Chapter 3
Zoe had left Ottilie, Heath and the baby in hospital, feeling she’d done her best and that they’d be fine with the expert care the team at the neonatal unit could give. As she walked out of the department and into the car park, Alex was already waiting to pick her up.
‘Was it rough?’ he asked through an open window as she approached the car.
‘What you mean is I look rough and so it must have been?’
‘No, I didn’t… Sorry, it wasn’t meant to sound that way. I only meant… well, you look tired.’
‘I am. There were complications, like I told you on the phone – nothing I couldn’t handle.
But some births take it out of you more than others.
And it was Ottilie… I suppose I was more stressed than I would usually be.
I mean, I try not to be, but it’s hard to help it when it’s so close to you personally.
’ She let out a long breath. ‘Seems to be a theme in my life at the moment. People who are close to me with complicated births that I have to be in charge of. First Georgia and now Ottilie. Please have a word with Billie, won’t you?
Ask her if she could possibly keep hers simple for me. ’
‘Come on. Let’s get you back to Hilltop. Billie’s trying out her new clay oven, and you look as if you could do with some pampering.’
Zoe would like to have gone home, but she didn’t want to offend him or hurt Billie’s feelings, particularly as it seemed the effort they were going to was for her benefit.
They were trying to care for her, to show her what she meant, and she could hardly be churlish about that, no matter how she wanted to lie in a dark room and collect her thoughts.
And so she nodded and smiled. ‘Sounds lovely. I’ll have to pick up my own car from outside Ottilie’s house first, so if you can drop me off, I’ll meet you up there. ’
Billie was obviously proud of the way the new recipe Corrine had given her had turned out.
Alex had often aired his thoughts on what an odd pairing it had become, her and Corrine.
Billie was young enough to be the granddaughter – probably great-granddaughter – of the far older occupant of nearby Daffodil Farm, and yet they’d become friends.
What had surprised Zoe more than that was the way Billie had taken to other members of the Thimblebury community.
While there was a clear age gap between her and Corrine, in the absence of her own mum and with her own grandparents miles away, it was obvious to Zoe that Corrine had become a sort of mother figure for Billie.
But then there was also Maisie, another young mother-to-be in Zoe’s care.
On paper, she and Billie had nothing in common apart from their pregnancies.
Zoe had only ever paired them up so that Billie could encourage Maisie to stand up for herself, perhaps as an example of what a confident, assertive young woman ought to be.
But against all odds, they’d quickly become friends too.
‘I’m going to make this next time Maisie’s up here then,’ Billie said as Zoe made an effort to praise the tagine she’d just served up. Not because there was any effort involved in recognising how delicious it was, but because Zoe was so tired there was effort in even speaking at all.
‘When will that be?’ Alex asked.
‘Tomorrow…’ Billie paused. ‘That’s all right, isn’t it?’
‘Of course! Why would you ask? This is your home – you can invite whoever you like here.’
‘I didn’t know if it would be in your way. I just remembered you have that guy coming to see about the pipes.’
‘What pipes?’ Zoe reached for the jug of water and poured some into her glass.
‘Oh, you know, to set up the shower blocks for the camping field,’ Alex said.
‘I thought you had to finish searching for archaeology first.’
‘That’s the plan, but I didn’t think it would hurt to have someone come take a look.’ He looked at Zoe again, this time paying more attention. ‘You look shattered.’
‘I am a bit, but I’ll be fine once I’ve eaten.’
‘Are you worried about Ottilie?’ Billie picked up her fork and began to sift through the food on her plate, picking out some things and leaving others.
Zoe wondered if she’d cooked it just for them and hadn’t really fancied it herself.
She’d complained about her tastebuds changing as her pregnancy progressed, and Zoe had seen plenty of evidence of that.
‘Not so much. She had a tough time of it, but she’s in safe hands, and I’m confident she’ll be back on her feet in a couple of days. She’ll need to take it easy, but I’m sure Heath wouldn’t have it any other way, even if the birth had gone smoothly.’
Zoe noticed Billie’s expression, and it told her that what she’d really meant by her enquiry after Ottilie’s well-being was: will my birth be difficult too?
‘It’s lucky,’ she continued, in a bid to reassure her without actually bringing it up in front of Alex, who would then worry as well, ‘it doesn’t happen all that often. There were complicating factors with Ottilie.’
‘Like what?’ Billie asked.
‘Like she’s older, for a start. Much older than you.’
Billie nodded slowly and then seemed content. ‘I suppose so.’
‘You’ll be fine.’ Zoe offered a reassuring smile. ‘I don’t offer promises, but if I did, yours would be one I’d move heaven and earth to keep.’
‘I’m not worried,’ Billie said.
Alex raised his eyebrows. ‘It’d only be human if you were. Your mum was nervous having you. She pretended not to be for my sake, but I knew she was.’
‘And that’s OK,’ Zoe said. ‘You’ve never given birth and there are all these horror stories going about, mums who can’t wait to tell you how awful it was for them…
Believe me, I’ve come across plenty of those people.
But it’s usually not that awful – at least afterwards most will barely give a passing thought to what it was like.
Yes, it’s tough for a few hours, but then it’s over and you’ll have the most amazing reward. ’
Billie was thoughtful for a moment. ‘Do you ever wonder what it would have been like for you?’ she asked finally.
Alex threw a look of mortification her way, but Zoe signalled that it was OK, she could talk about it. People would ask, and she understood that it often came from a place of kindness.
‘All the time.’
‘Do you think you’d like to try again?’
At this, Alex’s mortification escaped him. ‘Bill… I don’t know if we’re quite there yet! I mean, Zoe hasn’t even moved in or…’
Zoe only shrugged. ‘I try not to because I don’t know what the future holds just now.
I know what I would like it to hold…’ She sent a small smile Alex’s way.
She had always been careful not to pressure him into decisions regarding their relationship.
It was early days, and though he’d often shown signs of being keen to steam ahead, she was happy to be more cautious.
She wanted him to be certain about it because she couldn’t be sure, despite his obvious enthusiasm, that he was.
Only a couple of weeks ago, he’d gifted her a key to Hilltop Farm and told her he was ready for her to move in whenever she was.
Though she’d been touched and delighted by the gesture, reflection had made her response since more measured.
This was too good to mess up, and she didn’t want hasty actions to do just that.
‘But…’ she continued, ‘I think the answer is to wait and see. If it happens, it happens, and if it doesn’t, then it was meant to be that way.’
‘I think you’d be a good mum,’ Billie said.
‘Thanks,’ Zoe replied, reflecting privately that many childless people would make good parents, but the mere fact of it didn’t always mean they could have those children.
‘I’ll tell you who else will be a good mum,’ Alex said, and then Zoe had to laugh at the most ham-fisted segue she’d ever heard, ‘our old neighbour’s dog. She’s just had puppies… Look, Arabella sent me photos…’
As he showed Billie his phone, Zoe watched them, reflecting on a bond that was plain for anyone to see.
She tried not to think about what it would be like to have her own child because right now there was no point.
But sometimes those thoughts crept in to plague her anyway.
How would it be to bring them into the world, to watch them grow?
But then she thought about poor Jennifer, Billie’s mum, who never got the chance to see her daughter become a mother herself.
Who would never see Billie grow into a capable, confident woman raising her own child.
At least Zoe was here to witness that, and so she had to be thankful for every blessing that came her way.
Later, after Billie had gone up for an early night, Alex and Zoe were on the sofa watching television. She leaned against him, her eyes drooping, the intro music of the news filtering vaguely into her consciousness as she drifted towards sleep.
‘You know,’ he said, his tone carrying less weight than the words that followed, ‘you could move in.’
She sat up. ‘What?’
‘Well you have the key, and we did say at Christmas… well I thought it would be on the cards.’
‘It is. But aren’t we all right as we are? I mean, for now?’
‘Of course, but… don’t you want to move in?’
‘Yes,’ she said carefully. ‘Eventually. There’s no rush, is there?’
‘Sorry, I’m not trying to be pushy; I just miss you when you’re not here.’
‘I didn’t think you were pushy. I like that you feel that way, but I worry it won’t take long for you to get fed up with me if I did move in.
We should give it time to make sure it’s really what we both want.
There’s no need to look so disappointed,’ she added with a kiss.
‘I’m not saying I don’t want to, but I think you’ll thank me in the end for making us wait before we commit. ’
‘I suppose you’re right. I can’t help it. Losing Jennifer, and then Billie losing Luis… it makes you realise life is short and you never know how long you’ll have someone for. I want to make every moment with you count.’
‘That’s OK – I get it. We can still do that from separate houses… I’ll think about it,’ she said finally. ‘I promise.’
She snuggled into the crook of his arm again, deep in thought.
She supposed she ought to be flattered and pleased he was so keen – and she was.
But her opinion hadn’t changed from what it had been at Christmas when he’d presented her with a key to Hilltop and the hopes that she might move in: she would, but it was too early.
As she mused on whether this was still the right way to view it, she was startled by the sound of her phone bleeping from the coffee table where she’d left it.
‘It might be about Ottilie,’ she said, leaping up to get it. But then she frowned slightly at the name of the sender. ‘Dad? What does he want?’
‘A catch-up?’ Alex asked.
‘No, he never just wants to catch up. Since he and Mum split, I can count on my hands the times he’s called just to catch up. Mum, yes, phones and messages all the time… not that it’s always positive,’ she added under her breath. ‘But Dad…’
She opened the message, her frown becoming etched into her forehead as she read. And then she put down the phone with a sigh of resignation. ‘Well,’ she announced to no one in particular. ‘That’s put the cat amongst the pigeons.’
Alex sat forward. ‘What has?’
‘Dad’s girlfriend is pregnant.’