make it work. It won’t be as hard as you think.”
“We?” he asked.
“Do you think I’m not going to be part of your life if you adopted a child? Luca,” she said softly. “I want a child too. You know that.”
“But you might want your own.”
“You’re going to tick me off. Yep, I want my own when the time is right, but I don’t know if I can. Not until I try. You of all people are aware of that. And I’m getting up there in age too. I’ve got enough room in my heart for more than one child, even if it’s not mine.”
He ran his hand over her head, placed a kiss on it, then sighed. “I know you do.”
“There is no guarantee with you and me. I’m not saying that so that you think I’m cutting. I’m not. Please don’t think that.”
“It’s a little hard to when you say that,” he said drily.
And it was the last thing she wanted. Him to think this decision was going to make her walk away.
The only way to make it right now was to tell him how she really felt about him.
How he made her heart race in his presence and in anticipation when she’d see him again.
She lifted her head from his chest, just enough to look at him. Really look at him. The man who had walked into her life quietly, carefully, and somehow taken up so much space.
“Hey,” she said softly. “Listen to me.” His jaw tightened.
He was bracing. For distance. For her to pull back.
For something or anything he’d been fearing since the thought of adoption crossed his mind.
She could see it and she hated it. “I’m not talking about guarantees because I’m halfway out the door,” she continued.
“I’m talking about them because I’m scared of how much I care.
And I don’t want you making a life-altering decision thinking I’ll disappear if it gets hard. ”
His eyes searched hers. “You won’t?”
“No.” The word came out firm, surprising even her.
She took a breath. “You make my heart race just sitting here. I think about you when you’re not around.
I look forward to seeing you in a way I haven’t let myself do in years.
” She swallowed, her voice lowering. “I don’t say big words easily.
You know that. I hide behind jokes, sarcasm, pretending I’m fine either way.
But the truth is, I’m already in deeper than I planned.
I think you might be too and are just afraid of voicing it also. ”
His hand slid up her arm, warm and grounding. “Gabriela...”
“I’m not asking you to decide anything because of me,” she rushed on. “About the baby. About us. I just need you to know that whatever happens, I’m not casual about you. I never have been. I’m not passing time. I’m here because I want to be.”
The thick and fragile silence stretched between them, with her trying to read what was in his eyes.
Had she just opened the door too much and now he was the one that needed to slam it shut?
Had she made this decision easier or harder for him now?
None of that was what she wanted.
Then he cupped her face, his thumb brushing beneath her eye like he was memorizing her. “You have no idea how much that means to me,” he said quietly. “I’ve been terrified that wanting all of this again made me reckless.”
She leaned into his touch. “Wanting a family doesn’t make you reckless. It makes you brave. It makes you strong.”
He let out a shaky breath, almost as if he was relieved, then he rested his forehead against hers. “I don’t know where this is going,” he admitted. “Not with the baby, but with you...”
“Neither do I,” she said. “But I know I want to keep walking in the same direction as you.” She picked up his hand and put it on her heart. “This here. It beats for you. It feels for you.”
“Are you saying you love me?” he asked, lifting her chin and staring into her eyes.
If she lied and said no, he’d see right through it.
She didn’t want to lie. There was no reason to. They’d just come too far.
“I am. And I know it might be harder for you to fall, I get it. But I want you to know that I do. I’m here by your side regardless of what decision you make when it comes to Taylor. It’s going to be hard either way.”
“I didn’t plan on falling in love again,” he said. “Or not this soon. But I know what it feels like and it’s right here again.”
He was still holding her hand on her chest and moved it to his. “It beats for you too. I don’t want to mess us up because I’m getting ahead of myself on something I always wanted because it landed in my lap. Especially knowing so much can go wrong or change.”
“You can’t get ahead if you don’t take the step,” she said firmly.
“That’s my advice. Could you get everything in place and the minute Taylor gives birth, she changes her mind?
Yeah, you can. And it happens. You know that.
But she also might not. She also might be really grateful to know that her child is going to have a great home and wonderful father. ”
“And I won’t know unless I look into it more,” he said.
“Exactly. Give it a couple of days to sink in. To me, the attorney and the agency, those are minor things. You’re a pediatrician. You have the means, the education, and the support. It really has to come down to what is in your heart on this.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t have the support, Gabriela. I work over eighty hours in five days. I have to find someone to watch a baby during that time. I don’t know the first thing on how easy that might be on the island. I don’t have family here.”
“You have me,” she whispered. “And we don’t work the same shift. I’ll take the baby when you’re working. You know, if you trust me and all.”
“I can’t ask you to do that,” he said.
“You’re not asking. And we aren’t there yet.
I’m throwing it out there as an option. I’m your backup.
I’m your support. My family will be too.
Is it a long-term solution? No. You will need some kind of daycare for sure, but you know, if we did have a future together…
” She gulped and went for it. “Let’s say we had a child, we’d be doing that.
We wouldn’t need daycare, would we? You’re working, I’m home.
I’m working, you’re home. Then we are home together. Almost like it’s perfect.”
Only they weren’t married. They weren’t a family.
And it was still early, but there was a part of her that was damn hopeful when it’d never been this strong before.
“Okay. I need to take that step. But first is just thinking it through. Deciding if it’s best for me. Then it’s talking to Taylor. She might not want that. I’m positive the adoption agency has any number of married couples perfectly suitable and waiting for a baby.”
“You know it as well as I do. So, if your first step was talking to me and feeling me out, you did and I feel pretty favorable toward it. Do I think there will be roadblocks and obstacles to climb? Yeah. No doubt. But I believe between us, we are in damn good shape.”